Spill yer guts.

General discussions of interest to readers and fans of Harlan Ellison.

Moderator: Moderator

User avatar
Rick Keeney
Posts: 1099
Joined: Mon Jan 05, 2004 4:40 pm
Location: Minneapolis, MN

Re: Spill yer guts.

Postby Rick Keeney » Sun Apr 14, 2013 8:45 pm

Raven- The Ensenada piece is getting there. I can tell you love it. Keep tweaking that one. As a general rule, I don't have a problem with profanity, but I do in this poem. I think it's a strong poem that would benefit from some meaty vocabulary. Some word muscle, if you will. It's like we all know, adding profanity to a heated argument doesn't make us look any more convincing, it just makes us sound mad. This narrator, he is all rhinoceros underneath; but I get the feeling that his exterior is more cheetah-laid back and all business. Ready for the charge, but sedate. Yeah?

Frank- Your efforts lack pith. All experimental poetry needs to flow from a practiced hand. We don't usually jump fresh out of the gates with the wild stuff. My guess is that if you concentrate diligently on rhyme and meter for a while, you'll be able to add something genuine to these current efforts. But for now, they sort of resemble failed Miller's Analogies. They're fun, and that's it. Which is all meant to sound encouraging. I mean, I read everything you've posted and it didn't make me feel any dumber or anydamnthing like that.

A couple three of you here (Paul) whose work(s) I still want to remark on. Later.

I don't know if anyone is struggling with where to go next, but I'm taking the advice I offered Frank. Rhymed, metered verse of some sort next. I'll probably come back with something sounding like Dr. Seuss at the 2144 Phoenix Summer Olympics. Which almost gives me an idea...

User avatar
Rick Keeney
Posts: 1099
Joined: Mon Jan 05, 2004 4:40 pm
Location: Minneapolis, MN

Re: Spill yer guts.

Postby Rick Keeney » Sun Apr 14, 2013 8:47 pm

Doug-my comment to you re: the Bonobo poem got cut off. I think that is a finished piece. With one exception: May I suggest the more sensible, and more rhythmic "fling" in place of the trite and sorta silly "flingle?" Cheers!!

User avatar
FrankChurch
Posts: 16283
Joined: Wed May 28, 2003 2:19 pm

Re: Spill yer guts.

Postby FrankChurch » Mon Apr 15, 2013 9:32 am

I agree one hundred percent. I just jot stuff down since I am not a professional poet. That last one took about three minutes.

Comparing me to Miller is a compliment though.

User avatar
Rick Keeney
Posts: 1099
Joined: Mon Jan 05, 2004 4:40 pm
Location: Minneapolis, MN

Re: Spill yer guts.

Postby Rick Keeney » Mon Apr 15, 2013 10:29 am

Frank, I was comparing your poem to questions written (but rejected) for a well-known standardized test: Miller Analogies Test...

http://psychcorp.pearsonassessments.com ... athome.htm

Though I did intend to encourage, despite the offbeat reference.

User avatar
Chuck Messer
Posts: 2089
Joined: Wed May 21, 2003 9:15 pm
Location: Lakewood, Colorado

Re: Spill yer guts.

Postby Chuck Messer » Mon Apr 15, 2013 2:32 pm

Rich: "The Bonobo poem got cut off". Hmm. I'm not sure what that means. I appreciate any honest comments from you or anyone here, I just want to make sure I understand your meaning.

Chuck
Some people are wedded to their ideology the way nuns are wed to God.

User avatar
Rick Keeney
Posts: 1099
Joined: Mon Jan 05, 2004 4:40 pm
Location: Minneapolis, MN

Re: Spill yer guts.

Postby Rick Keeney » Mon Apr 15, 2013 4:29 pm

Chuck-I'd intended to comment on your poem in my first post, but when I copied and pasted that post I inadvertently missed the part I wrote concerning your poem. That's all.

User avatar
Chuck Messer
Posts: 2089
Joined: Wed May 21, 2003 9:15 pm
Location: Lakewood, Colorado

Re: Spill yer guts.

Postby Chuck Messer » Mon Apr 15, 2013 5:07 pm

Sorry, that should have been Rick, not Rich. Caffeine hadn't kicked in yet.

Chuck
Some people are wedded to their ideology the way nuns are wed to God.

User avatar
Rick Keeney
Posts: 1099
Joined: Mon Jan 05, 2004 4:40 pm
Location: Minneapolis, MN

Re: Spill yer guts.

Postby Rick Keeney » Mon Apr 15, 2013 7:03 pm

Now, go submit that puppy to a paying market, Chuck.

User avatar
Chuck Messer
Posts: 2089
Joined: Wed May 21, 2003 9:15 pm
Location: Lakewood, Colorado

Re: Spill yer guts.

Postby Chuck Messer » Fri Apr 19, 2013 3:31 am

The songbird sings
Amid the April snow
As a Cooper's Hawk wheels overhead
The songbird sings its bright song
Promising renewal
Keeping an eye toward the sky
As Death soars silently above.
Some people are wedded to their ideology the way nuns are wed to God.

diane bartels
Posts: 1255
Joined: Tue Mar 11, 2008 7:29 pm
Location: CHICAGO IL

Re: Spill yer guts.

