Unca Harlan's Art Deco Dining Pavilion

Archive - 12/06/03 to 2/2/2004

Unca Harlan's Art Deco Dining Pavilion

Oh...oh good heavens...some of the lads have just brought something to my attention, and if possible we would like to revise our previous statement:

Secure in the knowledge that he may have had had quite enough rooting for one day, we at the IASE are 'cheering' for Mr. Ellison. Cheering.

We shall endeavour to give more thought to our press releases in the future. We would like to apologize to Mr. Ellison for any painful memories our previous announcement may have caused. Good day.

Harlan: I hope everything went okay. We here at the Institute for the Advanced Study of Ellisonology (IASE) are rooting for you!

J

And it's a tie....P.A. Berman and Scott Reeston for the Innuendo Award...

M. Ellison:

Here's a thought, if you're cagey enough.

During my college days, I volunteered to be examined by residents hoping to make a career out of malpractice. I cheerfully demanded that I be the lab rat for the proctology exams, much to the consternation of Mel and my friends.

So I stood bent across the examination table, feeling the resident converting his right index finger into a specialized medical probe with the snap of the rubber glove. I felt a quick involuntary breath spasm from the coldness of the digit, then the fun merrily began.

After a few moments of feeling around, the resident expression suddenly changed. "There's some blockage", he said, "Something that shouldn't be there. A bit more excavation ensued, and he looked triumphant at removing the obstruction.

"What is it?!", I said, feigning mock terror, "A tumor?!"

"No", he said, "It looks like at note.".

A small frown appeared on his face as he read:

"You're getting warmer..."

Scott

I guess I'm an exception to the rule, then: I've never had my innards pic'ed. Barely even an X-ray, last time done when I broke my arms in a basement-stairs fall when I was 16 or so. By and large, apart from the usual colds and flu bouts, I'm generally a healthy person.

Heck, I don't even get my _outside_ photographed very often.

Reading Peter Biskind's new book, about indie films and the Sundance festivals. Dunno how it makes me think: on the one hand, it shows how other people have "made it," so suddenly it seems possible; on the other, it shows _why_ othet people have "made it," and it makes me think that maybe that industry's best given a wide, wide berth, because what sane person would want to deal with a crew like that?

Damn, but we all must have the most photographed innards of any bunch I've ever encountered. Personally, I've had two colonoscopies, an endoscopy (down the hatch), and a laparoscopy (incision through the navel) and I have the pictures to prove it. I think I tie with DTS for Most Photographed Guts on Webderland so far, but I should get extra points for having my belly button invaded.

Though I imagine this ain't the man's first foray into internal photogenics, still, Harlan, wishing you the best on your various procedures. Please let us know how it all goes.

PAB

Recommendation
I stopped reading the newspaper comic seciton after Calvin and Hobbes ceased, and Gary Larson retired the Far Side. Just came across a reason to read them again......Get Fuzzy. Everyone's local paper may or may not have it, but for a good laugh, check it out on dubyadubyadubya dot comics dot com. Today's is especially funny, but the past panels are pretty darn good, too.

-Keith

HARLAN: Best of luck with your "procedures" (He said euphemistically). Remember, all is for the best in the best of all possible worlds.

Steve "Pangloss" Dooner

To the bitter Eagles fans: NYAH NYAH NYAH.

To the victorious New England fans: Good game and congratulations.

To the defeated, but not broken, Carolina fans (I think there may be two including myself): Surprised a lot of people at how well we actually played and there will definitely be a next time.

To all the folks replaying the scene in JAWS where they're discussing old wounds: Ok, that's enough. We get the point.

To Harlan's eye: Don't blink.

To Harlan's ass: Don't pucker up.

Good luck.

Lee: Merci, mon ami--- dear daughter will be thrilled.

Rob: yer killin me! Fantastic Voyage.....heeheeheeeeeeee

Harlan: Best wishes, hey why doesn't Hallmark make a card that says "Thinking of you on the occasion of your colonoscopy"? If it were me, I'd go for the Versed.

Or shortly into the procedure an unearthly voice shakes the walls of the exam room intoning, "DO NOT OPEN UNTIL DOOOOOMSDAYYYY."

An Image You Don't Want
At the start of the Colonoscopy procedure, the doctor finds out it's a portal playing stock newsreel footage from the 1930s...

Most humbly and respectfully, I say Fuck the Panthers. Fuck Jake Delhomme. And Fuck the South too just because I'm being mean.

Sincerely,
A Bitter Eagles Fan

“I can’t believe that only yesterday I had ‘em out in snowsuits chopping ice with the golf clubs.”

- Linda while mopping up a trail of freshly thawed mud from the living room floor.


Dorie –

I mailed off the magazines Saturday. Got a good one with an Orlando Bloom interview in it, all in French.

And there’s even a fold-out poster in which he sports a ridiculous hair style with manly self-assurance!

The nobility of the defeated South
Let any yankee take undue pride at his own risk in the narrow triumph of the New England Patriots over noble Jake Delhomme and the scrappy Carolina Panthers. Next year all the way.

And Harlan, endure your disgusting medical trials with the same scrappiness and will to endure as shown by Louisianan Delhomme. (Both you and Julie ill -- that's unendurable.)

The "Procedures"
Harlan,

Perhaps they could pipe in Robert Klein's "Conoloscopy" song to sooth your jangled nerves.

BTW - Lasik on the same eye with the intra-ocular implant??

I had a colonoscopy in 2001, before my surgery to remove my colostomy bag. Because things were...umm...closed up, they went through the stoma, or the piece of intesting sticking out of my belly. I was very much out of it but remember watching the monitor and asking the doctor for a video. Out in the recovery room, coming back to what resembles (for me) my right mind, the doctor came out and handed me digital photos of the colonoscopy. They hang on my refrigerator. I even signed them. Someday, they'll go up on eBay.

Oh, I had the throat scope, too. I woke up choking on it at one point and needed to stay in the hospital overnight. My face was bright red from having choked so damn hard.

Take care,
Bill

WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE
ELLISON: Buck up, ya whimp! I've had the colonoscopy once already (they virtually knock ya out) and the other procedure (the camera down the throat bit) three (count 'em, three!) times already. And the first two times I had 'em do it _without_ any anesthetic (gave me new found respect for some of the things I've seen done in porno flicks). They wouldn't let me do it sans anesthesia the last time since they were shovin' a camera up my butt as well (and you thought YOU gave out too much info). As for the eyes, well...I once took a rock in the eye if that counts (lucked out -- just some stitches). Quite yer whinin'!
Sympathetically yours,
Dorman

Under the heading of TOO MUCH INFORMATION
or...CHARTER YACHTING IN YOUR COLON:

...uuuhhhhh!!...Thank you, Harlan. Thank you.

Yes...ooomffff!...it was a BIT more than I dun needed t'know.

Just thinkin' about it, I've a feeling shortly after 9:30 tomorrow morning I'm gonna start walkin’ funny.

To ease things, if worse comes to worse during this intrusion upon our persons...oooffff!...you can always pretend you're watching a remake...aaahhh!...of FANTASTIC VOYAGE.

Alex Jay Berman,
I missed responding to your post before.
You are right-- mostly. I wasn't speaking of people, only monsters. Dahmer, Manson,Speck etc. Without EMPIRICAL proof that the individual is guilty, I stand solidly on your side.
yer pal,
Cindy


Mark O.
I missed your post before. I'm sorry for the delay.You are quite correct. Inmates SHOULD be treated humanely and served good food.
I'm a jailbird myself having served 7 hours in the Glenwood Springs Jail for being disorganized and forgetful. I parked in a place that I thought was okay-- I LOOKED for a no parking sign and found none. So when I got the parking ticket I was going to contest it. I forgot the date so they sent me a letter stating that I NOW owed them some 170 bucks. I was a single, destitue mother with lots of kids and $170 may as well have been 170 GRAND, so I was DAMN sure going to fight THAT judgement. But I forgot to go to court that day as well. They arrested me and hauled me to the cop car. I was an inmate at the same Garfield County Jail that Ted Bundy had escaped from. The food was DEVINE and they allowed me to get a book. I chose Peter Benchley's The Island. I didn't get the chance to finish it though because my best friend Becky phoned an attorney who had helped me once in a child support matter. He thought the orange jumpsuit was wildly amusing. He asked me when I was going to take the law seriously. I told him, "Now! I take the law seriously NOW". He bailed me out with his own money. I was fine until I got outside. Once I was by myself, I cried. It's very upsetting to be locked up in jail. I never got in trouble again.

YES, I do understand the importance of good food and kind treatment for inmates. You feel like the underside of a BOOT to begin with; bad food could be the final push over the edge.
>
Anyway, I don't think we're so far apart on this.

Welcome, Mark O. I'm glad you're here among us!
:)
Cindy



Harlan,
I'll pray for you tomorrow morning and Tuesday.
Like I haven't always.
:)

HARLAN: As someone who might have to undergo a similarly-invasive procedure, I empathize, and hope your week is as pain-and-discomfort-free as possible.

HARLAN: Colonoscopies are nothing. As I'm used to downing a quart of water in a sitting, drinking the gallon of electrolytes wasn't so bad (the taste wasn't horrible, just not good). The running to the bathroom afterward wasn't particularly pleasant, but I have a mild case of ulcerative colitis, so it wasn't anything I'm not used to.
The actual process was interesting: Found out in the process that Demerol is yet another drug which hasn't any effect on me, but there was only a slightly unpleasant pressure on my stomach from inside--nothing like a John Hurt Alien feeling, but still.

The reason I know this was because one of the drugs they were going to give me was Versed, a Valium-like drug, which induces a mild amnesiac effect--to which I said, "No, thank you, Charlie," and refused that particular part of the procedure. I have enough epilepsy-induced missing parts of mindtime, so voluntarily taking one more was anathema to me. Swiss-cheesed though it may be in places, my mind is all I really have, and I ain't about to muddle further with it.
(An yes; I do regard the semioblivion of sleep as an insulting imposition; which may explain why I've always had insomnia)

I further weirded out the docs and nurses by insisting I wanted to be awake to watch the procedure being done on the TV screen. It was very interesting; not disgusting at all (which was indubitably helped by the fact that my nethers had already been all cleaned out). Got to watch them remove several benign polyps, and marveled at the fact that my innards take on the shape of an equilateral triangle. I recommend that you do the same and watch; it mayu set some story ideas a-burbling up--though I should add the caveat that another weird hallmark of my own physiology is that I tend not to feel pain--or, rather, I feel it but ignore it. So I dunno if the feeling of pressure I felt on the stomach might translate in another person as, "Jeezus GOD! I'm about to give birth! Get Ripley and the Space Marines to get this muthafugga OUTA me!!!"

ON THE SUBJECT OF STATUES, MINIBUSTS, AND STUFF:
I thing Randy Bowen and his team are talented beyond measure--but I have to say that personally, I haven't any use for minibusts. If I want a depiction of a character whose exploits on funny little pieces of paper have thrilled me, I want them depicted in all their glory. The exceptions to this would be the Jack Kirby bust (even though I would much rather have a full sculpture of the King poised at his drawing table) and the Sin City Marv bust. But the designs of Randy's which really call to me are the Mage and Grendel statues--those are brilliant.

