Unca Harlan's Art Deco Dining Pavilion

Archive - 11/23/2006 to 02/02/2007

Unca Harlan's Art Deco Dining Pavilion

Another Satisfied Customer
I'm a longtime reader of HE, and a first time poster to this forum.

I grew up reading Harlan's books as a teenager a fundamentalist small town in the deep south in the 70s and it's not hyperbole to say they opened my eyes to the larger world and changed my life. I got introduced to SF through Star Trek (don't groan Harlan, I was only 10) and was curious enough to check out works by Ted Sturgeon and Harlan who had scripted for the show. As someone whose paperback diet had previously consisted of mostly Heinlein and Asimov, Harlan's stuff was another kettle of fish entirely. Deathbird Stories was the crux of a new phase in my reading life, and Harlan's profusive intros and essays turned me on to numerous other masters including Borges, Sam Delany and R.A. Lafferty.

I just have one word for you Harlan: Thanks.

Cheers,

J. Herzog

Oh Please
W. is a loser to the max., but blaming him for Milly Ivin's death is so over the top silly I can barely restrain my laughter.

If her cancer was caused by something in the environment, the original "insult" and genetic damage would have had to have been over a decade ago. Let's get real.

This sort of paranoia is never helpful. Bush is a disaster as a president, but blaming him for everything you hate is just silly. No man is that powerful. "Even the President of the United States must sometimes stand naked."

As for global warming causing the northern hemisphere to enter an ice age, well maybe...or maybe we're just gonna enter an ice age. I don't know, and the wonks that claim to know don't really know either. Nobody knows nothing, and a butterfly's fart in Kyoto can cause a tornado in Peoria.

The earth is getting warmer, so we ought to be trying to cool it down. One engineer has proposed putting lightweight Mylar mirrors into Geo-stationary orbit to reflect about 1 per cent of the suns light away from the earth. That would apparently compensate for the warming trend. By maneuvering the mirror, you can fine-tune the earth's climate while we get a handle on the greenhouse gases.

So why aren't we doing this, or at least considering it?

Maybe solving the problem by technology doesn't interest those who want to change our society tot heir own liking?

Just me, thinking my contrarian thoughts.

Don't bother attacking me, I won't argue. You might be right. I might be right.

KOS

Molly Ivins
"This country no longer works for the benefit of most of the people in it."

--Molly Ivins, "Bushwhacked"

Truer words...

Molly Ivins was only 62 years old, people, do you know how devastated I am today? In a way W killed her, because the environment is largely the cause of much cancer rates, here and elsewhere. She was an angel, a caustic saint, W is gonna pay some day, some day.

God bless her, God bless the poison pen and the acid tongue. I will miss her. The Nation is doing its part to give back to this legend:

http://www.thenation.com/doc/20070219/molly_ivins

Of course, the mainstream media is mostly avoiding even mentioning her name.

----------

Harlan, lay off of Roeper, he is getting better. He is slowly improving his skills. They need a guest critic, how about you mon ami?

I miss Scott Reeston. Wahhh.

Chuck, be grateful that you don't live near Omsk!

Russia probes smelly orange snow

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/6323611.stm

species suicide

:: "So much for global warming, huh?!?!"

I hope that's just a joke. Current weather patterns may well be entirely in keeping with global warming. Some models suggest the north Atlantic and European nations will experience a long, hard, and enduring freeze as a result of the greenhouse effect.

Of course, the human species will likely be long extinct due to population pressures, pollution, and resulting violence before that happens. . . .

Raising Hand
Steve,

Thanks for wondering. No, from what I understand the tornadoes were much farther up the East coast. We had a quiet night.

ATC

v.jory
rob-if you want to see victor jory in an unusual role, check out the 1935 midsummer's night dream where he plays oberon. it also is olivia dehavilland's first role and she is so beautiful she'll make your eyes change color. jimmy cagney is great as bottom and mickey rooney's puck is a performance that has to be seen to be believed. as far as molly ivins, barney is right in criticizing my linkage of her nader vote and the deaths in the war, but her vote for nader helped w get elected. listen, in 1968 the left saw no difference between nixon and humphrey. well, maybe if you're looking from an ideological vantage point akin to the red guard that's true but to say they're the same is empirically false. to see no difference between gore and bush or not to see how close 2000 was going to be and to vote for nader on that basis angered me then and now. many folks voted for nader because the admired him or thought he'd make a good president and i have no quarrel there but if half the 2000000 nader votes had gone to gore maybe gore would have carried another state or that at the very least the media would not have stuck to the "this is boring, let's move on" attitude. ok, it's out of my system, i feel better and i remain, as always, obediently yours

Starbuck's Memories, Part Two

SBUX: (Singsong female voice) "Good morning, welcome to Starbuck's, my name is Jenny. What may I get started for you today?'

SB: "Good morning. I'd like a large ... um, 'venti' coffee with three packets of Equal and non-fat milk please. And leave a little bit of room for splashing."

SBUX: "So you'd like a venti coffee with four Equal...?"

SB: "Three. Three Equal."

SBUX: "Three Equal. And cream."

SB: "No, not cream, nonfat milk."

SBUX: "Okay, venti coffee with three Equal, and nonfat milk."

SB: "Yes, and leave some splash room at the top."

SBUX: "Excuse me?"

SB: "Leave some room at the top for splashing."

SBUX: "Leave room at the top?"

SB: "Yes. So it doesn't splash."

SBUX: (giggling) "Okay, so a venti coffee, three Equal, nonfat milk with room at the top for splashing."

SB: "Yes, exactly."

SBUX: "Okay, please drive through."

(Cut to moments later at the window)

SBUX: "Okay, venti coffee with three Equal, nonfat milk and room to splash." (Big smile, somewhat condescending.)

(Cut to a further moment later, still at the window)

SBUX: "Oh, gosh, I am SOOO sorry, sir!!! Oh, gosh! I guess the lid wasn't on tightly enough. Jeez. I am sooooo sorry!!! Are you okay????? It's all over your car..."


*Though I dream in vain*
*In my heart it will remain*
*my Starbuck's melody*
*The memory of life's refrain.*

(With profound apologies to the writers of that wonderful song.)
____________________________________

Heartfelt wishes that the Castros were not in the weatherline of tornados that swept through Florida last evening.

Word of the day

Facultative~Refers to a school that has listed Harlan as an ajunct professor for 40 years when they don't even know what he looks like.

Hey Chuck,

RE:

"ENOUGH ALREADY!!! Seven weeks. Seven snowstorms. It's below zero outside."

So much for global warming, huh?!?!

ENOUGH ALREADY!!!
Seven weeks.

Seven snowstorms.

It's below zero outside.

The snow from seven weeks ago hasn't melted off yet.

Deer are moving into residential areas foraging for food.

Seven weeks.

Mother Nature is a bitch.

Chuck

Faisal,
I like your movie. I like even more the entertaining and interesting collegic discourses on "the meaning of it all". I, of course, don't need any such rosetta stone. i know precisely what it's about:
It's your frustration with those damn typing tests corporations have to give everyone applying for an 'entry-level position'. I know, i know, i feel you, sir.
Ha, i don't know if you've ever really had to go through any of those processes, but that's what your movie felt like for me. And getting dumped by the faceless Ivory Tower masters when you're done. Nice feel though, as always. Well done.
Tongue firmly in cheek, but not about the compliments,
paul

Rotten eggs of the Sahara
R. Wilder said -- "So the fact that SAHARA sucked rotten eggs with stale whiskey breath had nothing to do with its tankeroo?"

You beat me to the punch, Sir, and did so with all the taste and grace that wretched movie deserved.

"Clive Cussler is accused of inflating his book sales -- which is why the producers of SAHARA lost $105M of their investment in the movie version.

It appears that the investors' math indicated that Cussler's 100M books sold equates to 100M potential moviegoers. Not sales of SAHARA, sales of ALL his books."

So the fact that SAHARA sucked rotten eggs with stale whiskey breath had nothing to do with its tankeroo?

Clive Cussler
I used to love Clive Cussler's books when I was much, much younger. But he lost me at around the 7th book in his Dirk Pitt series because a) he started repeating himself and b) he resurrected a dead (albeit compelling) character with absolutely no explanation; one who perished in Deep Six and suddenly showed up in Cyclops without even a trace of a rotting smell or a hint of drowsiness.

When his work comes up in the discussions that comprise my conversational life, I recommend Raise the Titanic, Vixen 03 and Night Probe, and that's all. Although the idea he explores in Treasure, that the contents of the Library of Alexandria were spirited away and hidden prior to its destruction, cries out for better exploration by other writers.

I'm not surprised at the allegations in that article. He seems to be so taken with himself, he's slowly merged the characters of "Clive Cussler" and "Dirk Pitt", to the point where he inserts himself into the novels from time to time so he can interact more directly with his characters. John Fowles already did that 30 years ago, and better.

Item I thought would be of interest to the Pavilion readers:

http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/news/la-ex-anschutz1feb02,0,3908364.story?coll=la-home-headlines

Clive Cussler is accused of inflating his book sales -- which is why the producers of SAHARA lost $105M of their investment in the movie version.

It appears that the investors' math indicated that Cussler's 100M books sold equates to 100M potential moviegoers. Not sales of SAHARA, sales of ALL his books.

Therefore, if Cussler wrote 25 books (and I don't know how many he's written, but that's a realistic number), it stands to reason that that's 4M copies of each (still a staggering number). Let's assume SAHARA was an average performer, so it sold 4M copies -- of which 25% of his readers might be likely to want to see a film based upon the book. Mathematically, that means 1M people would see the film automatically, at $8 each. $8M at the boxoffice. Which means the producers have to get another 14 million people to see the movie in order to turn a decent profit.

And this guy's a billionaire???

I'd guess that this is what makes Harlan so crazy when it comes to dealing with (most) Hollywood types...

I wasn't going to comment about the death of Molly Ivins as much as it has saddened me so but john j zeock, your comment requires a response.

You are so completely wrong. Molly Ivins has been warning people who would listen about Shrub ever since his father's brief reign of ignominy.

If you insist on blaming anyone other than the bastards who got us into this mess, how about not blaming anyone who voted their conscience?

Blame instead all those worthless pieces of shit who couldn't be bothered to get up off their asses and vote at all.

I sure will miss that womanly Texas twang.

You know who was one HELLUVA character actor?

Victor Jory.

Just kinda discovered him after knowing his face from a few places since I can remember.

I "found" the man in an incredibly well-written Hitchcock episode, which had a gloss of Shakespearian tragedy, called Death Of A Cop - in which he plays a hard-boiled policeman who loses his son, also a cop trying to follow in his pa's footsteps.

The man played everything from the Shadow in the 1940's serial (which I've never seen) to the Native Chief in Papillon starrin' Steve McQueen.

He was so convincing in Papillon that I once believed he was a real true-to-life native indian.

He has played just about EVERY type of character you could fry up - and in an entirely different way in each performance.

Damn good actor.

Next, I'll bring you up to date on a recent yahoo wherein a 19-year-old chick nearly took my life (that was Monday night). What ELSE is new?

response
barney- you're correct. more tomorrow.

*** Harlan *** I'd say thank you even if I didn't suspect you had fun rubbing that one in - so, umm, thanks.

*** John *** I'm not going to make the "don't speak ill of the dead" argument because, just as a for instance, I was forwarding a Christopher Hitchens piece about Gerald R. Ford's "legacy" just a couple of weeks ago that was not kind but seemed like a much needed corrective to some hype.

But I do think it's a specious argument to put any part of the blame for the course of recent human history on to Ms. Ivins.

Yesterday Madeline Albright was being interviewed by Wolf Blitzer and Blitzer mentioned "intelligence failures" in reference to our becoming involved in (starting) the war in Iraq. Ms. Albright quite cogently pointed out these were not intelligence failures, but rather, "decision failures", which just about stopped Wolf cold and brought a big smile to my face - and I suspect a few other viewers as well.

Not succeeding from preventing people from doing stupid and possibly evil things - whatever their motives - does not transfer any culpability to the people who tried to prevent them in the first place, even if their methods were not your preferred methods.

- Barney Dannelke

Brian, Molly Ivins was always one of my favorite commentators. I met her when she addressed the annual convention of the State Teachers Association here. She had the house rocking with her speech, and later I bought two of her books. Whenever I fume about the religious right, I remember this quote by Ivins: "Fundamentalists aren't evil; they're scared."

molly ivins
i mourn the death of molly ivins but something has to be said- if not for her, michael moore, jim hightower and the rest of the "al gore isn't liberal enough for me" crowd, there would be 3,000 men and women in america and untold thousands in irag still alive. i don't blame people who voted for ralph nader because they believed in him, it's the others. as always, i remain, obediently yours.

In the buff with an Olympia SG3
The “Neatorama” site provides a list of authors who plied the trade while starkers:

http://www.neatorama.com/2007/01/30/the-naked-truth-authors-who-write-in-the-buff/

Shouldn’t our esteemed host be added to the list? Is my memory failing or wasn’t “Pretty Maggie Moneyeyes” written au natural?

Has Harlan ever been impressed by a speech?

Read the famous "It is you not I" speech in "Winterset," by Maxwell Anderson.

Mr. Qureshi,

Congratulations on your film! I would like to agree that it's more important than the discovery of penicillin, but I'm currently courting a 10-day regimen of the stuff to battle an abscessed tooth and I have to believe the penicillin is doing more for the infection than the film would if I watched it four times a day for ten days.

Sandra

I’m tempted to bloviate a little on copyright as just one element in the complex system that we have evolved for the accumulation and dissemination of knowledge. Perhaps throw in some clever cross-references to provenance, pedigree, peer review and patent law. Then close with a wise ex cathedra proclamation of the value that accrues to our society when these inter-linked systems are kept in good working order.

Fortunately, I’m already feeling like a bit of an ass, Tony‘s post on the writer‘s perspective covers current needs and the rest is in the archives.

Peace, Elijah!

DEAR PESTIFEROUS Q. DANNELKE:

Yes, of course, as is the case with EVERYDAMNTHING, every damn for-most-people-mundane-thing, in my life, there is a nifty tale
of getting McGinnis out of semi-retirement by Charles Ardai of the terrific pb HARD CASE line (which anyone who is into great hardboiled and/or Gold Medal-style writing ought to be buying book after book) and me. A story I'll relate when next we see each other, onaccounta I don't feel like doing it blahblahblah.

HOWEVER...Mr. McGinnis (though he asks me to call him Bob, I somewhichway cannot bring myself to be that presumptuous with one of my idols) did do about eight or nine color sketches pre-
full cover painting. The size of the original is EXACTLY 10" wide by 16 and 1/4" high. How can I be so precise? Well (the sound of you eating your black wretched shrunken heart out is music to my shell-like ears even cross-country), it is because the original, handsomely framed, now hangs in my front hall.

Hoping this has made your day, I remain, Yr. Pal, Harlan

We lost another of the good ones
Molly Ivins passed away today.

Damn. If anyone deserved to see the end of the Bush era, it was her.

Something more important then the discovery of Penecillin
My short film Scribble is on the web and earning me money.

(Not good quality and the sound isn't as loud as it should be and we shot on Super 16mm film and it ends up looking like that and you really need to see it on the big screen to do it justice but....)

Link at:

http://www.atomfilms.com/film/scribble.jsp

FAQ

usa
Disgrace for Britney Spears! Ooops! She did it again...
http://bagiart.info/?p=30

*** Harlan *** I just logged my spiffy new Edgeworks Abbey copy of SPIDER KISS into my LibraryThing utility, and was re-admiring the new Robert McGinnis cover. Nice to see the artist credited front, back and inside, lest there be any doubt.

Normally you're pretty vocal about the artists on the covers of your books. I was wondering if there is any back story to how this cover came about.

Robert McGinnis, like the Dillons and the incomparable Richard Powers, is one of the very few people who can get me to buy a book simply because of the cover art. In fact, a friend of mine once asked me about the merits of a certain author and I told him, "just buy the ones with the McGinnis covers and do yourself a favor and don't READ any of them."

Not that SPIDER KISS has anything like that problem. I'm just saying, he has that kind of pull as an artist. So, how'd you rope him? How big is the original? Did he start with a photo reference, as he usually does? And where is the original now?

- Barney

Pestiferous, PA.

Dan Simmons and Erik Nelson's documentary
Harlan,

At Dan Simmons' book signing last night in San Mateo, a film crew hired by Nelson showed up to get some final comments from Dan re your influence on his career for insertion into the essentially finished product. Better alert your lawyers...

...just kidding.

He read part of an intro to a collection of his stories that you wrote into the camera, and then the crew filmed a few other comments about you from Dan. They also took various shots of people getting books signed. Methinks you'll be pleased (if you can watch the whole thing; I understand it's a bit disconcerting to see oneself being talked about on screen...)

A local newsman, who originally planned to come and get a book signed, apparently was asked by Nelson or someone connected with Nelson to do the quick interview. He mentioned that the doc is close to being released, and that the film will not make the festival circuit in lieu of release (apparently it would have been submitted to Sundance if timing had been more propitious), though I suppose this does not necessarily preclude it from being shown at some future festival. He was a nice man, and sounded like he knew what he was talking about, but I cannot vouch for the absolute accuracy of any of his reported comments. Just letting you know Daniel went on video record giving you your props.

Harlan, after your next fiction book you have to push for a sequel to PROCRUSTEAN BED anyway, so put the Sturgeon essay in there. Tell them your fans demand it. We have all of Sturgeon's original books, and we'd go broke if we had to buy all the books you wrote introductions for. I'm sure the essay is one of the more important pieces of nonfiction you ever wrote, and I would love to find it in my personal library one day.

(Are there any uncollected stories in the volume? The release date seems to be July 17th.)

topic retracted
All : Sorry for jumping on an issue that's long since worn out its welcome. Consider this post my attempt to drag its unseemly carcass back out of the spotlight.

Jack : I have to make a point of giving ground to you for pointing out that ideas are a dime a dozen and it's what's made of them that matters. I can't believe I made this gaffe given the number of times I've chuckled at the anecdotes of rubes who offer an author an idea and then expect a percentage of profits from the finished book. That's not what I was getting at but all the same... Touche, ya got me.

Harlan : Thank you for separating my good intentions from the quality of my suppositions. I'm embarassed to admit it, but thanks also for saying I was ok in your book. *grin* If you let me know what stores carry it, I'll pick up a copy to read when I'm having days like yesterday. It helped.

Notes on a Morning
I don't object to Elijah for voicing his opinion, but I object to the opinion itself. I gotta disagree vehemently that artistic works should be available, for free, just because they can be. That's the creator's (small c) decision, not up to the masses.

The masses, of course, may do what they will, but it doesn't make it any more right or defensible to steal the product of another person's labor.

(As far as I know, Elijah is a good guy, but one I've never met...)
_____________________________________________

Yes, Sidney Sheldon is gone. Would that the current gaggle of bestselling writers be as good as he.
_____________________________________________

Joseph Biden enters the presidential relay. Yes, we could use a few more Clarence Thomas' on the Supreme Court.
_____________________________________________

And, because the Pavilion seems to have some sense of the realities of life: in a few minutes I am going to pick up the phone and call my parents to let them know that a friend of the family -- a fraternity brother of my father's, a resident of this-here LBC (one of our favorite "fundraiser event" buddies around town), and the godfather to me and my siblings -- has been re-diagnosed with colon cancer, and it seems to have moved into his liver as well. Anyone who has dealt with the Big C knows that the liver is a bad thing to have involved. A very bad thing.

He enters chemo Friday. Cris and I are devastated.

I appreciate everyone will be tempted to post their condolences, and I appreciate it in advance -- but there's no need to hijack the board with what we all know is there. I just felt like mentioning it somewhere before I made the call.

RIP Sidney
I loved several of the cons in "If Tomorrow Comes" (the chess game, the pair of emeralds, etc.).

LOS ANGELES (Jan. 30) - Sidney Sheldon, who won awards in three careers, Broadway theater, movies and television, then at age 50 turned to writing best-selling novels about stalwart women who triumph in a hostile world of ruthless men, has died. He was 89.

Prez Libraries, etc.


I'm not all that against building presidential libraries while the former prez is still alive, if for one reason:

When the Truman library was completed, Mr. Truman himself had an office there, and would stay well after closing. He just loved to answer the phone saying, "Hello, this is Harry Truman." and listening to their response.

Waiting until after he'd shuffled off the mortal coil would have made that experience impossible for a lot of people.

So, Werner Herzog loved "Dreams with Sharp Teeth"? If there is a venue that would show it, the Tivoli and Mayan would be the most likely places. I'd have hated to wait until the DVD came out anyway, but an endorsement like that has me hoping.

Chuck

Sturgeon
Seven years ago, Harlan dropped some tantalizing asides about the strange and wonderful Ted Sturgeon at Aggie-Con and the knowledge that he was writing the intro to Volume XI only reminded me how much I longed to hear more.

Ellison and Sturgeon back between the same covers...I can hardly wait...

I for one wouldn't dream of being mean to Elijah Newton -- the opinion was expressed in an even tone & great reasonableness. But I do have to speak up to differ.

I've spent the past half-decade working with hopeful unpublished writers. There's been a small undercurrent that is very big on "sharing" the works of others, from fiction excerpts & pithy quotes -- often without atribution, much less bibliography -- & sometimes complete pieces.

Quack, quack quack, "free exchange of Ideas," quack, quack, quack, "cultural marketplace," quack, quack, quack.

Any guesses on how quickly this does a 180 when I utter the fateful words, "You really need to get this published"?

Suddenly the same anarchists are filing copyright for every thousand words, & Gooogling key passages to see if people are ripping them off from crit sites, & asking whether they need to retain a lawyer because excerpts are still lurking about on their old Yahoo! group.

See, I'm of mixed attitude on this myself. Sure, I'd like to see a world where "copyright reversed" had some meaning. Sure, I think creative folk ought to be supported if not sinecured simply because society sucks somewhat less with healthy creative ferment (& it does bug me that so many creatives get fat&lazy when guaranteed of a warm dry room & two squares/day). There's been some limited success with giving away free mp3s to boost CD sales, & maybe someday we'll live in a world where the ebook is a great way to draw deadtree sales.

But, in general, people who rail to any degree against copyright really need to (a) write something worth reading & then (b) establish its value by selling it. Until then, it's at best prescriptive & high-handed for the Bantus & Baptists to expound on how the Watusi & Catholic OUGHT TO feel.

And once they've actually got some skin in the game, I bet you see 'em become even more ardent about Creative Rights than those they previously chided.

The Story
YO, HARLAN!!!!

Ready whenever you are, buddy. And I can't wait to see your introduction to the Sturgeon.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright c 2007 by The Kilimanjaro Corporation. All rights reserved.
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Did I mention I'd finally finished the Sturgeon piece?

It's titled "Abiding with Sturgeon: Mistral in the Bijou" and it's (did I happen to mention?) 10 thousand 2 hundred fuckin' words long?

Did I mention wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!

?

-he

EVERYONE ELSE:

Leave Elijah Newton alone. You're truly and sincerely way off the Reality Beam in your suppositions, Elijah, but you are clearly a good guy, and you mean well, so ... no offense taken; and probably none meant by your co-dwellers here. But one would think, after all this time, and the outcome of the AOL litigation proffered to you on this site alone (not to mention the very sharp and smart and exhaustive back'n'forth about this very subject in the Webderland archives, that went on for more than 2 years) no one would be masticating this dead meat again.

So. Be nice to Newton, you goons. He's okay in MY book.

Which, er, uh, happens to be copyright 2000 by The Kilimanjaro Corporation.

Harlan

HEY, SKILLINGSTEAD!!!!!

I haven't forgotten our story. Today I completed all the corrections and additions to the Sturgeon introduction -- for which, I was reminded, horribly, I'd agreed to write same for a $10 (ten dollar) honorarium -- and this piece that it's taken me about three years and a trip to the hospital to write, tops out at 10,200 words. It will see print (unless I can arrange for someone to do it in another venue after the North Atlantic Books volume XI of THE COMPLETE STORIES OF THEODORE STURGEON comes out) only in said tome.

And so, with this millstone off my shoulders, I can go back to writing short stories half-finished; of which there isn't one called The Chair; but --

Trus'me ... The Chair IS IS IS IS coming. Shortly.

And, speaking of shortly, Yr. Pal, Harlan
-------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright c 2007 by The Kilimanjaro Corporation. All rights reserved.
-------------------------------------------------------------

JIM & CINDY ARGENDELI:

Susan and I both miss you.

Answer to your release-date-of-DREAMS WITH SHARP TEETH-query is outside my purview. I suggest you go to the website at

CREATIVE DIFFERENCES

and ask the director-producer, ERIK NELSON, for his latest word on such matters. I am hands-off, for the most part. I know very little about this film's march toward the attention of A.O. Scott of the NY Times, Roger Ebert (if he gets well as soon as I'd have it), or even that chimp Roeper. The concept that my life might be an Oscar contender numbs my brain. But I've tried to stay very very much out of the producing entity's way, to avoid even the scent of "fannish nepotism." (Even to suggesteing VERY strongly that Creative Differences interview not only my friends, who would say nice things about me--for the most part--but my enemies. Who, I think, would make much more tasty remarks about what a dick I am.) Erik's response was, "I don't have to interview anybody else...you're your worst enemy."

The man is a goy. We must sit shiva for him.

Good to hear from you guys. Yr. Pal, Harlan

Newton:
You said: "Of course, ideas are sacred." In fiction, ideas ARE NOT sacred. Ideas are a dime a dozen. Copyright exists to protect the work of a writer who has made something out of an idea. Give away all the ideas you want, but don't give away a writer's work under the hazy notion that it's good to do so on general principles, or because copyright is some fat cat protection racket designed to benefit distributors.

Elijah, God Bless you son, but that's a steaming pile big enough to trip over.

I know we're all about point-counterpoint here, but you haven't got a thesis coherent enough to attack.

(*groan* I shouldn't say anything, I shouldn't say anything...)
My respect for Harlan is boundless. I don't endorse posting anyone's work without their permission and, hey, if the artist or craftsperson can get a buck or fifty for it, more power to them.

But. BUT! Copyrights are not the last answer, are not the final step in some capitalistic evolution. They are an imperfect, evolving solution. One which, I hasten to add, may be increasingly ill equipped to deal with ideas of property and theft. Those two concepts, which originated with discrete, physical items and then weathered a transistion to the duplication of physical items (printed books), cannot help but be somewhat worn and frayed when it comes to reproductions which are potentially infinite in quantity and parity. (nrr, not quite the right word. sorry)

Of course, ideas are sacred. That is the underpinning of why I feel so strongly that knowledge should be distributed. It is also at the core of why people believe artists deserve to be compensated.

"The "tragedy of the commons" is the familiar notion that widespread public use of a commons leads to its inevitable depletion. But some resources, once created, cannot be depleted. In the words of Thomas Jefferson, "He who receives an idea from me, receives instruction himself without lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine receives light without darkening me." An idea is not diminished when more people use it." (http://creativecommons.org/about/legal)

Again, I repeat: It is not fair to give away someone else's work. Creators should be free to charge money, give it away, or burn it sight unseen. Creators should have control over what they make.

But man o man could I do with less talk, particularly from this crowd of The Good and Wise, about how copywriting work is some gift from on high. It's a legitmate, moneymaking tool. And that's it.

And it's not about making money for the creators, either. The people cutting the checks are those distributing the products, not the people buying them. So enough already with the arguments about how the starving artist gets fed because of copyright law, that's bunk.

The starving artist starves because nobody pays him until (in the case of writers) a publishing company finds him worthy of their patronage. That's the current paradigm, that's the way things are. Fine, I can accept that. But when I hear about people bucking the copyright system, I see an objection to this method of distribution.

Look, let me take one of my favorite authors; Stephen King. He gets published because his name, writ large across the cover of a book, will sell a metric fuck ton of processed dead trees. He gets paid a lot of money. (and he's earned his chops - my beef is not with Stevie)

How many other authors could be published with these resources? Many and many. Why aren't we questioning the paradigm that's preventing these many creators from earning a living wage, rather than supporting a system that benefits a relatively small number of creators and a huge parastic distribution network.


My apologies to anyone who's read through this and found it a complete waste of time. It's been a rough day. (also sorry for 'copywrites' where it should be 'copyrights')

There's a big film festival in Seattle coming up. Maybe they'll have a showing. I think "Grizzly Man" appeared at the festival the year it was released.

Documentaries and Book Critics
HARLAN: Can't wait to see the Nelson documentary. Sounds like a winner (maybe it'll get nominated for a "golden boy"). As for book critics, my daughter -- recently invited to join the "Young Playwright's Circle" run by the Coterie Theater here in Kansas City -- who is the more talented writer in this family, wrote a review for a bookclub last month in which she referred to ERAGON as "the disfigured lovechild of 'StarWars' and LORD OF THE RINGS." She's definitely walking in the salty, critical footsteps of Ms. Parker and thineself.

--DTS (tip o' the hat to Susan).

How can someone have a hard time defending democracy? That's like saying it is hard to defend love or pizza for that matter. Democracy is the golden hammer that hits us on the noggin, telling us to wake the fuck up. Democracy demands something from us, mainly to let other people have freedom, and for them not to be oppressed by your idea about what you think they should want and imposing that on them by force. Democracy takes effort, but sadly, in this country, we need daddy government to hold our hand, because we think the big bad terrorists are going to blow up our good thing. So let's strip away all the laws and rights we have fought for for hundreds of years and stuff it all down the rathole. Not me man, not me. They have to take my grin from my face by force.

------------

Who let that pinhead in here?

I knew I hated MySpace for the right reasons.

I would like to see the documentary as well. If it is released in selected cities, may my city be selected.

Any news on a possible release date on the documentary?

Same words, different meanings

In London a tube station is where you catch the 5:15. In the US it's a spaghetti restaurant.

Harlan,
Congrats on your fantastic 15 minutes. I hope to get a chance to see the movie and await a chance to buy the book. Here's to the rest of your day measuring up.

Harlan, I think that Herzog was talking about you, too. "Raw Power," indeed.

Matthew's post reminds me of a time in Driver's Ed class where a fellow student told a story of how someone he knew was in a car accident. He hadn't been wearing his seat belt and the impact from the collision pushed him across his seat whereas if he had been wearing the thing, he would have likely been killed.

This seemed to refute what the instructor had been saying and I edged closer to the edge of my seat, wondering what the response could possibly be.

"So what's your point?" the instructor asked. "That seat belts are bad and that we shouldn't wear them?"

So what, Matthew, that you can find pirated works? Their presence or availability doesn't make them legitimate. Nor, as far as I can see, would this fact make for a longer lasting impression on the public.

Getting rid of copyright protection would mean less money for the author and presumably a smaller body of work as he wouldn't be able to produce as much while struggling to earn a wage. The way to be remembered isn't to produce work available for free, but to produce great work. If someone's not willing to pay a fee to read it, who cares if they're going to be sitting around remembering it? I submit they're nobody's target audience.

YOU AIN'T GONNA BELIEVE THIS!

Two fantastic things just happened in the last fifteen minutes.

1) The advance copies of the new DREAM CORRIDOR came in!!!!!!

2) I got a phone call from Werner Herzog, who saw the documentary on me, and he was nuts about it. He kept saying "raw power" and "brilliant" about Erik Nelson's film!

It's about to start raining here at Ellison Wonderland; sky is lowering, gray and ominous. So why is the sun shining in my heart?!!!?

Yr. Pal, HardeleeDardeleeWhoopdeeDoo Ellison

Astounding, to me, is the logic that although you've caught one person misbehaving and taken corrective action, you haven't noticed "all these other people" misbehaving, somehow YOU'RE the one at fault.

Stolen work is stolen work, regardless of the intent of the individual doing the stealing. It seems that the Myspace poster who put up IHNMAIMS reacted properly to it being pointed out as wrong, apologizing for the transgression and immediately taking down the work. I would suggest that anyone who knowingly posts and defends posting copyrighted material is not only a criminal but a fool. The person who pursues them is not, they are the victim. Should one of my photographs appear somewhere without permssion, I, too, would be slightly miffed. Ditto my wife's music.

Theft is theft, and there's no reasonable defense of it.

I'm a little surprised with Matthew's second post. I don't think anyone's attacking you here, but deliberate posting of illegal material is a very sensitive topic hereabouts (and not just for our patron). It's indefensible. And I don't personally agree that piracy somehow helps contribute to longevity. Quality and reputation contribute far more to a legacy than posting of stolen merchandise EVER will, particularly considering that the probable viewers of the repost aren't likely to be the editors, teachers and scholars who will determine what's read in a hundred years.

Just my humble opinion, but whether Ellison, Olson, Castro, Schindler, Richmond, Rickard -- or any of the other hundreds of people mentioned on these pages who've published successfully -- have any long-term literary legacy is driven by factors that are little influenced by illegal postings on a private web page.

plague yer eyes - ing

Unless someone was reviving his name from years back, Matthew Dickinson apparently wrote: "If Harlan Ellison's stories are pirated, they will be better remembered in years to come." (editor's note: the person in question's posts have been removed as he was banned permanently ages ago)


Maybe, but will he be?

Credit should go where it is due. Just try to pin down who originated a popular quote like "Everything I like is either illegal, immoral, or fattening." I've seen it attributed to Mae West, W.C. Fields, and Dorothy Parker . . . probably by folks who don't even know who one or more of these people were.

Democracy and Elitism
I find it hard these days to defend democracy to my students. One is forced to paraphrase Churchill and say that it's bad, but preferrable to any other system. Perhaps this is true. What keeps me wedded to democracy is, more than anything else, a careful look at the "elites" that have dominated modern America: the Bushies, the Rockefellers, the Gores, the Kennedys, the Harrimans, the Roots. I have seen my betters and they ain't. This realization--that what we'd get if we changed would in no way imporve the situation--paralles my arguments with two friends in Britain who are small "r" republicans. I just tell them: "repeat after me--President Blair, President Blair, President Blair...." That shuts them up.

KIM OWEN SMITH:

Thank you.

-he

KB:

Several different kinds of thankee for the nice Robert Hughes quote. As a lifelong elitist, I am in sage, silent agreement.

And, to be sure, this attitude -- another version of which is Bertolt Brecht's "He who laughs has simply not heard the bad news" -- is more infuriating than GOD IS DEAD to the great wad of mediocres. Elitism, in this age of Everyone Is Entitled To His Own Opinion, and Everyone is Equal, and political correctness, is the New Heresy. Ain't he arrogant, the blobs of the wad wail. I don't care for his superior attitude. Who the hell does he think he is, God?

Er uh ...

Yr. Pal, Harlan
HARLAN ELLISON
- Monday, January 29 2007 22:39:41

Hey, Greenawalt:

Actually, surprised me as much as it will you, but I did, in fact understand, that is to say I "got" MARIENBAD -- though I haven't time or inclination to deconstruct it. Not in the few years on this Earth left to me.

What I COULD NOT get, posssibly because s'help me honest it kept putting me to ACTUAL SLEEP!!! -- and every time I woke the idiot characters were still running round and round and round a big rock, was L'AVENNTURA.

Yr. Pal, Harlan

If Harlan Ellison's stories are pirated, they will be better...
"If Harlan Ellison's stories are pirated, they will be better remembered in years to come."

Absolutely true Matthew, because the court cases and asskickings both legal and physical that would ensue of any pirates of Harlan Ellison's work will linger long and painfully in the cultural memory.

They used to leave the tarred bodies of the original pirates on display, hanging in chains for weeks, besides the Thames, "por encourager les autres".

I have it on good authority that Harlan Ellison follows pretty much the same policy, only with more modern tools of enforcement.

By all means, encourage the pirates in your way, and Harlan Ellison will "encourage" them to desist in his own inimitable fashion.

KOS

PS
By the way, what makes you think Harlan cares about being "better remembered in years to come" anyway, especially if it be by the sort of Jukes and Kallikaks who think thievery is the highest form of praise? I imagine Halran Ellison writes for his own purposes, and those are his business and none of ours. As for me, I'd say "fuck years to come", and would rather appreciate the artist now by not stealing from him, at the very least.

Down these streets a bad biography goes.
The Tom Hiney biography of Chandler is a mess. Having lived in Los Angeles and San Diego, Hiney doesn't under the geography of Southern California, and makes mistakes easily solved if he first read Frank McShanes' first and superior biography of Raymond Chandler.

McShane's book to my taste bring you closer to Chandler's private life and how he went about creating his books and details their reception upon publication. Hiney gives you a book report at best on the art Chandler slowly, painfully, created. I think one of the problem is that outside of Chandler's time at Dulwich the public school he attended before returning to the United States, Hiney really lacks understand of California culture, prohibition or the political corruption that was all part of the hardboiled plots of the time.

A trip to amazon or hamilton books will reward you with lots of scholastic and entertain books of Chandler, as well as Hammett and Ross McDonald. Library of America has done some fine hardcovers of his work and a few years ago, Everyman's Library collected for the first time all of Chandler's short stories under one cover. For Hammett fans, there is a collection of short stories that pre-date some of his black mask pieces that were carried in SMART SET and other places.

DAN SIMMONS, who get a few mentions here from time to time will be doing an appearance, Wednesday at M FOR MYSTERY in San Mateo. Time unknown at this time, but that is what the internet is for.

As a matter of pure coincidence, considering the recent Webderland topics of "Old Masters" and "Is Harlan Funny?", I was trolling CJ Cherryh's site and came across her Science Fiction and Fantasy Starter's List for those that want a fast yet representative introduction to the genre.

Following the list is a section titled, "The Authors You Should Know". Among the nine Silver Age authors listed is one Harlan Ellison. Ms. Cherryh has this to say about him:

"Harlan Ellison.....a short-story writer and screen writer, a keen wit, a very ascerbic humor, and an irreverent take on the universe. One of the most brilliant and reckless of humorists and social critics, notoriously quick and ruthless with a word, a master of the short story."

It's almost as though they had met at some point....

Sue teaching English
Sue
Ow do luv, as thas givin lessons in ow speak proper, did nee forgit when livid in Manchester how we spoke. I wud be greet tave a character speek like us opp north sted o them ponsy beggers darn sarth.
As well as wanker, use Arse, Bollocks and Bugger as much as thee can.
Hope thee and t’hubbys well, speek to thee soon.
Luv Steve

Best Biography You've Read?
The discussion of the Chandler bio below got me wondering about this.

By no means have I read all the biographies I should, and I've probably read some that I shouldn't have, but the best work of biographical scholarship I've encountered is Ron Chernow's "Alexander Hamilton". Extensively researched, wonderfully executed, natch.

To put it another way, KB, Robert Anton Wilson had a line about "the only moral form of segregation", the fools on one side and the rest on the other.

Just finished Tom Hiney's bio of Raymond Chandler. No, no insights (from me anyway) about the relationship between the author's life and his work although Chandler himself had a great line, "Who cares when a writer got his first bicycle?"

No, the revelation I enjoyed was finding our that Joyce Carol Oates publicly opposed the inclusion of Chandler in the Library of America(!), accusing him of racism and misogyny. Now Chandler certainly depicted the casual racism and misogyny of Marlowe's 40s LA with his usual skill but of course it is a bigtime rookie mistake to extrapolate from that the author himself is so afflicted.

Perhaps an older, wiser Oates was doing penance last year when she championed H. P. Lovecraft's inclusion into the LOA? Reading HPL's letters reveals no bigger racist in the annals of American literature but you know friends, it never occurred to me to use that as an excuse to keep him out. (And this allows me to anticipate the question as to why I would want RC in and HPL out.)

FAREWELL, MY LOVELY is Literature (upper case used advisedly) in a way that none of HPL's work ever is. For me it's that simple.

Keith Cramer---

Some time back, I read on Mark Evanier's site that he used to have a friend who was desperately wary of hearing anything about a new movie, so much so that once, when Evanier commented, "I heard that movie is really good", his friend refused to see it because Evanier had "ruined it" for him.

You aren't that guy, are you?
-------
TCM---Turner Classic Movies---What can I say? Many of their "classics" aren't. Currently playing is "It's Trad, Dad!" The basic plot is that a couple are looking for an emcee for a jazz programme. The acting is minimal. It's actually more of a music video than a movie.

I looked at the first page at the imdb site and didn't recognize any of the players, but I did note that it was directed by Richard Lester. I went to the page that shows the full cast and found Chubby Checker, Gary U. S. Bonds, Del Shannon, and The Dukes of Dixieland and some guy with the odd name of Acker Bilk, among others.

http://imdb.com/title/tt0055026/fullcredits

As a movie, it's not worth watching. As a look at some of the music, I found it worth my 80 minutes. Maybe I'll watch it again.

Harlan, I imagine you have no more room on your walls for quotes, but here's a good one from Robert Hughes' just published memoir "Things I Didn't Know":

"For of course I am completely an elitist, in the cultural but emphatically not the social sense. I prefer the good to the bad, the articulate to the mumbling, the esthetically developed to the merely primitive, and full to partial consciousness. I love the spectacle of skill, whether it’s an expert gardener at work, or a good carpenter chopping dovetails, or someone tying a Bimini hitch that won’t slip. I don’t think stupid or ill-read people are as good to be with as wise and fully literate ones. I would rather watch a great tennis player than a mediocre one, unless the latter is a friend or relative. Consequently, most of the human race doesn’t matter much to me, outside the normal and necessary frame of courtesy and the obligation to respect human rights. I see no reason to squirm around apologizing for this...Some Australians feel this is a confession of antidemocratic sin; but I am no democrat in the field of the arts, the only arena – other than sports – in which human inequality can be displayed and celebrated without doing social harm."

British Telemarketing
Steve,

Yes, by jove, that bally telemarketing oojamaflip is certainly over here. A beastly thing it is too, doncha know...? Run by wankers and tossers.

Toodle-oo, old thing! Pip pip!

Rob

A couple of unrelated comments - I was just talking about James Frey's book with Harlan the other day. Friend of mine was reading it when it came out, before the controversy. She was raving about it, and so I perused a couple random pages, and said, "Dude's making this shit up." There's no way anyone who's been through rehab writes about it the way he did. I was surprised when the news broke and everyone acted like it was some kind of shocking revelation. Go figure.

Next - I lived in England from 1979 to 1980. The notion that anyone needs to teach me how to use "wanker" in casual conversation is bollocks.

Lastly, I think I've found my next project. Who wouldn't want to see Dave Chapelle and Harlan playing a pair of stoners? I smell Oscars for everyone.

Kristin: I agree that ex-presidents should wait until they've gone to that great Oval Office in the Sky before a library is built in their honor. Of course, modesty is not a virtue common to politicians--particularly to one whose theme song is "Hail to the Chief."

Shelly: I'm sure President Bush favors pictures over text. As to the "Petting Zoo": I think that would be a bit too tame for him. A torture dungeon--that's the ticket! Of course it wouldn't be called that. "Hall of Enhanced Persuasion" might work. There are plenty of people to practice on in Guantanamo.

Regarding JONATHAN STRANGE & MR. NORRELL: on some website a person commented that reading it was like hearing William Hung sing "She Bangs" 50 times in a row. Now THAT'S a bad review!

*** John *** What's to explain? Is the plot the hang-up? I'll take Kyrou over Medved in this argument any day of the week.

As a book seller I do love me some Robbe-Grillet. Sell his stuff all day long. Just last week a copy of "L'Annee Derniere A Marienbad" either paid for an evening's drinking at Cannon's or my HC 1st edition of the TERROR - so he's OK by me.

*** Harlan *** On another board I'm having a discussion about the 100 year old question about author's lives versus their texts and how important or linked one is to the other or should be to the other. While I've been tempted to mention you I've been working from recent James Ellroy interviews and the big 4 page NYTBR career retrospective piece they just did on Norman Mailer. Mostly because those to gentlemen have studiously used and confused these questions to the benefit of their literary careers.

I'm not going to ask you where you come down on all this since I think the last 50 years speaks pretty clearly. But I know based on conversations I've heard you have over the years that you've read at least enough lit-crit to smooth sail you through any University garden party.

My question is this. Do you think there are schools of literary criticism that ought to be avoided or have no merit. Are there modes of this sort of analysis that you wish would go away, or that you wish you had not read because you see them now as false roads?

- Barney

Cinematic challenge

Let's see Harlan explain the movie "Last Year at Marienbad," which nobody has been able to understand.

Britishy. Ha! Folks around here think I'm British because I pronounce my consonants.

Remember: "parking lot" is "car park".

Stupid question: is telemarketing as common in the UK as it is here?

Harlan's Reviewing Rhetoric toward Jonathan Strange
Brad:

Harlan's bile may be extreme, but it is in no way out of line. I have seen rhetoric of the same kind used by many reviewers, of films, books, stage performances, etc., when the critic felt that the item under review deserved it. I read one review of James Frey's fictitious memoir, before it was exposed as fictitious, that made my eyes pop out -- I wish I could remember where I saw it, because it was that brilliant an evisceration. My eyeballs bled. Roger Ebert wrote a book called I HATED, HATED, HATED, HATED THIS MOVIE, that collected some of his more elegant flights of scorn. Mark Twain wrote of one awful book, "Nobody could top this, not even an idiot." I have used rhetoric of the kind in my own forays into reviewing, multiple times. The point is that nothing Harlan has said, in any of the excerpts he has shown us, goes beyond the boundaries of what a reviewer may be expected to do -- and as long as that reviewer provides sound reasons for his bile, it falls within the category of the "reasonable assessment" you're looking for, and is utterly within his duty. There ARE books (and movies, and plays, etc), awful enough to deserve such treatment. You don't go to Harlan Ellison, or to any critic worth paying (I humbly include myself), if you want bland commentary reducing their opinions to polite up-and-down thumbs.

I note, by the way, that Harlan's words were directed toward Ms. Clarke's book, not Ms. Clarke herself. This is important, and needs to be noted, as reviews can enter the realm of personal attack. Harlan once made that error himself, saying, "The man is shit," when he felt that the artist's work was shit; to his credit, when this was pointed out to him, he publicly apologized. But attack her work? If he really hates it that much? That's the risk you take when you put work out there. Harlan's been savaged in worse terms, and has occasionally even taken perverse pride in it (see, for instance, how often he repeats James Blish's judgment that his "Glowworm" was "the worst science fiction story ever written.")

(This sometimes leads to odd questions of etiquette. Within the last couple of days I found myself in the odd position of facing a possible professional relationship with an individual whose work I once savaged at length and with all the rhetorical tools at my disposal. He was not aware of the review, and I had to point it out to him, explaining that I thought it best to do so now, rather than allow my past words to catch up with us and maybe take him by surprise later. I have not received his response yet. Maybe he'll still want to work with me. Maybe he won't. If he does, he'll have to live with what I said. The bottom line, though, is that given a time machine, I would not go back and change a single word I wrote about the piece of work that so appalled me, way back when. I would say it again, and the only reason I'm not quoting my words now, to show the extent of the abuse I heaped on his work, is that there's no particular reason to keep piling on him now.)

Me, I want to read the rest of that review. Having forced my way halfway through Susannah Clarke's tome, over a period of MONTHS -- only managing a chapter every few weeks, and stopping for regular plasma infusions from the likes of Donald Westlake -- I can certainly relate...

A-TC

"The multisyllabic words of this wretched excess of a novel do not so much 'leap off the page' as they hurl themselves in suicidal lemminglike frenzy to absent themselves from the scene of an auctorial disaster."


Harlan - I haven't read JONATHAN STRANGE & MR. NORRELL. It may well be an extremely bad book. But it's hardly surprising that the LA Times refused to publish your review. The critic's job is to provide a responsible assessment, not to use the review as an opportunity to display her/his wit. How would you feel if somebody had dismissed one of your books in terms such as these, terms which are so generalized that they could be applied to pretty much anything the reviewer happened not to like?

Oops.

Itchy trigger finger. *Sorry*

(Psst, Harlan, I can get you a video cam quick. Just a few minutes of Josh learning to speak British-ly'd be good revenge for the B5 Christmas gift vid. Just sayin')

(Vid. That's a British term for "video". I learnt that on Dr Who.)



BTW: Gerry Anderson denies the "aliens hostage" rumours. (See? See! Brit spelling!). Then again, he's also been known to refer to CAPTAIN SCARLETT as "that documentary series"...

(Psst, Harlan, I can get you a video cam quick. Just a few minutes of Josh learning to speak British-ly'd be good revenge for the B5 Christmas gift vid. Just sayin')

(Vid. That's a British term for "video". I learnt that on Dr Who.)



BTW: Gerry Anderson denies the "aliens hostage" rumours. (See? See! Brit spelling!). Then again, he's also been known to refer to CAPTAIN SCARLETT as "that documentary series"...

Definitely Not on Harlan's Resume
I don't know whether I should fume at the ignorance of the reviewer, or chuckle at the thought of Harlan portraying a beclouded stoner, or both:

http://www.dvdtalk.com/reviews/review.php?ID=26292

I saw this movie years ago but I don't remember much about it. IMDB lists the actor who played Kenny as "Harland Williams."

Alexei Sayle is terriffic. Anyone who describes himself as "that fat, loud, dangerously violent twat on the tube screaming at himself to shut up in three different voices you move quickly away from." is really okay in my book.
Speaking of books, his TRAIN TO HELL is pretty darn funny too.

"I've got WAR tattooed me left hand, PEACE tattooed on me right hand, and THE BROTHERS KARAMAZOV down me spine."

Harlan: "Susan is trying to teach Josh to 'speak Britishly.'

"Her first lesson was this: try to use 'wanker' in a sentence as often as possible."


Naah...according to the Marxist Surrealist Liverpudlian comic Alexei Sayle, it's "Fuuuuckin' wanker shit piss wank fuck cunt do wot knock it on th' 'ead giv' it 'n abortion be lucky be brief." (From his early '80s standup album CAK!, a tape of which I'll gladly send along if additional teaching materials are required. I'll even throw in his SF/mystery/radio parody THE FISH PEOPLE TAPES, in which it's revealed that the strange monsters who murdered a London gangster are actually aliens enslaved by Gerry and Sylvia Anderson...)

Cheers!
Don Hilliard

Barney wrote: ** I could be a 400 pound Asian transvestite with an eye patch and a stutter - not that there's anything "wrong" with that - for all that the internet is an indicator. **

Don't let Barney fool you. His description is on the mark.

Harlan Ellison's Kryptonite, part 2?
A while ago, someone posted Ellison getting a gift that was likened to Kryptonite. I won't spoil the surprise for those who have not seen the clip.

While going through my old videotapes, I came across a show that was mentioned in "The Glass Teat", "What's It All About, World?". The GoodLife Network used to show the reruns and I have to say, that it's pretty much as Ellison describes it (say it with me), "a horror of right-wing imbecility".

The column described the show in horrific detail. Ellison mentioned a girl they called "Happy Hollywood" (Bayn Johnson, who was in the "Electric Company" TV show a few years later), singing a tribute to President Nixon, which ends with her saying "President Nixon, we luuuuv you!". By the way, I can't find my copy of Ellison's book just now, so if my memory is incorrect, I apologize.

It seems that I have the clip in question. If it is indeed the same clip, it's worse than that.

It starts off with Happy introducing her musical number. She was dolled up to look like Shirley Temple every week. It's plays like a twee version of "Vertigo". She says something to the effect of, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I just want to let you know that a really, really great man has just been elected President and Chief Executive Officer of the most powerful nation of the free world and his name is Richard Nixon!" She then sings her loving tribute to Nixon.

If this ended here, it would have certainly rated a 7.6 on the booty-clenching scale, but after the song, two dancers appear; one has a giant Richard Nixon head, the other in a giant Spiro Agnew head. They all break into a dance routine. Yes, there is tap, yes, there is soft-shoe dancing.

In the same show, there was the sketch about a box of candy which included Dean Jones who played a white marshmallow ("People love white! White is ALWAYS good") and Scoey Mitchlll (sic) played, yes, you guessed it, a piece of chocolate nougat. Marlo Thomas narrated it. The last piece to left is the chocolate, because, according to Thomas, "some people don't like chocolate". A bit later, Carl Reiner comes along and eats the chocolate nougat because, as Thomas says, "some people love chocolate".

To quote Lenny Bruce's take on "The Esther Costello Story", "So, what's the moral?"

To quote Anna Russell, take on Wagner's Ring Cycle, "I'm not making this up, you know!".

I posted a review of this show on the Internet Movie Database because it was a source of perverse delight for me. I stopped taping it when Hines, Hines and Dad (Gregory, Maurice and their father on drums) were guests on the show. They were very good and when I realized I was actually enjoying the show, I figured it was time to stop watching!

By the way, the GoodLife Network is now the AmericanLife Network, which seems to be owned by the Unification Church, as of 2001. Egad.

Brian Phillips

Dear Larry,
I'm leaning towards The George Bush Picture Book Library and Petting Zoo.
Sincerely,
Shelly

The IHNMAIMS story has been removed

*** Harlan *** I'd have gotten back to you about this sooner but it got resolved as I was stepping out the door this morning and I just got back around 10PM. I sent "R:E:B:U:S" this note this morning to his MySpace account -


----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Dannelke
Date: Jan 28, 2007 10:25 AM
Hello,

This may not seem like a friendly warning - but it is. Putting the copyright notice up with Harlan's story isn't going to protect you. Someone on Harlan's board just saw this and placed the link on HIS board. Once he has some coffee in him West Coast time, I expect you may be hearing from him or his lawyers. This is exactly the sort of copyright infringement he will pursue.

If I were you I'd delete it.

Sincerely - Barney Dannelke

dannelke@gmail.com
I'm "Dannelke" on MySpace.

Within about 25 minutes I got back this;

Barney - Appreciate it. Wasn't trying to stir up anything. Just enjoyed the story, that's all. Wasn't thinking.

*********************************************************

And by the time I checked - perhaps 10:40AM it had been removed.

I didn't see your note until my return this evening. At this point I didn't see any purpose to giving out your contact information to him since he wasn't being pissy or arrogant about it. Not that that's a HUGE deal, but it seems to have gotten itself taken care of without rancor.

*******************************************************

***Keith*** No, that guy is 32 or 33 (I forget), not 10. That's just an old photo he put up. At least that's the age "he" says. It's all a guess with the net. I could be a 400 pound Asian transvestite with an eye patch and a stutter - not that there's anything "wrong" with that - for all that the internet is an indicator.

- Barney

Yellowmenace, Puh,puh, PA.

alternate ending

Harlan! Your track record for right-on book recommendations is measurable only by astrophysists like James McGaha, and he'd tell you something like, "It's fucking UP THERE, Ellison."

I just don't like alternative history. You've turned me on to Prokosch, Kersch, Simmons, and Kafka, to name but four writers I would never have picked up but for your nod. And they have written many books. I will continue to pick up any and all books you throw a keen word toward. Incidentally, I got Di Filippo's "Ribofunk" at the same time as "Lost Pages" and I'm really getting into it.

I don’t know why I don’t enjoy works of alternative history. Maybe it is because these types of works, like sequels and derivative works, are either based on characters/events created by other (more or less talented) people, or are based on real individuals/events. They are not fully realized imaginative works. Everyone already knows the characters or situations, and the writer benefits from this. Like the porn on newsgroups describing the graphic alien tentacle rapes of Agent Scully, or the wonton lesbian activity between Counselor Troy and Doctor Crusher. If the reader hadn’t seen the X-Files or TNG, these works wouldn’t be popular. Or the endless Tolkien-imitative drivel published with the same dwarves, and elves, and orcs living in a perpetual and unimaginative medieval-age.

I pause almost every time I think of little Anne Frank, and what happened to her. The evil times, the heroism of the people who sheltered her, the vile informant...and Anne, who was a much better writer at age 12 than many paid writers today. Plus I'm fascinated with the Holocaust, and Holocaust denial baffles me. I’ve read “The Chronicle of the Lodz Ghetto,” “The Holocaust Chronicle,” “That was Dachau,” (purchased AT Dachau), and I not only got "The Plot" by Will Eisner (another book recommended by YOU), which was dynamite, but a 1934 printing of "The Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion," for comparison. So maybe all that affected my attitude toward Di Filippo’s story.

Oh. I intend to finish “The Seven Who Fled,” one day, because it is some of the best writing I’ve ever come across. (In fact, it was YOU who turned me OFF of “The Seven…” because you said they all end up at the same place, and after Leyeville…sheesh! Next time I see you, remind me to smack you upside your head. Id’a finished it if it weren’t for that!)



Rob! Of course your tone came through loud and clear, and no offense was taken. I remember you and the "pack" quite well; we had a good time. Did I tell you John Picacio signed the book I bought from him and inscribed it starting with, "Dear Mr. President...", because the waiter at that not-so-good Mongolian BBQ restaurant thought my profile looked like Clinton?

Regarding IHNMAIMS on MySpace: give the kid a bit of a break. He’s something like 10. Wait till he’s 18 for the evisceration. He doesn’t understand copyright, as it’s not something 21st century parents teach their young.

yours, both of youse, in friendship,

-Keith Cramer (in no way affiliated with Michael Richards or his character).

Copyright and the web
Harlan, it pains me to disagree with you, particularly in this instance, but this stuff doesn't happen less these days. It just happens to _you_ less often. I run two areas on the web for Netscape. The Books and Writers area, unsurprisingly, sees little copyright infringement and a fierce support of creators' rights. But the Politics area is constantly battered with whole articles stuffed into messages. When we're lucky, they have credit lines. Usually, it's just straight plagiarism.

Of course, we pull them all.

Now that I've been a complete downer, here's a bit o' nice stuff. A little web project, with pictures attached to quotations by you, Borges and Amis at: http://www.uweb.ucsb.edu/~hunderwood/1.htm

And an interesting visual take on the Harlequin and the Ticktockman at http://chriscarman.blogspot.com/2006/12/repent-harlequin.html

LOL Larry. Well, it's not funny, when you think about it.

Building a library for Bush isn't any worse than building one for Nixon (yeeech, and we know what Harlan had to say about that), and presidential libraries are becoming a tradition, but I think they should wait until the honoree has been dead a while.

Hmm, maybe if the theocracy thing was more blatant instead of "creeping" people would be scared away from it.

As for speaking Britishly, years ago I watched some of Eastenders when they first showed it in the US. I will never live this down, since my parents have gotten really addicted to the thing and they blame me! They *know* it's stupid (although not stupid the way American soaps are with impossibly beautiful characters who never age past 30 even though they have grown grandchildren. ) Myself, if I get hooked I can get really hooked, but once I lose the habit of something I couldn't care less. Anyway, my father has been picking up Britishisms - he calls his cell phone a mobile, like there's mo-bile in yo liver. Like the Who song "Going Mobile" which came out long ago and has nothing to do with phones.

Kristin

Current reads: TRUE HISTORY OF THE KELLY GANG by Peter Carey, and Harlan's SPIDER KISS

Librarian-in-Chief
Much derisive comment has been made about plans to contruct a $500 million library to the greater glory of President George W. Bush. I confess that there is a certain irony in building a library to honor a president who has rarely, if ever, impressed anyone with his intellectual prowess. When it comes to back slapping, butt patting, and nicknaming, however, I'll grant you he is quite possibly without peer among chief executives.

Rather than a library--which seems laughably inappropriate--I would like to suggest to Bush partisans that they consider other means with which to express their adoration for the eldest spawn of Bar.

Considering the dissipated days of the president's wanton youth, perhaps the "George W. Bush Good Ol' Boy Neocon Saloon" would be more to the point. Or, as he is renown for his faith, the "George W. Bush Fundamentalist Church of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, Reactionary," might be just the ticket.

Yes, faith is important to the president, as is what he has called his "gut instinct." That being the case, I just hope he never makes a decision while suffering from indigestion--or perhaps he already has, judging from the quagmire in Iraq. Speaking of the latter, the announcement of the "surge" strategy is illustrative of both the presidential gut and faith working in tandem for ... what? Time will tell.

From CBSNews.com: House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, remarking on a conversation she had with President Bush: "He's tried this two times--it's failed twice," the California Democrat said, "I asked him at the White House, 'Mr. President, why do you think this time it's going to work?' And he said, 'Because I told them it had to.'"

"Because I told them it had to."

Thus inspired, our troops will surge to victory.

And we all lived happily ever after, too.

Susan is trying to teach Josh to "speak Britishly."

Her first lesson was this: try to use "wanker" in a sentence as often as possible.

I wash my hands of this. Entirely. Sodd'n wankers!

-he

THE MYSPACE MATTER:

Barney, Bob, Rudy ... hell, anyone who can get to this idiot ...

He has NOT made arrangement to use the story, not through Richard Curtis, nor me, nor ANYone.

It is a piracy.

I have already put my attorney on it. But if he wants to avoid a REAL legal action, have him get to me, and I'll take it from there.

This crap happens less and less these days, but there's always one came-late-to-the-party who simply doesn't understand copyright. That's why I'm here. To educate them. If this guy wants to get educated at a minimal cost to him, get him to me. If he blusters, I'm ready to do to him what I did to all the others ... now upwards of two hundred times ...

Wearily, but feistily, Yr. Pal, Harlan

I wouldn't want to make book on what Harlan doesn't know

Harlan knows the British accent carries over into the written word. If he sees "extra dark" on a hershey bar, he knows it was made in the USA. He knows the British would say "rather dark."

Lost Notes?
I, of course, meant LOST PAGES....

'Anne' and Mr Di Filippo
Ah.

Apologies for perplexing you, Harlan. I was just winding Keith up with my comments on his 'revelation' (we met up again at Mini-Con last year, and had a whale of a time). I started the message with a 'Hey Kosmo' - my nickname for him - and ended with a 'smiley icon', in an attempt to demonstrate to him that I was only kidding.

Having looked it over again, I can see that it may have been open to misinterpretation. Sorry....hope you took it in the spirit with which it was intended, Mr C.

And I look forward to receiving LOST NOTES toot sweet, Harlan. I've just started on TIME'S BLACK LAGOON - will let you know how I get on.

Cheers
Rob

Hell with that humble shit, I want to see Ellison on the bestseller listings, babeee. I want to see that documentary do for Harlan what Bowling For Columbine did for Mikey Moore. I want to see pigs fly and kittens sing like Sinatra. I want Britney to cover her cooch and Lindsay Lohan to quit drinking the damn mouthwash they put in her dressing room. I want love for humanity and hate for Rush, Hannity and Ann Coulter. I want universal peace and Donald Trump to get shot dead by Rosie; but she gets away with it in court, because of all those neato liberal judges the conservative fucks just hate to pieces. I want...ah, fuck, I want...Simmons is a good start.

----------

Speaking of Rush-- In the nation there is a review of several lefty books, the writer of the review makes a good point: "Rush Limbaugh is not dangerous because he is a right wing moron, he is dangerous because he is a moron. Karl Rove isn't dangerous because he is a right wing liar, he is dangerous because he is a liar." The left needs to remember that, then we might get more converts.

The Story on MySpace
In addition to the overall error of posting it in the first place, there's at least 3 others I can spot...

1. "A Short Story from Sci-Fi (sic) Author Harlan Ellison"

2. This "reprint" contains none of the symbols that appear in the story. Making it a bastardized abridged version. Not to mention the centered formatting.

3. "Reprinted with permission of, and by arrangement with, the Author and the Author's agent, Richard Curtis Associates, Inc." -- I suppose that's possible, but oh, the odds.

Presuming this was an honest mistake, this might be an opportunity to educate this guy about the aol lawsuit.

I need to go re-read the actual story now, while physically holding the actual purchased volume in my hands. Good way to spend a Sunday, anyway.

Re: Dan Simmons
It's wonderful to see Dan Simmons on the bestseller list with "The Terror". The man is a ferocious writer, simply amazing. My personal favorites from his work include the novels "Song of Kali", "The Hollow Man", and "Phases of Gravity", the "Lovedeath" collection, "Carrion Comfort", and the new novel, of course. I haven't yet read "Olympus", but it's on my list. And that first big story, "The River Styx Runs Upstream", co-winner of that Twilight Zone short story contest from eons ago, still knocks me on my ass.

A wonderful writer. Thank you, Harlan, for your helping hand in bringing him to us.

From word and image to sound and image: today, New York Times runs a fine profile if Il Maestro, Ennio Morricone.

Who will be making his American symphony debut this year, at age 78.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/01/28/arts/music/28pare.html

Can anyone here think of Howard's Conan stories without flashing on the Frazetta covers?

THAT was the perfect fusion of word and image.

As a follow-on to the dungeon crawl and Conan stories mentioned below, there is George RR Martin's "Song of Ice and Fire". Dear Jesus, please let him live long enough to finish his gorgeous sprawl of an epic. In keeping that fat Gordian knot of extended and divergent plot lines so tight, riveting and mutually relevant he creates a series that takes your breath away on craft alone.

The "I HAVE NO MOUTH..." story on MySpace
I just sent that guy a private message warning him that the copyright notice does nothing to protect him and that he might want to think about taking that down ASAP. Nothing inflammatory, pretty much just that. Gave him my name, mentioned the board here, that's about it.

- Barney

Easytofind, PA.

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=78385948

re: Simmons and bestseller status
Hey HARLAN: I saw that: first number 14 on PW and then the NYTimes, etc. Too bad his last publisher didn't give Ilium and Olympos a bigger push. They both made it onto the NYtimes "extended bestseller list" even without a good push from the publisher (and I bet the editor at that publishing house who that passed on The Terror is kicking her or himself right now). --DTS

Anne
Ya wanna know how good "Anne" is? It appeared in the first issue of SCIENCE FICTION AGE. I also had a story in that issue. Never mind which story, suffice it to say that it was a big deal for me. Once I read "Anne," however, that issue was not my brag object, but my prompt to to show off "Anne" to anybody who would sit still. It had driven me to a silent, dumbstruck shock. And forget the fact that "Anne's" identity is obvious from the first line -- the first page of the story came opposite a full-page illustration of Anne Frank as Dorothy. That was a far bigger giveaway. But the story had riches that went beyond the initial "gimmick." It needed to, to justify where it went. And it kept delivering.

Coolness for Dan Simmons.

Had to see, professionally, one of the worst movies I have ever seen in a theatre. EPIC MOVIE. My eyeballs bled.

Hey, Harlan: Judi wants to pass on her thanks for the recommendation on Sugar In the Raw. We have completely cut the blue stuff out of our diet, and continue passing on the word.

WTF?

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=42478956&blogID=218342553

Rudy

On TSR paperbacks and Two-Gun Bob.
Steve, I too remember the fun of the early Salvatore stuff. I savored Icewind Dale and the Underdark Trilogy (I think that's what it was called) with zest. To this day I've got a soft spot for the Dragonlance paperbacks by Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman. . .well, up until DRAGONS OF SUMMER FLAME. Hurgh. . .I'll never get that time back. But Dragonlance up until that point was the most fun I'd ever had reading fantasy. This was pre-Moorcock or Leiber, but there was a sense of fun to those early books--Chronicles and Legends--that really spoke to me in high school. They put me on the path, and I actually enjoyed them a lot more than I did Lord of the Rings.

Yeah that's right, I said it. You want world building on a massive and impressive scale, with intricately wrought backstory and detail? Tolkien's the innovator and originator, no doubt. You want books that'll keep you up well past bedtime flipping pages? Dragonlance. CHRONICLES and LEGENDS. Give 'em a try, or better, buy them for a youngster in your family. I heartily endorse all six books as kick ass. Also both TALES series, THE LEGEND OF HUMA by Richard A. Knaak, THE BLACK WING by Mary Kirchoff, and THE SECOND GENERATION by Weiss and Hickman. Avoid Summer Flame and what came after. Heartache will find you. You've been warned.

Kim, I love Howard's writings beyond all the telling of it. So much so I wrote in his style for a story that's to be published in THRILLING ADVENTURES, an anthology of pulp stories being produced by my friend Barry Reece. I read and pored over my copy of THE COMING OF CONAN THE CIMMERIAN to make it as authentic as I could. Mayhap you might even peruse the tome yourself and give me an opinion of my success ratio? *activates Bambi eyes*

But yeah, Howard's energy was amazing. True, the Conan stories could get a bit repetitive, and Howard was way too in love with the word 'thews', but he created a character that was far more than the monosyllabic he-man stereotype of the Schwarzenegger movies. Howard's bleak worldview gave the Conan stories a mournful undertone that a lot of people tend to miss amidst the cliches that those who followed him and attempted to 'improve' his writings and place them in some kind of rigid continuity (something Howard didn't want; he expected his Conan tales to be of a nonlinear style, as if King Conan was regaling Bob with his stories and Bob was putting pen to paper). And let's not even start on Red Sonja, no matter how beguiling Wendy Pini might have been in the mail or what cover Frank Cho might create for Mike Oeming's run. . .that way lies madness. A madness that might be easy on the eye, but you know what I'm driving at.

I'm more a Solomon Kane fan than I am of Conan, but these new editions of his unaltered work have me interested. I'm planning on picking up the Kull paperback from my local Chapters next payday.

I love talking books we find fun.

Stacy

Robert E. Howard
Robert E. Howard was sui generis. Unique, I tell you. A god. Look up storyteller and they ought to have his photo next to the definition.

Yeah, I'm slightly in love with the big lug.

I even wrote a screenplay of his life, "Warrior of Cross-Plains". I wanted to show him in a better light than the estimable "The Whole Wide World". I liked "TWWW", by the way. It's just that it's Novalyne Price's view of Howard, and thus not the whole story.

I do like Van Vogt's stories. Most of my trouble with the old stuff's style is because it's old stuff, and styles change.

Harlan, I completely forgot that you essentially gave us Dan Simmons. Dude, Just how many mitzvah's can you perform, ltterarily speaking? You got more in that bag of tricks? Oh, and please get that review published. They're already talking up "Doc Oral and his Strange John" as a Harry Potter type, which means the movie will be, no doubt, oozing onto screens shortly. We need that review out in the world to slow this juggernaut.

KOS

Stacy, funny you should mention R.A Salvatore. "The Icewind Dale" trilogy was one of the highlights of my childhood. But by the time I was twelve, I was sick and tired of the formula, and by the time I was thirteen, I had turned on him to show everyone how sophistocated I was.

Today, I cannot abide his work, or indeed anyone else in that subgenre, not even as a nostalgic exercise.

But I'm gratefull for those long action filled nights reading under the covers.


Many of the early writers were rough and unpolished. Most of them came from science rather than literary backgrounds. Despite all the hype, I could not get past the first couple chapters of "Skylark from Space". It was just simply awfull.
And Edgar Rice Bouroughs was just atrocious. He took me to some amazing places when I was young. But they say you can never go back. Last year I tried to read "Pellucidar", and it was painful.


Some of course were better than others. I think Hamilton was pretty good. And though it's crossing genres, I think Robert E. Howard was incredibly good at what he did. And he didn't live a day past thirty. It's enough to make a young man feel inadequate.

-Steve E.

In case no one happened to glom it, my boy Dan Simmons made it onto the bestseller list this week with THE TERROR.

I couldn't be more prouder than.

-he

Yowza.
HARLAN: Strong words sir. Helps me put 'Bad DC Sergeant Rock Comic in Space' in perspective. Heh, I kid, I kid. . .

I wouldn't say I'm a 'slovenly' reader per se, but I do know what I enjoy and tend to gravitate to it. Some days I'm in the mood for some Joe Landsdale or Marc Frost, others I enjoy rereading my Campell. And, yes, sometimes I enjoy reading the odd Star Wars paperback. Don't be lookin' at me like that. I may not know art, but I know. . .dude, I said stop -looking- at me like that. Sheesh.

I wouldn't go out of my way to call any writer a 'bad' writer, being a polite young non-insane Catholic boy. I will say that any work by R.A. Salvatore does tend to make me grind my teeth a little. Yes, his dark elf character seemed pretty cool. . .right up until the point I read ELRIC: SONG OF THE BLACK SWORD and realized the serial numbers on Moorcock's creation had been filed off and repackaged for the MTV generation. His Woods out Back series was so bad, so very bad, I couldn't finish the first book. I just put it down and let it gather dust.

But I digress. I just finished Palmotti and Gray's Daughters of the Dragon trade. Quite fun, if a little bit more cheesecake than I was expecting. Still, fun was had beating up Marvel villain third-stringers with cinematic kung-fu badassness, so I'm enjoying the ride. Next up, Fallen Angel volume two.

Stacy

Kim wrote: "Van Vogt was a wild dreamer, full of ideas, but the style, the characters, the dialogue are just atrocious."

I really enjoy his style, his storytelling, his dialogue, and his characters - when he wrote ISHER he was in full control of his craft and knew what he was doing. I would hate for the major Van Vogt novels to be written in compliance with modern notions of "good style". The stories either have an effect on you or not.

I am emphatically not a scholar of the history and development of science fiction and fantasy, but my reading experience suggests that van Vogt, Doc Smith, (early) Heinlein, (early) Asimov, del Rey, Silverberg, Vance and the other writers that ushered in the Golden Age were quickly and iteratively sketching out the very foundation lines of a completely new genre. Their stories were often raw, but so is child birth - and I’m not sure the two events are that far removed from one another. They are both creative in the most profound sense, and also very messy.

Within ten or fifteen years of the creation of this new genre, many of the same writers were turning out the polished master-pieces that endure to this day. I’m thinking of works like “Childhood’s End”, “The Foundation Trilogy”, Anderson’s “Broken Sword”, etc.

I still love reading Doc Smith! True, LeGuin beats him blind in the matters of style and narrative power, but she has the advantage of standing on the shoulders of those that came before.

For what it's worth, knowing the subject of "Anne" is Anne Frank actually makes me more, not less, interested in the story.

Perhaps Mr. Di Filippo posited a kinder fate for her than she experienced in our reality. I can't wait to find out.

Another line from my review of JONATHAN LIVINGSTON STRANGEGULL & MR. DOORBELL:

"To be honest, I simply cannot financially afford to continue reading Ms. Clarke's repeated attempts to club the English language into Silly Putty. The cost of Spackling Compound alone, to repair the walls whereat I flang this coprolith of rodomontade, has set fair to bankrupting me."

And that was when I was being NICE.

Yr. Pal, Harlan

Shit.

I'm an idiot.

That's "Di Filippo," not "De Filippo."

My apologies.

-he, not hi

ROB:

I'm perplexed at your comment. The value (the point? the reveal? the gimmick?) of "Anne" was no secret, was NEVER a "gotcha." Yes, it's Anne Frank. So what? Why would knowing that element--Paul De Filippo makes it obvious in the first few paragraphs--cause you to cancel your order?

"Anne" isn't an O. Henry "gotcha," twist-in-the-poisoned-tail tale, it's a fuckin heartbreaker of a "what-if" story that says more about the Human Condition and Destiny than all of the Hawthorne I've ever read.

I'm mildly saddened that Keith Cramer was disappointed in the story, as well as having lost interest in THE SEVEN WHO FLED after the Layeville section but, lo and behold, that's what we call differences of perception/opinion, etc. It just means we respond differently to different stuff. He's a smart reader, Keith is, and nowhichway one of the "slovenly readers" -- he just didn't respond to those two items as strongly as did I.

But such comments from either of us shouldn't mislead you about De Filippo, who knocks my socks off time after time after ...

Yr. Pal, Harlan

Harlan, don't post the review. Get paid for it. I'd love to read it, but that doesn't mean you gotta give it away.

Lost Pages
Hey Kosmo!

After Harlan recommended Paul Di Filippo's 'Anne' to us, I bought LOST PAGES on the net, but have yet to receive it. However, as you've hinted as to who 'Anne' is (and it's not too hard to work out now), I'll probably cancel my order.

Loose lips sink ships...... : )

Rob E.

I read books that I don't agree with because I do not believe I am wise enough as to know all the truth.

Even Socrates knew he was not that wise.

I've been re-reading the Science Fiction Hall of Fame, and am amazed at just how bad the writing is in so many of the classics. The ideas are wild and great, but so much of the writing just is kim-chi gone bad. "The Weapon Shops of Isher" that I read from that volume just yesterday for example. Van Vogt was a wild dreamer, full of ideas, but the style, the characters, the dialogue are just atrocious.

There's a category for listing: Your favorite bad writer. Many/most(?) of us have them, the scrivener who cannot type their way out of the proverbial wet paper bag but you still like their stuff.

Mine would be Edgar Rice Burroughs. An incredible storyteller trapped inside a room with flocked purple wallpaper and velvet matador paintings, lava lamp in the corner and a black light in the ceiling. But lying on the suede sofa is a half-naked martian princess with bazonga's the size of casaba's (Barsoomians must be monotremes, since they lay eggs but have breasts). Dejah Thoris alone makes the bad writing worthwhile.

Harlan: I second the notion of your posting the review here if it is possible. I also confess to being very curious now about Doc Savage and Lester Norrell. I would never have given it a moments thought until you began to tell how bad it is. Now I want to compare my taste to yours. It's like a chance to tune one's guitar to Django's; he's left it lying on the bar for a minute while he and Bijou grab a quick one on the terrace.

"like lemmings...auctorial catastrophe..." I love literary trainwrecks, we does, we does!

KOS

I'd say most Americans are slovenly readers in their inability to read into government and corporate propaganda, which rules the roost at the moment. Idealism plays a large part in this, plus an odd trust of leaders, even though in polls the masses say they do not trust leaders--so goes the art of not looking at the log in your own eye.

I've been a lazy reader, but only because the internet burns the hell out of my eyes and I cannot read whole books on this damn thing. No excuse, just giving the goat entrails to the seer.

----------

There should never be and there is no valid thing called a readers canon; read what you like, preferably stuff with a strong story and strongly written.

I usually read stuff I agree with because I already know the lies by heart; why waste my time on dumb ideas. Chomsky did teach me that. You don't see him reading Readers Digest.

-----

Chris Hitchens has a piece in Slate where he called Saddam's execution a "lynching." I tell ya, that boy does good every full moon. The bug juice must be at parade rest.

I picked up the copy of the Comic Buyer's Guide I ordered at my comic book store which included the current info about Dream Corricor plus the short article by Harlan. Very cool. I can hardly wait for the arrival of this new issue of Dream
Corridor which also sounds like the last issue to be published. I also just finished rereading my new copy of "Spider Kiss". It is still an awesome read on the 3rd or 4th time I have now read this book. Next to read "Fall of Knight" by Peter David the 3rd in his King Arthur series. Will "Fingertips in the Sky", which is currently posted in amazon.com as being released on 4/30/2007, be the next new release on the horizon for us Ellison afficianados? Inquiring minds would like to know. Thank you.
Roger

Humble Correction
Anne was at Bergen-Belsen. I'm going to Bergen-Belsen in rememberance. I'm going to Auschwicz-Birkenau to see the gas chambers. Not on the same trip. There's only so much I can take.

-Keith

Regarding JONATHAN STRANGE & MR. NORRELL: I couldn't finish it. Even more than the egregrious prose Harlan mentions, there seemed to be no point to the entire thing.

Unfortunately, I also had to give up on Cormac McCarthy's THE ROAD when it became apparent there was no story and precious little characterization. I'm amazed how many good reviews it's getting. Did anyone else find it an absolute chore to plow through?

the 3 R's: reading, reading and reading
Just finished "Missing Mom," by Joyce Carol Oates. I liked it so much shortly after I began reading it, I bought a copy for my sister, and she enjoyed it, too. Great book. She's an amazing writer.

Harlan has recommended "The Seven Who Fled," by Frederic Prokosch, and I tried to read it. Got through the Leyeville section, and lost steam. Wonderful, beautiful writing. Depressing end of the section. It stopped me cold.

HOWEVER, "The Asiatics" by Prokosch took me about a year to read, and I devoured every bit of it, and wanted more. One of the best books I've ever read. Took a long time to get through it because, sadly, I am a Man of Small Brain, as my hero, Winnie the Pooh, would say. Prokosch writes with such an eye for descriptive detail I would literally gape at the page, drool pooling at my lower lip; and I found myself re-reading most sections again and again to discover more little details. I even read parts of it out loud to my girlfriend, because the book begged me to.

I also just got "Lost Pages" by Paul Di Filippo, and read "Anne" which Harlan recently recommended here with such brio, and was disappointed. Also read a few other stories. Also not to my taste. I don't know...maybe alternate reality isn't my bag. I didn't need my memory of Anne corrupted that way. I'm going to The Netherlands this year, and I intend to visit the museum in Amsterdam. Next time I'm in Germany, probably next year, I'm going to pay my respects at Auschwitz-Birkenau.

-Keith

reading habits

:: Next on the list is Mikhail Bulgakov 'The Master & Margarita'.

Oboy, are you in for a treat! One of a very few books I've read more than twice (and there haven't been all that many more I've read more than once).

Make sure you have one of the recent translations, and not either of the two older ones -- the adequate Mirra Ginsburg or the inferior Michael Glenny.

John Greenawalt asked about "slovenly reading." I couldn't find the original reference, so I'm not sure what somebody else might have meant by it, but to me, slovenly reading means:

-- reading something only because lots of other folks are reading it
-- never investigating multiple sources of information on/reviews of new books
-- only reading books whose viewpoints you find agreeable
-- never taking any notes or discussing the content of the books you read with other people
-- reading only "page turners," rather than difficult books in the genres you love

HARLAN:

Is there anything preventing you from posting the entire Strange Norrell review here on Webderland? Or are you still looking for a professional outlet for the piece? I've been enjoying the passages you've shared so far . . . although a full-on slam might make me slightly MORE likely to read the book than the fitful urges I've had so far, just to see how closely my own judgments match yours.

My fiction reading has gone downhill considerably over the years. The last recently published book I read was Theodore Roszack's Flickers. Think thats bad, there's a personally signed hardback of Umberto Eco's "The Island of the Day Before" which is still unread 11 years after meeting the author.

Memorable reads from last year for me were Andres Malraux 'Man's Fate' (it was reccomended to me by one of Bertolucci's collaborators), re-reading a lot of Dostovesky and find myself flicking through Moby Dick and The Mysterious Stranger during quiet moments.

Next on the list is Mikhail Bulgakov 'The Master & Margarita'. My fiction reccomendation to folks in 2006 consisted of Vladimir Nabokov's 'Pale Fire' and 'The Essential Ellison'. This year I'm going to have to read a book about Glass dream eaters which a friend wrote.

My non-fiction reading shelf though keeps piling up with texts. That has to be remedied.

FAQ

Slovenly reading...How do I know if I'm doing it if I don't know what it is?

STACY: Save yourself a headache and a horrendous schlep up a molehill of bathetic prose: shun DR. STRANGE & MR. NORRELL as if it came with a tsunami warning.

(Yes, I know it's JONATHAN, not DR., but you heave insults your way, and I'll heave them in mine.)

Another line from my review, the one the LA Times wouldn't run:

"The multisyllabic words of this wretched excess of a novel do not so much 'leap off the page' as they hurl themselves in suicidal lemminglike frenzy to absent themselves from the scene of an auctorial disaster."

(And even THAT wasn't as nasty as I got.)

Wishing you well, I remain, Yr. Pal, Harlan

KEVIN AVERY: Sorry, no.

-he

birthdays
happy 102nd birthday tomorrow to great character actor charles lane and 50th to my sister, genius architect and kidney transplant recipient, mariellyn zeock ( 6 years and counting-knock yggdrassill).

Fashionably late to the party.
Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrel is one of those books that people keep telling me I 'have' to read, which only makes me dig my heels in further in my desire to remain rebel and underground even as I chug into my early thirties. I'm sure I'll get to it and be blown away, much as I am right now with Heinlein's Glory Road, or the Harry Potter books. What can I say, I'm just naturally finicky.

Seems these days that time moves so frickin' fast I can barely keep up with the growing stack that is my read pile now. I've got Glory Road, then Gaiman's American Gods to get through for my book club, then I'll launch into Wylie's Gladiator (a book I've been meaning to read for a while but only just managed to snag a copy), and then--finally!--I'll launch into Paul Malmont's The Chinatown Death Cloud Peril, which I've been dying to read but have sworn to get through my other obligations first. It's killing me though, the title alone keeps drawing me in like moth to flame. Must. . .resist!

And that's not even counting the trade paperbacks I've gotten lately; the Busiek/Johns collaboration on Superman: Up, Up, and Away, Justin Gray and Jimmy Palmotti on Daughters of the Dragon, and Peter David's second Fallen Angel trade from DC Comics.

I think it might be in all our best interests to just schedule a mass read-in. No press, no fanfare, we all just pick a spot and a chunk of days and just all congregate for a couple days and read. Who's with me?

Stacy

Lumleyishness
How appropriate that my worst book ever finished is by someone with whom Harlan has a "history". At least I surmise as much from Adam-Troy Castro's remarks on Lumley below.

I did not know Harlan had minimal awareness of Lumley's existence. Silly me, thinking/hoping Lumley is/was but a rather minor bad writer, one of the many that DAW and LASER uncovered in the seventies (actually LASER uncovered more good writers than bad, like Tim Powers, but that's another story).

I second that emotion about a collection of Harlan's literary criticism and/or reviews. I add a desire to see his collected music criticism. I still recall a lovely 1976 edition of, IIRC, DeLaps Science Fiction Review that had a cover story titled "The Sounds of Science Fiction" with Harlan pictured on the cover. HE had a review therein of the firstAlan Parson's Project album "Tales of Mysery and Imagination" which prompted me to obtain said vinyl immediately. "Tales etc" is right up there with "Dark Side of the Moon" as one of the most jaw-dropping aural experiences I've ever had on first listening.

What can you say about a man who provides you with the reading experience of a lifetime in DV, then the listening experience of a lifetime by recc'ing a composition, then provides you with the "performance" experience of a lifetime by sitting in a plastic pyramid in a Phoenix hotel for the best part of a week in summer cracking jokes, singing Broadway tunes and smoothly flirting with every woman that passed by while also writing and taping to the wall a short story that made you despair of ever being more than a typing gorilla when compared to the best you could write? Oh, and then he writes "Paladin of the Lost Hour" and gives you the dramatic experience of a lifetime? Shit, man, stop already, you're KILLING me! What's left, culinary? Sexual? Religous? Does Harlan cook a mean ratatouille? I don't want to go there!

What can one say, except "thank you, fellow (relatively) hairless bipedal ape person". Thank you.

Do check out "The Aristocrats" for a great analysis of what a joke is, why we laugh, and why numour is best when leavened with darkness.

KOS

Paul Nelson
Harlan, I'm editing/writing a book (anthology/biography) about the critic Paul Nelson, who (with Jon Pankake) published THE LITTLE SANDY REVIEW in the early Sixties, then edited SING OUT! up until Dylan went electric; from there he went on to become an editor at ROLLING STONE. I was curious if you and he ever crossed paths during your New York Days.

Lamented Out of Print books
Lamented OOP books: it wasn't a classic, and might've been written under a pseudonym, but one of the books (with missing covers) that I fished out of a box brought home and tossed to me by a parent was a hard-boiled/softcore novel titled (I think) LOOKING FOR MR. BIG (this was years before "Sex in the City"). It had some REALLY funny sex scenes (swear to Allah, or whoever's in charge). And any guy who can write a line like, "...she lost her fetch and I lost my letch..." is okay by me.
--DTS

I am convinced that if there is a Hell, Harlan will find himself down there, tied with flaming ropes to his precious CHAIR, and forced to FINALLY tell all his belated "stories for another time" at pitchfork point!!

Seats will fill up early!! Can't wait!!

Secret Society 'Secret Help'
Secret Society "Secret Help" http://www.secrethelp.org

Hellboy
Harlan,

As a del Toro aficionado, what was your feeling on "Hellboy"?

I am surprised no one has mentioned "Mom", which is my favorite funny story of Harlan's (although my own Jewish mother did not find it so amusing when I read it to her).

Not to belabor the point on Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell, but reading it was a profoundly frustrating experience, primarily because I thought there were some great ideas buried in there. I did eventually finish the book but could not bring myself to do the review of it that I had promised because I found the experience of reading it so draining I did not wish to relive it.

Will Volume 3 of On the Road be available through HERC or solely through Deep Shag?

Oy, Gott In Himmel
Oy, the Brian Lumley story. Assuming it's the same Harlan / Lumley story that rendered my own life a misery for weeks on end (several well-known figures accused me of giving Lumley a heart attack, Lumley called me a dangerous man, Billie Sue Mosiman called me evil, I was told by one editor that my career was over, and I had to publicly disavow any personal responsibility for the ventricles of others)...oy. Just Oy. I wince in both memory and apprehension.

JONATHAN STRANGE AND MR NORRELL was a chore, and as I said, I stubbornly persisted with it hundreds of pages after I realized that I wasn't having any fun.

Twitter?

As opposed to

chatter, cheep, chirrup, chuck, churr, coo, cry, hoot, pipe, squeak, tweet?

Can such things be?

The greatest novel of all time was censored?

In 1934, the U.S. Supreme Court lifted the ban upon importing James Joyce's master novel "ULYSSES" into the country.

(Not So) Intellectual Tourette's
In what might be a prime example of how my mind works pre-caffeine, I offer the below nonsensical observations:

1) re: Brian's suggestions and other assorted cd/film/book/chair-related projects, I'd like to suggest the new sobriquet "GRAND MASTER OF ALL MEDIA" for Unca Harlan.

2) Harlan mentioned one of my fave short stories yestiddy, "Erotophobia". Last evening, whilst reading my book-o-the-week, it occurred to me that it needs to be illustrated by Ralph Steadman. I'd pay good money for that.

(At least before my first cuppa coffee.)

Thank you for your time and attention.

Well, there's a nice job for a well-intended anthologist: a collection of Harlan's _literary criticism_. We've had two anthologies of television criticism, a volume of film criticism, and several books of personal essays. There are occasional bits of journalism (the Selma march piece, the profiles of Steve McQueen and Peter Boyle).

I can think of pieces where Harlan writes about the written works of others. In that Andy Porter collection, there are discussions of Frank Herbert's _Under Pressure_ and Anne McAffreu's Dragonrider books. There may even be a good account of Harlan's work in writing workshops, like Clarion.

This might make for a good collection. Assemble Harlan's better book reviews, include a good, detailed account of a Clarion workshop, maybe interview Harlan on his work as an editor at Lion books or _Rogue_...


Oh, by the way, I caught Mike Judge's _Idiocracy_ last night. It's nowhere near as good as _Office Space_, and could have used a better story, but it's worth spending an hour and a half on.

Thank you, Harlan. Even though I have a shelf full of books on grammar, I still sometimes misuse "lie" and "lay."

recordings and books

SOMEBODY wrote:

: The next ON THE ROAD (volume 3) CD will soon be going to press. I think
: you will find this one a killer, better than the other two combined. Tuesday,
: I wrote a new essay to go with it. I think you will find this new essay a killer.

Oboy oboy oboy! I always thought recordings of HE live would be a cheap and almost endless source of material and potential income for the author, but we sure had to wait a lot of years before the promise contained in that "Volume 1" on the cover of the 1983 HERC LP was finally made good.

I'm really looking forward to Volume 3.

I also wanted to say something about _Fahrenheit 451_. Though it is not my favorite Bradbury book -- may not even be in the top 3 -- I do own more copies of it than almost anything else, because I like to collect a couple familiar books in foreign languages as souvenirs when I travel. So I have Greek and Estonian editions! You can see their cover art and read about my other oddities from overseas here:

http://www.david-loftus.com/Travel/foreignbks.html

REPLIES

1. DEATHBIRD STORIES is hardly "out of print." It is readily available from the SF Book Club in its "classics" series, is in fact selling very well, is a very pretty book ... BUT ... ALSO ... this inexpensive version from SFBC will be accompanied into print a little later this year by a luxurious 30-something-year Anniversary Edition with new material and a new, special, Tom Kidd cover painting, from Subterranean Press. Let Bill Schaffer know you want this book; it will go fast.

2. DANGEROUS VISIONS was in print (yes, it had 3 different cover editions) just a year or two ago. Yes, it was from iBooks. Three trade paperback versions, and a hardcover version. Yes, iBooks went bankrupt last year and, yes, all the remaining copies of DV were hijacked, sold secretly by the late Byron Preiss to Wal-Mart or somesuch schlockhouse as Byron needed money to stay afloat, and I had to take action against him before his untimely demise, to try and get back what was owed me (as is the case with hundreds, literally hundreds, of OTHER writers Byron stiffed before the jitney bus slammed him, but that's another story for another time, and his wife already calls me a sonofabitch because I had the audacity to go after Byron for the 85-plus grand he owed me for selling I,ROBOT for gang-packaging with that awful Will Smith movie via Costco, a year before his death)(but THAT is yet ANOTHER horror story, for yet ANOTHER time), and I'll let other professionals tell you about all that, onaccounta even though Byron and I were friends since he was fifteen years old he finally got around to screwing me, too, and I'm a sonofabitch bastard as Byron's wife will tell anyone who mentions my name, because I'm not allowed to speak ill of the dead.

3. I am a funny guy. Dozens of my stories--as thankyouverymuch some of you kindly attempted to enlighten the visitor who done tripped over his own ignorance--were written to be funny. Many might not find them to be so, but "Send Not To Know For Whom the Lettuce Wilts" and "Goodbye to All That" and "The Voice in the Garden" and "If This Be Utopia..." and "The Crackpots" and "Keyboard" and "Erotophobia" and "Ecowareness" and fistfuls of others are f-u-n-n-y stories. KeeFUCKINryste already!

4. I am improperly and meanspiritedly overjoyed that so many of you detest Brian Lumley's books. Not now, not now: another horror story, for another time. As for that slab of lox over which every parvenu salivated, JONATHAN STRANGE & MR. NORRELL, the review I was commissioned to write for the LA Times Book Review was so rabid, they refused to print it. Some day I'll post a few excerpts from it, such as: "Ms. Clarke never met a subjunctive clause whose child she didn't wish to have." (And that was about as NICE as I got.)

5. John Thompson, Jr.: it's "lie" dormant, not "lay" dormant, as you posted it.

6. The Chair IS coming. No, The Chair is not a story. It is a (wait for it) chair. Duhh.

7. Once the air clear around here, I need to ask those of you in the Flying Blue Monkey Squadron From Hell for something out of the ordinary. Remind me. The code-letters are CC.

8. Josh promises to stop by with his laptop, to record the snippet of music on that mystery disc, so y'all can actually hear it, and maybe be of some help in identifying it.

9. The next ON THE ROAD (volume 3) CD will soon be going to press. I think you will find this one a killer, better than the other two combined. Tuesday, I wrote a new essay to go with it. I think you will find this new essay a killer.

10. If, at this juncture, I haven't answered some random idle question one of you has twittered abroad, such as what is my favorite out of print book -- Eugene Sue's THE WANDERING JEW and MYSTERIES OF PARIS -- not to mention the three Frank McAuliffe pbs from Ballantine -- well, bite the dum-dum, Dum-Dum: I ain't gonna.

Snarkily thine, Yr. Pal, Harlan

Deathbird Stories will be in print again. It's too good to lay dormant for long.

Sadly Out Of Print
I believe the "Dangerous Visions" anthology is currently in print, from ibooks Inc., in a 35th Anniversary Edition. I want to say it was released in paperback with three different covers, but I'm not sure, as I only own one.

Among my own favorite out of print books are, from our Patron Author, the collections "Shatterday", "Stalking the Nightmare", and "No Doors, No Windows", along with "A Silver Thread of Madness" by Jessica Amanda Salmonson, "Doctor Rat" by William Kotzwinkle, "The Brains of Rats" by Michael Blumlein, "Falling Angel" by William Hjortsberg, "Particle Theory" by Edward Bryant and "The Best of Barry N. Malzberg" by Mr. Malzberg himself. "By Bizarre Hands", by proud Texan Joe R. Lansdale, should probably appear in there, as well as all of his "Hap and Leonard" novels.

Tim
http://timcasewalker.livejournal.com/

I had a similar experience with Deathbird Stories. I HAVE copies, but thought it would be nice to purchase a new one. This was last summer when I was reading my way back through all of Harlan's collections. It irked me that there WAS no current edition available of one of the most important short story collections in or out of genre.

To illustrate Barney's point, "Deathbird Stories" is out of print.

I discovered that when I dropped my 1983 version in the tub during a bout with the flu. Went for a new copy, never even CROSSED MY MIND that it would be impossible to buy new. But there wasn't a copy to be found outside of used book stores.

reply to kos
kos- i had the same bradbury book back in the day. the artist you are thinking of as will eisner was jack davis. the great out of print book is tomato cain by nigel kneale-short stories that will change your eye color. as always, i remain, obediently yours.

Mark, why do you think Lumley doesn't have any blurbs at the end or anywhere on his books? The guy is a hack and seems to hate woman. Good that he can't get a best seller, but I'm sure he makes a bit of a living; better then me, at least.

The fucks take the jam and leave you with the peanut butter.

----------

Those Who Trespass, by Bill O'Reilly is the worst book ever. They guy is a grunt away from a trapdoor keeper.

Paul Di Filippo story online to read
There's an authorized online publication of a Paul Di Filippo story, "Wikiworld" at the following URL:

www.pyrsf.com/chapters/WikiWorld.htm

Fave OOP book Dep't:

"Tomorrow Midnight", a Ballantine PB reprinting of a handful of 1950s EC comic adaptations of Ray Bradbury stories. This one went out of print like five minutes after it was pubbed in like 1966. I snapped it up at a high school library paperback book sale in either 1966 or 1967, when it was new. The art is b&w, and stunning. Not being an expert in comic art, I don't know the rep of the people who drew them, but I am sure they msut be famous and well known. Without checking to be sure, I suspect Will Eisner may have been one of the artists. Eisner drew a series of maintenance manual comics for the Army that I used to read in the motor pool when they sent me down there to keep me from pissing off the Green Beret' on the other side of our office by using their typewriters to write SF stories (they had the only big manual typewiters in the Interrogation Section where I worked as an interrogator, and they were mightily offended from time to time at my literary pretensions. Their machines were these gigantic, steel suckers, probably Olympia, and weighed at least 40 pounds. I am certain they were from the forties, and they moved like greased lightning when you got a certain rhythym going. It was like screwing an experienced hooker while on speed, you just moved, tripped, booked and laid down your best).

But of course the best OOP book is "Dangerous Visions". At least I think it is again OOP?

And why has there never been a TV series "Dangerous Visions"? If I ever make a zillion bux on a script, I will move heaven and earth to get one done. Assuming I could get the rights, of course.

Does anyone here know anything about the Monteiro-Rose Agency in "The Valley"?

The late Mike Hodel liked to recommend "Bleeding Stones" to those in search of Harlan humor. ("If you have a really sick sense of humor.")

OOP


Great out-of-print books is a terrific thread. Several of my nearly favorite books are out of print.

1. Not Wanted on the Voyage, by Timothy Findley -- an astounding piece of imaginative fiction I recommend to everyone; a retelling of the Noah story, in which Noah is a flaming asshole, obssessed with God's law; God is determined to commit suicide; Mrs. Noah is the alcoholic heroine; God's bright and fallen angel Lucifer senses something BIG is up, and becomes a beautiful young woman who marries Ham in order to make the trip on the ark; etc., etc.

2. Fisher's Hornpipe, by Todd McEwen -- one of the funniest books I've ever read, especially if you've lived in Boston; my favorite scene is the one with Allison, the preppy princess who can't orgasm unless her partner holds up a red pen and scolds her for turning in a paper on "Wuthering Heights" two weeks late

3. Pontius Pilate, by Roger Caillois -- a slim, simple novel that I was directed toward by Luis Bunuel's autobiography, My Last Sigh, and took forever to find; a retelling of the climactic story in which Pilate spends a sleepless night trying to make a decision with all the pressures on him from Rome, the Sanhedrin, etc., and recognizes that Jesus is a harmless crank and sets him free, so the Christ lives to a ripe old age among friends and dies forgotten

How to write a horror story

"The Man and the Snake," by Ambrose Bierce is a unique curiosity because (not to give away the plot) the whole scenario takes place in the mind of the main character. He goes up to leave his suitcase in the guest room and he never comes back down again.

Thanks Steve Barber for the reminder that if reading is not important to the old folk it ain't gonna be important to the youngans either.

Out of print? OUT OF PRINT?

How about the most of the work of the the Strugatsky Brothers, Boris & Arkady?

ROADSIDE PICNIC is OOP.
HARD TO BE A GOD is OOP.
DEFINITELY MAYBE is OOP.

There is a trade edition of FAR RAINBOW but how long until it is OOP?

And when is NESFA or NightShade or somebody going to reprint those Edmond Hamilton CAPTAIN FUTURE books? Completely wacky but lotsa fun.

Goofy Question #112 regarding DREAM CORRIDOR
Hey HARLAN: This is probably a stupid question, but have you ever considered gathering the rest of the illustrated stories from THE ILLUSTRATED HARLAN ELLISON (wasn't "Rock God" included in that?) as well as "strays" like "From A to Z in the Chocolate Alphabet" and "Crazy As a Soup Sandwich" (which has some of my favorite Neal Adams work) and publishing them as a Dream Corridor collection?

yrs in endless, annoying questions,
Dorman (hi, Susan)

Another for Ellison Humor List
Laugh Track

Jason - I do the same thing, not only with "The Howling Man", but also with the earlier Bantam "Best of Beaumont". I've never gotten an "I didn't care for it" in return. Quite the contrary: there's been genuine disappointment that there isn't more.

He was a dynamite writer and an amazing storyteller. I'll keep spreading his gospel until the books run out.

Not sure if this qualifies, exactly, for the topic at large, but my favorite out-of-print item isn't a single book, but a collection of works that are -- for the most part -- still available.

I write of THE FAMILY MARK TWAIN, a four book compendium containing nearly all of his best works. It was published some time in the 1930s (and, I gather, again in 1989 and 1992). Handed down to me by my grandparents, this collection introduced me to Twain's work, and was a major contributor to the love of books I developed shortly thereafter. I found out, later on, that the books had been originally purchased when my father was an infant, as a keepsake for when he grew old enough to read -- an event that started him on HIS lifelong love of reading.

There's a sentimental side, yes, but this edition holds a very special place on my bookshelf -- and it's most definitely "out of print".
________________________________________

"A singed, slightly damp first edition FAHRENHEIT 451 was the only book to survive the event."

Oh, that's goooooood.

Out of print...more's the pity
I second Barney's outrage at the inavailability of Charles Beaumont's glorious ouvre. Whenever I spot a mass market of THE HOWLING MAN in a shop, I snatch it up to share with friends who've never had the pleasure or know the man only from THE TWILIGHT ZONE.

I'll also add Gerald Kersh (thanks for the anthology, Harlan!) to the list of MIA authors at B&N, Borders, et al. I dimly remember a reprint of NIGHT AND THE CITY coming and going while I toiled in the Bestseller mines of Borders as a book slave, but it's only through the advent of eBay (and the TCU library) that I was able to procure/read much of his output.

Barney wrote:
** When I was younger I honestly thought the "enemy" was going to be some form of the FIREMEN from Bradbury's FAHRENHEIT 451. Now I know the "enemy" is cultural amnesia. The signal to noise ratio in books is now insane. The crap drowns out the good stuff and the good stuff often drowns out the great stuff. **

The expected horrors of FAHRENHEIT 451 aside, it is a book near and dear to my husband's heart for another reason. A house fire going on 13 years ago devoured an excruciating chunk of his family's life in the way only an elemental tantrum can. Out of deference to Mr. Ellison and those sensitive collectors in the weberland audience, I won't go into detail about the COLLECTIONS OF COLLECTIONS that were lost in just under five minutes (first press jazz vinyls screamed as they bubbled away). His parents bought the house nine years before he was born, and he was 24 when his life burned down around his ears. Yeah, it hurt and I can attest that smell is the sense most closely linked to memory, but I assure you there is a form of humor even darker than ultra-violent...

There's charred humor.

A singed, slightly damp first edition FAHRENHEIT 451 was the only book to survive the event.


Sandra

*** worst book ever finished *** Man, that's a tough one. I've started thousands and tossed them aside without a backward glance. Life is too short and the nightstand pile is bottomless. I suppose HORSE'S NECK by Pete Townsend would be one. ATLAS SHRUGGED would be another. By itself, perhaps not a horrible book but since I'd read three others by her in the same year this was just flogging the dead. But I suppose the one that still bugs me is the novel NIGHTFALL by Asimov and Silverberg. It got mixed, but not terrible reviews and yet... well, although I've enjoyed dozens of books by both of these authors I thought this one particular novel was, umm, really bad. There may have been extenuating circumstances. I sort of hope there were, but when you're trapped inside something like that you don't much care.

And honorable mention to Dave Sim's CEREBUS for taking two decades to take me somewhere I really didn't want to go as it turned out, and leaving far too many loose ends. My problem here was not always content. The real sin to my mind was one of pacing, which was nothing short of maddening if you supported him monthly, as I did.

Please don't take from these unkind words that I dislike any of these authors/artists. They have all done FINE works. These were just frustrating readings *for me*.

*** Out of print *** At 22,000 books and counting in my own home, there are far too many to mention. Harlan said to me in the 1980's "Everybody is ALWAYS out of print!" At the time I didn't fully grok what he was saying but it's true. Unless you are right up there at the Stephen King industrial level you're out of print. Fredric Brown, Charles Beaumont, Shirley Jackson, Pablo Neruda, Joe Gores, Owl Goingback, Robertson Davies, H. Rider Haggard, Rudyard Kipling, Mark Twain, etc. Damn near everyone I can think of is either not in print or there are serious lapses within the body of that author's ouvre that are at least temporarily not available.

When I was younger I honestly thought the "enemy" was going to be some form of the FIREMEN from Bradbury's FAHRENHEIT 451. Now I know the "enemy" is cultural amnesia. The signal to noise ratio in books is now insane. The crap drowns out the good stuff and the good stuff often drowns out the great stuff.

Usually it gets sorted out but James M. Cain and Jim Thompson were close calls. As were Howard and Lovecraft before them. But it's a tough fight and few of these decisions are unanimous or uncontested. And meanwhile, EVERYONE is out of print!

Harlan's right, once again.

- Barney

various topics...a delurk
I worked for some years full time with a keyboard, and most of the people in our office had some wrist problems. I think the main reason I didn't was my fidgetiness and the very over-energetic nervous intensity that made me a hyper-fast worker (but sometimes made others nervous.) Of course I eventually burned out, but whatever issues I have with work at least it isn't carpal tunnel!

what exactly is the basis of how those copper bracelet things work??? is there any scientific proof?

Hmm, Lee, it's hard to divide Harlan's stories (or a lot of others for that matter) into comic or tragic, because a lot of humor is basically dark. "Repent Harlequin" doesn't exactly have a happy ending (at least not for the protagonist!)
"The Man who was Heavily Into Revenge" is a case study in emotional/physical destruction. (of course, destructive acts can be really funny.) The funniest Harlan works are those made for reading out loud, such as "Prince Myshkin." Has "The 3 Most Important Things in Life" ever been recorded??? It's one (no, three) of those stories that HAVE to be told out loud!!!!

which reminds me of Minicon and the fact I will regret for the rest of my life not having arrived an hour earlier - there was so much of HE's talk i didn't catch! btw, anybody going to THIS year's minicon? They've got Charles de Lint for author and Charles Vess for artist - sounds really cool; I have read a lot of de Lint and find his work fascinating.

Besides, both minicon and me are 42. LOL The Answer!

Kristin
but I just bought a new bike for about $900 on sale THEN i got the mailing from minicon...and one from the last MD i went to about 'it's time for your next physical' but she doesn't take the kind of insurance I can get, and my car is approaching the 60,000 mile mark...

Out of print books, huh?
Are we including Harlan's? A lot of his work is out of print, heaven knows. Can we just take it as given that we all want it all, every last tome, possibly in each separate edition? No? Well, then let's start with MEMOS FROM PURGATORY. I love that book, and wish I could get a hardcover copy. My old Powell edition is close to 40 years old now, and it shows.

Next, THE HORSE IS DEAD by Robert Klane. One of the sickest, funniest books I've ever read. I actually own a first edition hardcover of it. It's worth several hundred dollars, so I never take it off the shelf. Instead, when I want to dip into it, I pull out the paperback copy...which is worth a mere hundred.

Lessee...is Philip Wylie's GENERATION OF VIPERS in print these days? A wonderful polemic, very Harlanesque in its humor and ferocity. I have the annotated edition from the 1950s, and I know it was in print in paperback in the '60s.

A SPECTRE IS HAUNTING TEXAS by Fritz Leiber--one of his least reprinted classics. There was a lovely Walker edition with a terrific Gaughin illustration on the cover. I have the SFBC edition, but I'd never trade it for the over-the-counter edition, because I got mine signed, dated and personalized by Leiber at St. Louiscon in 1969.

FOURTH MANSIONS by R. A. Lafferty. It's his best book. Yes, I know the competition there is stiff. But it is. A marvelous paranoid journey through the mythology of the 1960s.

A Gnome Press two-fer by Lewis Padgett (Henry Kuttner)-- TOMORROW AND TOMORROW and THE FAIRY CHESSMEN. Very little of Kuttner's prodigious output is in print today, alas.

Okay, someone else's turn to bore everybody now.

Bemused
Ummm, yeah, Sheryl, that's my book. Have we met?

John,

Harlan's work is often humorous.

Never, though, without nipping at the naughty bits.

Some of my favorite (more or less) humorous works:

"Prince Myshkin and Hold the Mustard"
"Santa Claus vs. S.P.I.D.E.R."
"Would You Do It For a Penny?" (collaboration)
"The Pityll Pawob Division"
"I'm Looking for Kadak"
"'Repent, Harlquin', Said the Ticktock Man"
"!!!THE!!TEDDY!CRAZY!!SHOW!!!"
"Tiny Ally"
"Erotophobia"
"Ecowareness"
"Gnomebody"
"The Man Who Was Heavily Into Revenge"

and of course, the inimitable

"How's the Night Life on Cissalda?"

There's probably a bunch more, but this'll get you started.

Adam Troy-Castro, professional writer
De-lurking with question for ATC: Are you the one and only?

Because if you are, then I will buy My Ox Is Broken! from Amazon for full price, so you get paid the whole of whatever pittance of a royalty your publisher will owe you.

If someone is masquerading as you, then I will buy from the secondary market much cheaper.

I would not say it is the worst book I have ever read, but I would agree with Adam-Troy's assertion that Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell was a damn difficult book to get through. Very intriguing story, but the level of detail was daunting.

Probably the worst book I have read is Necroscope by Brian Lumley, which I read over a decade ago, but it still haunts me. Someone who knows I am a Lovecraft fanatic gave it to me. I was appalled. Not just because he took snippets of ideas and themes from Lovecraft and turned it into some of the most misogynistic, violent crap I have ever seen, but because the story and the dialogue were so juvenile it was almost laughable.

Insert Standard Disclaimer From Non-Standard Poster Here
Re: carpal tunnel/arthritis/tendonitis/general arm problems.

Copper bracelet. Since I type on computer keyboards left-handed, and have done so for mumblety-mumble years now, I've had on-again/off-again problems with the dread carpal tunnel inflammation (runs in my family, along with several strains of arthritis).

The only times I have found myself symptom-free (other than the times I have been AFK (away from keyboard) is when I consistently wear a copper bracelet. If you want to save a buck (or fourteen), stay away from the overpriced ones that sell specifically for arthritis or medical benefit. As long as it's real copper, you may notice a difference, as long as you wear it continually.

Your skin might initially turn green wherever the bracelet touches, but once the problem clears up, so will the greenery. If your problem comes back, due to exertion/injury/strain/overuse, the green might come back (I wear mine halfway up my arm, towards my elbow anyway, since that's where most of my problems begin), but the green should go away when the problem subsides. You might not even have symptoms, just a green strip where the bracelet touches. That has been my experience, at least.

Also important to note that I am so NOT one of those yippie pill-popping yogurt-swilling vegan breatharian health food faddists, so if I'm rec'ing an "alternative" theory, it's because it works for me. Normally I'm all Penn and Teller up on the "Wheatgrass will Save The World!" birkenstock-wearing placard-waving PETA folks.

Repeat disclaimers here, FWIW, YMMV, etc., ad barfeum.....

-V

PS - Department of a Day Late and a Dollar Short Department: I echo the praises of From Hell, and endorse a careful reading of same. The movie is actually not bad, but as always, the book is better.

Harlan's Humor
There certainly is humor in Harlan's fiction. Offhand, "From A to Z, in the Chocolate Alphabet" and "Mom" come to mind. There are also some comic scenes in "Repent, Harlequin! Said the Ticktockman." Though it's not fiction, the introduction to "Edgeworks 3" is a hoot. "If Helen Keller falls in the forest, is there a sound?" Now THAT'S funny!

Mrs E.
Susan (& Harlan) - just realised, during my six-month absence from the site, that I missed your 20th wedding anniversary. Many apologies - hope you celebrated in style.

Susan - I was so sorry to hear about your dad. I think I met him at the B5 Wrap Party, along with the rest of your family. He certainly seemed very proud of both you and his transatlantic son-in-law. My thoughts are with you both at this time.

And thank you for thanking me for your UK magazines (you'll find a few more are on their way to you that cover the Xmas season - I trust they'll find favour with you as well).

Have a good 2007!

thanks
Rob

My Favorite Out of Print Books
I am a used bookstore junkie, and have scoured many a stack for those hard-to-find gems. My faves probably have to be my collection of Cyril M. Kornbluth. I have his short story collections A Mile Beyond the Moon and The Marching Morons, Gladiator at Law, Gunner Cade (with Judith Merrill), his and Pohl's excellent The Space Merchants (though you can still find that one in print), and Wolfbane.

Favorite Out of Print Books?
I have several.

The Science Fiction Hall of Fame, Vols. IIa, IIb, III, IV. These are the Avon paperbacks, edited by Silverberg, Bova, Clarke, Proctor and Carr, that collect the "best" pre-Nebula stories and novellas, and in Vols. III (my favorite) and IV, showcase the Nebula winning tales of the first 10 years of the Awards' existence. It took me 5 years of rifling through used book stores to find all of them (this was prior to my internet days). Since then, I believe Volume I has been re-issued as a hardcover, but I've yet to see the others find their way back into print, and that's a damn shame (if I'm mistaken about their current in print status, please correct me).

There's also a wonderful book by Joe Adamson entitled "Groucho, Harpo, Chico and Sometimes Zeppo: A Celebration of the Marx Brothers" that hasn't seen a new printing press since the mid-70's. His analysis of "Duck Soup" is especially brilliant.

What are the crown jewels of your out of print collections?

All I gotta say this a.m. is

Right on...JIM WEBB.

lists, late
Five for dinner:
Bilbo Baggins ( I'm a nervous host, and think he'd help put me at ease )
Ishmael ( from Moby Dick. always dug the guy, think we would get on pretty well. )
John Constantine ( from the comics, not the movie )
Molly (aka Sally Shears, from Gibson's Sprawl books )
Kaylee Frye (from Serenity)

Worst book:
Nobody is in danger of reading this, but still : "Trollslayer" It was seven years ago that I read it, but the real, wincing shame of it is that I actually read it, loathed it ...and then _sought out_ and read two sequels out of a horrible 'surely it must get better' curiosity. (it doesn't)

Was terribly tempted to list "Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World: A Novel", mostly because I just didn't get it. *frown* I think it might just be me, though.

Harlan trying to identify mystery music
Harlan, why don't you have one of the computer afficionados who frequent this site guide you through posting a 15 or 20 second snippet of the music here? Someone's bound to know who it is, and I don't think a snippet would qualify as copyright infringement, would it?

I listened to our beloved leader speak last night. It reminded of an old Neil Young lyric about one of our other Presidents.

I never knew a man could tell so many lies
He had a different story for every set of eyes.
How can he remember who he's talkin' to?
'Cause I know it ain't me, and I hope it isn't you

I also listened to Jim Webb give the Demo response. Articulate and forceful, a powerful response. I can't help but continue to be impressed by this guy even though I expect little if anything from the Demos overall.


All your talk about THE TERROR coupled with the Wash Post review over the weekend leads me to add it to my list.

John G - Yes. Check out the oft-mentioned PRINCE MYSHKIN AND HOLD THE RELISH for one of the funniest.

(And that "I Have No Mouth..."? It's a scream!!!)
_____________________________________________

Harlan -- Looks like I'm at the tail end of this sinus thing. Hope you're doing as well. (If not, I can score you some antibiotics on the side...)

harlan and hawthorne
harlan's feelings about hawthorne may coincide with julian barnes' feelings about virginia woolf. (read arthur and george, by the way.) mr. barnes said he was waiting to read woolf until after he was dead. as always, i remain, obediently yours.

Au contraire Benjamin Winfield

Hawthorne had a perfectly good sense of humor. The short story "Mister Higginbothm's Catastrophe" is hilariously funny. The question is did Harlan ever put humor in his fiction, and if not, why not.

Nathaniel Hawthorne's stuff was infected with an oppressive gloom that, ironically, also distinguished it from the rest of the literary pack. (If one of my ancestors was a Salem witch-hunter, I wouldn't exactly be Barney the Pink Dinosaur myself.) Unfortunately, Hawthorne's Puritan-influenced neurosis CAN get a wee bit repetitive. Reading all of his short stores in one go can be a ridiculously draining experience.

Do You Dislike Hawthorne?

Harlan: Is it true that you have little regard for the writings of Nathaniel Hawthorne?

I seems to recall you saying you would never wish to read Hawthorne again. Yet, it seems that several stories "The Birthmark," "My Kinsman, Major Molineux" "Maypole of Merrymount" and "Young Goodman Brown" are solid stories. I'm wondering if you might fancy any of these?

I am engaged in teaching American Literature this semester and would enjoy any insight into the philosophical differences that might distance a modern fiction writer from a Romantic writer like Hawthorne. I would also wonder, as a matter of taste, why Poe and not Hawthorne? Or why Melville and not Hawthorne?

Steve Dooner

worst... books... ever....
I am currently reading what I consider to be the worst books I've ever taken the time to read: Erin Hunter's "Warriors" series about the feral cat clans with their weird cat religions,politics and conflicts. Yuck, yuck yuck... But my kid loves them and has read them all. He wanted me to read them and I can't believe I'm actually doing it. I think the writing and the premise are awful, but I can't put the books down. I finished the first series and am now strangely compelled to read the next "New Prophecy" series. These things are like crack. I even feel guilty about reading them. I feel like I should be reading something more worthy. I'm trying to figure out just *why* I can't stop reading these stupid things. Maybe I just wike puddy tats.

They are terrible.

Three Hearts in a Tango... (a message for Mr. Ellison)
Dear Mr. Ellison,

Being fairly versed in various forms of music (has anyone here read my thoughts on James Brown's funeral? Anyone? *sigh*) and also knowing where to look for ideas when one realizes one is licked, I found these names in the Tango genre at www.allmusic.com.

These are the names that I saw that started with B and have an N in them somewhere:

Bianco-Bachicha (the collection that I see is quite old, dating back to 1926)

http://www.allmusic.com/cg/amg.dll?p=amg&sql=10:w4de4j172wae

Miguel Bonano - Bandoneon
http://www.todotango.com/english/creadores/mbonano.asp

Osvaldo Berlingeri - Pianist
http://www.todotango.com/english/creadores/oberlingieri.asp

Antonio Bonavena
http://www.todotango.com/english/creadores/abonavena.asp

Arturo Bernstein (nickname, "The German")
http://www.todotango.com/english/creadores/abernstein.asp

As to the actual renditions that you have, I am of no help, whatsoever. Perhaps the composer is the part that is left on your CD. All of the links have either sound samples or full songs, so you may hear a tune that is familiar to you.

If I have been of no service, at least allow me to thank you for helping me discover the wonderful "Milonguero triste" by Bonano.

Brian Phillips

P.S. I seem to recall reading that you have some Solomon Burke in your collection. When I do my DJ gigs (no scratching, no rapping and I play vinyl only, should anyone ask), one of my favorites is Burke's song "Stupidity".

The Franklin Expedition and Tarcher
Six degrees of separation and so forth Dep't.

In the seventies my dad was a distributor of Jeremy Tarcher's books, some of them at least. My dad would call them to order books and Shari Lewis would answer the phone. I had grown up watching her on Saturday mornings. That was so cool! Later my dad had a store in San Juan Capistrano and Alan Young ("Mister Ed" and the original George Pal "The Time Machine") would come in to his shop from time to time. Then Clint Eastwood filmed a scene for "Heartbreak Ridge" in the parking lot behind my dads' store. You just cannot avoid this stuff if you live in LaLaLand.

I will have to get Simmons' "The Terror". Several years ago I read an excellent history of arctic exploration, "The Arctic Grail: The Quest for the Northwest Passage and The North Pole, 1818-1909" by Pierre Berton The book centers its' account around the Franklin expedition and the subsequent search groups dispatched for decades after it turned up missing. I highly recommend this book to anyone interested in the subject. I actually came up with a plot myself for a proposed SF novel set in the arctic after reading that book.

One of the more bizarre facts from the Franklin arctic expedition (and others of the period) were their attempt's at preventing/curing scurvy. The Royal Navy theorized that the scurvy was a result of lack of exercise when men were cooped up for long periods, as on a ship. The solution was, then, simple and obvious: get some good healthy exercise! So they hauled these sick men, with bleeding gums, loose teeth, aching joints and fever-ridden, out onto the ice to play football (soccer) in freezing conditions!

Talk about yer wooden ships and iron men, this was way, way up there on the testosterone scale.

KOS

I think Harlan's too excited to post this himself, so I'm gonna step in here. After seeing the rough cut of Dreams With Teeth, the very, very great Richard Thompson has eagerly agreed to score the Harlan documentary. Which is... you know... fucking AWESOME (Harlan's favoritest word)

Apropos of which - the short documentary Erik Nelson made about the scoring of Grizzly Man, In The Edges, will be airing on the Sundance Channel this Friday morning at 9:30 AM. It's also on the Grizzly Man DVD.

The Terror and a Harlan story
Wow. I have to agree with many posters on "The Terror." It's just an outstanding book (Simmons lives just up the road from me in Longmont; he's a nice guy).

I hate long books (though I disagree with Adam Troy-Castro on "Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell": I really liked that one, and had a lot of fun), and I think "The Terror" could lose 200 pages and not suffer for it. But dang, Dan made me keep turning pages, and that's rare. I even found "Ilium" and "Olympos" a bit trying at times, but now that I've finished "The Terror," I MISS reading it every day!

Book read against all common sense, and really hated: "Dhalgren." Huh. Shoulda listened to Harlan's advice on that one.

When I was a freshman in college in NYC, I had a crush on this Barnard girl, Mallory Tarcher (daughter of publisher Jeremy Tarcher and Shari Lewis of "Lambchop" fame). She was a bad girl and I was a bad lad, as it were, but we never got into any trouble together. Instead, she hauled me downtown one time to meet Harlan, a family friend, who was in a bookstore window writing "Night of Black Glass" (minor Ellison, in my opinion) based on an image supplied by Tom Brokaw. I was speechless.

Years later, I contacted Mallory. She had been too drugged out to remember ever knowing me. Now she does "Lambchop" (her mother died many years ago).

As for me, I've gotten to interview Harlan a few times.

Why am I telling you all this? I don't precisely know.

But hey, "The Terror" is really top-notch. No kidding.

Some Iranian politicians have voiced concerns that the United States might contemplate an attack because it feels it can only resolve its problems in Iraq, which is on the verge of civil war, by targeting the Islamic Republic.

Del Toro has to be influenced by Sam Raimi and his Evil Dead films. I won't ask you to ask him, but just a loud burp from the other side of the bar.

---------

Bush is a murderer, this is true, but the really frightening thing is he does it with that fucking Gomer Pyle grin and that stupid laugh. That makes movie horror pale.

oscars
borat....best adapted screenplay...is that one of those flaubert or conrad stories i haven't read yet ? and yay to mr deltoro.

THE TERROR
I'm on page 450 and I remain absolutely transfixed. Dan really hit a home run with this one. Extraordinarily well done.

Worst books ever
Once upon a long, long time ago, this lil' socialist was a die-hard, Bible thumpin', LIEbural hatin' Christer (in the worst sense of the word.)

And in those dark days, I read the entire Left Behind series. Every. Last. One.
Worse yet, I enjoyed the fuckin' things. Of ALL the wretched, ratty things I believed and read in that period, those were the absolute nadir.

I recently tried to reread the things, and doubled up laughing at how truely, awfully, miserably BAD they were. I'd rather read Card any day; at least he creates interesting situations.

I hate LaHay and Jenkins. Hate them forever for spoonfeeding people that pure, distilled bullshit. Grrrrrrrrrrrr...

Worst book... well, one of them, anyway...
Back in junior high school, they inflicted JONATHAN LIVINGSTON SEAGULL on us. Wonder if it is still required reading at Masterman?

Worst Book I've Ever Completed Reading
It's tough to come up with the name of a book I completed despite myself, out of refusal to allow it to defeat me; I did complete a Gor novel in my teens, and that's probably it, but more recently the phenomenon has been that of the well-written book that proves entirely pointless. Scott Smith's THE RUINS is, in terms of prose, a tour-de-force, but it's essentially just half a dozen characters who by dint of their own stupidity find themselves trapped someplace they shouldn't be; it is NOT a story of survival, as there's no chance of survival, but it's essentially just 300 pages (after 50 of setup), of them sitting around waiting to die. Were the book *awful*, I would have quit reading early on. But because it was good, on some levels, I essentially let it torture me.

I also found Susannah Clarke's JONATHAN STRANGE AND MR NORRELL *just* well written enough to keep me going for more than half its length, hundreds of pages after I realized I wasn't having any fun.

There are a couple of recent sf novels that I completed only by gritting my teeth and refusing to let them defeat me, and they'd be candidates for what we're talking about.

The worst is when a writer you LOVE comes up with one of these beauties. Stephen King has done several. But it's hard to define them as the worst books I've ever finished.

(Shrug). On the plus side, I must add my name to the accolades for Dan Simmons's THE TERROR. My rave review appears in the latest SCIFI magazine. It's not my favorite of his novels (that would be THE CROOK FACTORY), but it's a terrific piece of work.

I don't know why the various postings today inspired this, but did I ever tell you about the person who got so excited that I "knew" Harlan Ellison that he died a couple hours later? OK, that's a glib way to present what was a very sad event, but:

About two years ago, Debbie and I were visiting her mother and stepfather in Ocala, Florida. This was the first time we had seen there new home and met their new best friends who lived across the street. Debbie's stepfather was dying of cancer, and their friend Jim (I call him Jim only because I sadly have forgotten his name, though not his wife's, Ada)was also in pretty bad shape due to heart ailments. The two of them used to compete over who would die first, though it looked like Debbie's stepfather was going to win that one in a breeze. He didn't have long to go.

So, we meet Jim and Ada in their home, and we're taking the tour. Though he's had heart operations, Jim was a very tall and very robust ex-marine. Aged, but certainly hearty. Maybe in his mid to late 60's. We're yacking away and then I notice that Jim has a nice little science fiction book collection. One thing leads to another and Debbie tells Jim that not only have we had internet "conversations" with Harlan, not only did Harlan once call Debbie at home to assure her that laser eye surgery was perfectly safe (fortunately, she never had to have it), but that we once had dinner with Harlan and Susan and a couple of other folks.

Boy-howdy, was Jim ever impressed. He acted like I had grown up with Harlan instead of had some basic fan-interractions. I was simply impressed to find a 'regular' person who actually knew who Harlan was....you know the deal, there is a crowd of your friends who know Harlan, and then there is the common-man who says, "So, who is this Harlan Ellison fellow whose work you so enjoy? Did he do Star Wars?"

Anyway, Jim treated me like I was the second coming and then two hours later he was dead. We were back at Deb's mother's house when Ada called in a panic. I ran over there as I was faster than everyone else and found Jim, who had gone in for a nap, was dead. On the floor by the side of his bed; he had rolled off. Ada wanted me to turn him over so he could breathe, and though I made a token attempt while waiting for the ambulance, it was only a token attempt as it was obvious that he had had a massive coronary in his sleep and he was gone.

Sad, but true. An immediate rapport over Harlan with a new aquaintance, lost before the minute hand rotated twice.

-TODD

Theodore Sturgeon
I just had a dryer repairman over who in the course of idle chatter told me that once, while doing door to door missionary work, he came across Theodore Sturgeon. The repairman said he was shocked and was an admiring fan. He also said that Sturgeon didn't look anything at all what he thought a writer would look like, being shirtless and dirty from working in his yard.

Anyway, since Harlan mentioned the book introduction for the next Sturgeon collection, I thought I'd mention this as well as ask: Does anyone know how many books will be in the final collected Sturgeon series? I thought it was supposed to be ten originally, but since that didn't finish it and eleven comes out later this year, that clearly isn't the case. Anyone know? And is the publishing schedule going to be one every three or four years?

The publisher gives nothing away on their website so it's a bit frustrating.

Harlan -

Yes, indeed. Yes. Yes.

PAN'S LABYRINTH was nominated for BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE film and BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY. Congrats to Mr. del Toro. (Casa del Ellison is attracting quite the Academy Awards crowd these days...)
_________________________________________________

I've found, harkening back to Kim's message down below, that my tolerance and patience for reading of sub-par books is diminishing. I've got, now, quite a few on the shelves with pagemarkers one, two hundred pages in but sitting unfinished for months and even years. The most recent one I've waded through to the bitter end was Jimmy Buffett's A SALTY PIECE OF LAND, for which I repeatedly abuse myself for finishing. Even authors as talented and readable as Stephen King (DREAMCATCHER) and Dean Koontz (FOREVER ODD) aren't escaping my impatience.

And so, the question begs: is it the novel, or the reader who is to blame...

(Just musing out loud)

Two Brit Pop Videos
Just wanted to let all you fine Weblanders know of two videos currently on YouTube that accompany the best couple of songs heard in recent months. Don't know if these have headed Stateside yet.

The first is 'Rehab' by Amy Winehouse, a tribute to 60s Motown/jazz:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LD5sahXoj0U

The second is 'Grace Kelly' by Mika, currently at the top of the UK singles chart. This guy has a 5-octave range and will, I guarantee, be on Letterman or Conan in the next three months. You can say you saw him here first!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uzA0nG_PurQ

Cheers
Rob

Re: Dinner With Guillermo
All I can say is...well, gahDAMMMMM!

Doors left ajar and horrible journeys
*** Harlan *** Found a small package left in-between my front doors this morning. Postman must have doubled back yesterday. So, this is by way of saying, package received. This may have floated an extra day or two as they were reading 18102 as 19102 but that got resolved. I read envelope-ese.

As for the contents, I had not seen this since it's one of those things you kind of have to be up for or ready for. I take it this is some alternate cut. Either way, it will all be new and I look forward to it. And you didn't have to. And I've stopped scoring this game so I hope you have as well. But thank you. And I love those little notes. I've typed on manuals but nobody works around a graphic or the insane constrictions of a post-it note like you can. I think of it as another genre you've invented. ;-)

**************************************************************

Pimping that which needs NO pimping;

I was somewhat appalled that Dan Simmons' new novel THE TERROR wasn't reviewed on the front page of this weeks New York Times Book review. They've given this distinction to most of the Stephen King's lately so they really have no excuse. I'm hoping this is a lapse due to the early release date. They're running the sidebar ads so I'm thinking that review has to be in the pipe. I'm not going to review it here...

(6 stars out of a possible 5) ;-)

but I am going to cut-and-paste some cross-talk from another list I'm on to whet your appetite for this, possibly finest novel of 2007.

***************************************

Kenton writes;

An update on THE TERROR - Simmons pulls off a very nice,
out-of-the-blue homage to Poe. And it works! I'm about three-quarters through now. Still no filler. Coincidentally, 'Nova' just re-ran their documentary on the Franklin expedition.

(This re-airs again this evening I think. - b)

It was even more intriguing to watch now that I'm into the Simmons book. Much of what he writes is, of course, solidly based on historical fact. But so much of what happened still remains a mystery and it's easy to see why the author zeroed in on this particular expedition.

-ken10

After nine whole pages I'm willing to say this is the best book I'll be reading this year. And I am saying this in the 3rd week of January.

- Barney

I'm on page 65 now and I am already miserable and freezing and
claustrophobic. THE TERROR is just brilliant. Almost every detail he front loads into this will make you want to cry "Mommy!" and go home. Some of those guys must have been made out of the same oak they lined the hulls of their ships with.

I had no idea they started playing this insane voyage of discovery game in earnest as early as 1817.

What the hell is in the blood of Norwegian rat? Why don't they just freeze solid? Those things are unholy!

- b

Barney - Next time I call in sick at work due to internal bleeding, gangrene, broken bones, high fever, blindness, or whatever, I'll feel like such a wuss remembering what those stalwarts went through!

-- I had no idea they started playing this insane voyage of discovery game in earnest as early as 1817.--

I'm not sure at this point whether those early explorers would
classify as very, very brave or simply balls-to-the-wall bonkers.

-- What the hell is in the blood of Norwegian rat? Why don't they just freeze solid? --

Why, Norwegian rat-blood of course! Actually, that's a very good
question, even knowing how resilient rats are in general. We're
talking ungodly cold here. But then again, anything Norwegian is bound to be of superior quality!* ;)

-kenton

*astute readers might guess that my friend Kenton is Norwegian. But don't hold it against him - or you'll freeze like a tongue to a playground pole in a Minnesota winter.

So there you go. Go buy Dan's new book. And a space-heater. You'll need it.

- Barney

Windchill, PA.

The Worst Book I Ever Finished
Hmmm, this is tough. When you read five books a week for the first thirty years of ones' reading life, there were a lot of bad ones.

Immediately springing to mind is anything by Orson Scott Card, and yet I ploughed through the first four or five "Ender" books (they sort of blur together) in one desperate two week period of visiting my parents when my mother was dying. Even bad SF will get you through bad times. And then a month ago I actually BOUGHT the HARDCOVER of the new Card novel "Empire" (I revel in those moments when I surprise myself, even if with such odd behavior), and it sucks yet I read the whole thing, and I can barely read books anymore (not because I don't love them, it's my eyesight, which is more or less rapidly reaching the zero-point state).

Nevertheless, the worst book I ever finished was "The Transition of Titus Crowe" or somesuch malarkey by the seventies Lovecraft manque' Brian Lumley. I was trapped on a train with this loathsome thng for thirty-two hours, and as if it were some eldritch horror, one that even now as I sit in my warm study I can still feel working deep within the marrow of my loins, It kept my attention like some literary trainwreck. "Inchoate horror" aptly describes Lumley's style.

Dishonorable mention to "Interview with the Vampire" and "The Mummy's 'something ovr other' " by Anne Rice, but I never finished them. I discovered I do have a literary gag reflex when she started writing about such things as "exquisitely sensitive male nipples".

KOS

Guillermo Del Toro
Harlan, you are in for a treat if that dinner date with Guillermo ever takes place. I have had the pleasure of interviewing Guillermo three times, most recently for Pan's Labyrinth (the best film of 2006 in my humble opinion).

I hadn't seen him in over ten years (I interviewed him one on one for Mimic and then over the phone for Devil's Backbone). And yet, after such a long time, he rushed towards me, gave me a big bear hug and said "How are you cabrón?" And we sat down for dinner, an on the record interview and a much more informal chit-chat that went from our mutual appreciation for Julio Medem's and Wong Kar Wai's work to Grant Morrison. A conversation that went on in the limo that took us to a preview screening of "Pan's" and a Q&A moderated by yours truly. He answered all of mine and the public's questions with honesty and humor (Oh, yes, even there you are a big influence Harlan) and spent a good two hours signing autographs and talking to fans right afterwards.

He is, like the best of us, still a young kid at heart. And a man who stands up for his friends.

Say hi to him from me when you see him.

Alejandro

The Holier, The Hornier
In an HBO documentary by Alexandra Pelosi (daughter of Nancy), a recently fallen angel named Ted Haggard says, "You know all the surveys say that evangelicals have the best sex life of any other group." Furthermore, the ABC News story notes, "In the documentary, Haggard asks an evangelical next to him how often he has sex with his wife. The man replies, 'Every day.' Haggard then explains that evangelicals have a lot of love and says to Pelosi, 'You don't think these babies come out of nowhere?'"

Well, Haggard certainly had a "lot of love"--so much, in fact, that he couldn't limit it to only one gender. I wonder how his "cure" is going? I imagine Pastor Ted enduring a variation of the Ludovico Treatment from "A Clockwork Orange." Penis bad, vagina good; penis bad, vagina good; that's it Pastor Ted, keep repeating that and keep praising the Lord ... you'll be a holy hetero in no time.

On a cheerier note: I'll bet everyone of you remembers that classic episode of "You Bet Your Life" where a woman with a dozen or so kids is talking with Groucho, and he asks her "Why did you have so many children?" Somewhat embarrassed, she blurts out, "Because I love my husband!" To which Groucho replies, "I love my cigar, too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while!" Pretty funny, huh? Only one leetle problem: it never happened. I don't remember what sparked my quest to determine the veracity of this exchange, but something did and off I went, a-sleuthing through cyberspace.

Long pointing-and-clicking story short: after visiting several websites, Snopes.com being the most impressive, I reached the disappointing conclusion that Groucho never said it. In learning this, I was almost as crestfallen as I was when I discovered, long ago, that Bogey never said, "Play it again, Sam." To top it all off, I recently heard that Sgt. Joe Friday never said, "Just the facts, ma'am, just the facts." Is nothing sacred!?

But the freaky thing is: I really DO have a memory of seeing Groucho with Her Fecundness. It's kind of vague, yes, but I coulda sworn I saw it.

As the noted memory researcher, Elizabeth Loftus, put it in her aptly titled book, "Memory":

"The malleability of human memory represents a phenomenon that is at once perplexing and vexing. It means that our past might not be exactly as we remember it. The very nature of truth and of certainty is shaken. It is more comforting for us to believe that somewhere within our brain, however well hidden, rests a bedrock of memory that absolutely corresponds with events that have passed. Unfortunately, we are simply not designed that way."

Sheesh! Next thing you know, I'll start doubting that I met Elvis in the Mother Ship after being abducted by beings from a far star ...

I stand (gently) corrected
Thanks for sorting out "and" from "yet"...scrolling through a few posts, the one about political correctness on campus reminded me of the time a billion years ago, late '70s, when William S. Burroughs came to FSU and raised many eyebrows...as if they didn't know who they were getting!

Me me me me me me me me me me me

It's all about me me me me me me me

It's the all the time singing and dancing mememememememememme Harlan Ellison channel

M...urkkkkkkkkk

911!

Someone has shot whatsizname!

GUILLERMO del TORO

Dear Mr. Tim Case Walker:

A shameless brag on my part, for which I beg forgiveness a priori: Susan and I saw PAN'S LABYRINTH a while back. With only two small infelicities of circumstantial misplotting (and I mean SMALL)(yet, to me, as a storyteller, more annoying than niggling) we were utterly captivated by it. As I was already a del Toro afficionado, it was a joy to me; a real delight; one of those films you recommend to all your close friends with implacably impeccable taste. Just nifty, a killer flick, a real keeper.

Go see it, you will be rapt!

So. It's about three days after we'd seen it, when a friend calls and says something breathless on the order of, "I was sitting in on an interview with Guillermo del Toro and The Press, and someone asked him who were his influences, and the very first name he said was...YOU!"

Holy shit, I replied, holy gadzoley bettie spaghetti!!!! You are shitting me! "No, honest to god," he responded; and the very next day, which was 29 December instant, there in the interview feature DAILY VARIETY calls "Pushy Questions For..." is a series of Q&A with del Toro, and sure as Bush is a lying murdering arrogant sonofabitch, right there Guillermo del Toro (gahDAMMMMMM) names "five people who I'd like to see answer this survey" and the list reads, ahem, as follows

Harlan Ellison
Stephen King
Ray Bradbury
Terry Gilliam
Hayao Miyazaki

which is already a terrific chest-puff, but it is anticlimax at its apex BECAUSE ...

Earlier in December, I received a phone call outta the blue from (wait for it)

Guillermo del gahDAMMMMM Toro, telling me how much he admired my work, what a strong influence it was on him, and how, after the holidays and the pr tour for PAN'S LABYRINTH, he wanted to get together with Susan and me, here at the house, have some dinner (as Bruce Willis said in DIE HARD), gimme a call, drop by, we'll have some laughs...

Does THAT answer your question, Dayton Ohio?

Quietly, humbly, Yr. Pal, Harlan

NO, DEFINITELY NOT BALAKIREV

I didn't respond to Ashwin's suggestion because, having noted in the original post that the music on the "mystery disc" sounds exactly as if it were by Astor Piazolla, there was no point in telling anyone--Ashwin or otherwise--that it couldn't possibly by Balakirov. I assumed everyone knows Piazolla's lush and contemporary music of orchestral tangos. Balakirev, of course, is Russian, period, symphonic, schematic, vaguely nationalistic, and as different from Piazolla (and the "cues tied together" on this disc) as Lightnin' Hopkins is from, say, Grant Green. Jelly Roll Morton from Billy Strayhorn. Al Jolson from Dr. Dre; Lanny Ross from Alfred Drake; Moms Mabley from Elaine Boozler; Totie Fields from Judy Danuta; and so on.

I still don't know what it is ... exactly (though I'd bet my last days on this Earth that it's Piazolla or someone doing a manque of his idiom) ... or who sent it to me ... but this I do know:

Balakirev, it ain't.

Yr. Pal, Harlan

"Pan's Labyrinth"
Has anyone here seen Guillermo Del Toro's "Pan's Labyrinth" yet? If so, any thoughts? Harlan?

I look forward to seeing the film sometime this week. I ask the opinions of this group because it seems to me, from the reviews I've read, that the film, a contemporary fable, a work of magic realism, would (will?) appeal to fans of Harlan's work.

This subject may have been touched on in previous posts. If so, I missed it and apologize to those assembled.

Wasn't Erath the planet where all the men had small penises? Oh, that's Texas, sorry. Cindy, look away. Kiss.

----------

Indianapolis will be in the superbowl when Phoenix sees snow. Ah...runs away. Could Hawaii be next.

A CORRECTION!
That's LAST WOMAN ON EARTH, not LAST WOMAN ON ERATH!
(Might be a good title for a sequel, though!)

A bit more about Robert Towne
If Harlan, or anyone else here, ever saw LAST WOMAN ON ERATH and/or CREATURE FROM THE HAUNTED SEA (both directed, on the skimpiest of budgets, by Roger Corman around 1961), you may have noticed a rather stiff amateurish actor named Edward Wain. Well, Edward Wain IS Robert Towne, who wrote both the pictures. Corman didn't have the budget to pay for another professional actor, so Towne more or less found himself drafted.

BOB INGERSOLL:

No need. Got some Chardon syrup.


MS. BONITA: Idea for Harlequin came from my always being tardy or early. Very poor sense of punctuality. Extrapolation therefrom idle woolgathering...what if?

Also, Schenectady.

Yr. Pal, Harlan

ROB: Yes.

-he

Well I'm back, as a famous Hobbit once said.

And being the solipsist that I am I grant you all the illusion of idependent existence. I marvel at the endless imagination of the consciousness that creates all the postings during the time I was away. And wasn't the cigarette ad a nice touch?

While the sweetie and I were in sunny southern climes I fulfilled a desire to visit Estero, the sight of the Koreshan Community, a 19th century utopian group who migrated there to establish nothing less than the long prophesied New Jerusalem.

There were dozens of such groups, both famous and obscure, in early America but what really distinguished the Koreshan Community was their rather, shall we say, idiosyncratic view of the nature of the earth and its place in the cosmos.

The Koreshans, led by Prophet Cyrus Teed (blessed be his name), believed that the Earth was a concave sphere where we live, not on a particle hurtling through infinite space, but on the INSIDE.

Now this is such a, uh, counterintuitive idea that I was converted immediately. All the natural objections raised by infidels and unbelievers can be addressed. For instance, the reason it gets dark at "night" is not because our side of a sphereoid world rotates away from the sun (yeah right) but because the sun, which is inside the earth remember, is half dark and half light. It turns its light half away from our side of the concave sphere!

You didn't know that did you? Now you know what comes of listening to these ungodly scientists.

WE ALL LIVE ON THE INSIDE!



This post is a small tribute to the life and memory of Robert Anton Wilson who recently shrugged off his fleshy raiment and dwells now among the Shining Ones. Bodhi svaha.

Yes...Yet, ANOTHER Question!
Harlan,

Dunno if you want to bother with this one, but while revisiting Film 101 the other day it struck me how Robert Towne found such a tight niche from which to fly an incredible ladder to fame.

Most screenwriters of his stature - like William Goldman, for example - have a fairly diverse profile that includes novels and plays. But to my knowledge, Towne came STRICTLY n' PURELY from scripwriting. He dun nutin' else. As far as I know.

Given how tough it is to make it as ANY kind of writer, I think it's impressive. You yourself played the smartest game by diversifying your market - which, it would seem to me, gives a writer his best chances. To restrict oneself to a single niche, particularly one as competitive and back-stabbing as scriptwriting...

Well - shit - all I can say is I'm impressed with any schmo who can pull it off.

So, the all-important question - the one that convinced me was worth blowing my time at 3am (I mean WHO the hell wants to sleep at 3am, right?) - do YOU like some of Towne's stuff?

Thank christ I got THAT'n outta my system!

"Repent Harlequin!"

To Mr. Harlan Ellison,

I have an urge to ask where you found the inspiration to write "Repent Harlequin!" said the Ticktockman.

Thank you for it though. I loved it.

large tracts of useless neurons...
Last year, I was listening to some foodie-type show on NPR, & recall hearing that the "lower grade" maple syrup tastes better, as the first cooking -- Grade A -- is almost entirely sugar, & the warm rich smoky taste shows up later in the process.

Maple Syrup
Harlan,

You're welcome for the info on Brewster Rocket. As you don't need any strips, I won't bother sending you any.

However...

I do remember a few weeks back you mentioned that the last time you were here in Cleveland, someone rode you out to Chardon where you purchased some real maple syrup and that you're presently out of same.

I get out to Chardon every few weeks and could go into the Richards Maple Syrup store out there. They ship, so I could have them ship you some syrup, if you still want it.

Only thing I need to know, if you do want it, how much do you want and what quality. Light, medium or dark amber? Grade A, B or C?

Or, if you prefer, they have an 800 phone number -- 800-352-4052 -- so you could call and order direct.

If you want me to get some, just let me know. It's not imposition in any way. As I said, I get out to Chardon every few weeks.

Bob Ingersoll

A few bon mots from my kids' family dinner conversation:


If you sneeze very hard, and all your bones fly out … you’d be dead.

A lollipop I think is a kind of fruit.

A donkey is much faster than a human, when it’s running scared.

Drinking milk keeps your brain cold. If it gets too hot … you’d be dead.

I smooshed a spider on the ceiling. Soon it will fall on my head while I’m asleep.

Can you choke to death on a communion wafer? There’s something wrong with that.



Jeffty is eternally five….and thank God for that.

Adam-Troy - Actually, according to whois.net, the company has a location in Sarasota.

Mcity4.com Inc
1455 Tallevast Road
Suite L4438
Sarasota, FL 34243

(Something tells me this is a mail drop, but it's public information unless Rick slaps me down for posting the address instead of the link.)

Wondering, Per The Previous
Can a dead gopher be e-mailed?

usa
Discount cigarettes online! Don’t loose your chance to buy cheap cigarettes online.
Premium cigarettes with delivery around the world at http://www.mcity4.com
Marlboro $16.61
Camel $16..61
WEST $14.95
BOND $13.95
Davidoff $22.95
Magna $14.95

All prices include delivery fee at www.mcity4.com

Cigarette shop on-line! www.mcity4.com !

A flying blue monkey moment

I am not one for asking other to do good works or be charitable. That, I feel is up to each person and what and where they want to place their time, money, and focus. On the other hand, here is a real throat chocker and I am pasting a link to see who out there feels like doing a solid and gaining a few mitzvah points.

http://subterraneanpress.com/index.php/2007/01/21/a-sale-for-sam-jones/#more-198

It seems rare opportunity get a volume of good reading to fondle and fetish AND help someone out.

*********

Thank you for the correction on Brewster Rockit, folks, the days have been long and that was knocked out before jetting to this new gig. I am happy that Unca' Harlan got to see them.

They put my friend Jerry in jail

Could somebody translate his case file?

He tried to withdraw his guilty plea; the plea allocution "was protracted by the Defendant's apparent difficulty in accepting responsibility for his crimes;" and his pro se submissions "effectively recanted" the admissions he made at the allocution.

A Left-handed Compliment
Mr. Tim Rickard, nothing personal at all, but your comic substituted my love, GET FUZZY, in a local paper i used to receive. You are therefore, by default, a bad person. I'd sue for reparations, but no on seems to care. Therefore, a toast to your good fortune seems to be in order.
(preceeding to be read in the manner of W.C. Fields on a good day.)
all best,
p.

Wow! I've been enjoying the "Brewster Rockit" strip for several months now, never suspecting that it was being written and drawn just a few short miles down the road from me. I was, in fact, born and raised in Greensboro, and still live nearby.

I don't know how long Tim Rickard has been in Greensboro, but I can't help wondering if he was in the audience, as I was, back in the mid-1980s when Unca Harlan's lecture at UNC-Greensboro was grimly monitored for unacceptable content by the Guardians of Public Morality.

(As a somewhat depressing parenthetical addendum, it occurs to me that, given that I know nothing of Mr. Rickard's biographical data, he might not even have yet been born in the mid-1980s. Ah, well...)

Steve J.

Brewster Rockit
Thank YOU Mr. Ellison
And may I add, what an honor.
I read "I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream" many years ago when I was in the ninth grade, and may I say that story is about all I remember from that year.
One of my all time favorites.
Your fan;
tim rickard
Brewster Rockit: Space Guy!

Harlan:
I wonder whether you missed Ashwin's post re your mystery CD. I noticed you took a moment to respond to "Me" but had not replied to Ashwin's earlier and more detailed missive. Allow me to repost:

Ashwin
UK - Saturday, January 20 2007 7:30:13
re: HARLAN NEEDS TO SOLVE A MYSTERY
HARLAN:

Your request was addressed to whoever sent that CD-R, but as I think I have a clue as to what is on that disc, and (as I said in my previous post) I just lurve a conundrum, my *guess* is that it contains the elusive

Suite in B by BALAKIREV

... and searching back through the Webderland archives, I think the good soul who helped you out was "Colleen" from Honolulu (August 2005 apparently; it really doesn't feel like that long ago to me).

If I've got any of this wrong, and Colleen reads this, my sincere apologies - it was just a guess.

BREWSTER ROCKIT ------ FOLLOW UP

BOB INGERSOLL, et al:

I have enough copies of the strip now, need no more. Thanks for all popping in.

Here is what I'd like posted over there, if possible, leading Mr. Rickard (or whoever) back here to the Pavilion:

----------------------------------------------------------------
Actually, the title of my story is "I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream." It is also a CD-ROM I created. The book had a slightly different punctuational m.o., in order to differentiate the story itself from the short story collection: I HAVE NO MOUTH & I MUST SCREAM.

Well, landsakes, so this is what Fame, Celebrity, Notoriety, Homage (aka "hommage") and the succoring scent of Posterity are like.

I is quietly humble and/or proud. Thank you, Mr. Rickard.

Yr. Pal, Harlan

--------------------------------------------------------------

Many thanks to anyone who gets the preceding where it oughtta go in space/time.

-he

BREWSTER ROCKIT WEBSITE ------ att: BARNEY, et al
I would like to post a very small thankyou to the cartoonist, Mr. Rickard, on his Tribune website, and gently to correct the imprecise "Ellison Reference" title error ... but when I type in my message, it bounces me back everytime onaccounta I'm not "registered," a condition I would NEVER accept, onaccounta I don't want spam'n'crap sent to me from Tribune or anyone else.

Can you, Barney, or anyone already registered there, give me an assist on effecting this small courtesy?

Awaiting, I remain, Yr. Pal, Harlan

My Bad!
I know I'm busting the one-a-day law, but I just saw that Harlan wanted the WHOLE 2001 parody...

http://usera.imagecave.com/cljohnston108/Brewster_Rockit/ltmrkt070115.gif
http://usera.imagecave.com/cljohnston108/Brewster_Rockit/ltmrkt070116.gif
http://usera.imagecave.com/cljohnston108/Brewster_Rockit/ltmrkt070117.gif
http://usera.imagecave.com/cljohnston108/Brewster_Rockit/ltmrkt070118.gif
http://usera.imagecave.com/cljohnston108/Brewster_Rockit/ltmrkt070119.gif
http://usera.imagecave.com/cljohnston108/Brewster_Rockit/ltmrkt070120.gif

I've been saving Brewster to my HD since last year.
I'll gladly remove these from my ImageCave if it's a copyright infringement problem.

Just wanted to be of some help.

Too late!
I was late in looking at my favorite comics today.
Came right here when I saw Brewster but, alas, much too late to be Johnny-on-the-spot.
Damn and Blast.

Well, if I'd posted it first, probably nobody would've seen the relevance.
(That's the kinda week I'm having.)

Anyway, I've archived it in my ImageCave, for any other Johnny-come-lately's...
http://usera.imagecave.com/cljohnston108/Brewster_Rockit/ltmrkt070120.gif

Stay Shiny!
Chris

Brewster Rocket
Harlan,

First, the comic strip in question is called Brewster Rocket, not Booster Rocket. Mark mistyped the name.

Second, said comic strip is syndicated by the Chicago Tribune Syndicate. You can find the strip archived at the Trib Syndicate's web page

http://www.comicspage.com/

Third, the 2001 spoof started on Monday the 15th of January, when the computer PAL 8000 decided to take down all technology on the spaceship R. U. Sirius, because mankind had become too dependent on technology.

Today's strip indicates that the storyline will continue next week, and its in continued next week caption that the reference to you -- actually to "I Have no Mouth..." -- appears.

If you can't access the strip on line, I can go back in the archives and print each day's strip then send them to you. Obviously I wouldn't be able to send you an entire comic-strip page complete with the strip for archive purposes and date, but it would be the complete strip (taken from the web page) and each strip would have it's date in it.

Let me know if you want them.

All the best.

Bob Ingersoll

Brewster Rockit
*** Harlan *** That one took me 4 clicks and about 2 seconds of typing 'cause I was looking for "booster" instead of "Brewster" rocket. Here you go;

http://www.comicspage.com/brewster/brewster.html

*** John *** While I love Harlan's definition more than I can say (heh heh) I've also started using "pull-down" dictionary tabs. If you use Mozilla's FIREFOX 2.0 one of their simplest, least intrusive "add-ins" is a very small additional search-engine window which is placed next to the html address line. You get to pick which engines you have as an on-screen pull down. In mine, in addition to the "google" and (cough) wikipedia and Amazon and Ask Jeeves engines I also have a thesaurus, dictionary, mapping feature, food network recipes and the weather channel set to my zip code. Web browsers have gotten WAY more powerful in the last few years but few people bother to tweak their functionality.

I mention this in conjunction with FIREFOX because their way of doing it tucks away or hides much better than Yahoo or many of the others which hog screen space and sometimes system memory.

I'm not saying my tabbed dictionary is ANY replacement for my O.E.D. - but I only use my O.E.D. when attacking/approaching the ever perverse Thomas Carlyle or some 18th or 19th century wonk. Which ain't often these days.

- Barney

YOU:

No, it ain't Bartok.

Or Bach Bernstein Brahms Bolling Beethoven Bloch Britten Borodin

or...

ME, -he, right back atcha

INCHOATE:

The reduction to foaming babble of otherwise intelligent verbal comment when one attempts to codify one's loathing of George W. Bush.

Def. from: UNCA HARLAN'S BIERCEian DEVIL'S DICTIONARY (2007 edition)

MARK SPIELER or ANYONE ELSE who can ...

We don't get the comic strip "Booster Rockit" and I'm DYIN' to see the spoof in its entirety, including (but especially) today's installment. If anyone out there, or Mark, has access to the extended shtick, please let me know how I can come by it, such as a nearby newspaper that might have back numbers, or the name of the Syndicate that proffers this strip; I could order up backdate printouts, as long as I know how far back the "2001" continuity extends.

And, in any case, thanks, Mark.

Yr. Pal, Harlan

Bela Bartok?

Siano, your first time ever seeing O'Reilly? Damn elitist. kiss.

Actually, Mark Russell isn't a hack, sure his front row consists of old ladies who you might see cozy up in Branson or the bad Vegas showrooms, but sometimes even those old ladies get in the right line at the movies. Russell has talent, he just isn't your cup of joe, but no hack is he. O'Reilly, on the other hand, is the thing the chicken first sees when the axe goes down on him.

I take it you never venture into Media Matters For America?

-----------

Jello Biafra has been asked to be a guest on O'Reilly and Hannity and Colmes many times, but he will not go own corporate television any more. I wish I could talk him into it, but he just will not budge on this one.

--------

I was going to send Harlan a cdr or obscure Prince stuff, so he would know what a badass the little feller is, but I'm glad I didn't. Just my luck the cdr would be the one cutting his writing hand, as it fell from the stack. Don't want dead rats in my mail.

John:

You can type "define: inchoate" directly into a Google search.

Or ... look in a dictionary!

Regarding common word definitions and normal usage, I doubt even a Grand Master could do much better than a $5.00 dictionary and a reasonably good thesaurus.

What else can be said
SHAGIN. Harlan's counsel seem to be appropriate as far as putting the horror on the printed page. The sad fact is with the discovery of this scumbags behavior, the facts are just now being unearthed. There will be more, as there always seems to be with this carnal, loathsome sort. You can only document, be the stalwart, family member who is there throughout the ordeal to come. Good luck to you and your family.

******

A change of gears, and mood, you may want to checkout the daily comic strip Booster Rockit, which has been running a "2001" spoof and seems to have tipped its hat to our Esteemed Host in the final panel of today's strip.

re: HARLAN NEEDS TO SOLVE A MYSTERY
HARLAN:

Your request was addressed to whoever sent that CD-R, but as I think I have a clue as to what is on that disc, and (as I said in my previous post) I just lurve a conundrum, my *guess* is that it contains the elusive

Suite in B by BALAKIREV

... and searching back through the Webderland archives, I think the good soul who helped you out was "Colleen" from Honolulu (August 2005 apparently; it really doesn't feel like that long ago to me).

If I've got any of this wrong, and Colleen reads this, my sincere apologies - it was just a guess.

Harlan, my literacy level is low. Define the word inchoate and demonstrate a way to use it.

That it does, Mr. Ellison, that it does. She needs her family and we are there for her now as we have always been; there was never a stronger wall. My brother is panicked, and I sit here dredging up every last ounce of training from my years as a sexual assault advocate. With the cool solace of logic and reason, I understand the nuts and bolts of the process. I am intimately familiar with the truth that kids are not always comfortable confiding in adults no matter how available and devoted they may be. Hell, it was six years before I could tell my mother about my own rape, and my childhood was a Sunday-walk-in-the-park compared to her current social situation.

Since making the original post, the details are still sketchy but he has confessed and is being held on $250,000 bail. According to the detective I spoke with, the confession began "Since there's no sense in hiding it...".

Emotionally, the mule cum oozing, syphillis ridden, whore son can't fall down hard enough, fast enough, or painfully enough.

"Alive and Well on a Friendless Voyage" is one of my favorite stories. I wish I didn't understand it so damn well.

SHAGIN:

Between my post below, and the one preceding yours, in came your query. I'm the wrong one to ask. Before I'd write it--which might come years later, once I'd mentally masticated the emotion and facts of the "anecdote"--I would be with my brother (if I had a brother, and the situation was mine) and both of us would have Louisville Sluggers, and I would make sure the molester "tripped and fell" A LOT OF TIMES before we hauled his broken&battered ass to the cops.

I am the wrong one to ask. Writing is later. Life comes first.

Harlan

HARLAN NEEDS TO SOLVE A MYSTERY

INTRODUCTORY ADVISORY:

I am speaking only to ONE OF YOU. The problem is, I don't know which of you that ONE is. Do not perceive this as anyone being in trouble. Just the opposite in fact. Someone here has done me a solid, but whichever one of you it was, well ... the good deed was done some while ago, and the source of the largesse has fled my memory. Whoever you are, you'll know it's you by the time I get to specifics. Here we go.

WHAT HAS GONE BEFORE:

My Bang&Olufsson Beocord tape deck went out. I bought a new one off e.bay. While waiting for it to arrive, I pulled the trusty but sadly, finally, weary old one. It was spaghetti-chaos plug-corded in amidst a ghast Sargasso of other cordage in a shadowed space to the right of my typewriter venue. As have all of us, I'd used the archival spaces thereabouts to stack CDs waiting to be heard: Vivaldi, Bix, Lyle Lovett, Darius Milhaud, Broadway Theater 1923, Thelonius Monk, Piaf,
the Brazilian Guitar Quartet, Solomon Burke, Morricone film scores, Dave Koz, Ry Cooder, Sibelius ... and on and on. All one hundred-plus had to be schlepped out and (I thought, fool I, temporarily) stacked willynilly hurlyburly chockablock and more thereabouts. Till the new Beocord came in. Which it did. Then came the nightmare months of trying to write that #@:@(*& Sturgeon introduction (now, thankthankthankthankUgod, done and on its way to Noel Sturgeon for vetting). And so the Beocord sat on the floor, on the platform just abaft my desk, right in the path of anyone walking around the atrium. And sure as Tony Snow sucks, I clipped it with a toe the other day, and went all-a-tilt-can-over-kettle and, flailing most wildly, capsized one of those stacks of CDs waiting to be played. They went all over the place and, in restacking, I grabbed two or three to listen to immediately, because the new stacks were a bit too high. I grabbed a couple of random non-commercial CDs that friends and musicians had sent me the last yhear or two. And that is where the MYSTERY begins.

BRIEF BACKSTORY:

One of you had sent me this CD-R disc. Something you thought I should hear. It was stacked amid the preceding-noted hundred-plus. I postponed listening to it when it arrived who-can-remember-when-but-maybe-as-much-as-a-year-ago. But now it was in my hand, and I put it on the CD player, expecting crap...
But no, oh no, anything BUT crap.

DESCRIPTION OF THE MYSTERY ITEM:

It isn't in a jewel box. It is in a square clear-plastic sleeve the size of a fast-food napkin and, in fact, the liner is a white napkin-like material with little holes in it like an acoustical tile. The liner is as thin as a fast-food napkin. The notched plastic (square) sleeve is open on 2 sides, and has a deep V cut that permits the fingers to reach in and scoop out the disc from between the plastics. It has 5 holes down one side, as if it had been taken from a small square CD travel-case. It is a single Memorex compact disc that says "700 MB" and "80 minute" and "48x multi speed" printed thereon as logos. Whoever sent it had also written on it in marker ...

GODDAM ALL SLOVENLY SOBs WHO PRINT HASTILY:

...I don't know what!!! That's the core of the mystery AKA annoying problem! On the disc the Good (Slovenly, Lick and a Promise) Samaritan has written what looks like--I say it LOOKS like--

Ba-----

Could be: Ballcen / Barcen / Barlcen / Batcern ...

It definitely starts with a "B"

The second letter is almost certainly an "a"

There are four letters that follow, they could be "r c c e" or ???????????????????

The last letter is almost certainly an "n"

and below that, sloppy, but readable:

(CUES TIED TOGETHER).

WHAT IS ON THE CD:

Gorgeous music! I love it! It has the sound of tango-like orchestral contemporary-classical figures ala Astor Piazolla (I may not have spelled the "Piazolla" correctly). It runs maybe three minutes. Maybe a little longer. Rest of the CD is empty.
Could be cues from a film tied together, but what the hell film begins with Ba----n...? I thought it might be music by Balkan, but it doesn't at all sound like him. Too traditional, yet too modern.

MY HUMBLE PLEA:

If you are the one who sent me this, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE come here and tell me what the source is, who the composer is, what else s/he may have done, and anything else you wanted me to know. It is driving me nuts. I listened to it for three days, all through the writing of the 9th revised version of the %@(*)
Sturgeon introduction. This is a SERIOUS conundrum!

I want to thank you; I want to save this CD and file it properly, so I can go to find it again when I want to replay its wonderfulness; I want to stop agonizing over this. But I know nothing more than what I've said above.

Are you listening? Halp!

Yr. pal, Harlan

Two hours ago, I had the homicidal privilege of learning that my sister-in-law's boyfriend has been sexually molesting my niece for the past 2 years. She's 15 years old.

I know that there's the kernel of a powerful, mojo-hot story to come from this. I can't see it right now. I can't see past the muzzle of my brother's 9mm that's stashed at our house to keep it out of my brother's hands when he finds out what's happened to his daughter.

So, Mr. Ellison and flying blue monkeys, how long do you typically wait for the blood on the page to dry before submitting a piece for publication?

Wikipedia is useless as a reliable source for anything.

It is full of half-truths, errors, and damnable lies.

It is merely popular because of advertising.

Many people say that it is a great place to begin researching a subject.

McDonald's does a lot of advertising. Does that mean one should always start every meal by visiting McDonald's?

How do writers get there start?
Just a quick moment to brag. My daughter just learned that her short story came in third in the writing contest at her college. A small cash amount and publication will follow.

A small thing, but cool nonetheless.

Mike

What's the Worst Book You Ever Finished?
"A Trial by Jury" by D. Graham Burnett.

Based on an intriguing idea (a real life account of the inner workings of a jury), I finished this instead of tossing it aside because I kept waiting for it to get better. I'm still waiting.

How about you?

Merely a small and cordial correction
To David Loftus, who claimed that vocal _cords_ is the proper terminology. It can be, and in fact, they really are cords of tissue.

A quick survey of the Web for an authoritative source turns up interesting results. Answers.com claims that "chords" is a misspelling, derived from the misuse of the music term, and Wikipedia doesn't include "chords" in its definition. Both of these are wrong.

Vocal _chords_ has always been an accepted spelling. Both derive from the Greek _chorda_, meaning "string" or "gut," and anatomy texts referred to "spinal chords" for decades.

Anal-izing
Since I'll be shutting up for the weekend and longer:
HARLAN: Checking out a review copy of the new the Dream Corridor: kkkkEWWWLL, man! Execllent art and (of course) writing!
BARBER: That was an attempt at being whimsical -- guess you missed it.
LOFTUS: If one looks in the dictionary under anal, one finds your full name and this symbol: *

Yours in eye-rolling loyalty,
DTS

returning the favor
Hello Harlan, Susan & Fellow Diners!

Since this has become less of a dining pavilion to me and more the rowdy pub where I spend my lunch hour eavesdropping on my (generally) fascinating neighbors, I wanted to return the favor and share a piece I think might speak to my fellow film fanatics and iconoclasts (which I think pretty much covers all Webderlanders), inspired by a recent DVD release from the Criterion Collection.

Regardless of your opinion of the film itself, I hope the essay resonates:

http://www.newtexture.com/content/view/120/54/

Thanks for the indulgence!


Wyatt

sing . . . sing a song . . . .

Time to offer my weekly dose of pedantry.

DTS observed:

"I'm pretty he's never been able to play anything other than a vocal chord or two."

and Steve Barber expanded with:

"Then, if I may submit, does this not make Harlan's chords themselves the instruments(?) upon which he would play so well???"


Actually, neither is accurate. One sings with one's vocal "cords." If Harlan were singing vocal "chords," he would be delivering more than one tone simultaneously -- and preferably at least three. The only person I've heard possibly do more than one tone vocally at the same time was Bobby McFerrin.

Saints?
Harlan, it's obvious why you are a Cleveland Indian fan, but what made you a New Orleans Saints fan? It's always been an intriguing football team to root for (a team named the Saints? Almost as strange as the Padres), especially with their lifelong underdog role, but I'm thinking there is more to it than simply selecting one of many underdog franchises.

Enjoy the game on Sunday.

-TODD

Thinking still less of Little
*** Adam *** He could open with an impersonation of John Wilkes Booth as far as I'm concerned.

- Barney Dannelke

Day five of the unending quarantine.

Outside the birds are singing, dogs barking and children walking to school.

Yesterday, in a desperate attempt to lighten up the day, I turned to the large glass teat at the end of the room. 200 digital channels, twelve in "high def". "Daytime" TV.

I was horrified.

Whole networks built from reruns of LAW AND ORDER and CSI franchises; chintzy copies of Japanese anime; more "reality" programs than the population merits (Asimov's "everyone will have their own channel" anyone???); and this singly terrifying talk show with Ms Megan Mullaly (hysterical as Karen Walker on WILL AND GRACE, notsomuch as herself).

Does Harlan know about this????
__________________________

Dorman sed: "other than that, I'm pretty he's never been able to play anything other than a vocal chord or two."

Then, if I may submit, does this not make Harlan's chords themselves the instruments(?) upon which he would play so well???
__________________________

A-TC - I thiink anyone could have seen this coming. The Colbert story last year was a huge embarrassment for the White House (one of many), and this year's entree of milquetoast is the food of the day. I'm reasonably sure that any kind of controversy would have been career-ending for the booking agent.

third five
marx brothers do chevalier in monkey business. third five-mahtma kane jeeves, dr bernard quatermass, dr hugo hackenbush, captain louis renault and the boss from the great mcginty. as always, i remain, obediently yours.

Adam, I can't get worked up over this as much as you have.

The other night, I watched Bill O'Reilly for the first time, solely because he had Stephen Colbert on as a guest. Who was wonderful. However, afterward, he ahd on a couple nitwits to explain why Colbert was so popular among the press while O'Reilly was so "hated." (Isn't it fun to watch powerful people bleat about how people don't like them? Even when they're obviously successful?)

One nitwit, Bernard Goldberg, trawled up the standard muck about how comedians like Bob Hope and Lucille Ball made fun of -themselves_, which was OK-- but these new guys, these smart alecks, these cynics, they make fun of other people, and this way they mislead people into laughing. And I'm watching this moron and thinking that his exemplars of "real comedy" had reached their respective peaks of popularity before 1970 at the very latest. The rest of us had spent the last _fifty years_ growing up with Lenny Bruce, Mort Sahl, George Carlin, Richard Pryor, the lampoon and SNL... why the fuck was this wheeze dwelling on comedians who'd missed the boat decades ago?

The answer's simple: Bernard Goldberg is a stroke victim.

The press corps actually had a good reason to go with Rich Little. When you think of safe, toothless political "humorists," the first hacks who come to mind are Mark Russell or the Capitol Steps. They probably figured that everybody's _used_ to the local acts, and this special occasion required the measured exoticism of Las Vegas.

But why the outrage? It's not as though we depend on the National Press Corps Dinner as my source of comedy. Nor should we expect that dinner to be the showplace for any kind of dissenting statement. Nobody at this thing is interested in making the President feel bad: if they did, they'd have spent their careers asking him decent questions and pressing him to actual facts. Getting mad about this is sort of like getting mad at your auntie's knitting circle because they coo and aww over photos of kittens. They may be nice people, but they're irrelevant to anything important.

I just had this flash of deja vu. Did I post something like this before, like, when Colbert did his routine?

Potential Moment of Greatness? No, Not Me. I'd Rather Be Safe.
Sorry. Need to vent.

http://www.reviewjournal.com/lvrj_home/2007/Jan-17-Wed-2007/news/12023803.html

Burned last year by the appearance of Stephen Colbert, who spoke truth to power and earned himself the eternal ire of pundits who claimed that it was not his place, the planners of the White House Press Correspondent's dinner have booked -- impressionist Rich Little.

With absolutely no sense of self-consciousness, Little has sworn to "not even mention Iraq."

He has said that he will go easy on the President, who has had a rough time lately and is worried about his legacy.

He has said that he has been asked to do so.

Folks, the White House Correspondents' Dinner hasn't always been the home of great satire, but the comedians have always been allowed to say what they were inclined to say. Some have raked the President and the various other attending politicians over the coals. Colbert's performance was, whatever you think of it, merely a continuation of this tradition.

Rich Little was pretty good when I was still a fan of his, thirty-five years ago. My parents went to see him recently. They reported that he still does Peter Lawford and Anthony Newley and Georgie Jessel and Maurice Chevalier. They crowed that it was among the best Chevalier impressions they ever saw. And I immediately flashed back to the scene in that Marx Brother movie (I forget which one) which hinged on Chevalier impressions. That movie is now SEVENTY YEARS OLD. The MOVIE is.

Little's act must go over wonderfully with audiences that must bring their oxygen tanks to the table.

I interrogated my parents, and established that Little doesn't seem to have added a new voice to his repertoire (aside from Presidents) since about 1980 or so. He is as square as comedians come, and it says a lot that they had to go to him to find someone who wouldn't use the occasion to rip Bush a new one.

The issue here is not whether or not he'll put on a good show. I think he will. He's a talented guy. He's no longer my cup of tea, as he's remained frozen in time, but I can't accuse him of being anything less than excellent at what he does.

But the issue here is that he was picked to be innocuous.

And what it says about Bush, and the craven Press Corps, that they would want to pick a guy to be innocuous.

The thing is, I can't see him rebelling against this. He still has a career, giving his totally unthreatening comedy act to wheezing high-rollers.

But I'd tell you what would make me respect him, a lot.

That would be if he miraculously said to himself, "You know what? It's an honor to be chosen for this show...but I have performed before other Presidents, and NOBODY BEFORE has ever asked me to avoid certain subjects. Being chosen for this show, for this reason, is a personal insult. I will not be harmless. I will do everything they expect of me including Georgie Jessel, and I will not be as tough on them as Colbert was because that's not my thing, but I will also, just for the sake of doing it, insert a one-liner or two that will make the bastards squirm. I will do it just to show I can. I will do it because it will show integrity. My fans, if they are fans, will continue buying tickets at Atlantic City. And if not, to hell with them. Being 'safe' is no fit ambition for a grown man, let alone a comedian."

I am not holding my breath.

The sad thing is that he takes being Innocuous as a virtue.

Musical instruments and Harlan J. Ellison
Dave C (aka, spacklepants which I DON'T want to speculate upon given the nature of Castro's recent post): I once witnessed Harlan playing the "musical fruit" (true story), other than that, I'm pretty he's never been able to play anything other than a vocal chord or two.

--DTS

carpal tunnel, avoidance & treatment of
Hm; experience, eh? Started typing as a kid on the ancient typewriters my dad refurbished in a fit of boredom -- someday I'll post a photo, but until you see a machine with three characters per key, you haven't lived (yes, two shift keys). Moved on to a Smith-Corona portable electric. Went to college, started at the radio station in the first week, & typed my class papers on the office Selectric while tunes played. Became a programmer & got fairly good at pinning the bedamned manuals down with one hand & typing complex code & comments with the other. Most typing uses the first three fingers on my right hand & the left index, with occasional additions, yet frequent use in various jobs has occasionally pushed my speed up, having last been tested at like 86 wpm with 3 errors.

I've rarely had the slightest twinge.

First, type like Brahms played:
-- NEVER EVER rest your wrists on anything, as most "carpal tunnel" derives from impeded blood flow
-- ensure that there's a nice & slightly increasing curve from the elbow to the fingertips
-- hit the keys as vertically as you can manage
-- some people lose the pain when the tilt the keyboard backward, & I'm surprised this has so rarely been mentioned in ergonomics texts

Have your spine checked out regularly. At the new job, I've been having tingling, numbness, shooting pains, etc., but I've experienced this before & know exactly which vertebrae have to be slam-twisted back into position after a tough week.

Dinner party? How about the characters in "The Rumfuddle," by Jack Vance.

Harlan (or somebody else who knows), I've always wondered --
Do you play any musical instruments? In all the Stuff About You I've ever read (which ain't much, but), I never saw any such mention. Should that have been a bit of a pointer, there?

A Quick Clarification
Again forced to direct response, reason to shut up after this for several days: I am not talking about porn performers, but porn CHARACTERS. As per the fictional nature of the list.

Adam Troy-Castro wrote:

"That's already nine, exceeding the terms of the competition, but we desperately need a lady. So I nominate ANY ONE OF A THOUSAND CANDIDATES FROM THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF PORN, writhing over there at the end loudly pleasuring herself with a hard roll."

Because, naturally, all porn stars are filthy animals unfit for decent human company. (I don't know about you, but I'd invite Savanna Samson to dinner any day. At the very least, she'd bring a good wine for the main course.)

Quick addendum: I am willing to concede that Mary Magdelene may have been a real person, but so much of what is currently recounted is fictionalized, so I declare some wiggle room.

Thank you, and apologies for any cofusion -- and the second post.

(See, I told you all to decline Adam-Troy's invitation to the dance. Aren't you happy now?)

Going back to the IDEAL fictional party list, I offer:

Susan Calvin -- Yes, perhaps too easy, but I've found that if you consider the potential topics of conversation it's possible to "pre-load" the guest list appropriately. Doctor Calvin has a basic understanding of human/machine interaction.

Mary Magdelene - Who better to get us to the answer of what actually happened all those years ago? What, truly, was Jesus thinking?

The Doctor - Who? (David Tennant version, Tom Baker is busy and sends his regrets.) Filled with more questions than answers about the nature of the universe, but with 900 years of observation, what an opinion he could offer.

Rick Blaine - Far from his little club in Casablanca, Rick has seen the very best and very worst of human nature. He might not be the most verbose at the table, but every word would be weighty. (And, I need a drinking partner and am not sure if anyone else will drink the wine...)

Hari Seldon - Doctor Seldon's theories make us the macro form of this micro conversation. He and Rick Blaine approach humanity's actions from polar opposites.

The question at hand: What is man, and what will mankind become?


Oh, and Unca Harlan's Harlequin is the wine steward, and the waitstaff is made up of characters from the West End cast of MAMMA MIA.

US
Just wanted to say hi before I read more of the past threads. Looks like there are some crazy people here. ;0) lol


C ya later

another 5
second five-dr henry jones jr, carl denham from rko, captain jeffrey spaulding, sir john falstaff and harry lime. read anne-and was stunned to see what anne it was. you know, howard waldrop and i are friends. he knows paul difilippo,noted author, whose birthday is 10/29/1954 and i know mary lou difilippo,ny voiceover actor, whose birthday is 10/27/1954. until i decide What This All Means, i remain,as always,obediently yours.

Carpal Tunnel Syndrome / Bad Dinner Parties
By the time it occurred to me to learn how to type, I was capable of doing more than 50 words a minute by the hunt and peck method. (People who see me do it express amazement.) I could not afford to slow down to learn the approved ten-finger method, so I never have. My current method is to use one stationary hand to handle the left third of the keyboard, the thumb and forefinger of the other hand to handle the other two thirds. I was once told by a doctor that this is what has saved me from carpal tunnel syndrome -- evidently, hunt and peck is far healthier, in the long run, than the approved "professional" method. It doesn't strain the wrists nearly as much.

And now, I gently provide the guest list of the WORST DINNER PARTY EVER (with help from folks in my newsgroup):

All of these guys are sitting opposite you.

You start with Homer Simpson, just to provide the baseline. He's there at the end of the table, scooping the food into his mouth while making animalistic grunting noises. You won't get a word of conversation out of him until he has completely cleaned his plate, but that's okay: when he DOES speak, anything he says will be inane.

Next to him we have Vernon Dursley, from the Harry Potter novels, who is here just to carry his share of the conversation. (Some of the others will be too busy consuming food to speak.) He's endlessly droning on about industrial drills, in between red-faced fits of rage at the oddness of the people sitting next
to him. Were we to have an extra seat, we'd also invite his son Dudley, whose table manners are worse, but we already have enough in the realm of vile eaters, in the form of the guest sitting next to him.

That's Ignatius J. Reilly, from John Kennedy Toole's A CONFEDERACY OF DUNCES. He has not bothered to take off his coat or his hat with earmuffs. He is shoving one hot dog after another down his gullet, while passing wind and belching and constantly yelling about the downfall of western civilization. He doesn't bother to close his mouth to chew, and pieces of his meal keep spraying the table as he speaks. He is unshaven and rank and unaccountably feels superior to anybody else around him.

Beside HIM is David Cronenberg's Brundlefly, well into his transformation. He vomits acid on the salmon mousse, to soften it so he can pick at it with his rotten and diseased fingers. At least he catches the look on your face and has the courtesy to apologize for being so disgusting. That's something. But then his ear falls into his salad.

Beside HIM is B.O. Plenty, from Chester Gould's Dick Tracy. Waves and waves of sheer stench exude from the man, whose scraggly beard glistens with the leavings of the first course, lentil soup. As always, he is surrounded by flies, not counting the big one.

One is plucked out of the air by the guy sitting next to HIM: Renfield, from Bram Stoker's DRACULA. You had some serious problems when he was sitting next to Brundlefly, but B.O. agreed to intervene. In between insane giggles, he's sucking on small crawley things at the table.

Next to him is the one guy who actually dressed in formal wear for the occasion: fully resplendent in his tux, it's...urp...Mr. Creosote, from MONTY PYTHON's THE MEANING OF LIFE. Empty plates litter the table before him. You avert your eyes and therefore do not get to duck as your side of the table is engulfed by a tidal wave of projectile barf.

Next to him? Two of the nicest, most well-meaning, people here. Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy. Alas, Laurel accidently knocks the water glass in Hardy's lap, Hardy retaliates by smearing butter on Laurel's tie, and before long a food fight of epic proportions has engulfed the table.

That's already nine, exceeding the terms of the competition, but we desperately need a lady. So I nominate ANY ONE OF A THOUSAND CANDIDATES FROM THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF PORN, writhing over there at the end loudly pleasuring herself with a hard roll.

All of which would make for a grim evening.

But you want the worst part? Well, here come the waiters, carrying the hot tureens of goulash: Moe, Larry, and Curly...

Typing
I don't know if it's a mental block or a physical one, or a combination of both, but even after a year of typing class in junior high school, and another three month adult education class on the same skill 15 years later (but that was mainly to get next to a certain young woman who was also taking the class), I still cannot touch type. All I can manage is my two index fingers, and thumbs for the space bar, looking at the keys all the way. That applies to manual keyboards, electric ones, and computers. Sad but true.

Before logging off for today, I would like to thank Harlan for kindly answering my question about his reading speed. It's so easy for us to bombard him with questions, but just think of having to be the one person who's expected to answer all the queries. We really should be grateful that he answers as many as he does. I know that I am.

Odell, Party of Six

Dietary considerations aside, my five choices for dinner:

Saint Germain

The Marquis De Carabas

Ed'Rashtekareskey (Ed for short)

Dorian Gray

Elric of Melnibone

The Chair...

Ah, yes. The Chair.

You'll see.


The Chair.


MWAHAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHAA!

to expound on pounding the keys
Harlan and others, thanks for the sympathies.

On typing - I learned to touch type on a manual in high school nearly 25 years ago and have since. I almost literally "pound" the keys, as my fingers were already muscular from their development in my musical endeavours prior my sophomore typing class. I have typed on typewriters and a fair variety of keyboards over the years. I have, for nearly 10 years, primarily done my typing on a curved ergonomic keyboard with right-side inset touch pad (actually, due to a bout repeptive motion tendonitis in my shoulder which was corrected by that change, and has never recurred). I also type on a laptop. At work I have generally had adjustable desks, monitors, and nice ergonomic chairs with adjustable heights and positions for the arms - which I try to keep positions to support my arms. I've really no clue why this would have developed now, other than just general wearing down over time and age!

Also, a wee clarification (wasn't apparent in my earlier posts). I don't appear to have CTS (at least, not yet). The preliminary diagnosis is a form of tendonitis akin to tennis elbow. The longer my symptoms present, the more I tend to agree. I did a wee bit of research on CTS symptoms and my own don't tend to match - my pain is primarly in the areas just below (mostly) and above (sometimes) the elbow. Nothing in the wrists or fingers really and a single "tingly" episode.

best to all...

Cheers
Peg

The Fab Five
My dinner companions? Let's see ...

ELMER GANTRY: In the great holy-hollerin' tradition of Billy Sunday and Oral Roberts. Nothing like an honest con man. I still hope to start my own religion; so ... who better to advise me?

MYRA BRECKINRIDGE: The camp vamp. Knows a lot about movies. Praise the Lord and pass the dildo ... NOT!

ZORBA THE GREEK: The life of the party. Levendis!

LUCIFER: "Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven." The ultimate iconoclast. "So, Luke, what's God REALLY like?"

TOM JOAD: A lot of people think that Oklahoma is just one big Joad family. I must admit, they've got a point. Anyway, no matter how rough-hewn his manner, ol' Tom is a populist, a man of the people. Pardon me while I play "Red River Valley" on my harmonica.

Mark N'Harlan -

As I sit here my hands are positioned steadily on the keyboard with my elbows nestled at the base o'mah ribs. Thumbs are set on the spacebar where they can be alone together. I learned to type that way and have done so since, though I do get lazy at times about the way my wrists are set. So far I've been lucky; perhaps in part because I too am a strong s.o.b., with lotsa reinforced tendon n' muskle. But you make a good point about the machines: I wuz raised on computer keyboards, practically, having rarely even used an electric typewriter. I don't believe I ever so much as TOUCHED a manual. The difference could be a real one.

Thus far, I've had more to worry about when jockying the MOUSE too damn much. That can REALLY fuck up your wrist. I still have the brace I used from the year of heavy computer game addicton.

...the LISTS...oh, YES...the LISTS:

The 5 Favorite Dinner Guests:

Rotwang
Blanche DuBois
Edward Morgan Blake - The Comedian
Colonel Kurtz
Quarlo

Those I Would Never Invite:

Little Lord Fauntleroy
Miss Emily Grierson
Sammy Glick
Bartleby The Scrivener
Dr. Septimus Pretorius

ROB: For what it's worth, I think Harlan's point about typing with two fingers and thumb is the answer to why he avoided the dreaded CT. When on this here computer keyboard, I'm eight digits across and touch typing like the way Mrs. Murphy taught me in typing class when I was seventeen. And after just a little time spent typing, I can feel it in the muscles all up my forearms. Now, when I'm on my manual typewriter, I only use both middle fingers and thumbs for the spacebar. I can pound away for a solid hour and not feel a thing, except slight numbness in my finger pads (but even that has gone away thanks to those Ernie Ball strings on my bass).

I think another part of it has to do with the position of the computer keyboard vs. the position of the typerwriter keyboard. The computer keyboard is relatively flat, whereas the typeriter keyboard is staggered not unlike stadium seats. Something tells me that this too would have an impact on the muscles.

Best,
Mark "Qwert Yuiop" Walsh

"The Chair.

Ah yes, The Chair.

Soon.

Very soon."



Grrrr.

No soup for you.

reading
I read heavily from 9-21, and from about 21 to 25 I could not read anything more than a short short story. I couldn't focus on the words, and I found myself having to read the same line again and again just to comprehend it. I was frightened. I thought I was losing my mind. Gradually, my focus returned and I was finally able to finish longer books.

One strange habit that came out of this is, I tend to read magazines from the back to the front. I have no idea why, but during that awful phase, the only way I could keep up with my periodicals was to read them in reverse.

-Keith

MY FIVE CHARACTERS OVER FOR BREAKFAST
1.THE ALIEN BIRDMAN FROM THE SKY IS BURNING
2. ERNIE TERRANCE, LIFE HUTCH SURVIVOR
3. DR. SUSAN CALVIN, FROM I, ROBOT
4. KLAATU, FROM D.T.E.S.S.
5. PHANTOM, FROM PHANTOM OF THE OPERA

There are more but these five stand out for me.

The Chair.

Ah yes, The Chair.

Soon.

Very soon.

JEFF R.:

I have always read at (what I presume to be) "normal" speed, i.e., neither slowly/painfully nor speedreader/zippy. Plebeian: somewhere in hoi polloi middle. I fer shur am not one of those mutant unspeakables one espies in an airport, one gnarly hand clutching the J.D. Robb paperback and an extended finger of the other hand blurrily moving down line after line at the velocity of a transcontinental rumor.

I've been reading since I was one or two years old -- again, self-taught, autodidact -- and I read every word, neither very fast, nor very slow; though I have never been clocked, and thus have no supportable answer to this query.

I have noticed, though (and am troubled by it, naturally), that in the last three or four years my reading speed, my attention span, and the actual amount of time in which I read ... have decreased measurably. I think it's age. I don't want to harbor the nasty supposition that it is the world around me, and what it serves up. Therewith lies Geezerdom. I'd rather think I'm just reining-in as I grow more stolid.

So, at last level, I really have no valid answer for you, dear kiddo. Sorry.

Yr. Pal, Harlan

JASON DAVIS:

Yes, please. And thank you.

-he

ROB:

Hell, I don't know.

Perhaps...

These are ONLY "perhapses," sans substantiation; mere guesswork; but perhaps...

I was typing with toy typewriters and then a real portable Royal, from about age seven on. I ALWAYS typed, self-taught autodidact, two fingers with thumbs used for the space bar, never learned touch-typing, so the pressures are different across the span of the hand. Started using Olympia office machines and portables EXCLUSIVELY at about, oh, 1953. Never worked on electric machines or pc units that require much lighter touch, thus accentuating the different muscle pressures.

I was on the road, doing physical labor, truck driving, a lot of lifting and schlepping and hauling. Bricklaying, hod-carrying, stone placement, tier alignment by brute movement, etc. Developed extraordinary upper-body strength, enormous Popeye-like forearm musculature ... still extant today.

But thisis just supposition. I have no idea if I could handle the trauma of carpal tunnel. Give Peg my genuine hug'n'kiss sympathy.

Yr. Pal, Harlan

my five
emma peel, dana scully, rick blaine, john h. watson m.d., and cordwainer bird.

the small but powerful bouncer


:: The banner at the top of the cover reads, "Harlan Ellison Cards Frankenstein."


For being underage?

That's a tough one . . . do you rate them on years of concerted animation or age of the parts?

5 Fakes For Breakfast
Five Fictional characters I'd like to break fast with:

YAHWEH (Jehovah, etc): You got 'splainin' to do, Lucy.
APHRODITE: Forget eating...food
YAKKO: 'Cause we'd need a bit of levity (sorry Wakko and Dot -- no room at the table...or the Inn)
HOMER: Even if one could trace him to a mortal being, he'd be no more "real" than Mark Twain (okay, Mark might've been a bit more real)
JESUS CHRIST: Just 'cause people write about you as if you existed, doesn't mean you _did_ exist -- especially if the things you did happened before most people knew how to scratch their name in the sand with a stick (one could use Imhotep as counter argument, but then the question of where the myth begins and the man ends arises -- See Homer, above).

--DTS

5 at My Table and 5 Left on the Stoop
Welcome to my sautéed chicken and broccoli-rice ribspackle:

Dejah Thoris (A Princess of Mars)
Henry Chinaski (yes, there will be plenty of beer)(he better bring his own goddamn date though, cuz I'll be busy fascinating Ms. Thoris)
Mary Russel (Laurie R. King is a nearly-guiltless pleasure)
Olive Oyl (She just NEEDS FEEDING)
Elizabeth Bennett (Mr. Darcy will of course oblige by absenting himself on business)



Welcome to nibble those christless unkillable yuccas out by the curb:

Mr. Collins (another P&P notable, whose suffering only gladdens)
Archchancellor Mustrum Ridcully (I couldn't AFFORD to feed this guy)
SylviaTheCunt (I know too many people exactly like her -- some of whom are in-laws, and all of whom are christian republican conservatives)
David Van Driessen (one of Beavis & Butthead's teachers; gives us REAL hippies a bad name)(plus he'd probably PREFER the yuccas)
The Wendigo (my house is only 800 square feet)

5 more for breakfast...
Peter Parker
Travis McGee
Raoul Duke/ Spider Jerusalem...just to see if they are the same person which I think is likely
Philip Marlowe
Sherlock Holmes

HE in CBG
The April issue of COMICS BUYER'S GUIDE (issue #1627) has arrived in my mail box. The banner at the top of the cover reads, "Harlan Ellison Cards Frankenstein." Unfortunately, the picture accompanying said headline is that of the Frankenstein Monster (Boris Karloff from the 1931 film) and not that of our esteemed host.

Inside, we have an article by HE, himself, on the new , 72-card "Frankenstein Trading Card set from Artbox. In addition, senior editor Maggie Thompson provides a lovely and informative article about HARLAN ELLISON'S DREAM CORRIDOR (with a side-feature on the Dark Horse re-release of the novel "Spider Kiss").

5 Not To Invite
5 not to invite is easy.

1) Homer Simpson (atrocious table manners)
2) Ignatius J. Reilly (from Confederacy of Dunces -- will be farting and belching and indiscriminately yelling throughout meal)
3) Renfield (obvious)
4) Jeff Goldblum as The Fly (will vomit on entree)
5) B.O. Plenty (obvious)

I was trying to think of something that Harlan probably hasn't been asked 50,000 times already. A new question that only requires a very short answer just might get a reply. Having a rough idea of how many books Harlan's read in his life, along with the other things he's done in his time, I can't help but wonder: Harlan, how many words do you read per minute?

What; only five?
Friday Baldwin (Heinlein)--I would say Jubal Harshaw, but ever since I fell in love with her (as deliciously depicted by Michael Whelan) some years before hitting--and being hit by--puberty, I have known she would be a much more scintillating dining companion.
Travis McGee (McDonald)--no explanation necessary.
Doc Webster (Robinson)--while consideration was given to Spider's Jake Stonebender and to Mike Callahan himself, I think the good Doc would be far more fun just to spar verbally with.
And a twofer to round out the party: Nick and Nora Charles (Hammett).
If I can be granted an exemption in taking Nick and Nora as a two-for-one deal, I'd also tap Miles Vorkosigan (Bujold).

Like Adam-Troy, several of my favorite characters are left off: Peter Parker and Jack (Starman) Knight, simply because they're too much like myself; Raoul Duke, because he'd make a mess of things; Archie Goodwin, because he'd be putting the moves on Friday; Joe Gideon (All That Jazz), because he probably isn't all that fun to hang around with; Philip Marlowe, because he'd be too contrary, Toby Peters (S. Kaminsky) and Bernie Rhodenbarr (Block), because they'd feel inadequate in the company; Doc Savage, because he's not exactly a party person; Spider Jerusalem, because ... well, he's something of a prick.

Then there are those who just miss the cut: Tanner (Block again), Alex Delaware (J. Kellerman), Mendoza (Kage Baker), Garibaldi (Babylon 5), Frank Bama (J. Buffett), and lots more.

The Five Characters You Don't Have To Dinner
1- Sauron - He always complains the toast is burnt and the rack of lamb cold. Such a pisscher.

2- James Bond - The last time we invited him he seduced the maid, shot the butler, and complained, insufferably so, about his martini not being stirred.

3- Horrabin The Clown (The Anubis Gates) I think the name sort of says it all. Besdies, does one really want poasty white greasepaint stains all over the irish linen and wool tea cozies?

4- Fagin - Just not our type. After all, he's somewhat Levantine and I don't think he pays those boys minimum wage.

5- The Tic Toc Man - Through an oversight he was on the "A" list for our Winter Solstice bash, and the cad punched THREE cardioplates, then ate all of the watercress sandwiches. The nerve.

Dishonorable mentions to B. O. Plenty, Bizarro Superman and Mr. Mxtyplk.

The Chair
For some reason, I am hoping that it may be a short story, or perhaps a Novella. I find that many authors feel the need to describe every insignifigant detail, not trusting me as a reader use my imagination...or heavens forbid-use my brain to think. I'm relativily new to Harlans Elisions writing-any suggestions on a good place to start?

Nice photo, Steve. Post more soon.

I hope the time your recovery takes is inversely proportionate to the depths of your suffering. Glad you didn't miss out on all you'd planned.

D.

Harlan mentioned in Jan/Feb Creative Screenwriting magazine
Harlan,

Your interview with Ron Moore appears in my wrap-up of Screenwriting Expo 5 in the new issue of Creative Screenwriting magazine. Shall I pop a couple of copies in the post to the HERC address for your archives?

My best to you and Susan,

Jason

Damn
Steve,

It took you, what, all of 4 seconds to take that picture? I thought we'd be up there for an hour with you scoping around for a good view.

I am impressed.

-Keith

My five chocies for dinner

Golias (from John Myers Myers' Silverlock)
Zorba (from Kazantzakis' Zorba the Greek)
Mozart (since someone said we should have entertainment after dinner)
Odysseus
Cevantes

It would be a fun dinner

How about the _worst_ dinner companions?
Try to avoid the obvious ones, like Hannibal Lecter. The most boring, loathesome, creepy or irritating people in literature.

(And I'll leave the sources unspecified, for fun.)

Charles Kinbote
Margaret White
Mr. Joyboy
Colonel Black
Dr. Ned Pointsman

Dinner

Django and Grappelli!!

I'd have dinner with ANYONE if after dinner entertainment was those two.

Mike

My sinus problems are really bad too. I bet Barber may have given me a computer virus. Da, dum, dumm.

Stay well sweetleaf Barber.

------------

My five:

Sherlock Holmes-- I'd ask him why he does cocaine, and if I could try some.

Henry Miller--Sure, he was a real person, but nobody buys that his books are about his real life. I'd prefer that weird person in his books, and how he gets laid so much.

The Scarecrow from the Wizard Of Oz--he just seems like a swell, sweet person--well, he's not really a person, actually, but I digress. But it does help his case. And I prefer dry hand jobs.

James Bond--I need some people killed.

Blood--Cause a boy loves his dog. You know I had to go there.

----------

Bush is speaking out against the hangings in Iraq, where one guy's head actually came off. Murderers cannot tell other murderers not to kill. Don't they teach this in ethics class? I forgot, Skull and Bones makes you dream of sex with dead ancestors, or some such tripe.

My 5 for dinner
Ender Wiggin (Orson Scott Card)
Aiken Drum (Julian May)
Randolph Carter (Lovecraft)
Edmond Dantes (Alexandre Dumas)
Lord Henry Wotton (Oscar Wilde)

I would love to see Henry go at Carter about his dreams while Aiken and Ender could discuss military strategies.

Harlan, if you talk to Neil Gaiman any time soon, tell him to grab something to eat. He is thinner than I have ever seen him.

Of Sinuses, Seattle, and Snow
Steve --

Here's hoping you continue to feel better. Having experienced a "sinus flush", you have my heartfelt sympathies. The experience is worth the relief, though.

*****

Chuck --

My mother's closest and dearest friend lives right outside Denver. Last week, she booked a cruise to the Bahamas for the end of January, citing "I have the money, and I'm tired of these @#%@!! seven-foot drifts in my front yard!". Been there, done that, and agree that Jack Frost has probably overstayed his visit.

My chunk of western Washington is not set up for snow. As soon as the rain turns white, things grind to a halt. We received another 3 inches last night, blessedly less than they were predicting. For our part, there's no sense panicking when we can't get out of our driveway. So long as we keep power, I can't complain. I had my fill of snow during the blizzard of 1976 while we were stationed at Great Lakes. *shiver*

*****

We visited Seattle for an overnight birthday trip with friends this weekend. There was a night of belly dancing to the Brothers of the Baladi (good stuff, look them up at www.baladi.com), and then a trip to Pike Place Market Monday morning and the Museum of Flight Monday afternoon. My husband and the beautiful lady we were celebrating grew up in and around Seattle; it's home to them. Mr. Ellison has shared more than one anecdote about Los Angeles, and his views of New York color some of his best fiction ("The Whimper of Whipped Dogs", anyone?), but I find myself wondering how people can live in such a shoulder-to-shoulder crush, the shops and residences piled one on top of the other like neon cordwood. As a child of the suburbs with roots in the country, the hustle and thrill of city life seems very odd to me. I grew up along well ordered, predictable, boring streets with the occasional corner store and a mall, Generic One-Each, in town. Going to Seattle can be an adventure. Then again, if Seattle is an adventure, Los Angeles and New York may well leave me catatonic.

It was a perfect day to visit Pike Place Market. The view coming down Pine Street was picture postcard perfect -- the market sign in the foreground, West Seattle and a ferry bringing up the rear, the whole scene framed by a winter blue sky. Only die hard marketheads and occasional tourists such as ourselves dared the sunny chill to visit the market. Sunny chill? Yeah, one of those days every breath reminded you spicy food and wintergreen. A local artist in dreadlocks and Doc Martens gave us a tour of his fluorescent views of the Fremont Troll and whaling in Seattle, another chatted about how she found inspiration for her sterling silver jewelry from the view of the Market overlooking the Sound. We reacquainted ourselves with old friends such as Old Seattle Paperworks, Tenzing Momo, and Pike Place Magic Shop (definitely for children of all ages). In Hands of the World we debated whether the goods were poorly made Middle-Eastern crap or a village's livelihood. The peepshow windows of the Wolrd Famous Giant Shoe Museum was a delightful bit of whimsy and reminded me of the better times growing up Mr. Ellison has shared. We sampled anything and everything offered by the food vendors, tried on crushed velvet hats, watched fish fly, and browsed the shelves of the Golden Gouge (otherwise known as Golden Age Collectibles).

The Museum of Flight has a new wing centered on Personal Courage. The bottom floor is dedicated to air combat in WWII, the top floor to these magnificent men in their flying machines during WWI. The best screenplay Oscar for the 1930 production of "The Dawn Patrol" was on display along with the flight coat worn by Errol Flynn in the 1938 production of the same name. The Red Barn is now dedicated to Boeing's early days, including their furniture production business shortly before WWI. The guys were kids comparing the features of the latest and greatest rock'em sock'em toy as they carefully considered the various exhibits. The one downside to the Museum visit is that we didn't have the extra ticket to visit the da Vinci exhibit. Bummer.

If any of the weberlanders are ever in the neighborhood, let me know and I would be happy to share the Sound with you. Mr. & Mrs. Ellison, should either of you find yourselves in the Northwest once again, simply say the word and we can nose around where ever you choose. I can even promise no biting parrots.

Dinner
Dr. Pangloss
Hannibal Lecter
Professor Moriarity
Travis McGee
Archie Goodwin

Breakfast
Clarice Starling
Roxanne Du Chambre
Pat Savage
Death (the Neil Gaiman version)
The Bride (either from Bride of Frankenstein or Kill Bill)

My Five
1) Sherlock Holmes
2) Milady DeWinter (THE THREE MUSKETEERS, Dumas)
3) Rufus T. Firefly (Groucho's character in DUCK SOUP)
4) Susan Calvin
5) Philip Marlowe

These are not necessarily my FAVORITE characters; for instance, despite my admiration for DEATH OF A SALESMAN, I would not invite that depressing lump Willie Loman to any dinner party *I'm* throwing. And I confess that Susan Calvin's there because I'm trying to fix her up (not hard to guess with who) though I wouldn't sit her next to Firefly, as she'd be a natural target. Milady DeWinter is, however, *mine*.

The Road
Someone mentioned The Road. My taste generally runs to the dark side of literature, so naturally I've been reading this book. Cormac Mccarthy's writing strong, his details perfect, his situations harrowing -- images from The Road have invaded my dreams, in an unpleasant way. I encountered a scene last night that was as upsetting as anything I've ever read. Get your hands on this book.

5 fictionals for dinner
Nick Adams
Randolph Carter
Lamont Cranston
Bruce Wayne
Doc Savage...

Sorry, but I'm showing my roots. As a special treat, we'd invite any free members of the Black Widowers and have Henry serve as headwaiter. Sam Spade, Archie Goodwin and the Continential Op would work security and Nero Wolfe would cater at Rusterman's. Archie would also be responsible for providing company...hee hee.

Five Fictional Characters
Whether for dinner or tiffin (and we takes Tiffin pretty durned early hereabouts, podner!) I would have it with these five characters:

Captain Nemo
Captain Ahab
Harlequin
Sir Richard Francis Burton (the PJ Farmer one)
Michael Valentine Smith

Honorable mention to Lazarus Long.

I'd want to have the meal in the Zen garden on the roof of the New Otani hotel in downtown Los Angeles.

Since I am the one in charge of this daydream, we also have invited every member of SFWA to attend, and it's catered by Dar Maghreb. After dinner entertainment by Django Rheinhardt and Stepfane Grappelli.

Oh, and Nemo has to tell us his real name after sampling the liquer's.

KOS

Dinner with 5 Fictional Characters
I'd have dinner with these five folks:

Hari Seldon
Capt. Quint
David Copperfield
Wells' Time Traveller
C. Auguste Dupin

Who would be at your table?

Harlan -

Peg got carpel tunnel from typing her long posts here.

How have YOU made like an ass-blazing Speed Racer on the keyboard all these years, maintaining that amazing count while AVOIDING the Carpel Crisis? What are your own personal tricks?

If anyone here is equipped with the proper advice it HAS to be YOU (as always).

HOW does one avoid this abode of the damned?

thanks


I heard from Mr. Rudnicki over the weekend. Thanks, Harlan.

opinyons and valyuus
Mistur Geenvalt,
About opinyons reguarding wine. Purhaps valyuu of bottal to vich you refur is hunnert dolars only to men and vemmins to vich belly is being full. No?

Cordually,

Borat

The Chair? Another theory...
Y'know, Christie's DID auction off one of the Enterprise's Captain's chairs as part of their massive Star Trek sale back in October...

"THE CHAIR"

Hmmm.

A political thriller regarding the leader of a House subcommittee?
A horror story about a demonic Wingback?
A crime drama centered upon a condemned inmate?
A soap opera tale of the workings within the corporate boardroom?

A young man's gentle recounting of his first trip to the Barber Shop?


Inquiring minds.
___________________________________

East Coast Part Deux -
Doctor says it's a sinus infection, made worse by the flight home. Worst of it was the "ice pick" to my right ear when something inner-ear tore with the pressure change as we landed. Started as the flu, likely, but that would've lasted only a few days. I'm on antibiotics, a steroid, and inhaler. Oh, and this ghastly experience called a "sinus flush". Oversized Water Pic and a sense of drowning. However, overnight a dramatic improvement.

Some of the cool stuff: Meeting both John and Keith. Straight up good guys who we immediately rapped with comfortably. Old friends in five minutes.

The picture opportunity of the Capitol Building (as promised, an early sample: http://www.photosig.com/go/photos/view?id=1913296 ).

A couple of fun nights in NYC (sick or no) attending the Broadway show WICKED (incredible! Goose bumps!); meeting up with Cris' friend bassist John Clayton for a small, late-evening concert in a piano store; a dash down to the Village for dinner at our favorite NYC pizza place (Arturo's); attending my one and only seminar on Jazz and the Visual Arts, whereupon I met trumpeter/photographer Joe Wilson (very nice guy) and jazz photographer David Redfern (somewhat aloof); and, of course, the de rigeur lasagna dinner at my Mom's house.

Thank you all for your nice notes. And Harlan, that makes two stories owed (the other indirectly involving Mr. Walter Matuschanskayasky).

Ahhh. So THIS is what dayight looks like...

What's the most obvious lack of informed opinion? The guy at the wine store. He never drinks it himself, so how does he know what to charge? I've seen wine selling at $17 a bottle that's worth at least $100 more. (It was Chateau Durfort Vivens margeau)

THE ROAD
HARLAN: Don't be surprised if you're deluged with copies of THE ROAD. And believe it or not, I turned in copy of a review of that novel to Subterranean a month or so ago...and just noticed that ON THE BEACH and "A Boy and His Dog" were mentioned. Must be something in the water.
--DTS

Dear Peg:

Thanks for the very kind offer but...I've got a British shop (all praise the Chocolate God)near me.

With very kind regards--Susan

re "The Chair"
I do love a good conundrum. My guess is Harlan has ordered one of these Harkonnen jobs:

http://www.hrgiger.com/chairs.htm

Harlan, about this Chair...
Can we assume that this _doesn't_ have some pervy Japanese guy buried in the stuffing?

The Chair!
Now come on Harlan...that is a tease. We need more information. THE CHAIR...Book, short story, movie, teleplay...give us a clue to when your reading public will know.

Please!!

Jim Argendeli

Brrrrrrrrr......

Duane wrote:

"The outdoor temperature both nights hovered in the mid 30's, and the temp inside my little condo bottomed out at 41 degrees around 5:00 am Sunday morning, when I got up to stumble to the "phacilities." Once I got up, it took about 90 minutes for my central heating to bring the indoor temp up to a normal 72."

Heh. You think you've got it tough? A cold air mass from Pluto has descended on the Rocky Mountain Region, causing daytime temperatures from about six degrees to eleven. When the sun goes down, CO2 will freezed out here. It won't even get up to freezing until Wednesday or Thursday.

Ah, freezing. We'll be having a heat wave, a tropical heat wave...

Chuck

THE CHAIR

It is still coming. It's about ready to happen. I was waiting till sufficiently after the Xmas purging season to purvey this mystery.

Pant on, conundrum-lovers. This one, I promise you, has a gilt-edged provenance not to be believed.

THE CHAIR IS IS IS IS IS IS COMING ! --Harlan

O.J. & M.L.K. & wtf?
I'm going to crosspost something from my Myspace page and two posts from of mine from the Olbermann message board because I'm still pissed about this and need to vent. Not really Harlan related except as a bankshot to the sixties. Sorry.

----------------------------------------------

I would just like to thank cable news, and for that matter most of the rest of the national media for choosing to spend pretty much the entire news day talking about O.J. Simpson.

To every single managing editor in every newsroom in America who decided this steaming piece of shit "story" couldn't wait 24 hours I just want to say...

"Fuck You."

------------------------------------------------------------

I'm responding to a remark about Olbermann not mentioning the national holiday;

Olbermann not mentioning Dr. Martin Luther King isn't simply a sin of omission. Which American black male got covered instead?

O.J. Simpson.

By all means let's open that puss filled wound for ten more minutes. Let's give America O.J. on M.L.K. Day. I would like to personally thank the news editors who decided to run with that story because that couldn't possibly wait one news cycle.

Normally I love Countdown and everything it stands for - but MSNBC (and most other cable news venues for that matter, but we hold COUNTDOWN to a higher standard) really let the country and the memory of Dr. King down by CHOOSING to go with that story instead.

As Keith so often says, "What were you thinking?"

- B.D.

----------------------------------------

This is one of those "forest-for-the-trees" deals. I'm on a few boards with, let's say a similar cultural bias and I waited all day to see if anyone would go off on this. When 9PM rolled around and I saw nobody was beating on this point like a government mule I let loose.

I don't mind trading panda footage for extra-long Olbermann comments. It's a win/win because the Panda has now become meta-humor in addition to "required" circus-comes-to-town/cat-rescued-from-tree/weatherman-rides-a-sea-tortoise pap. But if there was ever a story that could wait, this would be it. Tomorrow O.J. and his handlers and publishers will still be ambulatory scum but the National Day of Remembrance will be all but forgotten.

And boy does it pain me to start here with this because normally I have nothing but love and respect for this show. As much as television can engender those sorts of feelings.

- Barney Dannelke

Question posed on the forum.
I've asked for some advice from all you mad typists and computer junkies over on the forums... appreciate any suggestions you may have.

Susan - I'm off to the UK for a week or so this weekend. Any British goodies you'd like, let me know and I'll see if I can smuggle them back through customs for ya. ;-)

Thx,
Peg

Patron's attention, please.
Susan, thank you much. You'll see my check soon.
Harlan, whatever happened to THE CHAIR? Did i miss something or is that still in the works? Recover in haste.
Curiously yours,
Paul

“The Road is a postatomic apocalypse novel as we’ve never seen one before, a black book of wondrous paragraphs that reads as though Samuel Beckett had dared himself to outdo Harlan Ellison.”

–Alan Cheuse, Chicago Tribune

Thanks
Hi everyone,

I've been meaning to stop by and thank the person who posted the recipe for marble cake squares, sometime around Thanksgiving. I made them for christmas dinner at my in-laws and they were loved by all :) So thanks!
I also appreciate all the author suggestions folks here gave me a few months ago. I've been getting all the ones I can find in audio form at my local library (as I have 2 hours commute daily), and I haven't been disappointed yet.

Hey Steve, get well soon!

Regards,
Dima

not a stegosaurus, Harlan
It's a rhinovirus, and therefore comes from a rhinoceros. Not, as you say, a stegosaurus.

sheesh.

-keith

(And Steve, it was great to finally meet you and Cris! Don't get too near Harlan; he's by now just a pawn of the desperate virus.)

SNURFFLING PHLEGM--FESTOONED REPLIES

DAVID LOFTUS:

Passed on your home phone number to one Stefan Rudnicki as you requested.

RE: JAMES BLISH:

He may be (tragically) only known to some as the author who put the Star Trek scripts into narrative short story form in a series of books for Bantam, but for those of us who were privileged...no...HONORED to call him friend and mentor, he will ALWAYS be one of the most important writers who ever lived.

CHARLIE:

You remember correctly. Not only the NPR review of Cormac McCarthy's THE ROAD compared it to my work, but at least three other reviews have done the same. Someone can wait till May and give me a copy as a birthday present, he hinted broadly.

BARBER:

Welcome back, and welcome to The Wonderful World of Low Fever Never-Ending Flu whereat I've domiciled now for going-on-two-months. Remind me to tell you about how it is your, my, and much of the entire West Coast's suffering from these new strains of flu germs came to be. You, my chum, are suffering from a cold given to you by a stegosaurus.

When next we clack claw, I'll explain all. Hi, Cris, baybee.

Yr. Pal, Harlan

Re: The Road...I heard a review about it a month or two ago on NPR and the reviewer, and I'm paraphrasing, if my memory serves me well, compared the novel to the best of Harlan Ellison's work.

I must second someone's earlier opinion with a big, bold, extra-sized font "second"; Cormac McArthy's THE ROAD is a devastating end of mankind novel. It is a quick read (I started it at a hotel in Cleveland, couldn't put it down until I had to head to the airport, and then finished it halfway through my flight...which is when I then picked up Malzberg's DESTRUCTION OF THE TEMPLE), and it is an easy read....but it does not leave an easy feeling in your gut.

A man and his young son. No names. Walking toward the coast amidst a silent, destroyed landscape, fighting starvation and trying to avoid the few living men and women left. Just a man and his young son. You won't put it down, and you won't want to when you finish it.

-TODD

Hey Steve,

What helps me is to sleep with the window open. This weekend would have been a perfect time!!

Just kidding.

Of course, I actually DID sleep with my windows open Friday and Saturday night. The outdoor temperature both nights hovered in the mid 30's, and the temp inside my little condo bottomed out at 41 degrees around 5:00 am Sunday morning, when I got up to stumble to the "phacilities." Once I got up, it took about 90 minutes for my central heating to bring the indoor temp up to a normal 72.

Then there was the time in college when my roomate and I decided to do the same thing, but this was in the Rockies. My poor roomie woke up with 4 inches of snow on his blankets.

(You see, I'm crazy.......)

Tom Galloway: Thanks for the correction! That was a silly mistake. As you point out, Elliot S. Maggin, Curt Swan and Murphy Anderson created that truly classic Superman story, and it should be properly remembered.

My appreciation,

Steve Dooner

locus
barney-i have some locuse? locii? whatever, out in my shed. if you send me issues #'s and i have them,they're yours. you can send the list to my po box listed earlier. also,anyone wanting to give some warren and kitchen sink spirits a home-we can talk trade. does anyone out there,besides clive barker, still write long hand ? if so, what works for you if you don't like fountain pens? i've favored the waterman laureat and the mont blanc quickpen. i do have a waterman rollerball-not sure of the make-that i had harlan, steve king, norman mailer and fritz leiber use to autograph books and they all said, "great pen". of course, i,m afraid to have it leave my desk. lots of good mojo in there. as always, i remain, obedirntly yours.

Flying

I was the only passenger on a flight in Viet Nam. The first time I looked out the window the branch of a tree went by. It turned out that one of the two engines was dead and there wasn't enough power to gain altitude. So the whole flight was made 40 feet above the ground.

*whimper*
Just a short note this beautiful Monday morning to rejoin the fracas. We arrived home last evening from our little Eastern Seaboard sojourn that was anything but a real treat for yours truly.

Misters Cramer and Greenawalt were terrific hosts and have our sincerest thanks. (I will post, in a few days, some of the shots).

Sadly, as Mr. Greenawalt may attest, I was beginning to lay very low on Wedsnesday last, and contracted the nastiest form of flu. No romping around the city for me, no mad-dash photoshoots in between the jazz concerts and lectures, no communing with the coolest of cool jazz cats all gathered together in one place. Just some very dark days spent trying to sleep, and hoping it would "go away" by the time I'd waked.

I'm waiting for a callback from my doctor this morning to see if she can squeeze me in. One piece of advice: if you have a sinus problem DO NOT, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, fly.

Time to go look back at the board and see what I've missed. I'll share the cool things, limited as they were, later in the week. Again, prfound thanks to Keith and John. Your courtesies were much appreciated.

Superman
Jor-El knew our national colors because he'd been observing Earth for quite a while, and even had an American or two visit (heck, in one story he's responsible for Jonathan Kent and Martha Clark becoming engaged).

Steve, as for "3. It was in the mid 1960s when Denny O'Neil and Neal Adams first pointed out the problems with having "Super" men solve all our problems for us.", 'fraid you're misremembering "Must There Be A Superman"'s credits. It was written by Elliott S! Maggin (his second published comics work) and drawn by Curt Swan and Murphy Anderson. It was in Superman #247, just after the Denny O'Neil revamp issues with Neal Adams covers (but not interiors), thus I suspect the confusion.

Superman & Crass Nationalism


I remember an op-ed piece in the Rocky Mountain News which said, in essence, Superman had to be a pinko along with his creators because he never fought communism.

Proving once again that you can take anything and read anything you want into it.

The Bible, Superman, Wizard of Oz, Blondie, even the back of a cereal box.

Do I smell blueberry muffins?

Chuck

Frank,

1. How is "Yellow" one of the national colors of the U.S.? Superman's colors are red, yellow and blue, not red, white and blue. He and Spiderman (who actually is red, white and blue), are depicted in PRIMARY COLORS. As are Dagwood and Blondie, Popeye and Olive Oil and a thousand others.

2. You've neglected the "boring" factor, which shows that you obviously don't read Superman comics. The book has been unsparingly boring for a long time. Saying Superman represents crass nationalism is like saying the weather channel represents crass nationalism. I expect my nationalism to be much more energetic.

3. It was in the mid 1960s when Denny O'Neil and Neal Adams first pointed out the problems with having "Super" men solve all our problems for us. Harlan also wrote a Batman story built around this same concept: "The Night of Thanks But No Thanks," which I am sure you are aware of. So what's your point?

With giggles in return,

Steve Dooner

Contend, not condend. Blush.

Actually, belief is not mindless, since the scientific method cannot be used as a basis for discounting what someone believes. Sure, you can believe something based on the fact that you cannot see God in the natural world, but it doesn't answer the questions as to the mysteries we cannot solve, either with science or with rationalism in its most intact form.

Irrationality is a matter of debate and reason. In that realm you cannot condend differing views. But, you can also be challenged to those views. That is the basis for a democratic dialogue in any context.

---------

DO COMIC BOOKS PROMOTE CRASS NATIONALISM?

A Frank Church rationale.

Ok, hear me out--you have these comics, like Superman and Batman, where the good guy has to protect the masses from some outwardly evil that is coming to destroy us and our way of life. Superman is full of this. The crass nationalist taint of this is obvious; from his patriotic uniform to his good guy chin and looks. We cower under our beds as some evil force comes to attack Metropolis and the surrounding world. Has this and other pop culture artifacts been used by powers in our government and culture to promote said nationalist taint? This black and white world is or was the centerpiece to this kind of artform.

I am not implying that Superman is evil. We have a need to see evil vanquished by good. I was just getting the wheels greased. You have to admit there are good points to be made on my side.

And how the hell did Krypton know what the national colors of the American Republic were? Huh.

Cross swords with me if you will, but you know I am right. Giggle.

The End of Everything
For shame -- nobody appears to have mentioned James Blish's "Cities in Flight" tale, where SPOILER ALERT a not-so-small band of humans roaming the Universe hangs around long enough to witness (however briefly) the Big Suck.

Has Blish truly become "that guy who wrote the first 'Star Trek' anthologies"?

periodicals
Jeff asks, "Curious what science magazines, either print or online, everyone reads, or for that matter any other magazines."

Wired
Food Arts
Smithsonian
Foreign Affairs
National Geographic
Chile Pepper Magazine
Lehigh Valley Magazine
Lehigh Valley Living
Philadelphia Magazine
Berks County Living
Bucks County Magazine
Deadwood Magazine (published by the town of Deadwood)
The Comics Journal (which I frequently despise)
Comic Book Artist
The Sotheby Catalogs
The Baumann Catalogs
Green Car Journal
Backpacker
Saveur
Pennsylvania Pursuits
Wine & Spirits Quarterly
on*earth
Food & Wine
The Wilson Quarterly
The New York Times Sunday Paper (for the NYTBR and Magazine)

There are a lot of genre type magazines like LOCUS and F&SF and WIZARD and CEMETARY DANCE and WEIRD TALES that I have on again/off again subs to. There were also things like the Twainian which stopped publishing and became on-line entities.

Up until a few years ago I'd have had to also include many MANY Marvel and DC comics and perhaps another dozen or so independents but I made a conscious decision with Amazing Spider-Man #500 and Cerebus #300 to stop there so that my collection mostly encompasses the period from 1959 to whenever that was. Forty years of anything is enough.

Incidentally, a regular here was kind enough to gift me with about 75 back issues of LOCUS which allowed me to complete about 60% of the entire run. Still Looking for most of the run below #200. If you have runs of SF or Fantasy or other genre 'zines that you don't want to sell on eBay - but think are too nice to toss, LMK. All I pay is postage but at 47 I've found I've become a bit of an elephants graveyard for some middle tier SF/Fantasy material. I'm not asking for signed HC 1sts. Keep those, sell those, give 'em to your kids. All I'm saying is if you have some old WSFA journals or SFWA material that you were going to toss - drop me a line. I am particularly interested in LOCUS type 'zines that have to do with a history of the genre. Horror as well because there is so much crossover.

I never re-sell this stuff but I do sometimes redistribute. I'm sending pulp stuff on to a fellow building a pulp/Doc Savage/Lester Dent museum in La Plata for instance. Just FYI.
Any questions feel free to hit my e-mail.

- Barney Dannelke

Magazines
Reader Jeff asked, "Curious what science magazines, either print or online, everyone reads, or for that matter any other magazines."

I had subscriptions to Omni and Future Life, back in the day. (When I was in high school the teacher teaching the elective course in SF that I was taking brought in an issue of Omni. The mag contained the first published story--I believe--written by her sister, authoress Nancy Kress.) I was picking of The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction (when HE's movie column was running there) and the Twilight Zone newsstand magazine.

These days I have a subscription to Realms of Fantasy.

the usual sloppiness


Frank:

It's The Book of Revelation.

No "s."

We atheists have to be extra well-informed to fight the slide toward mindless belief. . . .

Josh, Charnel House will be publishing The Glass Teat and The Other Glass Teat as one HUGE volume to be published this year in a numbered and lettered edition.

David

Robert Hubbard & Alex Jay Berman, thank you for the Alan Moore recommendations.

Curious what science magazines, either print or online, everyone reads, or for that matter any other magazines.

Reader Jeff

Islets and Pocky-lips
Barney: Aw shucks. Thanks.

End of the World and We Know It discussion: My nominee is Russell Hoban's "Riddley Walker." Challenging, haunting, and original. One of the few books (like "The Glass Teat") that I re-read immediately after the first time through.

More info: http://www.ocelotfactory.com/hoban/riddley.html

Zuz

(Playfully) I'll take the two ends of the spectrum on the end-of-tthe-world discussion; Richard Wagner;'s "Gotterdamerung" and Doug Adams "Restaurant at the End of the Universe"

To Paul and SF:

Here is the full I HAVE NO MOUTH game ordering info--

Game (PC or MAC) $32.00.
S/H $5.00.
California Tax (if needed) $2.64.
Please make check payable to: The Kilimanjaro Corporation.
Send to: The Kilimanjaro Corporation, c/o HERC, Post Office Box 55548, Sherman Oaks, CA 91413-0548.

All best--Susan

To answer your question:

Yes, The I HAVE NO MOUTH game (PC or MAC) is still $32.00 plus s/h.

Thanks--Susan

Surprised nobody mentioned the book of Revelations. Sure, it has been used and abused by some debased crazies, but so has some secular art. Maybe it is the fact that most of you here are going to hell, that may be it.

Dancing in the flames, shaking his weenie, free.

------------

Josh, happy birthday there kitten. Hope the ash of man stays off your front porch.

Write A History Of Love, let the violins resound. May love and peace drive you to the gravy boat.

Larry Niven, "Lucifer's Hammer"
Greg Bear, "Blood Music"
Spider Robinson, "Stardance" trilogy

Like Clarke's "Childhood's End", Robinson's and Bear's works are more about metamorphosis than destruction.

Josh and the end of the world
*** Josh *** Do let us know if it works in airports. I'd have gleefully used it in Atlanta and a few other airports last year when I found myself walking past hundreds of television all tuned to Fox. I'd also like to know who gets to decide the default news channel in a ginormous venue like that.

And if you catch Harlan watching a Judge Judy re-run use it in his house and call it an intervention. See what he does. Get back to me on that when you can push the numbers on a phone again. ;-)

------------------------------------------------------

You guys and gals are doing just fine on the "End of the World" novels thread so I'm just going to toss in one;

A FRIEND OF THE EARTH by T. Coraghessan Boyle

It's not his best novel (that would be WATER MUSIC) but it's a VERY GOOD novel that takes a slightly skewed approach to this sub-genre that might be unique and is certainly worth mentioning.

- Barney

What would be a suitable gift for Harlan?

A suitable gift is one that goes with a suit. I'm saving to buy him a thousand dollar tie. It's cut velvet sprinkled with diamond chips. Be patient. It will take many years to raise that much cash.

Thanks to everyone for the lovely birthday wishes. Thanks, also, to Harlan and Susan for the absolutely mind boggling gift. Words fail me, a not uncommon occurrence....

In the spirit of giving, I'd like to pass all of you onto this site. They offer a product that, if it works, is the greatest invention of the last five years, and I say that three days after Steve Jobs showed us the - pant pant, drool drool - iPhone.

Buy one of these. Use it everywhere. I know I will. (Hey! If anyone's gonna reprint The Glass Teat any time soon, maybe they could give away one of these with every copy!)

http://www.tv-b-gone.com/

End of the world fiction

Cormac McCarthy - THE ROAD

Read it and be haunted.

Stories and a question for Susan
I usually find it quite hard to pin down the fave, so i usually just send forth really good ones, thinking they'll be recognized and/or searched out.
------------------------------------------
On the subject of Alternate Universe-ish stories, William Tenn has done much of course, but a little story I like is BROOKLYN PROJECT, written somewheres around '48 i think. Just a lark, nothing heavy, but it encapsulates everything about the idea of changing something in the past. Simple and straightforward, and it's a nice smile at the end.

I'm a Sherlock Holmes pastiche reader and there are so many 'Holmes-as-real-person' books i probably don't need to mention them. I think we know Nick Meyer does a good job, and a well-worn book in my library is Michael Dibdin's THE LAST SHERLOCK HOLMES STORY (1978). No real surprises in the plot but the character interplay is classic Doyle. Jack the Ripper truth and myth as well as wonderful and far too little footnotes. I understand Dibden is something of a famous crime writer. To be perfectly honest, i don't read much "crime", and i've never read anything else he has written. My taste runs more to Elmore Leonard and Gregory McDonald.
------------------------------------------

Bob's End of the World Fiction~ Tons come to mind, but nothing for just the sheer multiplicity of ideas and the manic Malzbergian juggling of whacked scenarios like CAT'S CRADLE. I don't care what anyone says, Vonnegut Jr. is stone good at that writing gig.
MIDNIGHT GRAFFITI ran EMERALD CITY BLUES by Steven R. Boyett in... hell, i dunno, my mags are all gone and checking the paperback-- gives copyright in 1989. I came of age in the '80's during Reagan's reign, MAD, all that, and this is a great broken mirror in which to view those times. In my humble, i put it in capital letters as One Of The Great Speculative Fiction Stories of the 20th Century. I have about 50 of those, and they change about as frequently as Hathor's signature line. Thumbs up.
=========================

Apropos of nothing, I brought another to tears with a reading of Ellison and Zelazny's COME TO ME NOT IN WINTER'S WHITE. It's difficult to find someone to collaborate with (i'm not opposed to it at all, it simply so danged hard to find that link, that mesh. I've plowed that field a dozen times, found fruit barely twice. It's a hard row to hoe and i'm amazed at those who can) and when it's done well, it is a treasure. Man, this story is so righteous. Figuratively, not religiously...unless your religion is compassion. An elegiac carefully shaped into something greater than the sum. Damn nice work.
----------------------
About Jan. 3rd/4th, I was walking past a tv- true story- and VH1 or somesuch was doing the 100 greatest tv moments of all time thing. #28~ the denouement of The City On The Edge Of Forever.
Res ipsa loquitur.
==========================

Susan, i see that HERC still has I HAVE NO MOUTH, AND I MUST SCREAM: THE GAME, at least according to the link here. I too am asking if there are playable games available, if they're still $32.00, etc.

Ummm...Blue Monkeys? I have a new Imac.....the game should play on here....if it's Macintosh....ummm....right?
Thanks very, very much and alot, one and all, for any information you have,
Paul

I first came across Mr. Ellison's work when I was about 12 or 13, (I'm 41 now)it wasn't readily available out in rural Ohio,Kentucky or West Virginia where mine are from, I don't know how I got my first book, but I had to order them after that. I'd just like to say that being raised by a couple of fundamentalists christians, and living with a psycho drug dealing brother, if it hadn't been for the bigger world Mr. Ellison gave me, I wouldn't have made it. I haven't picked up an Ellison book in some years, but my memories of his works are almost as vivid now as when I first read them. Thanks.

End O' The World As We Know It
Primary fave "end of the world" fiction:

Short fiction category -

"Adam and no Eve" by Alfred Bester.

"Thunder And Roses" by Theodore Sturgeon

"Inconstant Moon" by Larry Niven

"Heirs of the Perisphere" by Howard Waldrop

"The Deathbird" by some Old Jewish Guy in the LA hills.

Novel category -

"Childhood's End" by Arthur C. Clarke

"The City and the Stars" (the original story, I think this is the one, not the fifties rewrite/expansion) by Arthur C. Clarke

"Davy" by Edgar Pangborn (I know, I know, actually a post-apocalypse story. It's just good enough and close enough I have to include it. Pangborn was a genius).


I started going to SF con's in the mid-seventies, and the history of SF was right there walking and talking around me. I remember seeing in ONE PLACE in ONE AFTERNOON/EVENING:

Robert Heinlein, Virginia Heinlein, Alfred Bester, Jack Williamson, Joe Haldeman, L. Sprague de Camp, Catherine Crook de Camp, R. A. Lafferty, Philip Jose' Farmer, Robert Silverberg, Terry Carr, Sam Moskowitz, Donald Wollheim, Betsy Wollheim, Wilson "Bob" Tucker, Frederik Pohl, Larry Niven, Jerry Pournelle, Rusty Hevelin, William Rotsler, Hal Clement, Frank Herbert, Poul Anderson and Gordon R. Dickson.

Alfred Bester talked to me, one on one, like I -mattered-. A man who could create on a level the best can equal but not surpass, and he was so human and so interested in someone who just wanted to say "thanks".

Kind of like being able to grow up wondering what the planets are really like, and then actually being part of the only generation to both wonder what they are like and then actually find out the truth through Pioneer, Voyager, Galileo et. al. Wonderful times.

KOS

KOS

End of the world fiction?
"Swan Song" by Robert McCammon. Not only is it a helluva read, he creates characters worth caring about, whether primary or secondary, like them or not. Paul's death is one of the most memorable character deaths I can recall.

Sandra

Barney,

I brand myself a boorish spoiler, and shrivel up in shame.

Apologies to all.

On the other hand, to anyone thinking about reading “The Destruction of the Temple”, Kennedy gets his brains blown out in the first sentence of the book. I may have spoiled a delicious realization-of-the-pun moment, but trust me: there is plenty more meat to justify a read.

Barney, of course, my "bit" thank you was meant to be a "BIG" thank you.

Destruction of the Temple. Love it! Yowza!

-TODD

Destruction Of MY Temple
Barney, a bit thank you for your posting on The Destruction Of The Temple the other day. By coincidence, I finally got around to reading that Malzberg classic last month. I can't believe I did not pick up on the title. I must be losing it!

Perfect! Perfect!

-TODD

Hey-- Great news everyone. That missing boy I was telling you about, Ben Ownby, has been found alive in an apartment in Kirkwood, Missouri. Even more amazing, he was found with a boy who has been missing for almost five years, Shawn Hornbeck. Police arrested the man who the apartment belongs to. That's all they are saying now.

Thanks, Chris

"A Canticle for Leibowitz" is, in my opinion, a classic because of the theme that civilization can be completely wiped out then fully restored, given enough time.

Thanks for the Memory
It was the early 80's and I was an awestruck 27 year old fan of Harlan's and walking into Camera One in downtown San Jose, where Harlan was being honored at the first ever San Jose Science Fiction Film Festival as the Artist Guest of Honor.

I walked into the lobby, and there he was! Just standing and minding his own beeswax. I fumfawed about and walked up offering my hand and saying some fawning thing like... "Hi Mr. Ellison...I just want you to know I'm a big fan...and you're my favorite writer of all time". Of course this was true, but still... this was the enfant terrible... would he turn away, offer a viscious rejoinder, what...

Well, Harlan was the epitome of graciousness saying something like, "What a nice thing to say, Thank you." and then, drumroll please...Harlan extended his styrofoam cup of water and asked, "Would you like a sip of water?"

It's the only interaction I've ever had with you Harlan, and having just found your website and this repository, I thought I'd share this old story and thank you again for being so nice in that brief exchange (long forgotten by you), but a very nice memory for me.

And while other writers come and go and I have LOTS of favorites, now that I'm 50 (the birthday you were celebrating on that San Jose weekend so long ago), I'm stuck in my ways and opinions and so your stuck being my favorite author, whether you like it or not!

So thank you again for our interchange from so long ago and all the wonderful stories, essays, rants, Geo commercials, screenplays, audio recordings, and sticking by your guns no matter what. An inspiration to all of us with the brains and perception to understand and the luck to have hitched a ride on your trainride.

Brad Blake
San Jose

p.s. If you're ever up in NorCal, and looking for a witty, rambunctious, stimulating and enjoyable dinner, my wife and I would gladly host. Pam was in the same lobby with me long ago and by my side when you left your indelible impression...

harlan and h.g. wells
barney- i hope i wasn't sounding negative about your words. i,ve been corresponding with howard waldrop for the last two years and his point, when a jack williamson dies, is that you could go to cons back in the day and the history of the field would be there. ( a few years back i started a short story about an 11 year old harlan ellison going to london after winning a kite flying contest and sharing a cab with h.g. wells-who lived until 1946. i haven't decided to finish it or hook it onto my h.g.wells-orson welles-willis o'brien war of the worlds at rko novel. decisions, decisions.) as always, i remain, obediently yours.

How do I love Harlan? Let me count the ways: One….

Of COURSE I shoplifted and masturbated my way through my early teens. You didn’t?

At a loose end in downtown Clinton, Iowa, on a blindingly blazing mid-summer day in 1975, I leaned my bike against a parking meter and sauntered into Guzzardo’s Books & Stationery with a studied nonchalance, and in fairly short order, had a Oui magazine up the back of my shirt. I remained in the store for a spell, examining Street Chopper and a couple other motorcycle magazines (it was a phase) and OH-so-soaking-up the air conditioning. When I’d stopped dripping sufficiently to be able to stand still without creating a puddle of funky saline, I un-hurried out the door and up 5th Avenue South a few storefronts, to the dim, fly-speckled sadness of Allen’s Tea Room, bought a big glazed doughnut, a crème-filled long john with chocolate frosting, a custard Bismarck, and a Coke. Dripping dark spots of sweat onto the brown paper bag-o-donuts, an incipient and ever-ready boner already stirring, I hustled back to my bike and zipped around the corner and up the alley to the secluded, guano-caked (but shady!) fire escape of the Capri Theater’s balcony, and rubbed one out. The centerfold, I remember, was a close-up of a young lady removing a beaded necklace from a very novel storage place indeed.

Snarfing pancreas-blitzing hyper-sweet pastries, I leafed through the magazine. I remember an article near the front introducing me for the first time to the wonders of Tourette’s Syndrome. After cuffing the carrot again (it’s a wonder there’s anything LEFT of it, really), I ran across The 3 Most Important Things in Life. Holy god.

I was dimly familiar with Harlan’s name at age thirteen; I’d encountered his work in an anthology or three. I think the first story of Harlan’s that his name ever stuck to in my head was Life Hutch. Newly self-introduced to the SF genres only a couple of years previous, I’d dived into the wallow and consumed everything I encountered indiscriminately: Asimov I knew; Silverberg I knew; Clarke I could spot effortlessly, opened to any random page; I’d eventually grow to be able to SMELL Bradbury, but in those days, all his stuff was always checked out of the library. Everybody else – Niven, Pohl, Tiptree, LeGuin, Anderson, Sturgeon, Ellison – traded prominence more or less weekly in the whack-a-mole of Authors I Really Really Dig, Man.

But that story…that story. Did I love it? Let me put it this way: before the computer age, a teen’s porn stash, if hidden in the house, was invariably constrained by a limitation of space beyond which concealment was impossible, and as such, as additions were obtained, ruthless culling was required; I eventually had to toss that issue of Oui into the communal stash found in any wooded area where young boys congregate. No big; I had sweated through the last seven or eight pages while carrying it up the back of my shirt anyway, and it got a little wrinkled and manky.

But first, I cut out the pages of The 3 Most Important Things in Life and stashed ‘em in my nightstand, folded into a World Wide Beer Can Collectors newsletter, where they remained for years until I joined the Science Fiction Book Club and got a copy of Stalking the Nightmare for free-plus-shipping.

End of the World Fiction?
No question, "Earth Abides". marvelous.

And "Day of the Triffids" by Wyndam. Always loved that one.

-Steve. E.

How fun was it to watch Condolskeezer Rice get the axe from so many Senators? The same Senators that would drink her bathwater a mere years ago. Ah, the polls have a fix on the sundial for these mookers. Well, seeing Condolskeezer get hammered was still loads of fun. The surge will be about as much fun as monkeypuss injected into oreos.

Iran seems to be on the docket, as is our sanity.

Duck.

------------

I can't believe I am on the same side as Jimmy Carter. I don't even like peanuts, for Christ's sake. The guy gets hammered by the Jewish lobby and the media plays pokey.

Don't let em bring you down Jimmy. Leep smilin.

---------

Bjork may be the greatest jazz singer ever.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=qp-F6hKStc4&mode=related&search=

***Duane*** got it. funny.

***Mike Zuzel*** In case I haven't said it in awhile - you're page rocks. And I do appreciate how you've kept it up over the years. Great job.

*** Lee *** I went through a little trouble trying not to give the game entirely away on that one on the off chance that someone would seek that out. Trust me, nobody loves the guy who gives the ending away - unless you're Peter David and the story is about an ill-fated boat. And although the joke is "sick" in the pure Lenny Bruce sense - like most Malzberg, there are deeper meanings as well.

*** john *** I liked and very much appreciated and agree with the bulk of and tone of your post. I think I do see Harlan's inter-connectedness to the history of the field pretty well but can't prove that here today. I would never suggest Harlan walk away from the memory of a friend. My post was about ...

(I just struck out 4 paragraphs. I'm gonna sit on my hands for awhile.)

- b

End of the World Fiction
What are the best "end of the world" novels or short stories? My favorite has always been "Lucifer's Hammer" by Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle, because I cared about many of the characters and was rooting for them to survive (especially Harry the Mailman, God bless him, who continues his route). A shade behind is Walter Miller's "A Canticle for Leibowitz" (even though that starts post-Deluge, I still put it in this category).

How about you?

Our Little Miss
A tip for all Webderlanders, both chronic and acute (I know, we're all cute):

If you're looking for a particular HE story, essay, forward, fulmination or eructation, you might visit the "Tables of Content" page at the Islets of Langerhans:

http://www.islets.net/contents.html

Therein you'll find, assembled with loving care and no guarantee of complete accuracy, the titles of every story, chapter and section of ALMOST every HE book to date. Until I get around to putting a Google search box on the site, try using the Find function of your browser to track down a particular title. "Our Little Miss" popped forth for me with just three hits of the Return key.

Yours obsessively,

Zeus

A Surging We Will Go
Despite the fact that most of our military brass don't want additional troops thrown into the cauldron of Baghdad, and the fact that the Maliki puppet government doesn't want them, and the fact that many Republican senators and representatives are opposed to the "surge," our Texas Napoleon will have his way.

Waterloo, anyone?

JOSH: Happy Birthday! Hope you got all you wanted, and a few surprises too. Thanks for "A History of Violence." Helluva film.

HARLAN: Aside from your extraordinary talent, and your passionate commitment to various causes, I've always been impressed by the fact that you are willing to communicate with we, the people. You could've removed yourself to a faraway mountaintop, there to observe the foibles of Homo sapiens, Americanus Division, but you chose to walk among us, for which I am grateful. That said, always remember to put your work, and your personal business, ahead of our myriad requests for this, that, or the other thing.

Last but not least, a big Thank You to the unsung hero of this website, Rick Wyatt. Further, deponent sayeth not ...

Hi,

I had a question regarding the I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream PC game available on this website. I went to the forums to ask about it and they suggested I post here asking about it. I'd like to know if it's still available to purchase. I sent an email to the webmaster awhile ago - it should have been mailed, and because I'd rather not post my email address here, please check to see if that email was received. I look forward to your reply.

Thanks,
SF

Chuck Messer
"I'm glad you're fine. I'm fine too. Yes, it's good to be fine."

I got that. That was nice.

Jeez I miss Peter Sellers.

Paul

If it is inappropriate for me to do post this message, I apologize ahead of time. Ben Ownby, 13, white, brown hair, blue eyes, 4ft 10 inches, disappeared after getting off his school bus on Monday at 3:30 p.m. in Beaufort, Missouri. Several witnesses report seeing a white Nissan pickup with a camper shell in the area. This pickup truck was also seen leaving the area around the bus stop at a high rate of speed. Authorities seem convinced that this is an abduction.
I think this upset me so much because this boy is the same age as my daughter. The difference is that she has about seven inches and fifty pounds on this kid.
I can't imagine what horrific images must be going through the minds of his parents.
If any of you travel around, please keep an eye out for this boy. His picture is at www.ksdk.com.
I'm sorry if this is not the appropriate type of message for this board, but I've been lurking for years with an occasional post, and I know you all are amazingly observant. The more people that know Ben Ownby is missing, the more likely he is to be found.
Thanks for letting me do what I can to get the word out.

Chris

Barney,

I assume the reference is to Kennedy getting his brains blown out.

Ya. Sick humor, that.

I JUST WANT TO POINT OUT THAT I'M A HUGE FAN OF E.E. CUMMINGS.

Robert Anton Wilson, R.I.P.
It is being reported at The Beat that Robert Anton Wilson (The Illuminatus Trilogy) has passed away. A memorial will be held in February.

http://pwbeat.publishersweekly.com/blog/2007/01/11/rip-robert-anton-wilson/

t.sturgeon
to barney dannelke-there is a letter to sara murphy in hemingway's collected letters, written after the death of one of her children, where he speaks of sailing on a ship that won't reach shore but how important it is that there are good people on the voyage. leaving aside the immensity of ted's talent i think you underestimate the times that harlan was a part of, that he was in the company of everyone from john campbell and doc smith to ted and ray and isaac. this was a time when what vonnegut calls genre-ism was in full swing and those who were part of the sf community were on a ship where not only was the shoreline not visible but there was barely a sun to shine. you don't forget those days, nor those friends you shared them with. as always, i remain, obediently yours

oh, no
Yvonne De Carlo is no longer among the living. She was 84.

-Keith

request for help in locating Mr. Rudnicki


HARLAN:

If I could request an itsy-bitsy favor . . . could you tell me how to get in touch with Stefan Rudnicki? A mailing address would be sufficient, though a phone or email address would be great, too. I've tried to send emails through various audio publishing Web sites, but nothing happened.

No rush.

More Moore
Reader Jeff...

If you've just read WATCHMEN and V FOR VENDETTA, you might want to pick up FROM HELL, his collaboration w/Eddie Campbell, next.

Other Moore to look for:

THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN, VOL. 1 & 2
TOP 10 and SMAX
PROMETHEA
SWAMP THING

Paragraph 3 dropped an important section
and that was a high stakes post.

should have read;

"Try and remember just for the next couple of paragraphs that I am 47 and not 16 anymore, and that I am also haunted by the memories of dead friends, although, thankfully, not as many, and finally, that I am your friend."

There will be lawsuits in the affairs of men

Apple just announced their iPhone. Hours later, they were sued by Cisco, the company that owned the trademark.

Still more impertinent advice
***Harlan*** Yeah, not so much with the phone call. Men aren't real good at inquiring about - or caring about other men's health issues as long as we can find our own porch to crawl under

Re: the subject header. I'm going to say three very brief things here. These are things that I'm quite sure you're smart enough to already know BUT might not hear outside the confines of your own head unless Susan says them to you. She might, and it might still not entirely convince.

Try and remember just for the next couple of paragraphs that I am, although, thankfully, not as many, and that I am your friend.

1.) Nobody appointed you the George Jessel of SF and you don't have to spend your "twilight years" going out like he did, memorializing everyone you ever knew.

2.) Theodore Sturgeon was many things to many people, but his living memory is not the marble face of the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. I'm tempted to say more here but I'm going to let that imposing facade stand in for a lot of things.

3.) Take care of the living. One way or another the dead will always take care of themselves.

Your friend - Barney

Our Little Miss
"Our Little Miss" is in "The Essential Ellison." It's in the "To the Mattresses with Mean Demons" section. I believe its original book publication was in "The Other Glass Teat."

ALT-HIST AND OTHER GISTS: Oh, LOST PAGES is one of my favorite books. And yes; "Anne" is a masterwork. In the same vein--alternate histories of sf writers--one of the stories I most cherish is Larry Niven's "The Return of William Proxmire". I dasn't give any of it away--just read it, please. Just know that the much-revered subject of it got to read it just before his death. That simple fact goes a long way toward restoring my faith in the universe.
Though I could never get into Turtledove's alternate Confederacy or Second World War books, his "The Last Article"--about Gandhi having to deal with the Nazis as opposed to the British--is pure dead brilliance.
Few people realize how close--but for a renegade King Alfred and his motley band of loyalist fighters--England came to falling to the Viking invaders, never again to rise. Well, Harry Harrison and Tom Shippey--the latter being a name with which I am wholly unfamiliar--wrote an excellent tale of how it could have even been WORSE for Alfred and his crew, "A Letter From the Pope".
Laura Resnick wrote a nice little tale of Luciano becoming Pope in "The Vatican Outfit"; in the same anthology as that story is a really good imagining by one Nicholas DiChario called "Extreme Feminism, in which suffragists Victoria Woodhull and Susan B. Anthony take up the gun to fight for their cause a la John Brown.

There's a sub-subgenre of alternate history which deals with musicians; a subgenre I love. Every December, I take out and read Spider Robinson's "Rubber Soul", dealing with a revived Johnny Lennon, and I tear up every time. Similarly, a throwaway line in Kim Stanley Robinson's fun little "Remaking History" has rather the same effect.
Also in that vein, Lewis Shiner wrote one of my favorite books, GLIMPSES, a combination time-travel and alternate history novel, dealing with the great lost works of Jim Morrison (Celebration of the Lizard), Brian Epstein (Smile), and Jimi Hendrix (First Rays of the Dying Sun). True, since the book's publication, versions of those aborted works have been issued, but they're crippled, might-have-been artworks pulled malformed and stillborn from dead wombs; the book posits what they would have been had they been truly created, and what effect it would have had on their creators. In the midst of this is a very personal tale of an introspective protagonist. HIGHLY recommended.
(One of these days, I may end up trying to write the President Harry Chapin story I've thought about for some time ...)

Slightly different from alternate history are books, usually mysteries, which posit historical figures in actions and situations which never happened. Most famous of these are Caleb Carr's flawed-but-fun THE ALIENIST (Teddy Roosevelt and others) and Matthew Pearl's brilliant THE DANTE CLUB (Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes, and James Russell Lowell), but special attention should be paid to Peter J. Heck's Mark Twain Mysteries; to the Nathan Heller books by Max Allan Collins and the Toby Peters mysteries by Stuart Kaminsky, both of which series follow their heroes through interactions with some of the most famous personages of the Thirties, Forties, and Fifties; to Dan Simmons' THE CROOK FACTORY, about WWII spycraft in Cuba with Hemingway; to Robert Anton Wilson's MASKS OF THE ILLUMINATI, revolving around the mystic mystery faced by Einstein and James Joyce in 1914 Vienna; and to Joe Gores' HAMMETT, inspiration for the Wim Wenders movie of the same name.

READER JEFF: Get FROM HELL, Moore and Eddie Campbell's excellent book about the Jack the Ripper murders.

Hey, Josh, happy day-after-your-birthday. I said that quietly in case you had a long, moderately debauched evening.

Harlan, I do believe you are right on the very cusp of protesting too much, but as you have not quite tipped over onto the curving slope of alarm, I will merely wish you godspeed with the Sturgeon piece and know that you are well.

D.

Harlan:

I'm glad you're fine. I'm fine too. Yes, it's good to be fine.

Fine, then.


I'd just like to shout out a Happy Effin' Birthday to Josh Olson! Many more, sir. Many more.

Chuck

Uh...maybe it was in THE GLASS TEAT, but I don't think so. I seem to recall it was written later, so that'd be the HORNBOOK.
But it's late, I'm tired, just got back from the dinner for Josh's birthday, I've been writing this Sturgeon foreword night and day till I was forced to take a small medical break...

DO NOT WORRY OR BUG ME ABOUT IT!

I am fine, just fine, thank you; and if I can get the Sturgeon piece out of here tomorrow I'll be ABSOLUTELY fine. Otherwise, nothing to wrinkle your collective brow about. Do not call me, Barney, or Tim, or Adam-Troy, or Erik, or anybody else. I'm just fuckin' F*I*N*E. Got it? Good.

So why the hell did I digress into that quagmire. Ignore it.
One of you folks give Cary the correct 411 on Our Little Miss, please. Thank you.

I'm FINE.

Harlan

CARY:

Use it, with my blessing. It was called, I believe, "The Our Little Miss Pageant" and it oughtta be in THE HARLAN ELLISON HORNBOOK if it isn't in the ESSENTIAL.

Good luck.

Yr. Pal, Harlan

P.S. Today is Josh Olson's birthday. A good'on'ya wouldn't be outta place.

The Destruction of the Temple
*** Lee *** I've met Barry a number of times at I-Con's up on Long Island over the years and a few other cons. He is very much an acquired taste - but one of the best and smartest and most engaging writers the genre has ever had to offer. And I phrase it that way because Barry has been used by the genre far more than he has been able to use it.

At any rate, at one of these cons I had a copy of THE DESTRUCTION OF THE TEMPLE with me, having read it on the train ride up from Manhattan.

I have to do this carefully...

I said to Barry, "You know, the title of this book is possibly one of the MOST perverse titles I have ever come across in all my years of reading. I had to have been at least halfway through before..."

And he starts laughing (not his natural mode) and says, "Hey, I'm alone in a room typing these things. I have to amuse myself SOMEHOW!"

Once you've read the book you'll see what I mean.

- Barney

The Voice of Jorge Luis Borges
"The central fact of my life has been the existence of words and the possibility of weaving those words into poetry..."

They found his voice. Really. Literally. In 1967 and 1968, Borges delivered lectures at Harvard University, and they _just found the recordings_. And they've published them as a CD. Excerpts and order info is available at:

http://www.hup.harvard.edu/features/bortcd/

YAAAAAAYYYY!!!!!

UNITED STATES
All,

Six months ago read Watchmen by Alan Moore and David Gibbons, then recently V for Vendetta, by Alan Moore and David Lloyd. What Alan Moore should I read next?

Many thanks,
Jeff

Our Little Miss
Cary: The title of the essay in question is "Our Little Miss," originally published "as an installment of THE GLASS TEAT, a column of opinion on television, in the LOS ANGELES FREE PRESS, copyright 1970 by Harlan Ellison."

A quote: " ... the really sick ones are the parents. Feeding their own failed dreams on the flesh of their children. How much money, how many grueling hours of training go into battering a child to perform like a monkey? How much surrogate pleasure do the manipulators vampirically enjoy molding a child to dance and spin and raise her hands to God in song, so she can tremble like a pneumonia victim for an audience of clothing merchants?"

I recently re-read this essay, and I couldn't help but think of poor Jon Benet Ramsey. Prostituted by her parents, exploited by the media ... murdered by God knows what sadistic fucker ... horrible, just horrible.

A humble request of Senor Ellison
A simple request, I assure you.

Today in my class on the History of Feminist Philosophy, the discussion turned to sex and portrayals of sex in the media; specifically the increasingly early sexualization of children.

"a-HA!" I said to myself. "Surely I know one who has written on that subject!"

Hence I jumped in with your essay on children's pageants. And I was wondering if I could have your permission to copy and use that essay, used strictly within the class itself, of course. I don't know what the specific copyright rules are on that, but I thought it would be best to ask your permission. If you say ok, then I will dig out a copy; but I understand perfectly if you don't want it distributed this way.

By the by: do any of y'all happen to recollect where that essay was, as well as the exact title? There were several people who were interested in reading it, and I figured that leading more Israelites into the Promised Land is always a good thing. I know it was in "The Essential Ellison," but where was it originally?

And my teacher apparently knows about you, Harlan. She was mightily impressed when I said that I was going to ask your permission to use the essay. (Of course, I didn't mention that said communication would take place over the interwubs.) It's always nice to be able to do a little name dropping.

Maltzberg Encomium

I pulled my copy of "Destruction of the Temple" down. It's the 1974 Pocket Books edition. The one with the cover in Pepto Bismol pink and Serious Sinus Infection green. Lo and behold, on the back is inscribed:

"There are perhaps a dozen genius writers in this genre and Barry is at least eight of them.... This book is a killer! It makes what the rest of us do look like felonies." - Harlan Ellison

So yeah, the guy is probably worth a read.

Even though his chops tend to screw up your brain.

ALternate History: In the Balances. . .
Wow. Gonna have to read that one.

For another kettle of fish altogether, I rather enjoyed Turtledove's "World War" series, though I did find it seriously flawed.

Basically, aliens invade in the middle of the Second World War, and the Great Powers have to fight TOGETHER against them.

A wet dream for WWII buffs, and flawed enough for any Joe Schmoe to think he could do it better:

( Too often it read like a six player Axis and Allies game; I think the scenerio would have disrupted the world politick to a much greater extent than he portrays. What would Brazil have done? Would the lizards bother invading New Zealand? Wouldn't Finland be too cold for them? Wouldn't Muslim Kazakstahn fight on their side? And do you honestly think Mordechai Anielewicz would give passage to a German officer?)

Great fun all the same. The second book was the best.

-Steve E.

Paul Di Filippo's
I first read "Anne" a few years ago, based specifically on an earlier recommendation of Harlan's, and let me add to his praise by saying this:

-- the last sentence of this story stunned me into shocked silence, and then I got seriously choked up. It's just incredible.

In a somewhat different vein, I'll mention another "Harlan-Recommended Story" -- from the anthology "My Favorite Horror Story," edited by Mike Baker and Martin H. Greenberg (DAW Books, 2000.) Harlan's pick is Japanese mystery writer Edogawa Rampo's "The Human Chair" -- and it's utterly flesh-crawling stuff, indeed. (And in answer to Harlan's statement in the introduction, "I can't wait to see your face when you read the last page," my reaction was a combination of sick laughter, a full-body shudder, and an exclamation of "EWWWWWWWWWW!!!")

And finally, returning to the alternate history thread, I recommend "War of the Worlds: Global Dispatches" -- "The Martian Invasion of Earth as if Witnessed by Mark Twain, Emily Dickinson, Albert Einstein, Teddy Roosevelt, etc. (Spectra Books paperback, 1997, edited by Kevin J. Anderson.) The stories are written by such people as Geo. Alec Effinger, Connie Willis, Robert Silverberg, and various others, and they're all fun... but my favorite has to be Howard Waldrop's story "Night of the Cooters," about the Texas Rangers fighting off the Martians.

You have to love a story where a late 1800's, hard-ass Texas sheriff is riding up to a Martian landing site, they ready their heat ray, and comes the line:

"Then his horse exploded."

-- Jon

Paul Di Filippo
Harlan,

Thank you for the recommendation! I just ordered “Lost Pages” and can not wait to read it.

Thank you for the card too!

Hope your head cold is fading and that you are feeling better.

-Patricia

Dateline: SW Florida
Well my sweetie and I escaped the clutches of my own family after a brief stay near Atlanta and presently bask in the climes of Sunny SW Florida (kinda windy but in the 80s over the weekend) with her parents.

Now don't get me wrong, I love my bio family but if I heard another discussion about the "godly George Bush" and how Nancy Pelosi and the demos were going to betray our fighting "men" over in Iraq protecting us from Osama and somebody named "Al Kye-eedah" I was going to SCREAM! But I don't even argue anymore. I just try to change the subject.

"Howz yer rhoomatiz?"

My god my sweetie's father has a really really REALLY nice computer system. Dang. If we stay down here another week as planned I just know I'm going to get the upgrade fever.

Did I mention my sweetie's father has a really nice computer setup?

-sigh-

If you're talking WARD MOORE, and you were, don't forget his other classic (of the End of the World genre), GREENER THAN YOU THINK. There's a great movie crying out to be made here with say, William Macy as the salesman.

While we're listing our currently active faves, mine is THOMAS LIGOTTI, ostensibly a horror writer but so much more. He's as influenced by Bruno Schultz as Lovecraft and he has a collection out now called THE DARKNESS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE WORLD, which is actually availible at your local chain!

Well, must not abuse my privileges. I've been promised a day trip next week over to Estero to see the remains of the Koreshan community about which more later.

Now everybody get back to work!

On Conversations Without Words
Mommy?

Yes?

I want something.

Show me.

I want this pear.

Go ahead, you can have it.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

(Never, ever, EVER take for granted that you can speak, no matter how clumsy the words may seem at the time.)

*****

I need a score card to keep track of all the writers you folks are turning me on to. Sheesh!

Alternate History, Day 3
I'm enjoying this discussion tremendously, and I'm delighted that Harlan gave us his own recommendation. I'll definitely read "Anne". My mind is already wondering who "Anne" is (Hathaway? of Cleves? one of the billions of unknowns who make this planet turn?).

There's another noteworthy story that I haven't seen mentioned here (unless I missed it). "The Lucky Strike" by Kim Stanley Robinson deserves some accolades as well. It offers the best kind of alternate history - the kind of world in which I wish we lived.

heck in a handbasket

Someone wrote:

"(I can say "schmuck" here, can't I?)"


I'm appalled, insulted, and flabbergasted, and I'm never going to read or post anything here again!

Encomium delirium
*** Harlan *** Hah! Sometimes it's like putting my ear to the track and hearing the "iron horse" coming. Many thanks for singing Paul Di Filippo's praises. I can't say I was on board with him from the beginning but I did pick up the first two volumes of the re-launching of NEW WORLDS remaindered sometime around 1998 or so and they each had Paul's stories in them and I said to myself, "holy crap, this guy's a writer's writer!"

By the way, I don't think it's a coincidence that Barry Malzberg's name would come up so soon after Paul's on this list. Barry is the guy I think of most when reading Paul's stuff. It's not so much a style thing as that their approaches can be so odd and so true at the same time. Like they're both following some magic force lines in the Earth that only a couple of true Mages can see.

(Magical references are NOT my strong suit but it's the best way I can describe this not-connected-but-still-connected vibe they exude.)

By the way Harlan, Tim knows Paul, at least a bit. They hail from the same Yankee Swamp Rat stomping grounds I gather.

ANNE reminded me there was a great short story about Oscar Wilde being given the "opportunity" to re-write his life from the after-life. Sort of a "the straighter he becomes the more content his life is and the less art he creates" - until he finally declines the offer for a "happy" life. Might have beena Joanna Russ piece. I'm stumped this morning.

Back to work.

- Barney

Harlan is half right about "Anne." A couple weeks ago, I was over at the Wonderland, and he pointed a gun to my head and told me I had to sit my fat ass down and read the story on the spot. I did. It's fucking amazing. He's right about that.

But Harlan..... you ARE that good. And you know it, schmuck.

(I can say "schmuck" here, can't I?)

The Difference Engine
"The Difference Engine" was by William Gibson and Bruce Sterling. It's one of those unfortunate collaborations that captures none of the magic of either collaborator's solo work, and yet manages to feature all of the weaknesses of both.

A great idea for a story, though.

Another writer had a Babbage machine being built by an eccentric English missionary and wife on a remote South Pacific island somewhere south of New Zealand, and their becoming involved with stranded aliens. That was a novella a few years ago, the author escapes me, but might have been either Turtledove or Robert J.Sawyer.

One last interesting Alternate History: "Custer's Last Jump" by Howard Waldrop and Steven Utley; faux history of the Dos Passos variety with "clippings" from various books and magazines ostensibly on the disaster at the Little Big Horn when indian fighters came out of the dawn and sent the 7th US cavalry (Airborne) and its' supporting 505th Balloon Infantry down in flames before most of the troopers had even heard the bugles call "Chutes And Saddles". One line from therein says it all about this wild tale:

"On its rudder is the swastika, an ugly reminder of days of glory fifty years ago.

A simple plaque describes the aircraft. It reads:

CRAZY HORSE'S KRUPP MONOPLANE"

If anyone would care to join us, an informal group of local LA SF writers, artists and fans are gathering next Wednesday evening, the 17th, over in Cerritos (near the intersection of the 605 and 405 freeways) at a Mongolian BBQ place (Tasty Mongols). We get together two or three times annually, and Harry Turtledove might be with us again. jan howard finder (The Wombat, sui generis) organizes these when he is in/passing through LA.

contact for directions and details if interested: amparion@sbcglobal.net

Harlan -

A curtsy for the Paul De Filippo recommendation.

Be damned if I'M gonna be floatin' my ass in an empty longboat MOONIN' the TIDE!

Sounds like great stuff.

Speaking of Alternate History

I seem to recall a book titled, "The Difference Engine", which postulated a 19th century after Babbage's titular machine was built, followed by the Analytical Engine. Am I remembering correctly?

In the 90's, a museum did finally build the Difference Engine. Helluva number-crunching machine. An 1840's ENIAC, of sorts.

Chuck

Whoops
Oh, Goddammit. There it is. I merely misplaced it, and as a result find myself breaking the rules and posting THREE times a day. My apologies. I'll go away now, and stay away for a while.

Huh?
I had posted an offer to Harlan, to send him an old magazine with copies of his stories...why did it disappear?

And, oh yes, Harlan, thank you for reminding me of "Anne".

Bob,

Some other uniquely written "future history" books are:

by Barry Malzberg
"Destruction of the Temple"
"Beyond Apollo"
"Revelations"

by John Brunner
"Stand on Zanzibar"
"The Jagged Orbit"
"The Sheep Look Up"
"The Shockwave Rider"

by Walter Tevis
"Mockingbird"

by Greg Bear
"Queen of Angels"

I'll stop before I piss everyone off by spewing a laundry list.

Of all of these, Malzberg is the weirdest and most powerful. His writing unleashes very disturbing feelings. I can't fathom his art, but what a ride.

Thanks for the recommendation
Harlan -- I just ordered "Lost Pages". I've enjoyed Mr. Di Filippo's work in "Ribofunk" and The Magazine of F & SF, and can't wait to read "Anne" when the book arrives.

Thanks again.

Tim Walker

That's "Filippo," not "Fillippo."

MW

Di Fillippo rocks! "Standing on a Beach" is one of my favorite stories. It's always a pleasure to see him at Readercon.

M. Walsh

THE FINEST ALTERNATE HISTORY STORY EVER WRITTEN

You're right, Barney; I AM going to blow you all away with an "obscure" reference. Every single recommend you clever folks have suggested -- from de Camp's LEST DARKNESS FALL through Phil Dick's MAN IN THE HIGH CASTLE -- to this week's unbelievably wonderful book by Harry Turtledove -- all take a back seat to the most genuinely heartbreaking, unforgettably astonishing "what-if" masterpiece ever written ...

Paul De Filippo's "Anne" (which begins on page 37 of his 1998 collection LOST PAGES, published by Four Walls Eight Windows, and concludes on page 54).

1) If you have not read this story, you are as one bereft, set forlornly adrift in an otherwise empty longboat, doomed forever to skim the thin passage between dead sea and gray sky. There is a void in you; an abyss, a chasm; and you do not know it.

2) That this story was not selected for THE BEST AMERICAN SHORT STORIES OF ALL TIME or a gold-weight compendium from the finest of the O. HENRY award winners, is on a level of dishonor and tragedy whereon Eli Wallach never won the Oscar as Best Supporting for his role in THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN and Tesla never got the Nobel.

3) Di Filippo is one of my half dozen favorite authors of all time, and he is approaching the peak of his powers, working right now! If you are not onto him, you are wasting your time with lessers. Thousands of lessers.

4) Apart from a glorious fistful of collections and novels, his latest two are PLUMAGE FROM PEGASUS, an antic farrago of delightful clevernesses (what chefs call an "amuse bouche"), and a novel he did as "work-for-hire" -- a paperback original for Dark Horse Press, based on The Creature From The Black Lagoon. It is called TIME'S BLACK LAGOON, and I am in the middle of it now ... and it is

FUCKING

WONDERFUL

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5) Paul Di Filippo is the best kind of writer ... a writer so good, I wish I were half so.

Hey, Barney, how's THAT for a blowaway encomium!?!

Yr. Pal, Harlan

That Jubilee
"Yeah, 'Bring The Jubilee', that was the title of that Ward Moore book," KOS seemed depressed. That Christmas cold had really taken a lot out of him. He turned to the bookshelf and squinted through his Wal-Mart glasses for a good ten seconds.

"Of course 'The Iron Dream' by Spinrad is a true classic of weirdness. I found a copy in a used bookstore in Kansas City, sometime in 1975,on a weekend away from Fort Riley."

KOS sat on the cheap leather sofa, his faded black jeans made a soft, slithery sound as they creased the sofa's slick cushions. He looked up at me, the overhead fans monotonous motion reflected in his glasses.

"It was when I read 'The Iron Dream' that I first realized my great project. If Spinrad were to write the history of Hitler as faux-novel by Hitler, why not create the history of the world as ruled by writer?"

KOS picked up the yellowed manuscript on the TV-tray next to the sofa. Dust motes sparked in the air as the pages passed through his trembling hands.

"Ah, here it is," he held up a page with just one line, centred on the paper, typed in all capital letters. It looked to be that specific typeface used by IBM Selectric typewriters in the seventies. He held the manuscript in one hand with the casual yet studied grip of one who knows paper.

"My Struggle Against 45 Years Of Ignorance, Sloth, Vile Nastiness And Ineptitude by H. Ellison"

"I never got more than the title written. I kept failing in my attempts at synecdoche." KOS shook his head wearily.

"But it would have been a surpassingly fine gloss on the theme of Ellison as demagogue, the ubiquity of iniquity in the common man and the hubris of hope. Of course, all that was before the affair with the woman who raised Russian Blues on a cat farm near Wynkona." KOS took off his glasses and rubbed the sides of his nose, then looked up at me with a resigned expression.

"Would you like some Earl Grey?"

I nodded once, sensing that the time for conversation had passed, leaving us adrift in the doldrums, all content flensed from our talk like the bulk of some unlucky blue whale abandoned by Norwegians on the penultimate antarctic shore of South Georgia for the skua to feast upon. It was time to cleanse our frenums in steaming cups of bergamot-laced Sri Lankan.

Mark Spieller and others

I may have misread, but I believe it was stated that Prince Myshkin was NOT included with Dreams with Sharp Teeth.

But, if there is any doubt, you can look it up!

Back from my trip back East and I just wanted to say thank you again for all of the support and kind words of advice. It is greatly appreciated.

Keeney (or anyone else in the Minneapolis area), let me know if you are heading over to Neil Gaiman's talk at the Walker Art Center on Thursday. I plan on being in line by about 5:30 and will hold a seat for anyone who needs one

Can o'worms?
James Cameron is making a new movie called Avatar. The plot is summed up by Ireland Online thusly: "... will follow a group of humans battling aliens through remote-controlled bodies."

Sounds a wee-bit like Orson Scott Card to me. I'm just saying...

-keith

conshy
to david loftus: conshohocken flows like honey off of the tongue. conshohocken-from whence came peter boyle, maria bello and the miseducation of lauryn hill; mentioned by our host, hoeard waldrop and andrea barrett ( and by robert mitchum in mr moses); and current home of terrence howard, m.night shymalan's offices and, well, me. also, anyone who e-mails me might do better to mail to po box 427, conshohocken,pa,19428-0427, where i remain,as always, obediently yours.

Wiki - Twain - oaths
*** Brian *** I saw that paragraph and you totally nailed it. It's like the D.C. comics "imaginary stories", as though some are not. I see people go through the same contortions over the Philip Jose Farmer's "Wold-Newton" universe stuff all the time. Who's in? Who's out? Like they're planning a heist. But I do feel their taxonomic pain. Now that SF has been around 2.5 times as long as rock and roll the sub-genre name game and bringing people up-to-speed can get tricky.

*** Jan *** Hah! And I just figured the Spinrad thing was some English/German/English lost in translation move. I'd blame the wiki anyways. ;-)

*** Paul *** We're utterly cool on the Twain thing. He's past insulting and, really, unassailable at this point in most corners. But thanks.

As for the "effing" here is a general question about that word as it pertains to Twain. It is no secret (and part of his charm in some circles) that Twain could peel the paint off a ship deck with his ability to curse. There are at least three pretty funny first-hand stories involving Twain and curse words and one classic that shows up in almost every bio involving his wife Livy trying to immitate Twain's blue-streaks. But NOBODY (trust me) knows if he ever used the "F-bomb". By that I mean there are NO letters, journals, first hand accounts or strike-outs (something he was fond of in correspondence to faux-shock with) of Twain using THAT word. Nobody is saying yes or no and few care but my point there is that it would be speculative at this point unless a letter surfaced. And they still do, almost every other week.

Now I think DEADWOOD (which I love every syllable of) takes it a few degrees beyond what the reality was, but only a few degrees. I suspect Milch gets it closer to the way it was than John Ford let's say. My question is, does anybody here know of a good history of the "F" word and in PARTICULAR, how often it might have actually been used by men in the American West from 1850-1900.

I have my reasons for asking. And you can hit my mailbox with any traffic on this one rather than lowering the bar here. Thanks.

-Barney

Bullocks, PA.

THIS IS FUNNY
THE LEAD PARAGRAPH from Dave Itzkoff's review of the new Michael Crichton:

Though the moment may lack the inherent gravitas of Harriet Beecher Stowe’s encounter with Abraham Lincoln, or even Elvis Presley’s private audience with Richard Nixon, surely history should reserve a special place for the day in 2005 when Michael Crichton was invited to the White House to meet with George W. Bush. Imagine: the modern era’s leading purveyor of alarmist fiction, seated side by side with Michael Crichton. Oh, to be a concealed recording system in that Oval Office!

Ellison out loud

KOS reported:

: The Prince Myshkin clip is priceless. My girlfriend Susan,
: her with an M.A. in Drama who knows from beans what Harlan
: did there, was astonished. She says he should have been on
: Broadway.


Actually, he was, more than 50 years ago. And on the Columbia Records LP of the show, too.

Ya know, I've read dozens of Ellison stories aloud, quite a few of them in recent years (my favorite occasion was a reading of "A Boy and His Dog" for a dinner party on the day W was inaugurated the first time) but it's been -- god -- more than 30 years since I last read "The Deathbird" aloud. It was either to my girlfriend at the time, or my grandmother. (Yes, my grandmother, who also listened to "The Prowler in the City at the Edge of the World," among others. If she thought the story was misogynistic, she never said anything to me about it. But then, she had de Sade in her book collection.)

Okay, lemme start by saying that a post I _thought_ I'd posted-- about a New Yorker article of interest, at http://www.newyorker.com/printables/critics/070108crat_atlarge-- seems to have vanished. Or, I just didn't post it. But it ain't here, so this really is my one post for today.

I'll add my vote of support for _The Iron Dream_ as a major work of "alternate history." It's actually an _artifact_ of an alternate history. It's a novel from a world that didn't come to be, and the reader has to make this continual adjustment in his or her mind. It's a technique that Nabokov performed often, i.e., having his main narrator a psychopath, deluded, or possibly living in a world that didn't exist, so the reader has to create this odd conceptual lens through which to understand.

It's also a wonderful parody of fantasy novels, an indictment of hero worship and fantasies of power, and an amazing writing performance (hey, you try writing inside of Hitler's confined skull for that long). It also has the single nastiest thing ever written about SF fans in the "About the Author" blurb.

It's also worthwhile to read Peter Fisher's study _Fantasy and Politics: Visions of the Future in the Weimar Republic_ to see what fantasies and SF stories were read by a public just before their society plunged everything into hell.



The Wikipedia entry on alternate histories is actually fairly good, but one paragraph caught my attention as a good example of goofy thinking. Not of Wikipeia specifically, but of SF "theory" in general:

"This leads to readers encountering stories which read as though they were alternate history, but which are not. An example would be Robert A. Heinlein's The Man Who Sold the Moon. Written in the 1940s, it posits that the first moon launch is run by a private organization rather than a government agency in the 1960s. New readers encountering the book may well presume that this is alternate history since it is clearly a counter-factual depiction of the first moon launch, now almost 40 years in the past. However, when written, the first moon launch was nearly 30 years in the future. Thus, The Man Who Sold the Moon is out of date science fiction and not true alternate history; among many fans of the genre, however, such incorrect future history is often considered 'honorary alternate history'. It is a convenient way of reading with enjoyment an ever-increasing number of old SF stories and books, in which the events described did not happen at the time indicated in the text."

Gahd, doncha just _love_ this? This Aspergerian _need_ for order, classification, and proper boundaries drives people into the most _amazing_ contortions. The end result is this broken-backed taxonomy of "out of date science fiction," "true alternate history," and "honorary alternate history" invented to the books can be properly "enjoyed."

It really begins when you define SF as something grounded in scientific fact, _unlike fantasy_-- and you have to reconcile this to the fact that so much SF really can't be anything _but_ fantasy, and that strictly speaking _all_ fiction is fantasy.

Observations

There's only 2 kinds of band-aids in the world: Those that won't stay on, and those that won't come off.

Spinrad's "The Mind Game" has been overlooked. It's the best satire of L Ron Hubbard ever.

Alternate History
Thank you all very much for your detailed recommendations (and for making me immediately feel welcome here).

Tally, I've read "The Winterberry" and yes, it's heartbreaking. It's in a collection I have titled "The Way It Wasn't" (ed. Martin Greenberg).

Keith, I did a little research yesterday and "West of Eden" sounds amazing. I'll have to put that in my fiction queue.

Harry Turtledove does seem to be the name most associated with alternate history lately. I've read portions of both of the "Alternate Generals" collections that he edited and I have "Ruled Brittania" sitting on my shelf now. I've avoided his Civil War works because I think that era is overused by alternate history writers, but that may change if my interest evolves. As a matter of fact, "If the South Won the Civil War" by MacKinlay Kantor is the first novel (well, more of a sketch really) that I ever read of alternate history. I know Turtledove has done multiple takes on the subject; I believe one or more of his Civil War-era novels involves time-travelling gunrunners who equip the Army of Northern Virginia with machine guns? Mixing time travel with alternate history is an intriguing idea, and has an inherent rule-breaking aspect that appeals to my rebellious side, but it may exceed my capacity to effectively suspend disbelief, particularly for a novel-length investment of time.

Alternate history also seems to me to be a sub-genre that would attract many would-be writers. Unlike other forms of speculative fiction, the gift of a template (actual history) is already there for you. You just have to decide how you're going to reimagine it.

YO, BIG MAN
HARLAN:

I have unearthed from the depths of my personal collection a magazine called SCIENCE FICTION GREATS #14 (The "ALL HARLAN ELLISON issue", Spring 1969) containing reprints of stories that include "World of Women," "The Glass Brain," "Phoenix Treatment," "Satan is My Ally" and etc.

The magazine is not in great shape, frankly. Part of the cover is missing, and the pages are all showing their age, though it remains intact and readable otherwise.

Any interest I had in this particular item, as a reader, has been sated, and damage has eliminated any value it might have as a collectible.

Can you use it?

A-TC

Mr. Dannelke
Barney, knowing your love of Mr. Clemens, i just want to assure you i didn't mean to take his name in vain. It was, you know.... one of THOSE moments. I would gladly have paid coin of the realm to hear your explosive diatribe unloaded on the subjects ears at that moment. I could but walk away mourning the loss of a million other sperm who had a shot.
If memory serves, i reread THE CELEBRATED JUMPING FROG OF CALAVERAS COUNTY later and musing on the state of youth wondered, "How?"

Well, *I* would have called the book "Iron Horse". ;-) Can you believe I actually looked the title up before I posted? (No, not there, Barney.)

The Iron Dream
The Iron Dream by Spinrad is one of my favorite books in speculative fiction or 'alternate history' The SF channels website in fact does a very nice review of it in its "classics" department. What is amusing is after books by Spinrad, Ward, Bradbury and Turtledove (who is its largest producer) the so called mainstream has 'discovered' it and ballyhooed mainstream writers who are turning out "alternate speculations of current history in fictional forms".

Exceptions are always allowed when a writer of talent uses the tropes of one thing to comment on something, but in the case of the Publishing Establishment (whatever that is) its like a third cousin, twice removed, ordering a parade when its "learned its colors and numbers" and everyone else is balancing its checkbook.

By the way I will make multiple purchases of "Dreams with Sharp Teeth" if and when it hits DVD just so people can savor Harlan's performance of "Prince Myshkin".

Another minor correction:
The title should be 'Bring the Jubilee,' by Ward Moore

"Bob: Norman Spinrad wrote a satrical alternate history called THE IRON HORSE (1972) in which Hitler emigrates to the U.S. in 1919 (back when he wanted to be an artist) and becomes a major SF writer."

It's actually called THE IRON DREAM. Not exactly an alternate history, but rather a fantasy novel which is presented as the creation of this alternate world's Adolf Hitler. A remarkable achievement, and a very uncomfortable read, in that its ostensible ideology simultaneously has a great deal in common with both the 'real' Hitler's and the kind one routinely encounters in, for example, Robert E. Howard's fiction.

"New York is the only city in the world where you need a humidifier in the winter and a dehumidifier in the summer."

Oh, yeah? Well, try three snow storms in three weeks. We're getting buried out here on "Colorful Colorado" and there's more snow coming.

Mother Nature has robbed me of approx. three hundred dollars in lost wages so far. The bitch.


Chuck

Jan is going to LOVE this
*** Jan *** I think about two years ago I had a fairly toxic reaction to your defense of Wikipedia. I still don't trust it. I'd never use it for anything where a grade was required other than perhaps a source inspiration launch point. And I despise more than a couple of paragraphs in Harlan's entry.

But now that I've said all that again... it has gotten better. In some cases, much better. So, when something comes up that I don't think giant pissing contests can grow up around, I will now occasionally look at it. Today's case in point - "alternate history."

**IF** someone is interested in a GLOSS of this sub-genre and they don't own either of the Clute encyclopedias or Billion Year Spree/Trillion Year Spree by Brian W. Aldiss or a few other BOOKS that I could name, then (God that I don't believe in, help me) they could do worse than;

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alternate_history

for a not too half assed "timeline" that has the good sense to start with Livy and work up from there.

I'm not canonizing this beast, I'm just backing off my previous stance of pure evil.

*************************************************************

I'd endorse the Fritz Leiber's and Poul Anderson's mentioned in that article as being very important to take in.

I'd throw in Mark "effing" Twain's A CONNECTICUT YANKEE IN KING ARTHUR'S COURT. For that matter, there are about half a dozen novels using Twain as a "branch point" not including the stuff that Peter Heck has done that range from SF to Fantasy, but are still "alternate history." There is also my third favorite novel (ever) I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE by David Carkeet (who can do no wrong) which was contemporary in 1985 when it was released, but can now be viewed as alternate history of a sort.

Other recs would be IT CAN'T HAPPEN HERE, which the article treats as marginalia but I think is seminal.

De Camp's LEST DARKNESS FALL.

"The Birth of the People's Republic of Antarctica" by John Calvin Batchelor

and finally, the article spends almost no time on the comic book as a forum for alternate histories. Alan Moore, Warren Ellis and Neil Gaiman have all done alternate history work in this beanfield and shouldn't be given short shrift just because the movie version of LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMAN sucked so hard.

I suspect if Harlan has a minute he's going to trample all of this with some wicked smart and hellaciously obscure examples but y'know, we do what we can.

Have the Latin Americans (not Borges since Borges did *everything*) played this game much?

- Barney Dannelke

Bob: Norman Spinrad wrote a satrical alternate history called THE IRON HORSE (1972) in which Hitler emigrates to the U.S. in 1919 (back when he wanted to be an artist) and becomes a major SF writer. Harlan had good things to say about the book, and I've been trying to get my hands on it myself. (Thanks for reminding me.)

(Perhaps somebody else has read it?)

Alternate Histories
Well no-one mentioned the greatest of them such as "Come The Jubilee" by Ward Moore (the South won and it's not what you'd expect), "Pavane" by Keith Roberts (where the Invincible Armada lived up to its' name, and England in 1968 is more like 1768. with many little differences).

Not to mention "Ike At The Mike" by Howard Waldrop (short story), which I believe the finest Alt. Hist. short ever. The bit about the young American president meeting the elderly British ambassador is classic.

Also recommended is the collection "What if?" wherein historians play the game, including Sir Winston Spencer Churchill.

SS-GB was a classic also, an early "Hitler WIns" nightmare. However to my mind the scariest alternate-history, hands down, is the "Draka" series by S. M. Stirling. It's an alternate history where you root for the Nazi's, once you realize just what the Draka are (and are becoming).

The Prince Myshkin clip is priceless. My girlfriend Susan, her with an M.A. in Drama who knows from beans what Harlan did there, was astonished. She says he should have been on Broadway. I told her he's too good for that. She agreed after I read her "The Deathbird" (which was to explain all about why Ahbu the dog is such an important character in "Thief of Bagdad" which we had just watched after I gaped slackjawed at her admission she had never seen said masterpiece of the cinematic artform). She was suitably abashed after seeing it and hearing "The Deathbird". She also seriously called me a mean bastard for breaking her heart with that story. then immediately forgave me because it was also so beautiful. Sheesh, and I only read it to her! How does Harlan get away with WRITING these things? The world, my friends, is a crazy place. Good thing, too, with all these crazy sons of bitches in it.

KOS

"When you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way"

Any discussion of alternate histories should certainly include "For Want of a Nail" The changed event - Burgoyne wins the battle of Saratoga, and the colonial rebels lose the "Revolutionary War". I re-read it a couple of years ago (I first read it in the late 70s) and it doesn't completely hold up - its style is as an academic text complete with a huge number of fake footnotes, but it still is a wonderful essay into alternate history. Highly recommended, especially to those whose education has exposed them to " academic" histories.

God BLESS you, Jay Smith,
(Yes--of course, I know you didn't sneeze)But, THANK YOU for what you posted. Edith Piaf is my favorite singer of all times. The first song featured is my FAVORITE of her songs ( even though she's not singing it) L'Accordianiste ( I probably spelled that right into the dirt). But thank you so much for posting it-- I had a bitch of a day and it was a sad, lovely distraction.

Love,
Cindy


Erik,
THANK YOU for posting the link to Harlan, what a firecracker. He only gets better. I lean forward in anticipation of the release of the film itself.
:)
Cindy

The Edith Piaf biopic
For you consideration:

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xxl9x_la-mome

Re: previous post.

The Ellison mention is about 4 paragraphs from the bottom.

Having taken only slightly longer to download the clip than it took Mr. Ellison to write the piece (gotta love dial-up, I own the hamsters a new wheel after that one), all I can say is....wow....

*****

Mr. Troy-Castro -- Ah, Turtledove! He's not quite the best of alternate histories stuffed inside a human suit, but he's damn close!

*****

You East Coast types and your complaints about humidity! Bah!

Harlan influences another....

"Harlan Ellison’s raw, confessional introductions to his short stories were a big influence on me when I was a teenager, and may have set me on the path to memoir-writing."

see story at:

http://www.bookslut.com/features/2007_01_010475.php

Keith

You live near Washington, DC? My friend and classmate Jim King became head of all 800,000 federal government employees except for the postal and military. When I tried to congradulate him, he wrote me "Washington is not my home town and it never will be."

alt history and prince myshkin
The Winterberry from a book titled Alternate Kennedys edited by Mike Resnick. It will break your heart and the rest of the book is fabulous.

The clip from the DVD extras was wonderful...I wants it NOW NOW NOW NOW...hee hee. Please keep those of us not in LA or NYC in the loop about release dates on DVD and wide release in cinemas if possible.

Thanks...

Alt Hist
IN THE PRESENCE OF MINE ENEMIES by Harry Turtledove. Last Jews in Berlin, in a present-day ruled by the victorious Nazis.

West of Eden, and New York
Bob,

Check out Harry Harrison's "West of Eden." Talk about alternate history....

John Greenawalt,

Man, I live in Arlingon, VA, a stone's throw from Washington DC, and I can tell you without any equivocation whatsoever that your statement about New York is false, in that we here enjoy the same experience as you described for New York.

And thanks for pointing it out, you Debbie Downer wannabe. :)

-Keith

Alternate History Fiction
Hello all and Happy New Year.

I'm a long time reader of this forum who decided to jump in and get wet today. The water seems fine, here, let me dip my foot in further, ahhh...

I've been enjoying reading alternate history stories lately, and I'm wondering what some of your favorite stories and novels are? The most recent collection I've read is Roads Not Taken, edited by Dozois and Schmidt, with "The Forest of Time" by Michael Flynn being my favorite. I also enjoyed "Recovering Apollo 8" by Kristine Kathryn Rusch in the current issue of Asimov's Science Fiction. I'd appreciate any recommendations you can offer, other than Dick's "Man in the High Castle" and Silverberg's "The Gate of Worlds" - I've already read both.

New York is the only city in the world where you need a humidifier in the winter and a dehumidifier in the summer.

sorry
"Mark-Effing-Twain!"
...just in case it was a weird visual.
p.

Little things that make it even better.
Professionalism aside, showmanship aside, everything but execution aside, there is a shot in the clip that hits as one of those "YES!!" moments for me. What i look for in a movie, video, what have you. A defining thing, hoping it was done on purpose. I'm talking about the shot where HE turns the pages of what we are, i suppose, to believe is the story itself.

MED SHOT- "...her neck and both arms.
CLOSE UP- Flip.
MED SHOT- "sweet kid..."

Very nice. Oh man. I could be reading more into it (no pun intended) than is there, but i see that as quietly brilliant.

We-those that are familiar with his work- we KNOW he's read this a thousand times. Many own the record and a tapes and have listened to it dozens of times, or read it to friends a dozen times. It's a staple, as milk and eggs and cheese and bread. It is a standard, an icon of the oeuvre.
As time marches on there will be, to our dismay and sad anger, those who have never heard of our patron. They will know not what he do. The selfsame people (kids to start, but those kids grow up into adulthood ignorance) who know of W.S. Burroughs as "that guy on MTV". Ignoble kin to the twenty-something at the grocery store who gave me a blank stare when i mentioned Mark Twain. "Who?" "Mark-Offing-Twain!" Nothing. Tabula Rasa. Seriously.
It doesn't matter if Harlan is reading from his own text; if so, i suspect it would be in teleprompter form. More than likely he knows it by heart, or most of it. What that shot does, as clean and precise as a Thelonious Monk set, is tell the viewer this is a STORY.
Wherever, whenever, this will be viewed, it will serve to remind that this was written. On paper. Not a cobbled-up arcade simulation cum-photoshop-made-for-video-freakout. In a one and a half second shot, you are dragged from the craziness of the story into the real world of the written word and out again. That is not a bad thing. Defending in advance: some may say it sticks out and ruins the flow of the narrative. I say it does not. Aurally, you barely perceive it. But since this was made for a visual medium, the shot cements the combination of Harlan, PRINCE MYSHKIN, and writing, subconsciously if not overtly. Well done say I.
If it sounds strange that this is my favorite part of this video, so be it. Chalk it up to the love of cine-magic moments. I know of at least two people who, upon watching this, will see that bit and from the corner of my eye i will see them nodding and smiling knowingly. Priceless, that.

===========================

I did a reading once that was stop-watched because i wanted to see if the Borsalino'd cat's speech actually could be done in three minutes. He clocked me at somewhere around 3:36, and that was flat out, barest inflection. No point here, i'm just mentioning.

Nice reading Harlan. Big dog still got the chops.

guyswhotalkrillyfast
I haven't had time to look at the video clip, but here's my description of Ellison's performance of Myshkin in tape, from the Islets of Langerhans website:


Except for brief remarks by the lightly Russian-accented Michael (the vendor at Pinks), and the harsh jive of the, shall we say, non-Caucasian procurer of female flesh at the far end of the counter, Ellison adopts a breathless New York verbal style. You would probably have to look far to find more words packed into 11 minutes and 5 seconds. In fact, once the twitchoid fellow in the Borsalino begins his recitation, Ellison clocks at 265 words per minute -- more than 4 per second, and we're not talking monosyllables but "miscegenation," "forevermore" and "overwhelming," to say nothing of "Conshohocken," "Sudetenland" and "Federal Aeronautics Administration." He even blows a full 2 seconds on a deep sigh after Orange Blossom buys it on the kukri.


I'll be interested to see how the performance varies on video, after a number of additional years of practice . . . .

ERIK: My advice would be to electronically slow down the parts of the film where Harlan talks. You cannot want people to live in a vastly accelerated state for days after seeing it, out of sync with their environment.

The Clip
ERIK: Whoa! (Too be read as if I was Harlan, on too many cups of coffee). Whoa! I'mspeaking,nowaboutthatveryamazingouttakefromDreamsWithSharp-
Teeth,theonewiththeOldGuyintheOrangesweaterreadingsofasthesounds
likeanauctioneer,theouttakeheretoforeknownallovertheinternetas --THE CLIP --that'swhatI'mtalkinabout,nottheotherstuffmindyou...
If an outtake, a DVD extra, is that good, can't wait to see the rest of the film.
HARLAN: After some thought, I now understand your reaction to seeing the movie. I suppose, for you, it was a little like the scene in "Being John Malkovich," wherin John Malkovich accidentally enters his own head, and everywhere he turns he sees himself...and everytime someone speaks, he hears only "Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich. THAT would be surreal, indeed. Even though there's no danger of it ever happening, _I_ wouldn't want to be in that position, so your reaction is certainly understandable.
But listen: soon as Susan gets you back in balance, ask Erik to arrange a screening at "the Tivoli" (Kansas City's premiere arthouse cinema). Then make sure you and Susan are there on premiere night and I promise you all the burnt ends you can eat (can't beat THAT deal).

All best to you and Susan.
Your KC premiere buddy,
Dorman

To Erik: Looks great! By the way, I noticed the nifty warpy transitions of the "Pink's" background, too: hadda extend those shots, and those wipes must've done the trick, right?

I'm just amazed as how Harlan read _that_ story without looking down at his notes.

A DVD release would be great. Even better, a DVD release after a showing in Seattle since there isn't a snowball's chance of "Dreams" showing on my side of the Sound.

As for an Ellison action figure, I think it should be a mail in offer. Send in three of Shatner's toupees...

*****

Barney --

Oh, stop it! You're making me hungry!

The Whimper of Whipped Director....
Hello everybody. Long time listener, first time caller.

If ya'll would like a look at a "Dreams With Sharp Teeth" sequence, go here:

http://www.creatvdiff.com/

Click on "Prince Myshkin". Harlan told me it was OK if you stopped by. This is not and will not be in the film, as it was shot for the DVD's "bonus features". But there are other similar sequences in the film, many MUCH shorter reading excerpts by that guy in the Orange Sweater.

After perusal, if you'd like to get a better sense of how people respond to our work, get thee to "Viewer Mailbag". An actual phone call left on our answering machine after the airing of one of our films.
Enjoy! (And hold the relish!)
Back to the Land of Lurk,
I remain,
Erik Nelson

herzog
Man, this Herzog guy sounds like some kind of ghoul. Yes, i know who he is. Shouldn't you make a point of reminding people you aren't dead yet???

Kristin

herzog
Man, this Herzog guy sounds like some kind of ghoul. Yes, i know who he is. Shouldn't you make a point of reminding people you aren't dead yet???

Kristin

KEITH CRAMER: This film is not an expansion of the little featurette they ran on the S--F- Channel. One has nothing to do with the other. This is all new, for the most part unseen footage shot speciically for this docuthingee over the past maybe thirty years. Scored, FSX'd, structured, cumulative, and sort of iconographic i guess maybe.

Josh just drove by and took the fine cut away for a viewing tonight. So if you want informed opinions, well, he's the boy to ask.

As for releases, commercially or privately, there are several venues already in work; one of which is a special Evening at the Writers Guild...Erik mentioned it as a possible way of "breaking" the film. But who the hell knows. It all gives me a fright, folks.

Trying to get rid of this damnable pox of a head cold, stufft and snurffling, Yr. Bal, Harbin 'Lson.

The sole reason lie detector tests are not admissable in court

You can invalidate a lie detector test by using a certain type of rhythmic breathing. Pro forma crooks do not know how to do this however.
Espionage agents are trained in this technique, but they give themselves away if they try to use it.

Looking forward to this documentary. You have got me and Cindy slobering for a copy!!

Ursine postscripts
*** DTS *** Yes, I'm sure Harlan would L-O-V-E it if we would do that. As long as this wild rumpus ends with Herzog filming the lot of us being eaten by bears. Or, y'know just records the screaming. I'm sure either would work for Harlan.

*** Harlan *** You have my sympathies. Along with my interest and fascination and curiosity, also sympathy. That just has to be three scoops of weird with whip cream and a cherry full of narcissism dipped in a syrup of horror.

Still, as long as it isn't as disturbing Robert Crumb and his brothers came off in the CRUMB biopic I'm sure you'll be fine.

- Barney

Bearbait, PA.

The Sharper the Better
Allow me to add my voice to the chorus of Webderlander approbation regarding "Dreams With Sharp Teeth." I've got a good feeling about this, and, should the aforesaid make it to a silver screen here in the Holy Hinterlands, I will be the first in line to see it.

DTS: I'm sure Harlan and Susan won't mind us all staying at their home for a couple of weeks--at their expense, of
course--as the pleasure of our eccentric company will be a more than adequate compensation. Can we bring our pets? All I have is a Komodo Dragon named Ralphie. Very cute and cuddly.

Tony Ravenscroft: I think the Official Harlan Ellison Action Figure is a terrific idea, so long as one of those "pithy phrases" includes the word "bugfuck." As in, "You shmucks on the Religious Right are totally bugfuck!"

Dreams With Sharp Teeth

Can't wait for the novelization!

KOS,

Don't tell any of the unworthy schmoes here I said this, but I agree with you. My tone was uncalled for.

It was late. About 2:30 am. I wuz tired. Ready to crash.

I wuz ir-AZIBLE.

A-T,

There are subtle differences in the kind of "stammering" you described of yourself and the kind we get from Bush.

It's hard to explain what I mean; but if you take Bush, often when he fucks up, there is sort of a detachment - a brief perplexity in his eyes - like he isn't aware that he's fucking up or isn't certain he knows what he's saying. YOUR "type" is more often - I think - accompanied by a reflex in the eyes, like you're aware that something came out wrong.

The other thing that comes out of Bush's mouth just as often is outright ignorance; he misstates facts as often as he mispronounces them. That's a lot more important.

And picking up from the point Barber made, it's one thing if an average Joe on the street has such problems; but I sure as hell don't want leader and spokesperson and "d'CIDER" of the most powerful country on the globe waving that handicap around. He has too many areas of business - from economic to diplomatic - that require great skill and quickness of thought.

That's why I don't want a President who's "jus' like you n'me".

"Better still if (like the "Simpsons" figures) the figure came associated with various pithy phrases."

There goes the kiddie market.

D.

For the record: as a local Grinch & general hater of tchotchkeles, I would personally adore having access to an Official Harlan Ellison Action Figure, as long as it had a typewriter & a store window to sit in. No, I am not in the least kidding -- I think having HE scowling in concentration on the shelf over my monitor would improve my focus.

Better still if (like the "Simpsons" figures) the figure came associated with various pithy phrases.

That's great! Will travel expenses be reimbursed as well?

Can we also have something along the lines of a Harlan the Crusader action figure to be come out along with the film?

The Harlan Ellison Show
HARLAN: Congrats! Looking forward to seeing it here in the heartland as well. And you realize, of course, that along with Williams and Levin, Herzong is going to have to shoot footage of Rick, Cindy (finally, the face behind the foul-talking mol), Rob, Zoe (dot-dot), Loftus, Barber, Barney and AaaaaaaLLLL of of your loyal Webderlanders and Flying Blue Monkeys (maybe the latter group could be seen in the credits).

Tell ya what, I'll handle the logistics on that last for ya.

ATTENTION FLYING BLUE MONKEYS and _ALL_ WEBDERLAND PERSONNEL: Immediately drop whatever you are doing and head to your local airport. Buy yourself a ticket to L.A. (make sure you fly into the airport named after the "President" who co-starred with a chimp). I want you to COORDINATE this maneveur among yourselves, so you all arrive on the same day, no later than three weeks from today. Harlan and Susan will be waiting for you all at the airport with peanuts and kool-aid. The dynamic duo will then load you onto a school bus (rented just for this ocassion) and take you to Ellison Wonderland, where you will be their guests for two weeks, while Mr. Herzog shoots film of you all running wild through the nooks and crannies of Harlan's house, touching and licking and disorganizing what is, essentially, Harlan's mind in 3-D. (Don't worry, Harlan loves it when "kids" get energetic and play with his doo-dads and expensive art pieces. And help yourself to any candy in the 'frig).

HARLAN & SUSAN: No need to thank me...no, no, really...
--DTS

Wonderful Malaprops
Steve:

I believe I can match you on your Dad story.

A few years ago, my dear Mother, up there in Connecticut, who is about a million miles away from dotty (still working full time at 75), wanted to impart some information on advantageous plane fares so I could come up and see her without breaking the bank. The airline she had in mind was then-new Jet Blue.

She could not think of the name.

She searched for it, though. “Blue Jet…Blue Something...Blue Job…”

I said, "BLUE JOB?"

"Ummm...yes, something like that..."

Bemused, I said, “Mom, I genuinely doubt that there’s an airline out there called Blue Job.”

My Dad gently informed her that he had to go along with me on that one.

The airline in question has been known, to my immediate family, as Blue Job ever since.

HARLAN:

Looking forward to the film, and sincerely envy you the chance to see it. Maybe I'll get to review it for Scifiweekly, but boy will that put the pressure on...

Dreams with Sharp Teeth
Harlan,

Did Erik produce the short bio of you shown at MiniCon? I think it was a half-hour piece originally shown on the Sci-Fi Channel. Is "Dreams With Sharp Teeth" an expanded version of that, or something completely different?

-Keith

ADAM-TROY: Fret not; frequent misproununciation is one of the hallmarks of being an autodidact. And autodidactism is often a good marker of intelligence.

Did you know that until I hit thirty, I thought that Jesus was born in a rhymes-with-hanger manger?

(Of all the many faults of King George the Last, I don't fret the "new-kew-leer" so much, though; it brings to mind Lenny Bruce's bit on LBJ's pronunciation of same--and despite my disagreements with a lot of his policies, I cannot deny that Lyndon was a cunning and smart fella.)

HARLAN: SOOOOOO looking forward to the flick.

Dear Harlan,

"Dreams With Sharp Teeth" is such a wonderful honor for you.

Since you're not the producer, you may not have the answers to my questions, but just in case:

What are the chances of Webderlanders getting a group screening?

(I don't mind paying for one.)

Will it be premiered at a festival or similar "special" venue (convention or conference/Nebula weekend), or will it be given a theatrical premiere?

Are there plans for HERC to offer it when it eventually (?) is released on DVD?

Humongous congratulations. I don't know that any other Speculative Fiction writer has been honored by such a film. If I had been asked which one should be the first, I would have picked you.

Just assure us that Norman Spinrad is in the film! (And no William Shatner?)

KOS

Please, oh please make sure someone reenacts the scene where Harlan runs off with a deadbeat publisher's typewriter!!

Sharp Teeth
Harlan, it's going to be great.





Yours in abject stoicism,

Jack

"Dreams With Sharp Teeth"

Omigod. Oboyoboyoboy!

I can't wait to see this thing. When and where will it be distributed? How?

Whoever has any sort of line on this thing, please keep us all in the loop!

As for me, it's the same old grind. I'm midway through rehearsals for a local production of "Junie B. Jones and a Little Monkey Business" (based on a highly successful recent children's book series that's pretty darn good) -- I'll be playing a singing, dancing elementary school principal, "The Boss of the School."

For a big switch, the weekend after that closes, I open in a small supporting role in a production of Tom Stoppard's delightfully witty and cerebral "Arcadia."

The local paper's books editor gave me Anne Lamott's new book to review. I'm also planning to write about a lousy bio of AC/DC and an interesting book by a biologist and earth chemist about dinosaurs and Earth's ancient atmosphere.

You know, the usual boring stuff. But I'm excited about this movie!

ASTOUNDERGASSED!
HARLAN: When I read your remarks about my recent post ("The Key to His Character") I couldn't have been more stunned had the Norman PD shot me with a Tazer.

So ... Thank You!

Your post made my day. Hell, it made my YEAR. To read it was such a MECHAIYEH!

No, I'm not a professional writer. I do have one wee claim to literary success, however: in 1994 I won the Tulsa City-County Library contest in the category of unpublished essay for "A Whole Lotta Sinnin' Goin' On," which was about the ex-Rev. Jimmy Swaggart. For that triumph, I received a check for $100 and five minutes in which to read publicly from my essay. As Oprah never called, I faded back into obscurity.

I've always written merely for the amusement of myself and my friends. I sent "Sinnin'" off more as an afterthought, really, never expecting that I'd actually win. Neither did I think that my post would elicit such a kind comment from you--or any comment, for that matter. That's the way life is: just when you least expect it ... POW!

Hm. I think I'll go rummage through some of my old writings. Might be something there after all ...

Once more, with feeling: THANK YOU, HARLAN!

Tongue Tied and Twisted...
Steve Barber wrote: **And yet, ten years ago, in announcing a wonderful family vacation, he told us we were going to the Hawaiian island of "Kawowie". I treasure that.**

It definitely sounds like you have reason to. I have to feel for him, though, because I fell prey to my own Hawaiian mispronunciation for the first year of my father's two-year tour. For the love of little green mangoes, I could not get it through my head that Likelike was not "lIk-lIk", but "likE-likE".


Sandra

breakin the law breakin the law
KOS, I deleted your second post today where you got stuffy with Rob over his getting patronizing with you.

Play nice, both of you. Or take it to the other boards.

Susan and I went, at 11 AM today, to the offices of Erik Nelson's Creative Differences, the award-winning film company responsible for Werner Herzog's astonishing GRIZZLY MAN. Erik is the guy who, eight years ago, met me and who, for the last (what? six? five? certainly four) years has been "making" the (what? documentary? living glyph? film essay?) thing that Susan and I saw for the very first time. It was what we call in The Biz a "fine cut," which is somewhere much much closer to a Final Exhibition Print than, oh, say, the rough cut, the Editor's cut, the Director's Cut, the Producer's Cut, or anything in-between. It was 92 minutes in length, remains to have both Robin Williams and Stu Levin added, but was pretty much like going to a movie. A real movie.

It is real. It is called (at the moment) DREAMS WITH SHARP TEETH. And when we got home after 4 PM, I collapsed. I do not know what to say. It was one of the most bewildering and petrifying experiences at which I've been an observer, in a long life BLOATED with weird and memorable experiences.

Only two other people to whom you have access -- Erik and Susan -- have seen it. Not even Josh has seen this cut. Nor Neil Gaiman. Both of them figure prominently in this...this...

You'll have to ask them to give opinions as to its merits. I am truly and sans humility speechless.

It was like being a disembodied spirit, floating invisibly above my open casket, hearing what everyone...ANYONE...would say about me when I'm gone. Erik says he was worried about me seeing it, on the ground that it smacked summat of seeing your entire life flash before your eyes.

I know Erik lurks here from time to time, and Susan is, of course, in this loop; but from me...well, I am ...

... Harlan

SCOTT:

Love to have'm; not sure I've got archive copies. So, yes, please, send'm to me, c/o HERC, PO Box 55548. Sherman Oaks, CA 91413-0548. Happy to recompense you as you wish.

Yr. Pal, Harlan

Harlan Recordings from the 90's
Harlan or Susan,

In doing some winter cleaning, I came across two recordings someone made at a convention appearance in the 1990's. My friend who attended the convention said they were offered to attendees, but the recordings don't look very offical. I didn't know if you were interested in receiving them for your own collection. One is entitiled "My Life in a Petri Dish" and the other is a "Target Audience" discussion panel with Harlan, Neil Gaiman, Stephen Brust and an editor of fantasy books. I would be more than happy to forward them along.

They bring a great smile upon every listen. Thanks for keeping me informed, enlightened and entertained.

Scott

"Your mind kicks ass."

Would that i can inspire such same comment this coming year.

It's a new one, do it well. Happiness and strength to all.
Paul

A-TC -
My father is, by all accounts, a man so brilliant even his progeny are forced to concede the point. He wrote such bestselling tomes as THE MILITARY AND AMERICAN SOCIETY, SOCIAL MOBILITY AND VOTING BEHAVIOR, and the more recent NAVAL SHIPHANDLER'S GUIDE. He has traveled the world, met and influenced people of power, and generally set the ed-yoo-cational bar so f***ing high that the next generation cannot see it, let alone challenge him.

And yet, ten years ago, in announcing a wonderful family vacation, he told us we were going to the Hawaiian island of "Kawowie".

I treasure that.

But I continue to insist that those with fingers on the new-clear trigger ought to be able to pruhnounce it proper.
______________________________________

Looking forward to meeting John Gillespie, Keith and Doug and others. Some real photo ops to be had.

See the rest a y'all in a week.

Shame-Faced Correction
See, even there I fuck up.

One key paragraph, below, omits a necessary sentence.

"I mispronounce words like crazy. My comprehension vocabulary, thanks to reading, exceeds my accurate pronounciation vocabulary. There are any number of times when I'm holding forth on some subject and I drop in a word that in context means exactly what I think it means. BUT ONE THAT IS MISPRONOUNCED IN SOME GROTESQUE MANNER. If I'm speaking to folks of equivalent or greater intelligence I get stunned double-takes."

Without that clarification I've made it sound as if I stun people on the rare occasions when I make sense.

Ah, well.

Aware that I have just set myself up for a shitstorm of cheap shots, I slink off in shame-faced misery.

Just Some Kind Words
Mr. Ellison,
A friend in college convinced me to check out your work a few years ago and I've since collected almost everything you've written. Your intensity has been a huge inspiration.

I recently read LOVE AIN'T NOTHING BUT SEX MISSPELLED and was deeply moved by a few of the stories in it. Thanks for your work.
-BrYaN

Parsing Bushspeak
Even that's not it.

Bush's problem is not just mispronounciation and garbled sentences that go nowhere.

I'm a stammerer. I repeat entire words and phrases. I go back and start over again. Part of the problem is my frequent inability to find the exact word my mind wants. When that happens I stop dead rather than go to a acceptable substitute, leaving dead air.

I mispronounce words like crazy. My comprehension vocabulary, thanks to reading, exceeds my accurate pronounciation vocabulary. There are any number of times when I'm holding forth on some subject and I drop in a word that in context means exactly what I think it means. If I'm speaking to folks of equivalent or greater intelligence I get stunned double-takes.

I can guard against both problems by speaking very carefully, but I can only go for short distances, as on the handful of occasions when I've been on the radio. My success is mixed. I'm sure that some people hearing me on convention panels think I'm a total stuttering idiot.

Ah, well.

None of this is meant as a defense of Dubya. There's a difference between the ailments that afflict my speech and those that afflict The President's. At least my conversation has content. You can hear thoughts being expressed. You can see at least some functional intelligence in the mind behind it. You can hear some real wit. I say this with no fear of exposing egotism, as it comes after already flattening myself with self-criticism. But that's not what you get with Bush. You listen to him answering a reporter's questions and you realize that all of that hemming and hawing and second-guessing and stammering is in service of a mind that honestly has no answers, that instead keeps retreating to a small handful of acceptable catch-phrases which can be sprinkled throughout off-the-cuff rhetoric to create the illusion of an adequate response. On the few occasions I have subjected myself to a George Bush press conference I have turned to my wife, and said, "Did he just say anything at all?" The answer is no. There have been times I wasn't even sure that he understood the question...!

New York City Get Together January 10
Our Forum Moderator Steve Barber will be in New York City next Wednesday and likely available for a late lunch. Anyone who would like to have a nosh and a chat is invited--please see the General section of the Forum for details.

My school

The dean told me "We"re gonna keep knocking you down. If you can still get up after 4 years we'll graduate you.

KOS,

No one should have to explain this to you, but the litmus test isn't the regional mispronunciation of one or two words; it's the rapid fire of "new" words people have never heard before accompanied by splintered attentions spans and garbled meanings.

When someone stumbles and stutters the way Bush does - symptomatic of a person who CAN'T read and DOESN'T read and is clearly a functional illiterate ("fool me once n'...fool me...da point iz ya can't fool me agin") - it is a red flag SUGGESTING, NOT absolutely indicative, that this is an intellectually handicapped idiot incapable of making coherent carefully researched decisions.

I sensed this was in Bush when I first heard him speak back in the race against Gore; I WAS right.

Get it?

Eisenhower pronounced it "nu-cu-lar" too. Turned out he was just an inarticulate Texan, and not an idiot as the Talking Head Class assumed.

Lots of smart folk assume anyone who says "reser-vore" for that big puddle what lies behind a dam, or "law-your" for an attorney must automatically be dumber than a sack of bricks. Those of us that, while speaking "hick" actually are smarter than said sack and who also know what the rest of you think of us, well, shucks, we have lots of fun taking your money and sleeping with your daughters. Be careful out there.

Just ask Arthur Byron Cover or Howard Waldrop about this.

Mark: You can survive. In about an eight month period, my ex kept my five year old son (our only child) from me for six months, I had surgery for cancer, my mother died, two days before her funeral her mother who was my last grandparent died suddenly. It was bad, yet I lived day to day, won the court battle for joint custody, and I am now engaged to a woman who is everything my first wife thought she was and never could be. Heck, and my fiance's name is Susan. Seems appropriate, since the last time I saw the girlfriend I broke up with before meeting Susan was also the day I met Harlan at WorldCon to exchange friendly greetings and first met -his- Susan.

You'll make it.

Mark Goldberg wrote:
"Ever hit that point where you are not sure if you will break out into hysterical laughter or sobbing uncontrollably?"
Oh, yes. My only advice is to keep those still close to you close. Hear their voices as often as possbile. Do what you can to avoid feeling all alone in this. You are not alone.

Larry wrote:
"Pat predicted that a tsunami would strike the US in 2006. According to the Associated Press, "Robertson on Tuesday cited last spring's heavy rains and flooding in New England as partly fulfilling the prediction.""

That sounds like something Criswell would say. He claimed (publicly) to be "Eighty-seven percent correct most of the time". Privately he said, "I couldn't look out the window and tell you what the weather was like, but these people think I can predict the future!" He sounds much more self aware than Robertson. Probably had a better sense of humor.

Chuck

LARRY IN NORMAN, OKLAHOMA:

I have no idea if you are a professional writer, or have ever considered writing for publication, but I am moved to tell you, sir, that you have a sublimely accurate ear for that hardest of all crafts, capturing accurately, precisely, idiomatically...spoken narrative.

That was an ASTONISHING performance, sir.

Knocked back with genuine admiration, Yr. Pal, Harlan

P.S. Wow!

***************
There is a scene in the Robin Williams film THE BIRDCAGE in which Williams' character, Armand, is coaching his lover, Nathan Lane's hysterical Albert, on how to act more "manly". After a few attempts at buttering bread, etc, Williams tells him to walk across the restaurant "like John Wayne".

Albert obliges, but then misinterprets Armand's shocked expression as criticism. Armand responds that the walking was exactly right, but that he never realized John Wayne walked like that...

***************

All of which leads me to the comment that Larry NAILED George Bush's speechifying beautifully. Well done, but kind of scary when you write it down like that.

__________________________________

Yesterday I took note of a minor brouhaha between actress Marina Sirtis and the Trekweb site over its (no apostrophe) reposting of some (apparently) unkind things she wrote on her message boards regarding ST 11 and a fellow ST actor.

We should note that whatever is written on this here Pavilion should be assumed to be public record.

(Not that we would let that stop us, but we should NOTE it nonetheless.)
_________________________________

Mark - Condolences on your loss, the timing is never good.

You've gotten lots of advice, but all of which seeks your protection and betterment. Take heed, and do it well.

The Key to His Character
James Palmer: Pat predicted that a tsunami would strike the US in 2006. According to the Associated Press, "Robertson on Tuesday cited last spring's heavy rains and flooding in New England as partly fulfilling the prediction." Partly? You'd think a prophet o' God could do better than that.

Jeff R.: I can't say for sure how God pronounces "nuclear," but I'm assuming it's the same way Bush does. After all, our president is apparently very chummy with the deity.

It may seem like a small thing, but I'm convinced that Bush's insistence on mispronouncing the word "nuclear" is the key to his character, in fact ...

WE INTERRUPT THIS POST TO BRING YOU AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT. WE ARE NOW CUTTING TO A PRESIDENTIAL PRESS CONFERENCE ALREADY IN PROGRESS:

REPORTER: Mr. President, just a few months ago you said you were "absolutely winning" the war to get the American people to pronounce "nuclear" as you do. Yet a Gallup Poll, released yesterday, shows that 70 percent of the public disagrees with your pronunciation. In light of that fact, Mr. President, do you still say that you're "absolutely winning"?

BUSH: That's a, that's a good question. Real good one. Glad to answer it. Uh, as y'all know, I'm not, uh, not a poll-driven kinda person. But I am aware of the polls, sure, and in light of that, uh, what you said, uh, I don't think I can honestly say that I'm absolutely winning this war.

Okay, but I'm not losing either, all right? Not losing. Just not winning. So, in answer to the question, "Is the American people learning MY pronuniciation of noo-cue-lur?" I gotta say, "No, they is ... uh, I mean, ARE not." But what you folks have to understand--I mean you folks in the media--is that you live in a reality-based world, while I live in a faith-based world. In other worlds, a word that's based ... uh, I mean, in other WORDS, a world that's basically faith, uh, based. Which means I've got lots of faith. Tons of faith. Ya gotta have faith, right? Faith is good. A good thing.

So, while you folks worry about polls and such, I have faith that MY pronunciation will win out. No doubt about it. Ya see, people always misunderestimate me. Gore did. Kerry did. I guess it's because I'm not so articulink. Don't always say things right, like the folks who write dictionaries do.

But look, the American people elected me to change things. And I am. I don't care if only Laura and Barney agree with my pronunciation of noo-cue-lur, I'm going to keep saying it that way. No other president in history has ever changed the pronunication of a word. That'll be my legacy: Change. Change the world, change a word. Gotta have change. Change is good.

Hey, it's been great talking to y'all, keep on saying "noo-cue-lur," and God Bless America!

My Condolences and God Comments
Mark: That's awful. But you're right, no one should have to deal with daily verbal abuse, especially from ones spouse and in-laws. While my own in-laws aren't exactly peaches (my father-in-law's moral, religous and political views makes Archie Bunker look like Al Franken), I've never had to deal with anything resembling what you've experienced. Just try to see this as a necessary start to a new beginning.

Brian: That's exactly what Pat and Jerry and all the rest _want_ us to think: that their path to religion is the only one (though there are plenty of religious liberals, they just don't have the money to advertise. Check out the book Politics & Piety for the _other_ view). They want us to think that if you really read the Bible, you'll be conservative just like them, and that God is just like these pompodoured buffoons and that they will be standing at the right hand of God in heaven, which only serves to remind me of the old Russian proverb: You go to heaven for the weather, and hell for the company.

Henry Kuttner and divorce
Harlan, quite right, "Private Eye" is by Kuttner. It was in Astounding SF sometime in 1949, under his "Lewis Padgett" sobriquet. I think Bob Silverberg reprinted it in one anothology or another. I only discovered it a year or so ago, while digging into my largely unread collection of antique ASFs.

And your advice is good for anyone getting involved in almost any legal matter. Also, it's a good idea to find out if tape recordings are permissable in your state (they are in Ohio) and be sure to tape any conversations involving you and the person you're playing legal games with.

I forgot.
Since you addressed me directly, Harlan, I'll post again because Rick said that's acceptable and because this is important to me.

I wanted to say thank you for what you did for me back then.
Your friend,
Cindy

Harlan,
I didn't see your post until after I clicked to post mine.

Your advice to Mark is golden, as always-- right on the mark. You did the same for me back in 1984. I remember at the time I wanted to just walk away with my kids, taking nothing. He cheated and all I wanted was out from under-- I wanted to stop hurting.You told me it was FOR my kids that I should not just crawl away. You said I owed it to them to fight for what was theirs and mine by right. You called my best friend Becky and told her what I was up against and what I needed to do. She helped me to follow your advice. You saved my kids and me from circumstances that would have made the tough times we had seem lavish by comparison.

You ARE the man.

:)
Cindy

Sad Shake Of Head
Wow, Mark. The hits just keep on coming, don't they?

Thank You
The news just keeps getting better for me. I received the call last night that my last grandmother passed away at the age of 90. Her passing was a mitzvah, as she was not even able to respond to questions when I saw her recently but her death leaves a very large hole in my life. Also, some of you know that I work at the local newspaper in Minneapolis, the Star Tribune. My paper was sold on 12/27 to a private equity firm and no one here knows exactly what the outcome from that will be.

I appreciate all of the advice and well wishes from Cindy, Alan, Alex Jay, and especially Harlan (if I forgot anyone, I sincerely apologize) but right now I am barely able to process anything. I will, however, promise to remain professional and not allow these events to affect my performance at work.

I will be leaving this afternoon to return to Philly, the funeral will be tomorrow, and then I will stay for a few days of shiva (how Jews mourn, usually with copious amount of food, read Harlan's story "Mom" for a detailed description).

If anyone remembers the old Punch Out video game, I feel like Glass Joe right now: Body blow, body blow, uppercut, just waiting for the knockout blow....

Ever hit that point where you are not sure if you will break out into hysterical laughter or sobbing uncontrollably?

Thank you again for all of your support,

Mark

MARK: Never been divorced; never been married--but I AM paranoid, and I DO work for the government, so let me just say this: SAY NO MORE.
As a matter of fact, I STRONGLY advise that you e-mail Rick and either ask him to elide any mentions of your name in tjis discussion, or ask him to move the whole schmear, lock, stock, and smoking damned gun, to the Forums, where they are at least safe behind a password-protected area. Lawyers got Google, after all.

(And maybe send him a nice thank-you gift or card; the man is overworked as it is.)

Mark,

Never been there, never done that, so all I can do is give condolences and sympathy. DO listen to those who were there at one (or more) time(s)like the new second lieutenant should listen to the battle-hardened NCO.

Best of luck to you in this shitstorm of a time.

Chuck

Divorce and cherry-picking
Tony, it's not "cherry-picking" when I correct the two things you got wrong in a post and make no comment on something in the same post you got right. You don't need me to tell you when you are right. It's not as if I am grading you, and should give you credit for the correct parts as well as demerits for the errors. I'm not giving out credits or demerits. I'm not grading your writing or judging your argument. I don't point out errors of fact from any desire to "score points"; it's that I love the truth. Go figure.

Heck, I even let slide your comment that the USA ended the war early just so Saddam could massacre the rebels, since that's something I have no data on. Bush 41 has denied it, but who knows what he really had in mind, other than him? I doubt it happened the way you assert, but you might be right because amoral nation-states (which they all are) do that sort of thing from time to time. It just seems a bit much. Saddam was gonna slay 'em all no matter what, given any chance, and the Coalition had no intention in 1991 of overthrowing Saddam themselves. They hoped the Iraqis would do it, and were willing to encourage them. Sure it's creepy and immoral, but you think international politics works on moral principles?

Divorce: I went through a particulary nasty one, and everything, EVERYTHING Harlan recommends is true IN SPADES!!!

Trust no one, play it like the final table at the World Series of Poker and you have hocked your children to pay your entrance fee, because that is EXACTLY what you have fallen into. The stakes are that high, and the cards are not being dealt on the square. Do not "play fair", but do not go looking for trouble. And when you get "the nuts" (a sure winner), hammer it home.

Remember that kids are smarter and more resilient than adults remember they were when they were kids. You keep your sanity, and the kids will be just fine.

KOS

CINDY:

Hey, old friend; I know you went through a real gullywasher of a deevorss. Does what I posted hereunder to Mark seem on- or off-the-money? Input requested. Hack where indicated.

h

Mark,
Sounds like leaving the wife was necessary for your survival-- but don't leave the babies. You'll never get over it and worse-- you will damage them if they lose you. It's completely understandable for you to want to run as far and as fast as you can from the pain, but in the end, if you go alone-- they will be the ones to pay your passage. They are entitled to you and you are entitled to them. Fight for them like there's no tomorrow. No matter what it takes out of you, don't give up and don't lose hope.

Good luck,

Cindy

p.s. Alan was right about the attorney and about not saying anything to disparage the mother to her children. They'll figure it all out for themselves when they grow up.

Does the preceding sound a tad paranoid? Ah so.

As Whitman said, "Do I contradict myself. Thus, I contradict myself. I am large. I contain multitudes."

Do I sound paranoid...?

Ah.

Just so.

Yr. Pal, Happily-Married Harlan

(4 time loser, 1 time big-time winner)

GIRDING FOR DIVORCE

MARK GOLDBERG:

Condolences, kiddo. Been there, done that, four times. I wish someone had been there, at least the first time, to tell ME what I'm about to impart to YOU -- so pay attention.

Here are the first things you should do. NOW. Not Friday, not next week, not when the blue cheese congeals, but NOW, tonight if possible; definitely tomorrow. (And DO NOT SHARE confidences of WHAT you are doing with ANYONE. No one. Not ANYONE. Do I make the message clear enough? Not your best buddy, not your favorite in-law, not the chick at work, not the talk show sob-sister, NO ONE.) Keep your counsel secret.

1. Hire an attorney. Be the first to file for divorce. Fast!

2. Be civil, but not too accomodating. No matter what you do, no matter how decent your intentions, you will be misperceived.
The man always is. Sorry, P.C. Police, but that's just the way of it. So be a good guy, but not a Casper Milquetoast. Make your wishes known.

3. Memorialize EVERYTHING! Every slur, every canard, every e.mail, letter, phone call, event, all of it: What you said, EXACTLY (not "well, I sorta said blahblah, and she kinda said blahblah."), what she said EXACTLY, where the kids were EXACTLY when you and she said blahblah, what house, what room, what date, what time. All of it. If you can, write it all down as perfectly and accurately as you can, as sooon immediately after the events as possible. Keep a closed diary. Date evrything. Keep all receipts, all bills, all check copies. Evidence, proof, venue!!!! Tell no one you're doing this. NO ONE. But memorialize every little trivial thing that impinges on the situation.

4. Spare the kids as much as possible. She will try to put them in the middle. Ignore it. Keep being their sane, happy, loving daddy. Ignore her Fifth Column remarks behind your back.

5. Keep your parents, and hers, as much out of the loop as possible. Trust none of them because they all "want what's best for you," and thus have their own agendas. Spare them, and spare yourself. Keep your own counsel, keep them cards close to your vest.

6. Walk the straight and narrow. Pretend the world is the one Henry Kuttner created in his short story "Private Eye," in which future technology comes up with a way of peeking into the past at all times, in even the smallest, most private, ways.
Cameras that see into the past. Invisible snoops, private eyes.

(I THINK it was Kuttner, late '40s, early '50s, but I could have mixed my auctorial memories. Well, anyhow...) Live your life till the week AFTER the divorce is FINAL as if Kuttner's private-eye was on you morning, noon, and night.

7. Do not suddenly become inept, moody, oblivious, wild, or anyotherdamnthing at work. Focus, muthuh! Look GOOD! Always LOOK GOOD, you're being watched. You may not think so, and maybe you're NOT, but........ACT AS IF YOU'RE BEING LOOKED AT 24/7. Act straight and true, accordingly.

8. If there's anything in that house that is YOURS by the terms of the law in Minneapolis, get it out NOW. Forget the tableware, the beds, the towels, the videos, blahblahblah. Get out the art pieces, the magazines and books, the collectibles that are YOURS. Rent a storage locker and get them out of there NOW! Itemize them, and make sure that she gets DATED (notarized, if possible, mail-dated return-receipt if by US Post) copies of each load you schlep away. Tell NO ONE where the goods are stashed. NO ONE. Not even your attorney.

9. This will be the hardest part--save for the kids--but you MUST get a vicious, fanged attorney. Do NOT get someone who is a mutual friend, do NOT use the family attorney, get a woman if possible, BUT...make enquiries of sources at least two-three degrees removed from your circle of friends and family, as to the names of three/four attorneys who specialize in a) divorce, b) family law settlements, or c) arbitration background. Do NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES try to do it yourself, and do not rely on dopey "well, we're dealing with it in a civil manner," polyannaism (because that will change fast, whether you like it or not, no matter how civil or decent you start out to be), and settle on an attorney that EVERYONE calls a "monster," because a sweetheart won't have the power to haul you through this and out the other side. Get someone fiercely honest and ethical, but most of all, get someone FIERCE.

If I've forgotten anything, just ask me short, tough specifics.

Again: condolences, kiddo.

Yr. Pal, Harlan

God knows... *sigh*

BARBER, YOU SEMILITERATE PLUG:

It's "whose," not "who's."

Cheezus, Cris, how do you maintain?!?!

Sgt. Harlan Ellison,
Royal Canadian Grammar Police

re: Bush and language
Bush's language "malapropisms" and "tortured syntax," as the easily amused mainstream news media usually refer to them, are consistent with dyslexia. Whether that is in fact the case, I cannot profess to know. But Gail Sheehy was alone among journalists in trying to raise the possibility, in a Vanity Fair piece published before the 2000 election and still available online, that candidate Bush may have had a learning disability. Bush sought to discredit the report by saying, "The woman who knew I had dyslexia, I never interviewed her," a statement which was in itself dyslexic.

Mark Goldberg

Divorce sucks. Been there.

Don't know how it works in your state. Court here never mentioned anything except financial records for the purpose of equal split.

Get an attorney asap. He will advise you what to do next.

Rule 1: Do NOT speak poorly of your wife/ex-wife in front of the children.

Rule 2: Do not speak poorly of your wife/ex-wife in front of anybody except your attorney or a therapist. Be a gentleman about it. You'll feel better about yourself at some point in the future.

Good luck to you.

I found Deathbird stories collecting dust on one of many shelves in the Ft. Sill Post Library, where I was stationed in 1997. I was only 19 at the time. I stood in line for the chow hall, my face in the book, and begin to realize that I had taken the wrong course in life. Mr. Ellison, thank you for showing me how importaint it is to be me, and not everyone elses version.

Your mind kicks ass.

Erroneous Intelligence

I remember when Bush was running against Gore in the first election, and people shrugged off his language deficiencies. "He's JUST like me n'you", so many would offer.

As Bush might put it, "it's impicabable".

I happen to think ones control on language reflects something about his likely intellectual tools; his range of inquisitiveness, flexibility, insight, and people skills. Auditory memory and processing disabilities is a term for problems with understanding and remembering words or sounds. A child may hear normally, but he or she may not remember key facts because his or her memory does not correctly store and interpret facts. This is not caused by a hearing problem—it happens when the brain fails to understand words or sounds the right way. I think Bush is a case like this one; I've always suspected he was lacking; and I suspected from the beginning that his language deficiency was a sign of low intelligence and wide tapestry of incompetence waiting to be staged. I was proven right.

Just ask Bush about what he thinks of Pat Robertson and you'll know.

re: criteria...
KEITH: Not sure that a guy who can still fleece thousands for a goodly sum of money (via the 700 Club and his webiste, to name a couple of sources), and who helped get Dubya and lots of other Fundamentalist politicians into the Catbird seat, could be described as "marginalized."
--DTS (an Atheist who aspires to Agnosticism)

I still have trouble dealing with people like Pat Robertson with any kind of emotional detachment. I take the doctrines of original sin and eternal damnation VERY personally. One of Harlan's "Glass Teat" entries mentions an encounter with a classmate who told him he was going to hell for not accepting Christ. I'm not Jewish but I have had the same thing said to me a couple of times, and each time it hurt deeply. It didn't matter that I do not believe in hell. It mattered that these people were using their belief systems to say that I'm evil and worthless and deserving of death. To my shame, if I was in Harlan's place I would have been extremely tempted to beat the hell out of the classmate, and I'm normally a very passive person around other people.

Since I did mention that I was going to confront the evil entity known as my mother in law, I thought I would share with you that outcome of that visit. I wish I was witty enough to make a sarcastic comment that would bring light to the situation but the truth is that was a disaster of epic proportions.

This visit was, unfortunately, the final straw in my relationship with my wife. I packed my things and moved out of my house on Monday. Leaving my 2 children is by far the most horrible experience of my life but I cannot continue to stay in a relationship where I am subject to constant verbal abuse.

Any and all advice on divorce and divorce proceedings, especially divorce mediation, would be greatly appreciated. I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season

Mark

No, Keith, no. Pat Robertson is still wealthy, he still has followers, and he still wields far more power than a sane society should ever tolerate. His continued success is a constant reminder that, if there really is a God, he is far more stupid and malign than we can comfortably imagine.

Geez, Harlan, you have pretty weak criteria
Pat is disgraced and marginalized. I think that's a damn good argument for the opposite. Robertson serves as a constant reminder to everyone of the dangers of religion, which, if I was God, I would think a good argument for Me.

-Keith (atheist) Cramer

Crap

There should be a question mark at the end of "noo-cue-ler?". (Changes the whole meaning of my post and doesn't leave the impression 'I' don't know how it's pronounced.)

Noo-cue-ler.

I believe that if you are one who's finger is poised on the trigger, the least we can expect is a knowledge of how to pronounce it.
______________________________________

I spoke with God just last week regarding Pat Robertson.

God told me that Pat Robertson was watching THE DAY AFTER on the SciFi Channel and mistaking it for a two-way conversation.

God told me he was yanking Robertson's cable service at the end of the month.

Question for Larry:
Did the Lord pronounce it "nuclear" or "nookoolor?" I hate to think that He's as dumb as He looks in some pictures of Him that I've seen.

Y'know how it is that I ABSOLUTELY KNOW there is no God?

Pat Robertson continues to live.

His Evil keep marchin' on.

No God. Fer shur.

Yr. Pal, Harlan

Re: God and Pat Have a Chat
Larry, the news story I heard also mentioned Pat getting a divine message that the U.S. would experience a tragic storm or tsunami (which is it?). Sounds like "God" likes hedging his bets.

God and Pat Have a Chat
For some reason, whenever God and Pat Robertson get together, the former becomes mighty talkative. Recently, those two had a chat and God told Pat that there would be a catastrophic terrorist attack on the US sometime after September of this year. The attack would result in "mass killing," and might involve the use of nuclear weaponry. I say "might" because God wasn't really clear on this point. As Pat put it, "I'm not necessarily saying it's going to be nuclear. The Lord didn't say nuclear."

If the Lord really wanted to be helpful, He could've imparted this information to Homeland Security, rather than to a certifiable ex-minister. But then, the Lord do work in mysterious ways. Come to think of it, it would have been nice of God to have clued in the clueless Bush administration about the 9/11 plot on 9/10. Oh wait, I forgot: according to Pat and Jerry Falwell, 9/11 was part of the divine plan to punish the US for letting homosexuals, feminists and the ACLU run amuck.

Now that Pat is merely a peripheral figure in the Religious Right, I'm sure it gives him a buzz when the media publicize his every prophetic belch. Don't go gentle into that good night / Prophesy, prophesy against the dying of the light!

All of which reminds me of the most fun prophet of them all: Oral Roberts. Back in the late seventies, Oral said that God had told him to build the City of Faith hospital in Tulsa, Oklahoma. The Lord even told him how many beds it was to have: 777. (In order to trump 666. Take that, Antichrist!) It was a struggle, and along the way Oral told of seeing a 900-foot-tall Jesus who delivered an inspiring speech to Oral. (Oral knew how tall Jesus was because he stood next to the nearly completed CoF.) Long story short: once it was built, nobody came. The resulting financial woes nearly sank Oral Roberts University and his evangelical association. I guess Oral's followers had already blown their life savings on the CoF and didn't have anything left over to finance a trip to Tulsa. Anyway, why does one need a hosptial when faith healing can get the job done for free?

Be healed!

With a few hours sleep under my belt...
...I beg your humble forgiveness for the typos and "what the fucks?" in the previous post. Just say no to sleep deprivation.

I have a place in my heart for Phil Foglio. I'd have offered a place in my gall bladder if it weren't for the surgery a few years back, and my pancreas is shot, but there is always a place in my heart for whimsy. One of the aspects of his work I appreciate the most is his eye for detail and the wonderful tendency to add scribbled giggles and homages to his work, minutae of the mind. Let's face it, anyone who manages to add "The Muppet Show"'s Gorilla Detector to his comic, _and makes it work_ without drawing attention to it at all. His "Girl Genius" (produced with his wife Kaja) and his "XXXenophile" are must reads for anyone looking for a reason to smile. If you don't feel like taking my word for it, take Mr. ellison's. He endorsed "The Big Book of XXXenophile".

Why is she telling us this? Because today was a minutae day. Big Picture days are the days when you feel so damn down you can't find anything of immediate value or worth in your life so you look at the big picture -- I have access to an internet connection; I am literate; I'm not starving; etc.. We each have our own versions of a big picture day, even if its having the liberty to make political commentary without being jailed or having various body parts docked.

Minutae days are ones that make the big picture all the more interesting. For example, it's only four days into 2007 and already my husband has been in the ER twice while trying to pass the Kidney Stone of Gibraltar. Barring unexpected complications, kidney stones "fuggin' hurt" (to quote my husband) but not life threatening. He won't die, I won't be left to raise to special needs children on my own, our house is still standing, and we have power. Yet I've been up 36 hours straight racing about after the kids, piecing together transportation to the hospital to avoid ambulance bills, supporting my husband as he brought up everything but toe nails and belly button lint, all the while trying to remember where I left the sock I put all my shit in. On the flip side, ignoring the house and my daily obligations has allowed me to focus on an older idea that's lurked in the shadows for nearly two years.

It's days like this that make the big picture all the more bearable because they take my mind off my problems at large. Happy New Year, folks, and here's hoping the minutae help us appreciate the big picture all the more.

Tony,

"The film "Snakes on a Plane" was shot as "Pacific Air Flight 121" -- title intelligently changed after Internet buzz."

Sadly, no. It was always gonna be Snakes On A Plane, no matter what the good internet gossip says. A lot of times, movies with provocative titles are changed during production to avoid problems. It's much easier to get locations for Pacific Air Flight 121 than for Snakes On A Plane. The Production Manager on A History of Violence did the same thing - imagine going door to door asking people if you can shoot A History of Violence in their homes. During production, we were called, simply, "History." Made it a LOT easier to get locations. (Coincidentally, he was also the PM on Snakes.)

mmm... cough syrup...
I celebrated the New Year by managing (barely) to dodge both bronchitis & pneumonia, & got back to work on building transit buses -- cursing engineers every few minutes for deciding (a) that major components can be fitted to tolerances of less that 1/10" & then (b) deciding "just one more wire" is going to somehow be even easier.

One marginally addled thought kept me grinning all afternoon. The film "Snakes on a Plane" was shot as "Pacific Air Flight 121" -- title intelligently changed after Internet buzz.

But I came up with a better alternative today, & it appears original, so here's an anchor for Goooogle:

"One of Our Planes is Hissing"

(badump-bump)

Anyway, I saw the "Law & Order: SVU" episode tonight with Brian Dennehy. I've been a huge fan of Dennehy for a couple of decades, truly an actor's actor -- greengrocer, butcher, truck driver, then one day he decides to be an actor & hooks up with community theatre. In this show, he's playing a guy with a heavy conscience, in the last few days of lung cancer.

My father died June 2005. Watching Dennehy set his character's life straight, I sat & cried for the last ten minutes of the show, because he had that old-lion defiance down perfectly, the last noble acts of a flawed man. This is possibly the best show I've seen since Peter Boyle's episode of "The X-Files." Wonderful stuff.

My thoughts on James Brown's Funeral
Since I am within driving distance of Augusta and also because I have been a fan of James Brown's music (I am, as all of you are, aware of his police record and political bent), a friend of mine asked me to write something for his blog. Should anyone be interested, it's here:

http://georgiasoul.blogspot.com

I would like to know what people think of it, but since this has nothing to do with Mr. Ellison's writing, please mail me at the address of ototwab. The domain is gmail.com

Even if you don't wish to read it, at least you can see what I look like if you decide to follow the link.

Brian Phillips

Yea, Harlan, I know you wanted to see Hussein swing, but the world is more complex then what serves the master that bloodlust begats. The complexities of international law are hard to chew, this is why people seem to like that knee-jerk slaying of the bull. It may feel good, but look at what the future will bring with such ideals. Sure, you are the same great guy we know and love, but I may keep my eyes on ya, pal. hehe.

I did wonder why Hussein was wearing a turtle neck sweater. Rope burns are undignified for clanky dictators.

This will just be our difference of opinion, but damn.

-------------

Wow. Duane stalked by a bear and Rob in county lockup. The year begins with a bang and not a whisper.
______________________________________

In addition to the typical New Year's Eve/Day whooping it up --you know, you get an extra glass of root beer, even though you're driving -- my wife and I managed to get to the movies for a coupla' good ones. If you like musicals a'la MOULIN ROUGE and CHICAGO, we got another of 'em in the form of DREAMGIRLS. Both of us loved it and thought it was one of the best films of the year. Jennifer Hudson is every bit the powerhouse they've been saying.

Also saw THE QUEEN with HRH Helen Mirren in the titular role. Powerful performances and an interesting insight into the British crown's thinking. Not my usual cup of tea, but a wonderful film nonetheless.

Next week, a review of SAW XXIII.
______________________________________

Wow -- Cool. I write -- if you can imagine -- like the Dickens.
______________________________________

Four days until we leave for DC and New York. We're not ready.

To all a good year
Duane,

That was a great little essay. You should offer it to someone for publication. I bet they take you up on it, and pay you money to boot!

I remember feeling like I was going to die in Costa Rica back in 2005, in a natural "untrammelled by man" setting. Definitely realigns the priorities. You say it very well.

Have a happy 2007 everyone!

-Keith