Just an update

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markabaddon
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Re: Just an update

Postby markabaddon » Mon Jun 21, 2010 10:44 am

While the term excelerant is fascinating, I am much more curious about the picture Gwyn references. Would it be possible to send me an electronic copy of said photograph?
Governments, if they endure, always tend increasingly toward aristrocratic forms. No gov't in history has been known to evade this pattern. And as the aristocracy develops, gov't tends more and mroe to act exclusively in the interests of the ruling class

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Re: Just an update

Postby Gwyneth M905 » Mon Jun 21, 2010 1:04 pm

markabaddon wrote:While the term excelerant is fascinating, I am much more curious about the picture Gwyn references. Would it be possible to send me an electronic copy of said photograph?


It's Lori's call, Mark, I'm happy to cc: you on the piccys. :)
I want to learn the ways of the Force and become a Jedi Knight, the same as my Father.
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Lori Koonce
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Re: Just an update

Postby Lori Koonce » Mon Jun 21, 2010 1:09 pm

Gwyn

Just got your email, and if you would be kind enough to send them to the poor boy he and I would both thank you. Well maybe HE won't but I will.

If you see this before you read your email, you can ignore mine!

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Lori Koonce
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Re: Just an update

Postby Lori Koonce » Sat Feb 05, 2011 2:09 pm

OK, it seems like confessional writing is getting popular around these parts, and I do need to get this off my chest; so please indulge me. And Frank, if you so much as make one smarmy or smart ass remark about this, I'll get permission not only to verbally hand your your ass, but make sure your head is shoved far up said body part.

Now own with the show...


I think that this Friday is the first time I had the experience of really being affected by another persons words in a severely bad manner. Depression inducing would be the best way to describe the feeling for those of you, who; like me suffer from that horrid affliction.

Funny thing is it was a discussion with my therapist about my depression that got this all started. I know the woman meant no harm, as a matter of fact she was only trying to do me some good. She knows how limited my money is and asked me if I had applied for the discount the local MTA gives disabled people. When I told her no, she started describing the procedure to me.

I was all right until I heard the phrase "MDD, permanent" I gave her a strange look and she then explained that MDD was Massive Depressive Disorder. That wasn't so bad, I sorta knew that for decades. I think it was the word permanent that got to me.

I mean who wants go around thinking that they will never be rid of something like depression? It's bad enough that I never know what is gonna trigger it, or how I'm gonna respond to that trigger. And the worst thing of all is the position it puts my friends and family in. It's one thing to suffer by yourself, but it's another thing all together to dump a dark cloud of doom on the people you care about.

A lot of people would think about ending it all by ending their lives. Before you get all scared for me, been there, done that and figured out that it's a cowards way out. Call me what you want, but you'll never have a reason to call me a coward. Sad thing is that in a way I really am. At least the suicide has the courage of his conviction. He knows that nothing will get better, and he's willing to do what he thinks is necessary to make the pain stop.

Me? Well what can I say about me. Some times I lay in bed paralyzed with the fear comes with wondering if you are gonna get to the coffee shop without tearing up over some stupid something or other on the radio. Or there are times like yesterday, going to the therapist, and then spending the rest morning and all afternoons sleeping.

Anyways, thanks for taking the time it too to read this. Respond if you'd like, but realize that nothing you can say or do is going to make this any better for me. I'm sure all will be fine in the long run, but right now I cannot see past the tip of my nose.

Lori

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Re: Just an update

Postby Moderator » Sat Feb 05, 2011 4:49 pm

Lori -
This may be cold comfort at the moment, but I can offer a bit of a related analogy. I'm firmly convinced that a good percentage of depression is chemical -- it's simply not a matter of attitude. I went through a very mild bout last Fall and couldn't fathom why I was feeling so dark and disconnected. It wasn't until weeks later that I realized what had happened.

That's not my story, though.