The statue I REALLY want, however, is not a Bowen design--it's the ministatuette of Spider Jerusalem from TRANSMETROPOLITAN done by William Paquet. Captures the spirit of the book and character beautifully. The other one I like, but not enough to hunt down on eBay, is the Jack Knight Starman statue, sculpted by Tim Richmond. I loved the book and loved the character, perhaps overidentifying with him.
And I have to say I lust after the Pogo and Albert Classic Comic Character statuettes from the series Dark Horse is putting out (sculpted by "Yoe! Studios")--but I just can't see shelling out fifty bucks for a three-inch Pogo or a five-inch Albert, no matter HOW nifty a collectors' tin they come in. After all, for the hundred bucks that they would cost, I could add fifty and get nine hardcover reprints of Pogo collections.

This is why I tend to prefer action figures; I view them as re-poseable statues. The new Jimi Hendrix Deluxe figure (with a backdrop which invokes Woodstock) now sits proudly on my coffee table, waiting for the happy day they come out with a Stevie Ray Vaughan figure; on the same coffee table sits the Electric Chair Sin City Marv as well as the Muppet Labs playset with Dr. Bunsen and Beaker my friend got me for a birthday. he other Sin City figure sits on the windowsill, along with the Beatles Yellow Submarine figures (fallen, regularly knocked over by the cats), and on my desk at work stand the Yellow Submarine Blue Meanie and the recent Captain America figures. And right behind this computer are the Spider Jerusalem, Grendel, and Kabuki action figures, though they, too, are often subject to knockovers.

If I had the room and the cash, I'd probably buy a lot of statues, but for now, action figures--especially with the detail of sculpting now put into them--will suffice.

Colonoscopy
Harlan, as Adam said, the preparation is annoying, the procedure relatively painless. Have a feast afterwards and a good, long nap. Also, don't sign anything lest in your groggy state you sign over the house, Susan, etc. to some nasty person.
Cheers, Colleen

Colonoscopy
And sorry, but in light of the last post I did think of one other thing to note, which is that a colonoscopy is a genuinely painless procedure; the REAL annoyance being the twenty-four hours of digestive preparation for same.

(Had one, about two years ago. The day before it was not pleasant. The colonoscopy itself was a non-event.)

Lasik
Well, as long as you don't need surgery on any of the gooshy stuff in between, you're in good shape.

(Good luck.)

Under the heading of TOO MUCH INFORMATION:

Tomorrow morning, nine-thirty, the colonoscopy procedure.

Wednesday, early morning, the lasik surgery on the right eye.

Why should I suffer alone. If I'm goin' down, I'll take the rest'a you fuggerz wit' me!!!

Harlan

Jay, that one takes me right back to high school....breaking into a chorus of "Bitter Dregs" was a guaranteed laugh. At one point I think we rewrote the lyrics: better drugs, it was....one of my school pals is now a well-known criminal lawyer whose face is always on the TV for high-profile cases...and nearly 30 years on, I can STILL get him to choke on his beer just by singing a few lines of that deeply moving ballad :)

SUSAN

I sent the check off today for the following:

DEMON WITH A GLASS HAND graphic novel. DC Comics, 1986.
OVER THE EDGE. Paperback, Belmont, May 1970. FIRST EDITION.
THE TWILIGHT ZONE #1. Comic Book. Newsstand cover.
SHATTERDAY. Hutchinson, 1982. British Hardcover.
DANGEROUS VISIONS--Sphere, 3-set edition.

I’d appreciate it deeply if you could go on and send over the ‘Beast

You just never know if international mail is going to take one week or one month!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tommy Allison posting from Minneapolis reminds me of another major BBQ mecca: Pig Market BBQ. My family is mostly from Georgia and Alabama, so I’m genetically pre-disposed to dismiss BBQ prepared north of the Mason-Dixon line. But in spite of it’s geographic handicap, the Pig Market BBQ is one of the best rib shacks I’ve ever been to. Beef or pork, with a good tomato base sauce that doesn't get too sweet. It's all about the meat at Pig Market, and in silent testament to the irresistibility of the product, the cook weighs at least 350 pounds.

And its antithesis
"....oh-ohhhh, bitter dregs."

"remember sammy jenkis"
I can hardly stand to hear, "The City on the Edge of Forever" and the name Gene Roddenberry spoken in the course of the same conversation.

I no longer equate the two. Nor do I equate "The City on the Edge of Forever" with that travesty that Roddenberry...shat (beg pardon).

It's come to this. "The City on the Edge of Forever" is an award-winning script by Harlan Ellison. That is what it is to me. Something important and no longer to be sullied by the ill effects of bad company.

I would like to point out that I have this learning disability that makes it difficult for me to memorize anything; (it limits my reading speed as well-which is hell). Children's birthdays, important meetings, they escape me. Half the time I cannot remember where I put my list of things to remember. I lost two Franlin Planners...last year alone. But I have memorized this from Unca Harlan's sterling script.

The line that made me weep:


Spock
(gently)
On my world the nights are very long.
The sound of the silver birds against
the sky is very sweet. My people know
there is always time enough for
everything. You could come with me
for a rest. You would feel comfortable
there.


It's time for my annual reading of "Grail", I can feel it.

"...there is always time enough for everything."



Humbly,

Neal

HARLAN: What an awful, nullifying, "rip your throat" violence it must have been to have a script that sang as well as "City of the Edge of Forever" trifled with by a fool who wrote bad episodes of Police Story. Let me just add, as one of the huddled millions, that we know "light-fingers" Roddenberry added insult to injury by pilfering ideas from your script. There in the second season of his show was the very "Pirate Ship" concept, cut from your script, as an entire episode. In another episode, I see people using gem drugs. Almost everything he criticized or cut wound up trickling into other episodes. If he complained that your script was unfilmable, why did he film it so goddamn many times.

I am also amazed that he stole liberally from your esteemed colleagues, including the wholesale theft of the Puppet Masters for one of his episodes. I know you are known to be a one of our most vocal defenders of art today, but it occurred to me, as you wrote yesterday, what a silence you have bourn over the years.

In lasting admiration of the work you have done,

Steven Dooner

WHEN THE SAINTS COME MARCHING IN

To Danny:

The Tulku turned Lamont Cranston into the Shadow and I don't think even HE could do what you just achieved: single-handedly turning Harlan into an Evangelist; 'least as close to it as he'll ever be. I'm awstruck. I'm thoroughly humbled. Yet, anything that makes the Man this delighted makes me happy too.

Having said that, I had a good time reading your reactions to CITY ON THE EDGE OF FOREVER as well.

And, shit, man, welcome to the War Wagon. We fight here. We drink here. We make merry.

Your comments compelled me to turn to Amazon.com and find some of those passages. I got sidetracked by something else. A problem with Amazon itself; one reminding me of the reason I avoid many sites these days and why Harlan himself reproaches the Internet for inaccurate statements and brashness.

Examples (though frivolous, perhaps, they demonstrate how inattentive people in e-commerce really are - which is my whole point):

"He (Harlan) wrote the original teleplay for the first Star Trek TV series' most popular episode (in which Kirk and Spock leap through a time gate into 1930s Chicago in order to prevent history being changed)..."

OK. Who cares where the episode was set, right? Yet, the Brooklyn Bridge - flashed memorably across the t.v. screen at one point - is a hard landmark to place in Chicago...at least in my mind.

"The long, rambling essay exorciates pretty much everyone ever involved with Star Trek. Ellison refutes every word of criticism levelled against his teleplay by Roddenberry, Shatner, et al., and he does it without his trademark black humour. Granted, it's hard to be humourous about things when Roddenberry and the hard-core Trekkies have been spreading mistruths about why your screenplay got hacked to pieces for the last thirty years, especially Roddenberry's blatant lie that Ellison had "Scotty dealing drugs," a lie Roddenberry continued to spread despite being corrected on numerous occasions. Still, Ellison's bitter catharsis is hard going. Ellison really could have used a good editor. And White Wolf publishing really could use a good copy editor. The essay is hard enough to follow without the _dozens_ of misspellings and grammatical errors that slipped through".

"Still, this is a must read for fans of Ellison and Star Trek, and a chance for both to think of what might have been"

OK. I'd have to look at the edition. I've looked at many, many books by Harlan; this is not among them. I can state nothing about supposed editorial problems therein. Yet, I've never found Harlan's "stream-of-consciousness" style essays tough to follow. In fact, they are relaxing, stimulating, personable, fun, and addictive. I found the passage to be condescending. That was MY reaction, anyway. I mean first it's long and rambling, as if failing in its objective; THEN it's a "must read" for fans.

In fact, for a site trying to sell its goods, there seemed to be almost a tone of underlying resentment in some of the comments; as if Harlan were dissolute for aiming so much criticism at hams like Shatner and Roddenberry.

I dunno. Maybe I'm a bit protective; but when heavy and possibly unfair criticism is directed at an author, higher expectations are held for factual accuracy - even in a plot summary. Otherwise, the arrogance is all I'm going to take home with me.

This is not the first time I've found gaffes in Amazon, either.

While I'm GLAD they outlined the history of that episode with accuracy - depicting Roddenberry in the role he REALLY played, they did it almost as if resenting Harlan for expressing himself as he chooses.

YOU did a much better job selling me on it than THEY did. Because you expressed a passion in the work. There is no better asset for a salesman and that's what Amazon needs to understand.

REPLY TO DANNY MARTINEZ

Blessings be upon your noble brow, Master Martinez. Welcome to our warm little burrow (aka "borough") and seven multimillion thankees for your salutary Star Trek observations. I am weeping without shame at your kindness and perceptivity.

After all these years of languishing in the keep of the evil tv producer, chained to the wall and being forced to watch reruns of Trek with my eyes wedged open using broken toothpicks (like Alex in A CLOCKWORK ORANGE), tortured endlessly with repetitions of Shatner monologues, hanging there like an unused glottal stop, the only light a fitful refraction of coaxial cruelty, my brain slowly turning to Cream of Wheat ... after all these decades of unjust calumny, at last one of the faithful has seen the truth and exonerates me from the vile accusations.

If I were a religious man, I would raise hosannahs ahigh to the blessed Saint Cindy, and kiss the hem of your alb.

Again, welcome to th'hood.

