Spill yer guts.

General discussions of interest to readers and fans of Harlan Ellison.

Moderator: Moderator

Tim Raven
Posts: 255
Joined: Wed Dec 22, 2010 10:30 pm

Re: Spill yer guts.

Postby Tim Raven » Fri Mar 22, 2013 1:29 am

Monica’s Contraption

I built a contraption
For Monica
It has no moving parts
“This thing will last a thousand years!”
I said.

When the future people dig it up
they will exclaim in future language
“Look at this contraption!”
and they will be
exactly
right.

Tim Raven

Tim Raven
Posts: 255
Joined: Wed Dec 22, 2010 10:30 pm

Re: Spill yer guts.

Postby Tim Raven » Fri Mar 22, 2013 1:31 am

Sky Bar


Los Angeles

heights
depths
and in between
a
desire
for a cool wind
always desire
and
never defend
the good times
we love
the walk
and
the glance
and
the chill breezes, too

Los Angeles

lows
highs
I spit in its wind
and toke my mind
into warmth
and disconnect
from
life
fuck it
slap it
cringe from it
create your own reality
far from it
as we drink
our dirty martini’s
in the heights
of

Los Angeles.


Tim Raven

Tim Raven
Posts: 255
Joined: Wed Dec 22, 2010 10:30 pm

Re: Spill yer guts.

Postby Tim Raven » Fri Mar 22, 2013 1:32 am

My defiance has become limited

rubber rollers
have been worn to the point
of no return
no manner of chemical
can bring these puppies back.

Metal joints no longer squeak
Because they are that loose
Rattling along

Battery is thrashed
used to last days
but now
ten uninterrupted minutes
is a joyous occasion.

And in One Surprising Moment
I find
That my defiance
has become
limited.


Tim Raven

Tim Raven
Posts: 255
Joined: Wed Dec 22, 2010 10:30 pm

Re: Spill yer guts.

Postby Tim Raven » Thu Mar 28, 2013 10:21 pm

Rick –
You know your work best but in my opinion there isn’t an ounce of fat in “Play, the field of”. Not one unfocused line. Not one line that doesn’t sound cool. I like it more and more every time I read it.

Thanks again for posting it, Chief, let’s see some more.

Tim



Paul –

Took me a while, but here are more detailed comments. As Rick mentioned, any critique here is offered with the best of intentions. If any offense is felt, realize that we are the boss of our own stuff, and the artist’s opinion is the final opinion. I only offer a fresh set of eyes.

Love’s Truck Stop

Great title. With further consideration, I’ve been inside that poem and I’ve never picked up the check. The first couple bites of the burger are fantastic, then toward the end it makes me sick.

I’ve compared my original response to this poem and I don’t see the cleverness that you mentioned. It certainly wasn’t intentional, but hey, I’ll take the compliment.


Ledge

This was my favorite of the latest that you posted. I love the part of poetry where the juxtaposition of words that don’t rhyme sound cool. You have a great example of this here:

“Ledge precipice heightens awareness
numb senses killing the reflexes”

It sounds perfect together, while still clearly communicating the meaning. Spectacular. And then there is the line that drops like a firecracker:

“I was in that head and saw it hit.”

That knocked me back.


Later in the poem, the lines “So, where’s the story…tell that way.” I’d edit those two lines out, it doesn’t seem to add anything and interrupts the flow for me. The last stanza rocks, beautiful. I would remove the last line, “It hasn’t killed me yet.” It would add symmetry from the last line of the previous stanza, and adds some mystery for the end.

Buk, Missing

“Hustle the buck and it’s good.” This entire stanza speaks true. This describes a cultural construct that I’ve always questioned and is summed up by your line:

“Dignity? Pending. Check.”

Very cool piece.

Grave of the Unknown

I’m really into titles and I think his title could be more engaged with the spirit of the poem. I would also remove the entire first paragraph starting “Walking into…see how far you get.” It seems apart.

The second paragraph really hit me hard. You can tell good writing when the hair stands up on your arms and you get a chill when you read it. You brought up interesting observations while painting a vivid mood. The ending was very cool. I like this one a lot!

Paul, your work is impressive. I enjoy reading your stuff.

Tim

Tim Raven
Posts: 255
Joined: Wed Dec 22, 2010 10:30 pm

Re: Spill yer guts.

Postby Tim Raven » Thu Mar 28, 2013 10:49 pm

21st Century Mantra

My freedom of choice is my absolute right
Your freedom of choice is your absolute right
Our absolute rights
end
at the surface of our skins
anything beyond that
IS COMPROMISE

Don’t tread on my body
Don’t tread on my mind

I take responsibility for my actions outside of my body.
I expect the same from you.

