The REAL Webderland

Ellison Webderland

est. 1934

If you are looking for information about our patron author, Harlan Ellison, select this link.




Friendly People with Nearly Spotless Police Records

Top 5%

Welcome to Webderland!

We hope you enjoy your experience at one of the oldest and most beloved restaurants of Powell's Gulch. Although our founder, Scratchy McCree, died before realizing his dream of running the only restaurant in town exclusive enough to require "No Shirts, No Shoes, No Service", we are proud to announce that under the new management any customer with bare chests or unshod feet will be dismembered with cleavers on the plastic tarp in the center of the dining area. Those with bunions or excessive back hair will be forced to watch a random episode of "Perfect Strangers" first.

Here at Ellison Webderland, we use only the finest ingredients suited for the most discriminating of palates. Real spider eggs. Fresh lawnmower mulch. Nuclear-grade screws and washers. Succulent termites flown in daily by jet from their mounds in Gambia. The severed pinkies (and the occaisional ring finger) of Japanese yakuza. The longest and most lustrous hairs from the heads of imprisoned European supermodels. Sauces made from the sub-shell tissues of only the largest Minnesota junebugs. All of our cooks complete a six month in-house training course and are conditioned under threat of impalement to throw out any sub-standard fare. We rigorously screen our deliveries, and we guarantee dishes such as our Bus Station Gumbo and our Awesome Fecal Fries are made using genuine and all-natural fixin's.

If there is anything we can do to make your visit to Ellison Webderland more pleasurable, please do not hesitate to let us know, bearing in mind the rather repressive local sex statutes. Thank you, and remember our motto:

"We are dedicated to quality in every form or fashion which does not involve the expenditure of effort or money".


Note: All prices reflect a 15% gratuity, mainly because most of you are cheap bastards who would sell your own grandmother out for a nickel.

Painfully pungent pre-meal presentations to please your palate.

The Cheese Stands Alone
If you hanker for a hunk of cheese, this is your ticket. We can't say anymore, because that's all there is to it.
Random Rancid Rodent of the Day
A random mammal of the order Rodentia. These are sent to us fourth-class mail by an anonymous party in California, and are plenty ripe by the time they arrive.
Noseplugs available upon request

The Big Story
You will find all appetites, from the short-short story craving to the full gastric novel, can be handled by our skilled culinary artists.

Dangerous Lesions
The unexplained and debilitating skin disease which has afflicted our livestock looks horrible and smells worse. Our loss is your gain, however: we discovered that the more scabrous of the lesions taste perfectly delightful when cleaned and steam-cooked! Served with pecan rice and your choice of bread.
Nothing for my Noon Meal
Although the dish is empty, cleaner than a schoolgirl's heart, we charge you the slightest pittance to spare your embarassment. Perfect for the go-getter on a budget or the date who wants to make that delicate first impression. (Lunch only)
The Beast that Shouted "Yum!" at the Heart of My Stomach
We don't know where The Beast came from, how it got so big, or why it chose to drag itself to our doorstep to die. What we DO know is that the two thousand pounds of meat we were able to carve from its carcass make the finest New York strip steak taste like cardboard. Served with potato and an aluminum foil chewin' ball.
The Whiners on the Edge of my Nerves
The entire formerly-harassing head of one of the Enemies of Ellison, dipped in batter and deep-fried to a crisp. You can eat the whole thing, although we recommend staying away from the brains. Although small, they are bitter and often poisonous.
A Sale of Two (Glass) Titties
The glass teat, and the other glass teat, harvested from a rare breed of albino yaks with transparent lactating organs. Served over Rice-a-roni (the San Francisco treat) with a side of sour grapes.

Finishing Touches
Desserts and other delights for the perfect end to the perfect meal.

The Whimper of Whipped Cream
Watch helplessly as your waiter devours this scrumptious banana split before your eyes. We'll give you a spoon, but we know damn well you'll never use it.
Death by the Chocolate Alphabet
Post(tm) Alpha-Bits(tm), coated in the finest Godiva chocolate and liberally frosted with powdered Prozac. Served in a deep bowl swimming in Hershey's chocolate syrup.
Ice Cream, and I Have No Mouth!
This scrumptious dish of french-vanilla ice cream covered with caramel, finely-chopped nuts, and cookie crumbs, but be warned that it is not for the weak-hearted. We warn you not because this treat is so rich, but because before your server delivers it two of our Webderland bouncers will hold you down as a hostess skillfully stitches your lips together with 20 pound test fishing line using a rusty needle. Be sure and sign the waiver first, please.
Dessert, Harlequin! cried the TicTacMan $4.85
A work of art in glucose form. Blind children from our kitchen will come to your table, feel your face with their sensitive fingers, then craft a bust of you made entirely of tic-tacs welded together with their own saliva. This sculpture of angry candy looks almost too good to eat, but believe me - it's not.

The Back Cover
Drink selections for those who dare not face life through clear lenses.

Shattered. - Like a Glass Goblet?
This fractious beverage combines our special blend of liquers over crushed ice and glass fragments in a tall goblet. If you can down the whole shootin' match, shattered glass and all, the goblet is yours to keep.
Webderland not responsible for abdominal bleeding or colonic irritaion.
Strange Wine
Bargain-priced, because we're not sure what it is. This burgundy vintage arrives in unmarked crates postmarked from Bolivia along with the wonderful paintings of roses which adorn our walls. The strange wine has a light, fruity taste, and is a staff favorite.

Kid's Menu
Something for the little rugrats.

Jefty is Five Dollars
Any parent knows that children love nothing more than eating their own! A kid-sized hunk of this little tot, boiled in his own bathwater, is sure to please even the peskiest tyke, as well as providing an instructive example for those with discipline problems.
Again, Dangerous Lesions
A smaller version of our main-course lesions, arranged in the shape of the creature they came from. See if your child can guess the name of the animal or, better yet, take him or her out back to our petting zoo!
Rubber gloves and release form required for entrance to zoo.
A Boy and His Dog
A single Armour Hot Dog (the dog kids love to bite), sizzled to perfection on the Webderland barbeque grill and served up just right in what else but a hot dog bun! We get these from the local A&P, so send any complaints about foreign material to them, not us.


If you haven't figured it out by now, Ellison Webderland is not a restaurant. It is Harlan Ellison's official World-Wide Web site. The management apologizes for the fact that the maintainer of said site is loonier than a crate of pugs and does things like the above.

So please, travel to the REAL Webderland, and try to forget you ever saw this.

Ellison Webderland is maintained by Rick Wyatt (
Take-out menus also available.