Yr. pal, Harlan

Old news to everyone but me
Hello, Harlan! I'm a casual fan of Star Trek, and just surfed here from Amazon.com, where I read an excerpt of your introduction to your book, "The City On The Edge Of Forever". I'm still laughing -- laughing with you. The first time I saw that Star Trek episode, at the tender age of *six*, it was bloody obvious that Edith Keeler's dialogue about a glorious utopian future fit in about as smoothly and unobtrusively as a robed Klansman at a NAACP meeting, and had been clumsily jammed into the script. They probably had to use a crowbar to do it. It was as if all action and dialogue had abruptly paused, Kirk and Spock had lowered their trousers and silently mooned the camera for five seconds, and then the episode resumed normally without any elaboration or comment. I didn't know much about writing, and still don't, but it was clear that something was, well ... *wrong*. But then again, any kid knows the difference between good storytelling and an awkward attempt to Preach A Message. So much for Roddenberry's skill at "cleaning up" a script! That episode is still one of my favorites -- they certainly couldn't ruin all of it -- but my reaction at reading your intro at Amazon was "oh, so *that's* what happened!" I've ordered the book, and am looking forward to reading the original script. Anyway, I know you've taken a lot of crap from the Trekkie crowd over the years, and I wanted to let you know that there are people out there who can tell the difference between good work and bad work ... and who know *mangled* good work when they see it, even if they don't know all the "inside story." Best wishes,

Danny Martinez

P.S. Lay it on me, Ellison!

What AMAZING Creations!!!!!!
How lovely!!!!!! How utterly charming!!!

I'm smitten with FIN FANG FOOM. What a delightful piece! THEN, poking around the website I found a relic from my youth-- a character beloved and yet forgotten. You could have bowled me over with an air fern when I stumbled upon Fritz the Cat!!! I couldn't BELIEVE it! Fritz the Cat. I was young enough that I thought he was only indigenous to Austin, relegated to the drag at UT. Geeze, Fritz the Cat.

FIN FANG FOOM AND FRITZ-- I LOVE it!

Thanks for pointing the way, I enjoyed the art immensely.

:)
Cindy


BRIAN,
The sure cure for what you describe is indifference. Either she'll change tack or she'll be your friend. If the former, good for you. If the latter, still good for you.

Good luck,
Cindy

CNN didn't have the quote, but the local rag has Kathy Cox saying that evolution is "a buzzword that causes a lot of negative reactions." Oh, really? And here I thought it was all the chocolate I was eating that was causing my negative reactions.

I didn't realize, though, that Linda Tripp changed her name and is now a state school superintendent in Georgia.

By the way, if anyone has ANY interest in the Super Bowl, no matter how slight, you must start reading the Sports Guy's blogs. Fantastic and funny stuff. Really. Go. Now. Read.

2nd post, because of my bad
Sorry, I was misinformed. A biology teacher told me that today, and I passed it on without confirming it myself. It's not true; Illinois does use "evolution" in its standards.

http://www.isbe.net/profprep/CASCDvr/pdfs/27150_biology.pdf

>This proposal is so moronic, even CREATIONISTS are up in arms about it. <

It's been standard policy in Illinois for years. Hopefully our Governor will be successful in eliminating our state board of education, per his plan.

Hello Mr. Ellison; long time reader, 1st time poster
I just wanted to say that I have enjoyed your works since 1981 (last year of High School) and I have several well worn copies of "Angry Candy" & "Gentleman Junkie" which I have lent to several associates. Let me know if you ever come to Jupiter and I'll buy you a decent meal.

Blee
Cheer up, Lurker Mull -- sometimes those drunken posts just get away from one like ice weasels galloping across the frozen tundra. Or minks. Or even fishers.

Come to think of it, 'Lurker Mull' sounds like an A.E. Van Vogt character.

TTFN, Jon

I'm at work, a grant's going out the door _on time_, partly because I'm so damn good at doing this stuff, and I can take a quick five-minute break.

To Jim Davis, who wrote: "As for Valentine's Day, I believe it was designed to pick off all the stragglers who didn't kill themselves earlier in the holiday season. Think about it: First you have Thanksgiving, then Chanukah, Christmas and Kwaanzaa, then New Year's, and then you finish it off with a day that SPECIFICALLY shows you up for the lonely, pathetic bastard you really are. Why not just call it You Will Die Alone And No One Will Discover Your Rotting Corpse For Weeks Until The Stench Forces The Neighbors To Call The Police Day, and be done with it?"

I hear ya, man. but we will _survive_, dammit.

To Harlan: Thanks for the heads-up on Ming and Flash. BTW, this April 1st, Disney's releasing a bunch of limited collectibles for _20,000 Leagues Under the Sea_. I can't wait.

Oh, and for everyone, the Voice of Sanity and Reason has been heard once again. Once again, it emanates from the throat of Katha Pollitt, and it can be read at http://www.thenation.com/doc.mhtml?i=20040216&s=pollitt

Highly recommended. Read it, and feel the caress of sweet reason.

Hola Harlan!!!!
Harlan!

Hope all is well with you. Things are good here in Minnesota. With the -40 windchills, and the frosted windows, it makes for inspired writing.

Finished Angry Candy which you sent. I'll hopefully be able to score some more books in exchange for some more statues from my shop.

Take Care my friend.

Tommy Allison

I apologize for the previous post. And I appreciate Justin¡¯s persnickety response. Honestly, brother.

It wasn¡¯t the best thing to do after a night of celebration ¨C too many beers, too much rum. ¡°Nancy [Whiskey, that is] cast her spell on me,¡± to quote Shane MacGowan, who, come to think of it, I shouldn¡¯t be taking cues from.
We¡¯d gotten to talking about some of our favorites, Mr. Ellison¡¯s name inevitably came up, and, once home, I decided to net and act on a thought that had fluttered through my mind when I saw his story in the anthology.
Like summer in Tucson, it just weren¡¯t cool, so I¡¯ll say it again, to Harlan, ¡°I apologize.¡±

By the way Justin, there isn¡¯t a writer on the faculty here, from full profs (among whom there are one or two damn fine fictioneers) to underlings such as myself, that would consider themselves a writing "instructor." There¡¯s simply no such thing, and anyone who claims to be is up to his, or her, eyeballs in pretentious bullshit.

Humbly lurking on,
John

The world is a cyclotron of stupidity #384,579

This just in:

Kathy Cox, Georgia's State Superintendent of Schools, wants to remove the word "evolution" from the science curriculum. Mind you, she doesn't want to ban the TEACHING of evolution, she just wants it to be called something else. This proposal is so moronic, even CREATIONISTS are up in arms about it. For the whole sickening story, go to http://www.cnn.com/2004/EDUCATION/01/30/striking.evolution.ap/index.html

As for Valentine's Day, I believe it was designed to pick off all the stragglers who didn't kill themselves earlier in the holiday season. Think about it: First you have Thanksgiving, then Chanukah, Christmas and Kwaanzaa, then New Year's, and then you finish it off with a day that SPECIFICALLY shows you up for the lonely, pathetic bastard you really are. Why not just call it You Will Die Alone And No One Will Discover Your Rotting Corpse For Weeks Until The Stench Forces The Neighbors To Call The Police Day, and be done with it?

(Don't mind me. A relationship recently went south, and I'm playing the part of Ol'Man Bitters to the hilt.)

(And a Happy Valentine's Day to Susan and all the other ladies of Webderland. Really.)

Bowen
Okay, never been a Flash Gordon fan, but what the hey - I love Bowen's work, so I figured I'd take a peek. Then I fell in love with one I hadn't seen before: Zorro!

http://www.bowendesigns.com/exe/product?section=miniBusts&product=11

My god, I must have that one. "Mark of Zorro" is still the epitome of a great action movie to me, and Bowen's design is just gorgeous.

(That said, I do have one other sculptor whose work I admire in this genre - Alex Ross, in the few that he has done himself, has done superb work. I especially like the one I have, of Wolverine from the "Earth X" series. I wish I had a better pic: http://www2.gol.com/users/wizz/AFS_LOGAN_MB.JPG)

Oh, and thanks for the recommendations, Alejandro.

Dear Harlan

Get well soon. Fill those eyes with more wonder. Muah!

Heather

I see the quality of creative writing instruction at the U of A remains consistent.

MULL:

Site, not sight.

"Huzzah" COMMA by the way.

Either request or question will do. “Request, question,” is daft as a sorority mixer.

The, not “th.”

“I, as I assume everyone else is, fascinated.” I is fascinated?

Heroes, not heros.

I hope that helps.

NOT a fucking writing student,

Justin

HARLAN: Sounds _very_ cool. (And there were probably a few guys, like me, who knew this was suggestion for women, but damn -- your teaser made it tough to resist asking). But since one has to go through several hurdles (registration, etc) to view some of the pieces, I may not actually see it till later today or tomorrow (Not being an everyday surfer, it took me three or four trys before realizing that in order to view what you described, one has to register; yes, I'm slow). Thanks for that very vivid descripton. (And sorry, everyone, for the mispellings below -- back to work!)
--DTS

Joseph:

It's okay, nothing really to get too excited about. Now, if you want some kick ass Mexican food, Adobo Grill and Nuevo León on 18th Street are the places to go.

I've benn told of some other very god Mexican restairants on 18th and 26th Street and some on Cermak that I have yet to try. But those two are really superb (the guacamole in Adobo Grill is, may I repeat myself?, to die for.

Alejandro

THE WONDERFUL GIFT!!!!!

When it arrived here two days ago -- as a gift from my friend, the sculptor, Randy Bowen, and his terrific wife, Rocky -- I couldn't believe the thrill that went up my spine. Now, maybe it's just me, but this is one of the swellest things I've ever received; and I realized, of an instant, that it was the perfect Valentine's Day gift for a woman to give to a male of her acquaintance.

(I was surprised at how many of you who wanted me to "lay it on' you, didn't pick up on the female-giving-to-male aspect. I mean, if a guy wants to buy it for himself, well, sure, that makes sense; but as an overage adolescent, I perceive that this is more a guy-thing than a unisex-thing, though I know there are oodles of women who enjoy the source material.)

Well, I won't keep you in suspense, not a moment longer.

Randy Bowen is to the current crop of sculptors of figural miniatures of comic characters and adventure fiction icons, as The Maracot Deep is to the puddles left when you watered your plants. His sculptures -- ranging from DC and Marvel and Dark Horse characters, to The Shadow, Zorro, the golden age Daredevil and dozens of others -- are splendid and spectacular. You can discern a Bowen out of a display of 50 different sculptural figures with one blink. They are the kind of artifacts that, were you ten years old again, you'd be the drooling envy of every kid on your block. They're the sort of wonder you'd take for "show&tell." What I'm babbling about is ART not cheap comic-crap produced from a vat. This is The Real Thing!

Well, Randy has just released a twin-pack of two mini-busts ... one of them is FLASH GORDON ... and the other is (wait for it)... MING THE MERCILESS!!!!! And, ogawd, they are nift-EE!

Each one is only 6 inches tall, a perfect height for bookcase or desk. They're fully and intimately painted. They're replications of the great Alex Raymond version of Flash and his nemesis. Their faces are real faces, not that goony, corny, plastic-frozen simulacra you see on "action figures." They come in a spiffy full-color box, packed like Faberge eggs. And for any guy who never grew up, this is THE offbeat, remarkable, the-guy-will-love-you-forever gift.

You should go to Randy's website at

www.BowenDesigns.com

and look at them.

The rest of Randy's wares are also not too dusty; but I warn you, once bought, lost forever. You'll go nuts over his artistry. But if you want to be safe, just show the website to your lady friend/wife/mother/whatever and look longingly.