So pass the sugar, please.

Tim Raven

User avatar
Rick Keeney
Posts: 1099
Joined: Mon Jan 05, 2004 4:40 pm
Location: Minneapolis, MN

Re: Spill yer guts.

Postby Rick Keeney » Sat Mar 30, 2013 1:33 pm

There's plenty here to talk about. I'll be talking later.
For now:

I find this interview very stimulating and useful. My later response will use this as a springboard.

http://www.theparisreview.org/interview ... n-ginsberg

I think also we'll talk RIGOR.


Is what I think.

User avatar
Rick Keeney
Posts: 1099
Joined: Mon Jan 05, 2004 4:40 pm
Location: Minneapolis, MN

Re: Spill yer guts.

Postby Rick Keeney » Sun Mar 31, 2013 12:02 pm

This will take longer than I anticipated as we have a round of stomach flu kicking our asses, and keeping me busy washing linens, and every other goddamn thing someone decides to soil.

So, for now, I'll just say that I think "Monica's Contraption" shows Raven beginning to sound like Raven. Of the things I've read here of yours, Tim, that one is the poem.

User avatar
Chuck Messer
Posts: 2089
Joined: Wed May 21, 2003 9:15 pm
Location: Lakewood, Colorado

Re: Spill yer guts.

Postby Chuck Messer » Sun Mar 31, 2013 4:29 pm

Here's something I wrote during one of my darker moods:

THE NEW, IMPROVED BEATITUDES

Cursed are the seekers of knowledge, for knowledge is scary and we take comfort in fairy tales.
Blessed are the ignorant, for they are our bread and butter.
Blessed are the meek, for they are such easy prey.
Blessed are the predatory in spirit, for we shall fall down and worship them.
Blessed are the scapegoats, for without them we’d have no one to blame but ourselves.
Cursed are the generous in spirit, for the are such pussies.
Cursed are the poor, for they are such a pain in the ass.
Cursed are the peace makers, for they spoileth all the fun.
Cursed are the strong in spirit, for they make us look bad.
Blessed are the mediocre, for they make us feel good about ourselves.
Cursed are the different, for difference is scary and we must make the bad, scary thing go away.
Cursed are the thinkers, for they make us uncomfortable.
Blessed are the liars, for they got it goin’ on.
Cursed are the seekers of truth, for we wrote the official version, and we’re sticking by it.
Blessed are the killers, for they shall inherit the earth.
Some people are wedded to their ideology the way nuns are wed to God.

User avatar
Rick Keeney
Posts: 1099
Joined: Mon Jan 05, 2004 4:40 pm
Location: Minneapolis, MN

Re: Spill yer guts.

Postby Rick Keeney » Mon Apr 01, 2013 8:33 am

Chuck, your timing is impeccable (and, for the interest of no one really, I had to go to the store yesterday, and the only place open was Walgreen's; my tab was $6.66), and your sense of humor delightful. Thanks for that.

User avatar
FrankChurch
Posts: 16283
Joined: Wed May 28, 2003 2:19 pm

Re: Spill yer guts.

Postby FrankChurch » Tue Apr 02, 2013 9:39 am

Vines make stout grapes

bananas make proud apes

Wheat makes wise bread

Philosophers make filled heads.

:mrgreen:

User avatar
Lori Koonce
Posts: 3538
Joined: Sat Jun 23, 2007 12:10 pm
Location: San Francisco California
Contact:

Re: Spill yer guts.

Postby Lori Koonce » Tue Apr 02, 2013 12:49 pm

FrankChurch wrote:Vines make stout grapes

bananas make proud apes

Wheat makes wise bread

Philosophers make filled heads.

:mrgreen:



Not bad Frank.

User avatar
Rick Keeney
Posts: 1099
Joined: Mon Jan 05, 2004 4:40 pm
Location: Minneapolis, MN

Re: Spill yer guts.

Postby Rick Keeney » Tue Apr 02, 2013 1:54 pm

(This may need some sharpening. But the guts are glistening all they're going to.)


The Gauntlet


The Dutch
clears the double-wired obstacle like
a grin over the ivory.
His airwash sprays the poorly protected
and highly intoxicated
front row,
and takes out three armored judges.
Armored or not.
(Bush League Black Vault
equals
collateral damage.)

Sleepy Joe tosses off a trivialized aside:
“He owns that course!”

Sleepy Joe has to shout,
and still couldn’t be heard
over the tumult
of twenty thousand screaming fans,
and the low subconscious rumbling of
Dutch’s black market Chinese jet engines.

The place is naturally
full of drunks,
JP-5 fumes,
and that deliciously hot,
black jet exhaust.