As you guys are aware, I recently injured myself pretty badly. It was, after all was said and done, a permanent injury. Nothing to be done about it except a) surgery, or b) live with it as best as I can, and seek the meds and therapy required to make it reasonable. I elected b. I found out, a long time ago, that once I am told that something is permanent -- not unlike my neck issue, or a kidney condition I had diagnosed twenty years ago -- that it becomes easier to accept and deal with. It doesn't stop the pain, but it does make it more of something I can recognize, understand and move past -- it's the not knowing when it will get better that proves to be the greater challenge, at least to me.

You may think this is pollyanna, or bears no relation to your condition. It may not. But I don't believe the therapist means give up on handling the condition, I truly believe that what she recognizes is that this is not simply a bad day and a negative attitude, but a true and genuine permanent condition which you cannot remove from your life, but you can learn to handle to minimize its impact.

My two cents, and your mileage will certainly vary.
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Lori Koonce
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Re: Just an update

Postby Lori Koonce » Sun Feb 06, 2011 12:59 pm

Steve

Thanks for the encouragement. Believe it or not it helps.

Here's my thing. I went into this thinking that I'd take my zolof for a year or so and by then my brain would have figured out how to deal with things without it. I've now realized that's the farthest thing from the truth I've ever encountered.

The zoloft only rounds off the corners. It doesn't take it away at all. I wan't it GONE, as in as if I never had it. That isn't going to happen either. I made the mistake of googling MDD. Went to no less a medical authority than the Mayo Clinic to figure out what was going on. You tend to make a bad thing worse when you read that the only way to really rid yourself of the disorder are things like Electro Convulsive Therapy ( a really fancy way of talking about electro-shock therapy) or some recently discovered way of using extra strong magnets to stimulate my mood centers.

Either way, I'll never totally be rid of this, and that was my goal. Almost 2 frackin years of therapy and about half of that on meds and I'm still stuck with the doom and gloom. And I know it's only gonna get worse when I hit menapause. My hormones are all ready pretty fracked, and the ending of their production is only gonna make i t worse.

Anyways, I'll muddle through this, just like I did a million and one other problems I've had in my 43 and 5/6 years.

diane bartels
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Re: Just an update

Postby diane bartels » Sun Feb 06, 2011 3:28 pm

Hi Lori,

First of all, thank you for sharing your experience. Your courage and honesty are wonderful and you help me a lot. As we have talked about, you and I have gone through a lot of the same thing. And Major Depression is a difficult thing. It aint for sissies. And you are very brave to handle it and seek treatment. What I am going to say now is not in any way meant as advice or recommendations to you. I trust Lori and Lori's therapist to take care of Lori. But this is what happened to me. I had depression since I was 24. It would be a lil better sometimes, and then something would happen and I would plunge back down. This went on for years and years. Working was out of the ques. and sometimes my bed with the covers over my head was the only place I felt safe. I went on Zoloft a couple years ago, actually a few.
And it helped. Eventually a lot. And about a year and a half ago, I didn't feel depressed. And the crushing anxiety that paralyzed me had eased considerably. And things have been steadily better. To the point where I did stop the Zoloft a few months ago. And I am ok. As ok as my brain gets anyway. Not to be confused with middle America mainstream normal ever. But ok. If it ever stops snowing in Chicago, I will go back to work. I have been seeing my friends instead of just talking on the phone. I'm ok. I credit a few things. good therapy. good zoloft. everyone here and Harlan's wise sane approach to life. My family. My friends. 12 step principles, One Day at a Time, Letting go, and God as I understand him. Or her. Also in my case and i cant prove it, I think being in menopause has helped me hormonally. But i just sat and counted, I was on Zoloft at least 6 and a half years. And if I get any depressive symptoms back, I will run not walk back to Zoloft. That's just my deal. Not meant as prediction for you Lori. Doctors and therapists, though wonderful, don't know everything. Not by half.
In the meantime, I'm here. If you ever want to talk by e-mail or PM. And I'm hoping I can get to SF and LA again sometime in the next year or two. Hang in there, Lori. Love Diane


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