IMPORTANT ADVISORY: I just called Bowen Designs to find out the price of the twin-pack. It's only $60 plus postage. But the catch is this: there are only a very few left. It's a LIMITED EDITION and people have been snatching them up since they were released a month or so ago.

In fact, if you are as impressed when you see the photos of them as I was when I opened my giftie, then you might just want to call direct: (503)786-0542.

If I turn you on to nothing else this season, I can go to my eternal rest knowing that anyone who gets Flash and Ming will have an Ellison-generated smile on his (or, hell, her) face for decades to come. Tell 'em "Harlan sent me" and you'll get preferential treatment ... unless they're all gone.

Yr. pal, Harlan (age 7)

Ummm..sock it to me...I mean "lay it on me, Ellison"

Advice for the lovelorn; joke o' the day
BRIAN: Just because _you_ felt there was something more to be pursued when you and the woman in question had friendly conversation and discussed things of an intimate nature, doesn't mean _she_ did. That's stating the obvious, but it seems to me that we men NEED to be reminded of the obvious where relations with the opposite sex are concerned. Even though you are being a gentleman and showing maturity when deciding to remain friends, you STILL had to convince yourself to do so. If the stituation involved a guy with whom you hit off well and felt comfortable around, and you weren't attracted to him, you wouldn't be fretting so much over the fact that you guys weren't an "item." Most of the friends I've had in life have been women; and, perhaps being an oddity, I've found 95% of them to be attractive, beguiling, cute, gorgeous, sexy, tempting...but I never acted (or thought of presuming to act) on those feelings unless the woman made it perfectly clear that she was interested in such actions. (Hhow's that for a messed-up sentence?) I really do believe we men can fool ourselves into believing that a woman wants more from us than she does -- which explains why we always trying to fix a "problem" when all a woman usually wants is a sympthetic ear. By the way (and you're required to take this with humor), anyone who turns down an offer of free books has got to question his judgement on various levels (I ended up giving those extra Dan Simmons books -- offered to you via your email address -- to someone else -- you're loss, bud).
JOKE O'THE DAY:
A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches. After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said:
"Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
"You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches you've been experiencing. So the only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Jerry was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he eventually left the hospital Jerry was pleasantly surprised at how good it felt not to have a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also knew that he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a fresh start and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought to himself a new suit would be the perfect thing to mark this new beginning.
He entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said: "Let's see... size 44 long?"
"That's right, how did you know?" said Jerry, laughing.
"I've been in the business 60 years!" replied the tailor.
Jerry tried on the suit and it fit like a glove. As Jerry admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about a new shirt?" Jerry thought for a moment and then agreed.
The salesman eyed Jerry again. "Let's see... 34 sleeve and 16-and-a-half neck?" Once again, Jerry was surprised.
"That's right, how did you know?"
"Like I said, I've been in the business 60 years!"
So Jerry tried on the shirt, and it was a perfect fit. As he adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about new shoes?" Jerry was on a roll and so thought, why not?
So the salesman eyed Jerry's feet and said: "Let's see... you must be a size nine-and-a-half?" Jerry was astonished.
"That's absolutely right! How did you know?"
"Young fellow," said the salesman, "I've been in the business long enough to know these things!" Jerry tried on the shoes and they were also a remarkable fit. He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked: "So that only leaves the new underwear. How about it?" Jerry thought for a second and agreed.
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said: "Let's see... size 36." Jerry laughed.
"Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head. "There's no way. I'm never wrong. You can't wear a size 34."
"Oh yes I can," replied Jerry and have been most of my life.
"I don't understand," said the tailor. "By my reckoning a 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"
(insert rimshot)

And add my name to the list: Lay it on me Ellison!
--DTS

Hey, Alejandro, what's your opinion of Mexicano Lindo over at Lincoln, between Fullerton and Diversey?

re: Chicago
Thanks, folks. My cup runneth over... as, likely, will my gut over my belt. My only question now is, how can I ditch work for the extent of my Chicago stay?

Oh, one other thing... a matter of research... lay it on me, Mr. E!

Michael:

I know the place. It used to be by Sheffield and Wrightwood if I am not mistaken. Right across the street from Cubanacan Supermarket. When the missus and I moved to the Windy City more than 15 years ago, our first residence was at an apartment bilding on the corner of Racine and Webster. You can imagine our surprise when, walking 'round the 'hood, we found this classy Cuban joint and the grocery store across the street. Alas, gentrification forced them out; the owners of both closed the venues for good.

The Ambassadors Café on the corner of Addison and Ashland is the closest Cuban restaurant in the DePaul area. Although, if you are honkering for some mean-ass ropa vieja, go to Sabor a Cuba on the 1800 block of West Wilson or Rancho Luna on the 30-hundred-and-something block of West Peterson on the far North side. They also serve some kick-ass Ham Croquettes and the Cuban sandwiches at Rancho Luna are to die for.

Alejandro

Unca Harlan, Lay it on me.

All: Taking the prisoner/coddling thread to the other room for clarification. Join me there, won't you?

DISCLAIMER: This is not meant to be a defense of the guy who posted gruesome descriptions of his crimes on the Internet.

I have a hard time understanding why people think that access to a TV or a computer, or a weight room, would make prison too much "fun" for the inmates. I once had a co-worker tell me he thought it was wrong that prisoners could take GED and college classes in jail because they were supposed to be suffering, so why should they get educated? How absurd and counterproductive, IMO. Don't we WANT them to try to improve themselves? Prison usually teaches inmates to be better criminals; I applaud those who'd rather be students.

Even if the system is going to keep someone in prison for life, some provision must be made for the fact that these are human beings. Loathesome ones in many cases, but if you wall them up in a cell with no form of enlightenment or outlet for expression, they will become even worse than they were when they went it. If you completely alienate someone from society, how do you expect them to stop behaving in an anti-social manner? Again, absurd.

Is the point of prison to solely to punish and crush into dust any humanity a person has? Is it just a warehouse storage facility for society's bad guys? To some extent yes, but don't we want felons to come out of prison with a better chance of having a normal life? Don't we want to avoid situations like Attica?

Even with the basic amenities, prison is not an enjoyable experience. What it is is big business, and a racist one at that. I wish there was some way to reform prisons so that they help people change their lives for the better, but the way we're doing it, the recividism statistics speak for themselves. More draconian measures are clearly not the answer.

PAB

PS--Harlan, I'm dying to know what this Valentine's Day gift is, even if I don't have anyone to give it to...

Prisoners
Jay: I have walked the halls of Sing Sing, stood at the base of its cellblock, and breathed in its air. I have spoken to some of the multiple murderers incarcerated there. I have broken bread with them and I have talked to them like human beings.

True, Richard Pryor was correct to note, "Thank God we have prisons!" Even the sweet, soft-spoken, well educated Dr. Freedgood (who poisoned his wife), the most likeable killer you'll ever meet, deserved to be there. So did the guy who chopped up a jeweler with an axe. I don't deny that they deserve their place.

The conditions are hardly luxurious. They're functional. One can imagine the same space being used to house soldiers, who would at least be able to get out once in a while.

BUT -- even if they get TVs in their cells, as they do at some SuperMax prisons where the convicts are locked in as long as 23 hours a day, and TVs and access to reading material are minimal consolations -- it's clueless to call what they get "coddling".

Standing in that building, as I did on four separate occasions, you FEEL the oppressive misery of being locked in.

It's a bad place.

Just being there is painful.

(Harlan once wrote a long essay about his weekend in a jail cell. He can testify that I know what I'm talking about. I felt it even when I was free to go.)

Coddling? Bull-hockey.

Slippery Slopes
Alex,

Yeah, we're not too different in our opinion, really. I see another slippery slope toward coddling of prisoners, with people examining the horrible conditions of prison, deciding that prisoners are just like anyone else and in the Christian spirit of empty-headed kindness giving them stupid shit like cable TV, liberal phone use, internet-ready computers and gourmet meals.

Hopefully some comment
Harlan:

I've posted but once on this sight (in reaction to the thread you threw out a few years ago concerning what we would or would not do for the rest of our time here on this earth, with only six?eight? possible slots in which to pose our answers. For my answer, you gave me a "Huzzah" by the way -- Thank you.)
My request, question, is nothing more than a hope to continue or provoke discussion with those who have been placed in my, uh - temporary care.
I'm currently teaching an honors undergraduate workshop at the Univerity of Arizona and, having been one of my literary inspirations (if I only had the time to tell you about "Some Notes on the Craft" and the class I took with one of th writers you quoted in that one, Geoffrey Wolff) I was glad, happy, borderline orgasmic, to find that I have the opportunity to discuss one of your stories, "Fever" (it's in the Joyce Carol Oates Anthology Telling Stories a la the Norton Co. via the Ontario Review, or vice versa, which we were gien to teach this semester).
I was wondering if you wouldn't mind telling me what led you to write "Fever", particularly why the moment that struck you, the one you chose to write about, was after Icarus's fall. I myself have an idea, only because I, as I assume everyone else is, fascinated by our tragic heros, perhaps more so after they have hit the Earth.
I just thought it would be interesting if you could tell me, one of your, well, perennial fans, and my students, why a writer chose to write what he did, why he did, when he did, as he did.

Hopefully, thankfully, respectfully, sincerely yours,

John H. Mull

*I’ll never hear the bells if ya don't lay it on me!

You MAY actually help me salvage a relationship here: the snow has been falling in thick sheets...as I fucked up several days ago and forgot the date of her birthday (thinking it was two days after the right one)! Ya ever wanna find out what it's like droppin' an anvil on yer foot, this is a most effective way!

**...Now to get heavy on the politics: about two weeks ago I actually warmed up to John Kerry (having previously dismissed him without a thought) when I saw that home video in which our good front-runner pretends to puff a joint. This once sullen droopy dog-faced guy suddenly metamorphosed into a spirited Dionysus. For that kind of chutzpa alone I'd elect him. Yep...that's how low my standards have gone.

Hey, if he loses the general election there is always a place for him in the Congo, according to something I read the other day. The ancient Riamba cult is practiced there. It says that in the Riamba beliefs, marijuana is a god, protector from physical and spiritual harm. In fact, throughout Africa treaties and business transactions are sealed in a puff of smoke from a yard-long pipe. So, either way, John, you may prove the love of the land!

***The passing of JACK PARR: The other day I had the opportunity, literally for the first time, to see outtakes of this soft-spoken comic. I had no idea he was so spry! A REALLY funny guy. I can see why he'll be missed. (To Johnny Carson: "I'm sorry I gave you the show...I should have RENTED it to you!")

****And LAST night I saw what you might call Parr's diametric opposite on A&E's Biography: "The Great Profile", John Barrymore. I didn't realize QUITE how bombed the guy really was most of the time. Even during interviews his eyes were rolling in the back of his head, although he was quick-witted. Pathetic loss of brilliant talent man (it was creepy watching it, really, because my mother reacted to alcohol in similar ways). In the 50's, Errol Flynn played him in a not-too-well received movie. Interestingly, I've a friend who saw Drew Barrymore (she's his granddaughter)in a pharmacy not so long ago, and he informed me she looked pallid and stoned to hell; "really awful", he said. An interesting genetic line they have goin' on there. I'm glad Lionel managed past all that; talk about talent in absolutes.

cold muhfuggah
"lay it on me, Ellison"

Lay it on me, Harlan. This might be the grail!

Steve Dooner

Comics and Food
As the resident schmo-who-works-in-a-comic-book-store, let me chime in with my current favorite collections: TRANSMETROPOLITAN, whose hero, journalist Spider Jerusalem, exhibits certain cranky behavior reminiscent of our Patron Author; and ASTRO CITY, which is just amazingly good writing about people who live around superheroes, not the heroes themselves.

Oh, and POWERS.

...and JSA.

and ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN.

and...

Hey, Sr. Riera... there used to be a Cuban restaurant over in the North End near DePaul, my memory is fuzzy 'cause of the liquor, but they had the damndest ropa vieja con platanos fritos I ever tasted... is it still there?

Sadly, New Mexico isn't big on barbeque... gonna have to head for some of these places y'all are talking about soon.

best to all,
Michael

P.S. Cole slaw? Feh!

P.P.S. Justin! Thank you! Check yer damn email!

My wife Olga never reads this board (although she occassionally peeks over my shoulder) so, on her behalf, and out of a sense of curiosity, I scream to the heavens above, oh, Lord, LAY IT ON ME, REVEREND ELLISON!!!!!

Okay, so now that I finally lost my grip on reality…

Music Recommendation
Harlan,

1.) Yes, please -- lay it on me!

2.) Are you familiar with the singer (and band) in the SF Bay Area named Lavay Smith & Her Red Hot Skillet Lickers? She's a bebop/swing/torch/blues singer who's got a dynamite voice, and if you're not familiar with her music, I highly recommend it. She's got two CDs out -- "One Hour Mama" and "Everybody's Talkin' 'Bout Miss Thing," and they're loads of fun.

Oh yeah, one more thing...

Lavay herself is a modern incarnation of Bettie Page, and yep, she plays up the resemblance to a "T."

-- Jon

Lay it on me too, Harlan. But be notified that this is mainly out of curiosity. Right now, my love life ain't exactackly moving along.

Lemme lay this out for everyone. Among the two or three women with whom I have had will have dates this month, there is one with whom I was very briefly involved. She got severely cold feet when she figured that I was getting far too into the relationship for her comfort, but she wanted to remain friends. We have dinner together, talk, bond, and she's even said that I probably understand her better than anyone she's ever encountered. So, as you all can imagine, the times we spend together _feel_ like dates.

Of course, this puts me in a position that could be seen as Crummy. I'd love to have a romantic relationship with her. But when I have made a (gentlemanly) attempt to be a tad more affectionate, she's (courteously) turned me down. But as I said, there's a severe connection there, and it puts me in a Catch-22. If I express an interest, she shies away. It's possible that I'll find someone else who'll engage me the same way she has-- but as long as I hang with her, I'm still kind of keeping her "in mind" most of the time.

About the only rational thing I _can_ do is be a friend, but I may have to keep some distance while I work doubletime on killing off the romantic interest I have in her so I can _remain_ a friend. And I _hate_ that: doing that is just another "Forget about love" lesson. It takes away hope, and it makes being a Decent Guy feel like being a complete and utter chump.

(The idea of breaking off the friendship isn't in the cards. It'd just be a childish and petulant thing to do. "I won't be friends because you won't fall in love with me?" Nahh. I'm a grown-up. I don't do shit like that.)

So I'm curious about this splendiforous Valentine's Day gift. Not only for future reference (because, when I'm in a relationship, I can be a real pussycat), but as a reminder that there is hope. Maybe. Possibly.

Cindy: Do you know why they give prisoners weights to bench-press? It’s to keep them from bench-pressing the guards, that’s why.

I grew up near a prison, specifically the Elmira Correctional Facility in upstate New York. And I went to school with the children of the guards and other employees, and I was always aware of their parent’s tensions about the balance of power within the walls. Most prisons (with the possible exception of federal supermax facilities) exist in a tenuous state of equilibrium between the guards and the inmate population. The rights granted inmates, which sound luxurious compared to our estimations of what they deserve, are forms of control. Rights are granted to insure peace, revoked to punish, and serve to keep hostilities in check and the equilibrium in balance. Treat inmates like animals, with poor food, little distraction and little to no contact with the outside, and you will soon see how quickly (and violently) the peace is sundered. Remember Attica?

No matter how people try to spin the inmate rights issue, the fact remains that prisons are uniformly shitty and dangerous places, and having a TV outside your cell and one hour of daylight a day hardly ameliorates the fact you are not free to walk out and are going nowhere very slowly, with a shiv to the gut a real possibility if the guy in the next bunk decides your pants aren’t coming down fast enough.

Mark,
who, within 48 hours of his first posts to this forum, was accused of being both a parvenu and a pedagogue. Really folks, this is MOST gratifying. I’ve never felt so insulted . . . and yet . . .so accepted. . .

Lay It On Me
Deb, listen up and get out the wallet, wench!

-TODD

No asstalk from Harlan! I am agog and aglitter with joy.

CINDY, JAY: To me, the issue is NOT "Should prisoners have TVs, stereos, Internet, what have you?" The issue is that someone said publically, on national television, that NO civil liberties should be granted certain people; that they are "harvestable sacks of organs" unworthy of humane treatment. THAT'S what set me to anger.

'Cause it's prisoners first. Then those suspected of a crime. Then those whose sexual practices you find repugnant. Then those whose beliefs you don't like ... Once you demarcate someone as off the rolls for deserving of humane treatment--no matter HOW low that person is--you open the door to a savage slippery slope.

I'm intrigued - lay it on me, Harlan!

ps - Is it something warm? Temps here ranging from -22 degrees to -4 the entire last week. *shudder*

--Zoë Rose

No can do, Harlan. Getting divorced.

YES,
Do tell!
I'm perfectly agog.
:)
Cindy


Hey Neal.
:)
Cindy



On the rights of monsters; they should be largely null and void. Strip an innocent human being of his or her right to life and you forfeit your rights except those pertaining to BASIC, humane treatment and phone -n- plexiglass visits with legal counsel. No telephone calls, no televisions, no internet or other contact with the outside world, no fucking conjugal visits. Sensored letters to relatives should be the only outside communication.

I'm astounded at the stupidity of those who allow murderers a full range of communication services, then react with shock when they get outside assistance for escape attempts.

If life in prison meant life in prison I'd back it...but only under the circumstances I have outlined here. Lifers would be confined permanently to their cells, cemented in with an iron door and a slot for their meals. They could have books.

The money currently being spent on internet service, computers for killers, and weight machines (which build bigger, better criminals)should go for mandatory DNA testing of ALL convicted violent offenders.

DAMN, I should be Queen. Don't you think?
:)
Cindy

Lay it on me, Ellison!


Mark

ALEX JAY:

Your mini-analysis of the story is just fine. That is, indeed, one proper and insightful way to read the subtext. But only one.

No asstalk from you on this one.

-----------------------------------------------------------------TO ALL:

I have no idea if you'd be interested, but if some, a few, one or two, all, of you would like me to turn you on to a diamond- clad, not expensive, absolutely fabulous gift -- maybe for this Valentine's Day -- that a woman could give to her male honey -- husband, lover, brother, father, son, grandkid -- post a one-line "lay it on me, Ellison" and I'll joyously rock your gift-giving sensibility. No beaded car-seat cufflink keychain ugly-tie ArmorAll beefsteak electric nose-hair clipper Laz-EE Boy big coffee table picture book 6-pak o' Nipponese beer matched set of Bond CDs argyle 20-pak of socks bullshit. THIS gift is so keen, so cool, so awwwww dammmm geeezus that the recipient will look at you with wide eyes and marvels in his manner.

Yr. pal, Harlan

Human Rights vs. Scumbag Rights
Alex,

Among the rights of convicted felons I would place freedom to live unless the law dictates capital punishment. A reasonably comfortable place to live out your sentence with regular meals, freedom from physical abuses while in the care of the state, medical care, access to rehabilitative, religious and educational material.

I consider prison life to remove someone from society altogether. I don't think giving them email, access to the 'net, or giving them the right to call someone not in their immediate family or on their list of legal counsel is appropriate. To remove them from society is to do just that. No cell phones, no DSL.

Don't forget, Naomi Wolf was also an advisor to Al Gore; when he tried his Alpha Male phase.

She is very pretty, and I have been impressed in how she is schooling Miller and that dumb brick David Horrorwitz.

I do know that Camille Paglia cannot stand her. A good reason to like her.

Miller's show is a snoozer, but of course, I cannot stop watching.

I will email that show to death, trying to get Harlan on. Would livin up thangs.

Miller is pathetic. How could a comedian diss the ACLU? We would be a banana republic without them.

---------------------

Wyatt:

http://www.newyorkmetro.com/nymetro/news/trends/n_9437/

"English grammar is such a contradictory and sloppy affair that it hardly warrants any consideration beyond the most superficial sort. One's time would be better spent watching grass grow."

I'd almost say this about spelling-- English has some of the most arbitrary and contrived spelling rules in existence-- but grammar is necessary for clarity and concision. I think most of the grammatical rules in English make sense if you understand how the language works.

I will say this: it's pretty hard to teach. Parts of speech bleed into each other, verbs have many irregular conjugations, you can't teach proper comma usage without explaining about 50 other things, and by the time I get these kids, they don't have the basic skills upon which I can build. That said, I think it's a worthwhile endeavor; if you don't use proper grammar, your ability to communicate, esp. in writing, will be impaired.

As I think Dorie said, the person who said the above quote probably relies heavily on an editor. Thank god for the people who know the rules, eh?

PAB

English grammar
Which popular author was that? I hope s/he has a good editor! Seems to me the people who say that grammar isn't important are the ones who can't get the hang of it!

Yes, you can make yourself understood without using proper English ("nook-yoo-lar"), but the way you speak or write makes people presume things about your intelligence or lack of same. Especially in a job interview.

On the subject of having good editors, or not-- has anyone here read popular novels by Faye Kellerman or Jonathan Kellerman? (OK it's fluff, but one of my guilty pleasures). I was absolutely stunned to note all the glaring errors in grammar and fact from these two writers.

I would kinda agree. Sort of. Maybe. Actually, I do agree.

BUT...

You have to be able to communicate with your audience. An audience may overlook a couple of miscues here and there, but you still have to be able to know what you're doing. No one likes to work with incompetence and no one certainly likes to read incompetence.

comma comma down
I wonder if anyone here would like to comment on this quote from the blog of a popular author:

"English grammar is such a contradictory and sloppy affair that it hardly warrants any consideration beyond the most superficial sort. One's time would be better spent watching grass grow."

Humbly submitted,

Neal

P.S. Hi Cindy

More Chicago Eats

Located under Michigan Avenue and across the street from the Tribune Tower is the famous Billy Goat Tavern where Mike Royko used to hang-out and where you can still run into a lot of newspaper people from both the Tribune and Sun-Times. The "Goat" has one of the best cheeseburgers in town along with a lot of local color. On the near southside at Roosevelt and Jefferson is another Chicago institution, Manny's Deli. They got the BEST corned beef and pastrami sandwiches in town and you'll see a wide assortment of people dining there. Everyone from cops and fireman to LaSalle Street lawyers and bankers to university students and professors can be seen there at lunchtime. And I can't fail to mention the Parthenon restaurant on Halsted in the heart of Greektown. The best authentic greek cuisine around at reasonable prices. Hey, isn’t it about lunchtime?

Chicago, Chicago
Tossing in a couple more restaurant suggestions: Strega Nona for Italian, on Southport north of Addison. Then there's Mexicano Lindo on Lincoln, north of Fullerton. Also, there's a hot dog place on Clark, between Diversey and Fullerton, west side of the street - cvan't remember the name, but it's a hell of a good dog.

Chicago, Chicago, my kinda town
On behalf of the Webderland duchy of Chicago let me be the first to throw some suggestions in the ring:

• Jazz clubs: You can't go wrong with Joe Segal's Jazz Showcase on the corner of Grand and Clark. Some of the greatest jazz musicians perform there every week. Green Mill Lounge on the corner of Lawrence and Broadway is also highly recommended although arrive early. It's small, it gets packed to the max and it might get quite smoky and uncomfortable. But, it's got character.

• The Hothouse: Chicago's premier world music venue on Balbo and Wabash.

• If you are arriving in the next week or so take some time to enjoy the Flameco Fest 2004 which ends February 16 with what could very well be one of Paco de Lucía's last performances in the United States over at Symphony Center. Ojos de brujo, a group from Barcelona that combines flamenco with hip-hop and salsa stylings, will be performing February 14 at Martyrs in North Lincoln. And José Mercé, the great flamenco singer, makes his Chicago debut February 5 at the Park West.

• Food, food, food: Thou shalt not be left wanting in Chicago. Good restaurants are a dime a dozen. You must go to Chicago perennials Berghoff's and the Italian Village in downtown. If you are a hardcore meat eater you must try Tango Sur on Southport (an excellent Argentinian restaurant) and La Fonda on Broadway (excellent Colombian cuisine). In the mood for Spanish tapas? Try 1492 Tapas or Emilio's on Ohio. Avoid Ibérico in the evenings; it gets obnoxiously packed, the wait is way too long and the food at night is not as fresh. Go during lunch hour. It's a much calmer place and the food is prepared with much more care and love.

Check metromix.chicagotribune.com for more info. They do a pretty good job of updating their website with restaurant and club listings as well as events. And do pick The Reader when you finally move here. It's as complete and handy a guide as Metromix's.

What would YOU do with time on your hands in Chicago?


Just dropping in to ask for a recommendation or two, from those in the know... used book stores, independent booksellers, museums, used/rare record or CD shops? My job is shooting me off to Chicago next week for a few days, DePaul U area, and I expect to have a little time on my hands to burn. For that matter, is there barbeque in Chicago? Or another eatery I just shouldn't miss?

Danke schön, darling, danke schön...

JAY: I'm not defending the right of "scumbags" to have internet access, or to taunt survivors of their victims. But regardless of what they have done and what they have been convicted of, even prisoners still have certain civil liberties and rights. The right to a speedy and fair trial, the right to adequate representation, the right to appeal, and the freedom from cruel and unusual punishment. They also do have the right to communicate with the outside--NOT in the way the murdering bastard in question did, but with friends, reporters, relatives.
Certain things which said prisoners do may further restrict these rights, but never remove them.

Even Death Row prisoners are accorded civil liberties and rights, even when it has been judged that the one ultimate liberty will be taken from them.
(And note: I am pro-death penalty in concept; I just think that it is shittily administered as we now have it.)

The thing which irked me was NOT that Miller would consider restricting the rights of this moron to post sick shit to the net, but rather that he made the blanket statement that some people just don't deserve civil liberties at ALL. And that's ... shit; that's unAmerican.
To ensure that we all have freedom, you cannot draw a line--we must ALL have freedom. (Violations of the social contract will, of course, restrict said freedom, as noted, but SOME freedoms must always remain.)

(Also in response to you, I have heard nothing but good stuff about Mayer's "Superfolks" and intend soon to pick up a copy.)

DORIE: As moted above, I agree that that particular liberty is not necessarily one whichj should be allowed prisoners such as the convict in question.

CINDY: I've always read "Daniel White ..." as a dark testament to societal failure. In fact, a good many of Harlan's stories could be seen as raging reportahe on the failures we all have and our world has, or cautionary tales of the failures which may lie later down the road.

"DWftGG" is DEFINITELY a case of failure, and civil liberties and civil rights really aren't the issue--though the Civil Rights movement and the things which it sought and seeks to redress ARE. The monster Daniel White must be given up to the mob because the climate of the characters' world is such that if he ISN'T sacrificed, made an evil and dark reflection of Billy Budd, then all the others who share his skin color will suffer.

(Of course, I may well be talking out of my ass on this, and will acknowledge same if Harlan so says.)

JON A. BELL: I have spoken at LONG length of my love for comics here and on several other fora--occasionally, I've been paid for it. If you like, we can take this to e-mail--if you tell me what your tastes are in film, reading, what have you, I'll be happy to recommend a scheissload of brightly-colored bits of paper.

Now you guys have got me craving Barbecue. I'll have to look up a good place around here. I remember a name that ended with ...Burgers N' Bones. I'll have to give them a try.

Oh, and thanks to Jon for the Spybot advice. I'm armed and dangerous now - watch out all you cyberleeches. I just wanted to make sure as many people here knew about one very pernicious pest that was attaching itself to people's home pages. The advice was very useful, though.

The Cybernator

Comics recommendations
Jon:
I've finally gotten back into comics after a eight year hiatus, and I can pipe up with some of the stuff I've found interesting. As for the monthly comic books, I've been into Y: The Last Man, which is about a guy who's left as the last man on Earth after every creature on the planet with a Y chromosome is wiped out. I'd recommend starting with the first collection, "Unmanned," with the caveat that the newer issues haven't been living up to the quality of the first book.
Dave Sim's Cerebus is another good monthly comic, though it's just reached issue 298 of a planned 300 issue run, so I wouldn't start my reading with the latest issue on the stands - try to find a copy of the early collection CEREBUS: HIGH SOCIETY and see how it grabs you.
Honestly, I've been considering dropping monthly titles entirely and just reading collections since most recent comics seem to be geared towards epic stories rather than self-contained tales. And if you're up for buying collected comics, there are a whole slew of good reads out there. You can find a zillion "Best Graphic Novels" lists on the Internet, but I'll drop a couple of personal recommendations. If you like action-y comic books, try Watchmen, Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, or the Preacher series. All are fairly interesting takes on superheros, though Preacher is pure junk food for the eyes and brain - I don't know why, but I loved it. If you like the quiet, soap-opera stuff, go for Jason Lutes's Jar of Fools or Chris Wares's Jimmy Corrigan: The Smartest Kid on Earth. In my opinion, the latter two books are some of the best novels written in the last few years and beat most of the text-only books I've read lately in terms of quality reading.

Bay Area Barbeque and Comics
Guys,

Well, I thought I'd worry this bone a little more, to make a bad joke.

Harlan, I don't know if your heart doctor and/or Susan frown upon you at least sampling this stuff anymore, but the next time you're up north in the SF Bay Area, you might check out Flint's in Oakland and Berkeley (if you haven't already.) A family-owned business since the early 70s, Flint's is a legend in the area -- their sauce is a rich red-black, with spicy heat to it, and their ribs and hot links will make you sweat. The establishments are tiny, so most people order in and take it away.

In Sonoma, my beloved hometown until Joan and I moved last May, Rob's Rib Shack is a funky little roadhouse that has nice barbeque -- and Harlan, since you mentioned cole slaw in your earlier message, I recommend Rob's because theirs has a sharp bite of horseradish in it, which I like.

Now, switching gears: any comic book fans around here in the Pavilion? (Besides Harlan, of course.) I've never been an avid collector, but after a prolonged absence, I've been getting back into reading certain comics the last few years, and I've gotten utterly hooked on Joe Straczynski's "Amazing Spider-Man," Waid's "Fantastic Four" (especially the topical "Authoritative Action" story), Jeph Loeb/Tim Sale's "Hush" Batman series, and especially Brian Bendis/Alex Maleev's dark film-noir take on "Daredevil," which just kicks ass, IMHO. I'd love to hear some additional comic recommendations from other folks here. Thanks!

-- Jon

***Thanks Harlan! I was afraid that when you got the note Rick sent, it would be the end of what I consider a friendship. I will talk to Todd and we will work it out. Thanks for the understanding!!

Naomi Wolf
If that was indeed Naomi Wolf, she's a goddess. Her book "The Beauty Myth" was about how standards of beauty are ultimately harmful to women; and back when it first saw print I was very, very impressed by her reaction to ANY interviewer who dared protest that she was attractive herself, why would she say such things?

Righteous anger. I love it.

>Do you think she's single?<

I didn't see the show, but it might have been Naomi Wolf. She wrote "The Beauty Myth," which I read while working at a Catholic girls high school. Yes, they wore the plaid skirts and knee socks, for those who always ask.

http://www.edge.org/3rd_culture/bios/wolf.html

Naomi's lovely. Go for it, who cares if she's married.

LASER EYE SURGERY: DEB & TODD

Rick forwarded your message. Deb, fear not: when you speak of idiosyncratic behavior, I and my million quirks are the chorus; you are merely the preacher. What you describe isn't weird, it's utterly understandable in a world awash in the clamor of voices. As for my not going into detail about my own lasik, here in Webderland, well, nothing ominous about it; just ain't got the time or energy to explicate every detail for the gang. But on February 4th, at last, I'll be going in for the procedure on my right eye. Hear this, baby: NOTHING TO FEAR.

If Todd wants to call me, and have you listening in on the extension, I have no problem with that. It isn't rude, and I don't want you, for an instant, to let that deter you two from getting in touch with me, because I HAVE IMPORTANT STUFF TO RELATE, so figure out a modus operandi, and I'll get onboard to effect a liaison.

Yr. pal, Harlan

Miller and BBQ
I caught about 10 minutes of the Dennis Miller show last night flipping aroun. I dunno about Miller (I think about 80% of the opinions he avows are purely because they dovetail into a clever comment he's come up with), but who was that dark-haired woman they had on there? In the few minutes I watched she was articulate, compassionate, and freaking OWNED the conservative dude. Do you think she's single?

I can attest to Fat Matt's supremacy in Atlanta, a town with surprisingly poor BBQ for the most part. Both the ribs and the pulled pork are to die for. They play some damn good blues there as well. Corky's is damn good in both Memphis and Little Rock, but the one in Fayetteville, AR stinks on ice. Also, Corky's is a chain at this point and it's lost a little in the transition.

as in OBSCURE
HARLAN

The Futrelle book is outta sight, dy-no-MITE, and recondite. Oh yeah! Your editorial work is superb as always. Retitling all the stories was a very nice touch. This job must have been a mutha.

ALEX JAY

Your post brings to mind a story by HE from 1961, "Daniel White for the Greater Good".

It's very interesting you should bring up civil liberties the day after I read that story (for the first time).

CINDY

Speaking of TX barbecue, have you heard of the Salt Lick in Austin? I liked it. I just now learned how to spell barbecue. Amazing.

Regards,

Rick

P.S. Miller needs to make up his mind.

P.P.S. Baby, it's cold outside. What we in the Great White North like to refer to as, "Ass Below Zero".

It's really no surprise

Dennis Miller was among a wave of cyncial/sarcastic comedians who followed after David Letterman in the eighties. Letterman, as the originator of the style, always maintained some of his midwestern reserve and was slightly more decent than the rest. But Miller was known for taking the nastiest, ceapest shots he could.

Miller's literary name-dropping and poor attempts at being hip always masked a fundamental insecurity and a need to be liked. Finally, he found that he was liked by the mean-spirited, low-minded tugs who run America today, and he became exactly who he is.

As for Christopher Htchens and others who have lost their minds. Some of them, at least, had a modicum of integrity before their conversion to the politics of blunt force. However, Hitchens was always ethically-challenged, and after he became the self-apponted champion of the Kurds, he started accusing everyone who ooposed this stupid war of being a Stalinist. Well, poor Hitchens could not see the ends did not justify the means: dismantling the Constitution, killing five hundred American soldiers, killing fifty thousand of Iraqis, undermining the authority of the UN, and utterly destroying with the reputation of America around the world.

Alex J B: I'm all for civil liberties, and I can't fathom what the hell happened to Dennis Miller since he's gone over to the dark side...but dont you think there ought to be some way of keeping the murderer from posting his descriptions for other sickos to enjoy? If we take away certain liberties when a criminal is imprisoned, I think it would be fair and reasonable to take away THAT particular liberty. I think it's one of those letter of the law vs spirit of the law things. Yes we want to protect free speech, but this instance is a particularly egregious use of that freedom. It causes at LEAST some harm to the victim's family and who knows but such descriptions may give the other sociopaths an instruction book.

Miller and what's really wrong
I think Miller's bigger crime has been overlooked. He has committed the ultimate news channel/talk show sin.

He is boring.

I'll continue to give him a chance, but right now the Conan reruns on Comedy Central look better than this.

Mike

When I lived in Memphis a few years ago, it was Corky's or nuthin'. And lunch hour was brutal as the parking lot could only hold about four cars and the waits were incredible. Still...fuckin' worth it. Not sure if it's still the same, but back in the day...

And speaking of civil liberties, I hear you Californians are going to be banning cigarettes in the prisons as a way to keep their health care costs down. Good for you guys. See, you can do something right once in awhile.

Miller and Civil Liberties
As much as I am perplexed by Miller's recent pod-like behavior I have to ask: At what point to your actions against society permit society from removing your civil liberties? Or, put another way. When is it appropriate to remove a convict's right to Internet Posting Freedom or the ability to broadcast his crimes to a broad audience? There are schools and private individuals out there who don't have Internet. Why does this guy get what is, compared to the average American "special treatment" and let on the 'net?

If I go out and turn my neighbor's cat into soup, should I be allowed to talk about it online while serving time for it? If I turn my neighbors into soup, I think it's time to take the mouse away and smash the network card.

Like Miller, I believe there are bastards out there who forfeit their right to ANY civil liberties while locked away from society. Because locking them away is meant to keep them from getting at us relatively civil and decent (or at least unconvicted) people. I don't see it as any different than allowing him from calling a victim's family, printing a newsletter about the crime or going on with Geraldo Rivera every year to talk about how Sharon Tate deserved to die.

In other news: "Superfolks" by Robert Mayer. Anyone read it? Opinions? Just finshed it here but would like to know how you folks read it, especially if you read it back in the '70s when it was first printed.

Mark: "if God didn't want us to eat animals, then He shouldn't have made them out of meat."

Mark, you may have backed yourself into a corner here...

We hominids, mammals being made of the same meat, n'all, tasty as hell from my understanding, lays ground for some intriguing prospects in haute cuisine, if your adage really holds. And you have the honor of being first on my menu. I only go with the best. No more cows for me!

Pedagogue Fricassee anyone?

Some bad language here, but I'm in a state of shock and anger ...

Jeezus monkeyfuck.
If I were Larry Niven right now, I wouldn't know whether to laugh or weep.

Dennis Miller's CNBC show premiered tonight. Part of the show is given over to a commentary, which came after a twenty-minute interview with Senator John McCain. Tonight's commentary dealt with a convicted criminal who committed a murder, then posted a lurid description of his crime on the internet. An evil fuck, no doubt, and I'm glad the man's behind bars.
But Miller closed his rant with, "civil liberties are for human beings, not sacks of harvestable organs like this guy ..."

Now, whatever I used to think and whatever I now think about Miller is immaterial. This is fucking CHILLING--and to have it said by a responsible white guy in a suit behind a desk on national TV ...

--with Miller getting away with saying things like this, Niven's view of a future which contains "organlegging," which he wrote stories about in his "Gil Hamilton, the Long ARM of the Law" series and most chillingly, in the story "The Jigsaw Man," comes ever closer to reality.

Of course, it's not the organ-harvesting bit that's the scary part--it's the idea of "civil liberties are only for ..." conceit. Great.
At least in the country *I* grew up in, civil liberties are supposed to be for ALL. And yes; if you're convicted of a crime, some of those liberties will be taken away as you serve your sentence, but there are still several inalienable liberties left to you; those cannot be taken away without recourse.

But hey, guy's evil; take 'em all away.

And then watch as the definition of who is "evil" starts on a sliding scale ...

_____

As a recovering vegetarian (don't ask),
_____

Welcome back from the brink. Y'know, if God didn't want us to eat animals, then He shouldn't have made them out of meat.

Dammed sorry to hear Dreamland is going downhill. Is Big John still running the place? And is the 'no farting' sign still over the door?

NYC has an a new Q joint, and it's great: Daisy Mae's, 11th Ave in the 40s, take out only, with extra napkins if you please. Highly recommended (and Blue Smoke in the Village)!

Mark,
about to read the last chapter of Mary Doria Russell's "The Sparrow", a fine book indeed.

Well,

I'n MY town, you can't buy a bottle of wine or B&B. You can't buy shoes but you CAN get handmade cowboy boots, saddles and tack. You can't get chinese food or Dim Sum (still agonizing over that) but you CAN get world class barbecue of two types. First we have Cooper's Barbecue, featured a few months ago by Texas Monthly. Coopers has not only superlative slaw but cabrito that is to DIE for. We also have authentic barbecoa made by the local Tejanos. If you can get past the notion that it's actually meat from the head of a bull or cow, wrapped in wet tow sacks and buried underground, then you'll enjoy probably the most spectacular beef you've ever put in your mouth.

We can also get homemade tamales but that's another culinary adventure all together.

:)
Cindy


Hey Deb?
Thank you for what you said. I feel the same about you and Todd.
:)
Cindy


I hope Julie is mending by leaps and bounds.

Cindy

Guy -

Dreamland is in Tuscaloosa. If you make it near Birmingham, try Full Moon BBQ - it's even better than Dreamland, which has started to go downhill in recent years.

Barbecue
Sorry, everyone -- Dreamland Barbecue, in the original venue, high on the hill overlooking Tuscaloosa, Alabama (none of the franchises) --
Or is it that place in Memphis? I'll go there during DeepSouthCon in March and check it out again. Rosy restructs her meat diet to fowl and fish, so I hope they have that to offer.
Now, importantly, ABBA, and Murray-Theron in 2004!
How's Schwartz?

My theory is that if you don't eat meat in this life, you must in the next. That is why there are zombies.

As a recovering vegetarian (don't ask), I will shortly be paying the good Doctor Wogly over on Sepulveda a visit. My new motto: The only sacred cow I will acknowledge is the dead one on my plate.

Harlan, you actually eat cole slaw? Yicch.

As for movies'n'trivia and stuff,I came across an odd example of editing-for-content. AMC's running _The Hot Rock_ as I type-- a nifty caper movie from a Donald Westlake novel, scripted by William Goldman and directed by Peter Yates. (It's where I first heard of Westlake, BTW.)There's this sequence when the crooks fly a helicopter through Manhattan on their way to breaking into a police station. The chopper flies dangerously close to the surrounding buildings, and the passengers are getting more and more terrified as they go. They even pass the World Trade Center, then under construction.

The strange thing is this. That entire sequence was cut from the film. So I wrote to AMC, asking why they'd made this extensive cut. The sequence wasn't terribly long, the film wasn't really long with it in, and there wasn't anything revolting or upsetting about it. But I _suspect_ they cut it because of the WTC footage, which is a really odd decision to make.

Happily, the film's on DVD. Seek it out, folks: the cast includes Robert Redford, George Segal, Ron Liebman and the magnificent Zero Mostel.

Just popping in to thank Susan for the superlative, possibly OCD-inspired packing job she did on my book order, which arrived safe and sound last week. Terrific work, but I have just one question: You DO realize you accidentally duct-taped Harlan in with the rest of my stuff, right? (I have no mouth, my ass--the guy never stops going on about food . . .)

As Triumph the Insult Comic Dog says, I keed, I keed. Seriously, Harlan, thanks for signing every damned one of my books, including the Kersh collection, which I devoured in a single night. I can see why you dig him so much; for lack of a better term, the man has a definite PHILOSOPHICAL quality to his writing that gives him a leg up on many of his contemporaries. Even if the plots are occasionally slight, the depth and insight of his descriptions are always a joy to read. (I'm thinking of "'Busto Is a Ghost, Too Mean to Give Us a Fright!'" in particular.)

And now, for everyone's delectation, here is a link to the 2004 Village Voice's World's Hardest Movie Quiz: http://www.villagevoice.com/issues/0404/atkinson.php

(If you get more than a few questions right the first time around, you officially have less of a life than I. Lucky, lucky you.)

THE GRAND Q

I'm afraid I must concur. I've eaten at Arthur Bryant's BBQ more than a few times, and it's an okay franchise. Okay. But no better than that. When I lay kudos on the Dorman altar, I was only referencing the sensational BBQ to which Dorman took me and Susan when we were in Kansas city. I wasn't talking about the VERY BEST BBQ IN THE UNIVERSE (Though the crackle at m'man Dorman's Q-o-Choice is about the best I've ever eaten.)

I've done this Barbeque Baedekker elsewhere, several times, so I ain't gonna chapter/verse it. Suffice to note the following, ALL and EACH of which is light-years beyond Arthur Bryant's:

Hot Sauce Williams in Cleveland. "Red" Bryans' Pit BBQ in College Station, Texas. Daddy Simm Rib'n'Poke just north of Monterey, CA. Jake's Li'l Eat It & Beat It in Kansas City. Dr. Hogly Wogly's Tyler Texas Pit Barbeque on Sepulveda in the San Fernando Valley right near me. Fat Matt's Rib Shack out on Piedmont in Atlanta.

There are lots of others, Carolina style, New England style, a million "Texas style" joints, but you'll know a good one if they serve end-cut chopped (AKA "crackle") and if the cole slaw is tasty. But kindly, any of you parvenus, do not -- out of sweetly charming ignorance and lack of EXTENSIVE experience -- offer the names of bottled franchise operations such as Arthur Bryant's (which is NOT bad, just not imperial) as if you actually grok the grand Q.

Yr. pal, Harlan

(I'm the one with grease on his face.)

Ray Carlson,

Ray, you're killing me. The Microsoft/GM joke is an urban legend that's been around since 1999. Check out Snopes for the scoop:

http://www.snopes.com/humor/jokes/autos.htm

Ah, Snopes. The 1st place to look when you see something goofy like this.

Regards,
Joseph

>Nope. If you're talking BEST, it can only be Arthur Bryant's.

A franchise. Strictly for tourists. Trillin's wised up.

LOVE/HATE COMPUTERS?

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the
way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer
expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry
with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology
like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars
that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like! Microsoft, we would all
be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love
this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows,
shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could
continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would
run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would
all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal
Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you
out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn
how to drive all over again because none of the controls would
operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Susan
Thans so much for your prompt service. I received my copy of "The Beast That Shouted Love...". In perfect condition, and such prompt service.

My collection has grown richer.

DORMAN: I know who you are....now >grins<

God, but it's cold here. My boogers have frozed all up.

Regards,

Rick

Jon/Chuck,

Better still, stop using Internet Explorer and switch to Nescape 7 (or its fraternal twin, Mozilla). Netscape/Mozilla features built-in pop-up blocking and negates the need for additional software running in the background (and believe me, if you're running Win98 the less you have running in the background, the better). I second the suggestion to use Ad-Aware. Good stuff, and the basic, personal edition is free.

If you're stuck with Internet Explorer, I'd suggest going to Google and installing their toolbar. Blocks pop-ups really well and it's also free.

YMMV-
-Andrew

Peg: Your stuff arrived. OVER THE EDGE will be mailed today.

Yes! Yes! Yes!
Alan Brennert's TIME AND CHANCE: yes! Beautiful book, which deserves to be rediscovered.

Harlan: are you going to be at I-con this year?

Spybot Stuff and TZ/Ellison Reference
Chuck,

If you don't have it already, first, go to www.panicware.com and download their free version of Pop-Up Stopper. This will kill most pop-up ads. Second, go to http://www.safer-networking.org/ and download the free copy of Spybot Search and Destroy. It will seek out "adware" and other malicious crap, delete it from your computer, and immunize it in the future. (Or, go to www.lavasoftusa.com to download Ad-Aware, another great program the kills crap like Gator and other adware/spyware from your system.)

Now, since this is Harlan's board, enough with the computer stuff already...

I just wanted to mention that I was amused to hear recently, at the end of Joss Whedon's "Firefly" episode "Trash," the captain character say, "We've got to get this merchandise to Brennert and Ellison right away." Everyone probably knows of Alan Brennert and Harlan's work on the Twilight Zone revival back in 1985-1986; I'd also like to put in a plug for Alan Brennert's beautiful novel "Time and Chance," which deals with life and the paths not taken. When I first started dating my (now-wife) Joan back in 1991, I loaned it to her, and it's been a touchstone reference in our relationship ever since. (Also, FYI -- I met Joan through Great Expectations in Sausalito -- literally chose her out of 450 women -- and have been married to her for 11 years. Harlan, I don't know if you're still on their board of directors, but we're definitely one of their success stories!)

And, speaking of Harlan and beautiful writing, my recent reading (in The Essential Ellison) of his heartfelt essay on writing the eulogy for his mother put tears in my eyes. It has an emotional purity and directness that could cut right through every layer of Tony Stark's armor and cause his heart to fibrillate.

-- Jon

Vultures, vultures everywhere....


I decided to post this here, since some of the people who read and post at the webderland don't go to the other board.

Warning!

I have had something that pops up whenever I try to go to my home page at msn.com. It's from InternetAntiSpy.com, and it pretty much dominates the screen and causes my cd-rom drawer to open. It then, in flashy graphics, annouces,
"Your privacy is at risk! What should you do?"
"Your IP address has been traced"
"Windows 98 is your operating system" (true)
"You are in Denver, USA" (sort of true)

Just to let you know someone is making leechlike attacks on people's home pages in order to practically extort a software sale from them. I've contacted my ISP, who doesn't yet realize what really going on. I'll clue them in. In the meantime, watch out. Vultures, vultures everywhere.

Chuck

>I'll TELL you who is Dorman. Dorman is the guy who knows where to get the best BBQ in K.C., thass who Dorman is!

>>That would be the Rosedale, then?

Nope. If you're talking BEST, it can only be Arthur Bryant's.

Mark,
on his way to the 2nd Avenue Deli for blintzes (no sour cream).

JAY:

"Perhaps, then, you shouldn't have flashed your butt cheeks in a tattoo parlor!"

...I was drunk, man! OK? I didn't know what I wuz doin'. I just came in lookin' fer a woman!

>I'll TELL you who is Dorman. Dorman is the guy who knows where to get the best BBQ in K.C., thass who Dorman is!

That would be the Rosedale, then?

WHO IS DORMAN?

I'll TELL you who is Dorman. Dorman is the guy who knows where to get the best BBQ in K.C., thass who Dorman is!

Harlan

WHO IS DORMAN?
NEAL: Good question. For that matter, who are any of us? And what's it all about (Alfie)? Here is a brief biography I found about "Dorman" while doing some recent surfing on the web: "Rumored to be the illegitimate child of writers Harlan Ellison and Connie Willis, Dorman was orphaned at the age of twenty-three and left at the doorstep of an Army Recruiting center in a small, Gulf Coast fishing village. After Army medical doctors informed him he suffered from incurable satyriasis, Dorman turned to freelance writing for therapy after he was mustered out for humping the leg of a very pretty Second Lieutentant. He is currently working on a novel about a 'man who is obsessed with a large, white whale' and attending classes every so often at a Midwestern University, hoping to attain a degree in anthropometry."

Hope that clears things up a bit.
Best, DTS.

Neal: Oh, yeah. HE's introductory/prefatory/endwordery/linkery (apologies for the neologisms) material in his various antholgies and collections sort of spoils one for other writers unless they do something similar. There all sorts of neat sparks going off in A,DV (simply to use it as an example) -- HE and Joanna Russ mentioning different Keith Laumer works in the HE intro and Russ afterword to Russ's story, for instance.

Take care, Jon

Dorman
I am wondering, who is Dorman?

Jon: YES! My earliest prolonged encounter with anything Ellison (anything Ellison?) was my experience reading the intro to A,DV. Every time I reread it I wonder how HE knew I had stolen my original copy. Little old shoplifter me. Because of those intros I never skip any intro to any book. I think they are vital, and a sort of artform.

Regards,

Neal

To Alex Berman, re putting my books in order. I don't try especially hard to keep'em in order. Sure, there are series books which I keep together, like the Flashman books, the Durants' histories, Patrick O'Brian, Dave Sim. My Ellison boks are in one shelf in a row. I have a section made up of small chapbooks. And the art books are usually on the lowest shelf.

But the general principle is one I described on this board at least a year ago. The more scrambled the books are, the bigger the library looks. People come in and they see what I have... but they're never certain that they've seen _everything_ I have. Putting the books in order lets you see the boundaries, the limits, the overall shape of the thing. Leaving them random creates nooks, crannies, cul-de-sacs, and odd pairings.

It's like this. Imagine two cities. The first was designed rationally. The streets form grids, the buildings share design elements with their neighbors, their heights and widths fit into set ranges, and businesses, residences, and small shops are strictly zoned.

The second grew naturally. The streets meet at strange angles, and curve around like sleeping rattlesnakes. Skyscrapers exist alongside of tiny antique shops. Factories have been converted into loft apartments. Squatters took over old tailors' shops and made'em into punk-rock venues.

Now I want to move to London or Paris.

labeled for life...
Rob,

Perhaps, then, you shouldn't have flashed your butt cheeks in a tattoo parlor!

The Time of the Eye - Not!
Harlan,

Best of luck with the eye surgery.

Chuck

Urf. Screwed up the parentheses. I hate when I do that.

I forgot to mention: Yes; Julie's new e-mail address HAS already gotten offers for millions in Nigerian dollars ...

REGARDING JULIE SCHWARTZ: Comics historian, scripter, and essayist Mark Evanier has set up a special e-mail address for any fan of comics or speculative fiction who wants to well-wish Julie: mail your missives off to schwartz@newsfromme.com and he'll be certain to get it--though he'll have to wade through a good amount of love, it looks like. On Peter David's message board, Glenn Hauman--Peter's webmaster and an all-around nice guy--added, "One assumes, if you are a pretty girl, that pictures of smiles will also be appreciated."

(and lest some of you think that this is only of interest to comics fans, let's remember that this is the guy who pretty much discovered Ray Bradbury and Alfred Bester, started the first science fiction fanzine (along with Mort Weisinger, Allen Glasser, and Forrest Ackerman, agented for most of the biggest names in Science Fiction's Golden Age, and lots more.)

HARLAN: Here's my wish for a successful and uncomplicated--um--"Time of the Eye."
But ... 250,000 books. Oh, I drool. I foam at the mouth in unrequited wordlust. And people marvel at my scant three thousand ... Oh, boooookssss ....

BRIAN: On that same subject ... you don't alphabetize? Categorize? Spend hours in OCD frenzies rearranging your books?

Lee,

"your psychosis is showing."

FLASH your butt cheeks for a few seconds and you’re labeled for life!

NOW I know how Howard Dean feels.

This is purely because it's snowing/sleeting here and I can't get anything done that I really need to get done, and because there seem to be a few new folks that glance at this site and may not know better...BUT, to respond to Rob and I will sayeth no more on the subject.

Frank asked Chris:
"...I read an essay by a Japanese film critic that said that Lost In Translation had racist stereotypes against the Japanese. Your take?"

Chris responded that Lost in Translation is a film "filtered through the perception of two characters who just don't get it...they don't see the poetry or the beauty of Tokyo except in a few bits and pieces. They're lost themselves and being in a foreign city heightens the sense of dislocation."

Pretty much accurate.

Rob said, "...but what would [Chris] know about racist stereotypes? Half the time we know an obvious stereotype when we see one; half the time it soars right past us, the most humble of viewers. And anyway, often enough we'll just blow it off in light of our biases for a film..."

Now, I will take scalpel and peel away Rob's musings to show how ignorant and inconsequential they are. For those with weak stomachs (or, no wish to be bored) please turn away. It won't be bloody, but it will be messy.

Rob, in retorting to my retort, said the following: "I wasn't talking about LOST IN TRANSLATION. So, I didn't NEED to see it to post those comments."

Scalpel. Well, see the thing is, Rob, Frank and Chris were talking about that particular movie.

Rob also said, "I set the vectors in another direction to talk about a sometimes impalpable impasse."

Clamp. Funny how you always seem to do this, but you don't let anyone know until after someone else calls you on your original inane comments. I'm not saying that those comments don't have a place in a discussion cent