(Thanks to Sam Green Gills
salted liquor pills
for their sponsorship
of this apocalyptic divisional meet.)

Seventeen
screaming red demons could be
hosting a full-out magma toss
in these stands and no one would
smell a spark.

My headache feels like
seventeen red demons
having a magma toss.
Minus the visuals.



But I can read lips:
“No shit, he OWNS the course,
he’s the OWNER of the goddamn course!”

And I know I can build a better
vault outfit
using peanut butter
and cigarettes...
which almost gives me an idea.

You don’t just make this
stuff up as you go along.
You can’t improvise much at 1G,
no matter how effective your
dampeners are supposed to be.
And you don’t win
eight out of ten
Great Inland Sea
High Desert Black Vault competitions
(Which I have)
without some clear idea of how to construct
a clairvoyant vault system.
(Which I own.)


“We’ll see who runs what
at the Free Crash
next month, Dozey.”

Sleepy Joe smirks in my favor.

Of course we would run it all.
I had a plan.













Three in.
Three out.
Full rear tread replacement
at that seventh pole
that flies
dead up against
Gustato Canyon.
Then power slide through
every arroyo from there
until you’re dead against that
black brown pile of shit
the residents like to call
the Coyote’s Windpipe.

From the Windpipe it’s fire and hell
all the way to the vault.
And if you beat the sunset,
you and your tired vehicle
will be dead on sun-faced through
and over
the wires.

And Sam’s Green Gills won’t help you
if you don’t have any jump left.


And that’s the plan.
It’s always the plan.

Have some jump left.


(My poem, My copyright)

User avatar
Rick Keeney
Posts: 1099
Joined: Mon Jan 05, 2004 4:40 pm
Location: Minneapolis, MN

Re: Spill yer guts.

Postby Rick Keeney » Tue Apr 02, 2013 2:07 pm

That is all one piece with really weird Bulletin Board style breaks. By the way.

User avatar
Lori Koonce
Posts: 3538
Joined: Sat Jun 23, 2007 12:10 pm
Location: San Francisco California
Contact:

Re: Spill yer guts.

Postby Lori Koonce » Tue Apr 02, 2013 3:00 pm

Voices

I try to ignore them
But their steady staccato rhythm
Has worn a groove
Deep within my brain


You are failure
You don't measure up
No one cares
Why do you care

The drone of my voices
Is what I have to work with
And work is what I will
Do with my dying breath

So, count me down
But not quite out.

Tim Raven
Posts: 255
Joined: Wed Dec 22, 2010 10:30 pm

Re: Spill yer guts.

Postby Tim Raven » Tue Apr 02, 2013 7:13 pm

Chuck – unfortunately the truths stated in your work are our reality these days. No...scratch that. Not just these days but any days from the past.

I tried to do a similar style poem called “Republican Jesus.” I thought I had a real clever idea until I googled it and found out that “Republican Jesus” is all over the Internet. I’ll post it here; but I think your piece is more thoughtful and well developed.

Thank you for this one, do you have any more?


Frank – I’m a fan of short and sweet and your poem is certainly that. I expected that if you did post anything it would be one hundred percent snark, but not so, I really liked this one. Bananas do make proud apes, refer to Chuck’s poem for examples!

Do another one!


Rick – I’m beginning to see a pattern here, Chief. Are you going to produce a collected work of futuristic, violent, fringe of society sports poetry? If so, I’ll buy it lock, stock and barrel. Very cool, let’s have another please! Talk about a niche genre…my favorite line is the first one, “clears the double-wired obstacle like a grin over the ivory.” I had to think about that one for a minute and I like that phenomenon. Cool sounding words with meaning that you have to pause for a moment to fully digest.

p.s. – cool Ginsberg interview. I’ve never really explored his stuff, I always thought he was a pompous bullshit hippy faux intellectual. Perhaps I’ll give him another chance.

Lori – The two pieces that you’ve posted here have a frank emotional quality that appeal to my inner Ernest Hemingway. It’s a clear statement of self, not whiney or apologetic. The best parts are your statements of hope at the end. Hope is an admirable quality that people who have been dealt easy cards all of their life do not understand. I think I get your statements of hope as much as one person can understand another. The cool part about writing down and posting these thoughts is that you can be honest on the page with no other considerations. No need to be polite and no need to hide your feelings from others that might get upset.

For me, it’s the one outlet in my life where I’m not vetting my words like a politician in order to please others and avoid conflict.

“So count me down, but not quite out.”

Words to embrace at 2:55 AM.
Five to Three, it always seems to happen at 5 to 3.


Tim


Return to “General”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests