Bio from jacket of Borderlands edition of No Doors, No Windows,
Harlan Ellison, impoverished scion of once-wealthy Basque shellfish
entrepreneurs, has repeatedly maintained he had no connection with the
assassination of Chicago's mayor Anton Cermak in 1933. He continues
to assert he was born in 1934 and could not possibly have installed
those storm windows for Giuseppe Zangara. Yeah, sure, but where was
he when JFK bought it? These questions, and other foodstuffs, are fully
examined in this book. Is it warm in here, or did someone just get thrashed
with a bolt of lightning?
Bio from jacket of Borderlands edition of The Beast That
Shouted Love at the Heart of the World, 1994
Many devotees of Harlan Ellison and his writing were horrified and dismayed
when he was sentenced to life imprisonment in Ossining State Penitentiary
for the brutal slayings of four minor literary nobodies who had joined
forces to bedevil the unstable and violent fantasist. In the space of
seventy-two hours last year, Ellison flew from the Pacific Northwest,
where he jammed a naval very pistol into the mouth of a punk who published
some sort of comics newsmagazine, and blew his pulpy head into a patina
of ooze on a beaverboard wall; to New York where he used a dull straight
razor on the throat of a failed writer and full- time schoolyard bully;
and jammed a lit stick of dynamite up the fundament of a great, fat
pseudo-journalist. He then made a brief stop in an adjoining state,
where he thumbed out the eyeballs of a semiliterate crank critic ...
and then turned himself in. From his cell, Ellison continues to write.
Better than ever.
Thanks to David Loftus for both Borderlands bios - Ed.
Bio from dust jacket, Mark Zeising limited edition of Slippage:
This extraordinary amalgam of fictions is the debut offering of the
sightless Mennonite mendicant Harlan Ellison, whose treppenwörter
carved on the northern face of mysterious, misty mount Ngungun
in the Glass-house Mountains of Queensland continue to draw thousands
of worshipful aboriginals and garishly-dressed middle-class tourists
with lexicons and expensive Japanese cameras every year, despite (or
perhaps because of) the negative publicity promulgated by the Royal
Archeological Society, Geraldo Rivera, and Mensa. All the children,
and most of the auks, recovered. The Right Reverend Ellison - commonly
referred to as bwana or jim-dandy - spent the entirety
of last year in two marvelous endeavors: writing these succulent stories
(and hand-coloring, with the new 64-box Crayolas, all of the accompanying,
recently-discovered, Maxfield Parrish etchings) (mostly, as a political
position, he used one or another of the eight "retired" Crayola
colors - Orange Yellow,
Raw Umber, Green
Blue, Maize, Blue Gray, Orange Red, Violet Blue, and Lemon Yellow - while eschewing the new
sissy smart-ass yuppie oh-ain't-we-trendy Cray-o-las-Dandelion,
Wild Strawberry, Vivid Tangerine, Fuschia, Teal Blue, Royal Purple, Jungle Green, and Cerulean), and learning the dangerously-intricate
terpsichore of the geometric Italianate waltz known as the "Volta."
All the children, and most of the auks, recovered.
Bio from dust jacket, White Wolf's Edgeworks
It was not until he threw himself in front of the assassin's bullet
at last year's Academy Award cermonies, thus saving the life of Oscar
nominee Brad Pitt, that HARLAN ELLISON was revealed as the roped and
rowelled vigilante hero of the barrio, El Fiera de Batata ("The
Wild Beast of the Sweet Potato"). In an exclusive interview in
The National Enquirer, the plucky quasi-superhero's career
battling evil and rampant litterbugging was unearthed for an icon-hungry
audience of disenchanted pre-millenial Americans.
Though blind from birth, Ellison had so developed his other sensory
faculties that he was able to distinguish honest citizens from miscreants
merely by the odor of the pheremones they exuded. His one great error
in judgement --- kicking to death Senator Strom Thurmond --- was attributed
to the right-wing congressman's use of a particularly redolent aftershave
extracted from the spines of hedgehogs.
Dividing his time between crime-fighting and running a small bodega
in South Central Los Angeles, El Fiera has always found time in the
early morning hours to pen his charming children's stories featuring
Barry, the beige Bunny, as well as a biography of Betty Page for young
Bio from dust jacket, White Wolf's Edgeworks
The art deco marvel we familiarly know as HARLAN ELLISON has, like The
Shadow, led many lives. Readers of Ellison's books have come to be troubled
by the seemingly contradictory and apparently miraculous events of the
chronology that has been the author's madcap existence. One percipient
reader of EDGEWORKS, Volume 1 and previous titles by Our Pal,
Harlan, wrote this: "What the hell are you clowns trying to pull here?
How can Ellison be a quadraplegic Korean-born private detective on one
book, and a seven foot tall black basketball player on another, and
a blind nun who writes cookbooks on a third? What the hell are you clowns
trying to swing here? What is Ellison made of? Come on, let's have the
truth! What, exactly, is Ellison made of?"
Trying to encapsulate the variegated forms of Harlan Ellison in the
brief venue of a dust jacket backflap is a Herculean task. But the author
has insisted we respond to this loyal reader with the unvarnished, absolute
truth. As his publisher, we can only do as we are directed.
Harlan Ellison is made of: partially hydrogenated vegetable oil (one
or more of: coconut, cottonseed, and soybean); salt; corn, wheat, and
oat flour; sugar; sodium ascorbate and ascorbic acid (vitamin C); blue
#1; yellow #6; red #40; niacinamide; zinc oxide; reduced iron; natural
orange, lemon, cherry, blueberry, raspberry, lime, and other natural
flavors; tumeric color; annatto color; pyridoxine hydrochloride (vitamin
B6); riboflavin (vitamin B2); vitamin A palmitate (protected with BHT);
thiamin hydrochloride (Vitamin B1); folic acid; and vitamin D.
It is not true that Harlan Ellison believes the ghost of his mother
rides a tricycle through the ionosphere, whistling "Mairzy Doates."
Nearly Surreal Bio from dust jacket, White Wolf's Edgeworks
EXACTLY HALF OF THIS IS TRUE, CARE TO GUESS WHICH? H A R L A N E L L
I S O N
Caught a car thief, at age 15
Publicly insulted the head of the Russian KGB at a reception in Sweden
Put Rita Hayworth
to bed one night when she was drunk, and never tried to cop a feel
Was almost hit by a train while speeding through a railroad crossing
in Dave Barry's van, with Chuck Berry lasting at 120 decibels
Had a serious run-in with Frank Sinatra and his bodyguard in a pool
room in Beverly Hills
Edited and published the very first collection of stories by B. Traven,
the mysterious author of TREASURE OF THE SIERRA MADRE
Once stood off the son of the Detroit Mafia boss with a Remington XP-100
pistol-rifle, while wearing nothing but a bath towel
Is related to the Shadow
Hunted javelina in the Nevada mountains with Philip K. Dick
Was a sharpshooter in the US Army
Broke the back of his drill sergeant while in Ranger basic training
at Fort Benning, Georgia
Was in minstrel shows, at age 3
Sang professionally and can be heard in the chorus on the original cast
album of the Broadway hit KISMET
Knew L. Ron Hubbard Knew Lotte Lenya
Knew Lenny Bruce and even ghost-wrote for him
Judged a lingerie contest called "The Miss Tush Competition" in company
with Chuck Norris
Was run out of Brazil at machinegun point by the ruling military junta
Was a close personal
friend of Isaac Asimov
Is a writer whose books have been read and enjoyed and openy praised
by Ayn Rand, David Bowie, Buckminster Fuller, Mel Blanc, Samuel L. Jackson
and, a couple of years ago, MEFISTO IN ONYX was a favorite of the President
and his wife, Bill & Hillary that is
Saved 200 acres of watershed land from
developers, so it can be dedicated as Edgar Rice Burroughs Memorial
Park Was thrown out
of Sunday School for Heresy
Types 120 words a minute with no errors and no typos
NAAAH, WE LIED. IT'S ALL TRUE; EVERY WORD OF IT
Bio from dust jacket, White Wolf's Edgeworks
For 70 years, HARLAN ELLISON drove a big yellow bus in the Kenosha and
Racine (Wisconsin) school districts. He retired in 1990 with a perfect
driving record, without so much as a parking ticket.
This is his first book. In 1993, after the discover of, and subsequent
abdominal surgery for removal of, adnomas (benign tumors) of the pancreas,
Mr. Ellison was persuaded by a large group of children (and adults)
who had ridden with him over seven decades, to set down his life story
for possible publication. A fortuitous circumstance brought these writings
to the attention of White Wolf. During a remote on-location telecast
of the Oprah Winfrey show from Chippewa Falls (Wisconsin), one of Mr.
Ellison's former passengers, Margaret Owens Mulvane, who had been hired
by the staff of Ms. Winfrey's production company to provide antimacassars
for the "rustic" studio set, locked the talk show host and herself in
a storage closet until Ms. Winfrey had read enough of Mr. Ellison's
manuscript to feel she wanted to promote it for publication. White Wolf,
after spirited bidding at an open literary auction, won the coveted
publication rights to this volume. Thus, Mr. Ellison's freshman endeavors
as an author come to a waiting audience. Mrs. Mulvane will be up for
her second parole hearing in March of 2001.
(Phantasia Press): (courtesy Marcia Shindler, firstname.lastname@example.org)
HARLAN ELLISON, a six-foot eleven black man with an absolutely stunning
slam-dunk, has, for the past thirty-five years, affected (for business
reasons) the dress and demeanor of a five-foot-five Jew from Ohio. He
currently resides on the Isle of Skye and raises linnets. Would this
face lie to you?
Photo and Bio from Ellison's introduction to the Sandman comic
collection Season of the Mists:
(courtesy of Chris Day)
Harlan Ellison: Introduction
Harlan Ellison is the author of fifty-eight books and is listed in the
Swedish National Encyclopedia.
(Okay, so the bio may have been non-surreal at the time. But that
picture gave me some REALLY weird dreams. It stays. -Ed)
Inside back cover, The Essential Ellison:
Born in Jaipur, in the Indian province of a northeast Rajasthan, HARLAN
ELLISON is the son of a man who flew "Over the Hump" to Burma
with Chennault's Flying Tigers just prior to WWII. Ellison, the air
wing's mascot, spoke only Hindi and Urdu until the age of thirteen.
Himself wounded twice in the battles of Provo and Needles, Ellison has
been confined to a wheelchair since 1961; from his home in Erewhon,
Colorado he has, since 1970, produced seventeen full-length epic poems
of 50,000 words each. His favorite foods are curried monkey brains scooped
steaming from the trepanned skull, and french fries, very crisp.
Outside back jacket, The Harlan Ellison
HARLAN ELLISON, at age twelve, turned his life around dramatically.
After six years in the pimento canning factory, he pulled together a
troupe of talented amateurs and revived the lost stage are of the minstrel
show, performing in blackface almost exclusively at Chicago's "Back
O' the Yards" southside ghetto theaters. Heavily attended by University
of Chicago physics majors, Ellison's shows became a "must-see"
cult addiction for anyone fascinated by Turtle Geometry, leading to
his "adoption" by grad students who perceived in the talented,
toe-tapping child a cool and refined intellect. Their attentions led
the boy to a (many said unhealthy) obsession with Fourier Theorems &
Orthogonal functions, but today he is a Fellow of Trinity College, Cambridge,
and the Lucasian Professor at Cambridge University. He first gained
fame with his seminal papers Supermoduli, Wormholes, and the Breaking
of Wind-Replicated Symmetry, which unified what had thought to
be widely disparate phenomena.
All the critical essays in this book were produced by the Ellison Algorithm,
a powerful and flexible computer program he devised. Most recently,
he misplaced his car keys.
Inside back jacket cover, Harlan Ellison's
(with thanks to email@example.com)
"HARLAN ELLISON" is the anagrammatic pseudonym of Ranisha
Lonell, a 66 year old great-grandmother who, at the age of fifty, absented
herself from the material world to join an order of nuns dedicated to
the preservation of the wonders of nature. As Sister Marcelina, her
leadership of the Ausuble Chasm protest sit-in and the Joshua Tree National
Forest intervention brought her to national attention in 1979, at which
time her literary career as "Harlan Ellison" was revealed
for the first time in a major New York Review of Books essay by Jacques
Barzun. Her monograph comparing the Lupe Velez "Mexican Spitfire"
films of the early 1940's with the "Gidget" cinematic cycle
has been praised by Cahiers due Cinema as "a work of film scholarship
worthy of Ronald Firbank." Today, withdrawn behind convent walls
and a vow of silence, Ranisha Lonell, Sister Marcelina, continues to
write her vegetarian recipes and an occasional book of trenchant essays
about the world she has disavowed. Her limp has not improved.