Postby diane bartels » Sun Apr 21, 2013 5:45 am

Chuck, very nice indeed.

Mark, good piece in annex.

Everybody, hi. Hope all are well.

User avatar
Rick Keeney
Posts: 1099
Joined: Mon Jan 05, 2004 4:40 pm
Location: Minneapolis, MN

Re: Spill yer guts.

Postby Rick Keeney » Tue Apr 23, 2013 8:59 pm

I don't think I've posted this one here. Don't know why. It was accepted today:


You Really Think

You cannot back so smoothly
out of something you ran into so
hard.
You’re fooling the seven people
you walked in with, but
not me-
nor your Uncle Bill-
who’s already tried the same thing,
but in a different silo,
on a different farm,
and for a lot more money.

Tim Raven
Posts: 255
Joined: Wed Dec 22, 2010 10:30 pm

Re: Spill yer guts.

Postby Tim Raven » Thu Apr 25, 2013 6:57 am

I’m still recovering from the perotidectomy. An unseen demon has been pounding a ten penny nail into my right ear hole for the last two weeks. My attempts to relieve pain via prescription drugs and alcohol have failed; time seems to have been the only cure. Back to work on Monday.

Chuck – I’ve been to Colorado, and the flora and fauna out there are beautiful. I really liked the songbird poem. It evokes that feeling of giant brisk sky that I felt during my time there. I’d suggest that you come up with a good title for this one. I think titles are essential parts of the poem, they can change the entire meaning with a single word. This is unrelated to the thread, but have you ever had dinner at the Buckhorn Exchange in Denver? I really loved that place.

All – I’ve decided to take Keeney’s advice and do a formally structured poem, a villanelle. It’ll be a challenge for me, you know how much I like to follow rules.

Rick – congratulations on the acceptance of “You Really Think”! I like this piece, it has a level of straight-forwardness, combined with a feeling of timeless meaning. Was there a reason for using the number seven?

I’ve modified the Ensenada poem with a mind toward your suggestions, especially regarding the profanity. I kept in the F-word that the asshole was shouting, as that was a direct quote. This incident actually happened to me on a booze cruise last December that went from Long Beach CA to Ensenada, Mexico and back. Three days of loud alcoholics on a boat. My girlfriend was not so much into the partying and was asleep in the cabin; I was sitting alone at the bar near the pool the last Sunday night of the trip.


Off Ensenada

I was staring at the ocean
off the coast of Mexico
and I began to notice
that the cufflinks
don’t match the shoes on this guy

He was screaming at the top of his head
I’ll fuck you up, bitch, I’ll fuck you up!
His frat boy friends held him back
as the drunken woman fled

I was staring at the ocean
off the coast of Mexico
and I could see them
jinking
behind me
in a reflection
on the salt covered window

I’ll fuck you up, bitch! ” he said it yet again
to empty air

So

I threw back my beer
and ordered another
when Security showed up
as usual
it was all over

He entered the tiny bathroom
and I followed the fellow in
he opened the stall and turned around
annoyed that I came in
I smashed him in his sweating face
His skull made the sound that the coconut makes
as it bounced against the tile
I pulled out my crank
and began my piss
unable to shake this thought

This

that the cufflinks
aren’t
ever
going to match
the shoes
on this guy

Back at the bar
I sat on my stool
and signaled for a phone
with a steady gaze on the ocean
off the coast of Mexico



Tim Raven

User avatar
Moderator
Site Admin
Posts: 10607
Joined: Sun Jan 15, 2006 12:17 pm
Contact:

Re: Spill yer guts.

Postby Moderator » Thu Apr 25, 2013 9:02 am

Tim Raven wrote:This incident actually happened to me on a booze cruise last December that went from Long Beach CA to Ensenada, Mexico and back. Three days of loud alcoholics on a boat. My girlfriend was not so much into the partying and was asleep in the cabin; I was sitting alone at the bar near the pool the last Sunday night of the trip.



Ahhh, been on this particular cruise. Nearly put us off cruising entirely. Safe to say, we're not party animals. Though we DID have a fair amount of fun at our friends' hangovers each of the mornings in question.

Love the poem. It does indeed elicit images from that voyage. Nicely done.
- I love to find adventure. All I need is a change of clothes, my Nikon, an open mind and a strong cup of coffee.

User avatar
FrankChurch
Posts: 16283
Joined: Wed May 28, 2003 2:19 pm

Re: Spill yer guts.

Postby FrankChurch » Thu Apr 25, 2013 10:06 am

Post removed by Moderator as a non-sequitor

User avatar
Rick Keeney
Posts: 1099
Joined: Mon Jan 05, 2004 4:40 pm
Location: Minneapolis, MN

Re: Spill yer guts.

Postby Rick Keeney » Thu Apr 25, 2013 3:01 pm

Post removed by Moderator


Return to “General”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests