Working Through the Process of Grief

General discussions of interest to readers and fans of Harlan Ellison.

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Re: Working Through the Process of Grief

Postby Moderator » Sun Jan 15, 2012 11:16 am

No, it doesn't Chuck. My wife's parents died more than a decade ago. Just last week we were watching an old film and a scene caught her and choked her up for a moment or two.

It will never disappear. Be thankful. It's a memory that you ought to cherish, even if it hurts a bit.
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FrankChurch
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Re: Working Through the Process of Grief

Postby FrankChurch » Sun Jan 15, 2012 2:37 pm

This is why I am on the left, I get misty when I hear about people in pain or dying, even though I never met them. Universal caring is a decent defense of Christianity. Wink.

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Re: Working Through the Process of Grief

Postby Lori Koonce » Sun Jan 15, 2012 5:35 pm

FrankChurch wrote:This is why I am on the left, I get misty when I hear about people in pain or dying, even though I never met them. Universal caring is a decent defense of Christianity. Wink.


Dude

I know many on the right who are compassionate people. You really do have to open you mind. Nothing is as black and white as you want it to be and somewhere inside yourself you know this.

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Re: Working Through the Process of Grief

Postby cynic » Sun Jan 15, 2012 5:50 pm

dad make it to the tetons yet chuck ?
able to go ?
I come across reminders on occasion, i can't imagine a regular or constant presence.
when memories come, it's nice. but any more, i think might get oppressive , for me.

i guess/hope it helps you though.
follow your bliss,mike

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Re: Working Through the Process of Grief

Postby Mark Tiedemann » Sun Jan 15, 2012 6:07 pm

Lori Koonce wrote:
FrankChurch wrote:This is why I am on the left, I get misty when I hear about people in pain or dying, even though I never met them. Universal caring is a decent defense of Christianity. Wink.


Dude

I know many on the right who are compassionate people. You really do have to open you mind. Nothing is as black and white as you want it to be and somewhere inside yourself you know this.


It's not either-or. People are amalgams. On the Right for this and that, but when it comes to the Other Thing, solidly on the Left. Oh, but all these odds-n-ends kind of sprawl in a continuum from one end to the other. And then there's that weird thing that defies categorization.

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Re: Working Through the Process of Grief

Postby Duane » Sun Jan 15, 2012 8:06 pm

Well, now I get to add my little bit to this thread:

My dad passed away on December 18 of 2011 after a decline of about a year. He was 69.

He started dealing with renal failure back in July, due to low blood pressure. The low blood pressure was caused by a calcified pericardium (that's the sac that surrounds the heart). Surgery was indicated to remove it, and though it sounds simple, it's a very delicate, invasive procedure. The surgery took place a week before Thanksgiving.

90% of the time, blood pressure increases, but in my dad's case, it didn't. He was on a dopamine dripline for several weeks, and his appetite dropped to the point where he couldn't consume food.

He appeared to be on a slow recovery when I saw him on Thanksgiving, and after several days with him in the ICU, I went home thinking he was on his way to getting better.

Then, two weeks later, his heart stopped. They were walking him around, trying to get some movement, and he simply collapsed. The nurses revived him, and the doctors installed a pacemaker. I decided it might be a good idea to make the drive to AZ and see him again, you know, just in case. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw him. Fingers the size of sausages, jaundice from nonworking kidneys, and doctors trying every trick in the book to get dialysis to work (difficult to do when your BP is low). The heart doctor told him that it was simply going to take time, but if he was willing to fight, they'd stick by him. This buoyed his, and our, spirits immensely, and I went home once again, hopeful for the future.

The very next day, when the nurses were getting him up for a bit of physical therapy, he told them to lay him back down. They did so, and he simply closed his eyes and was gone. I wasn't there, but my mom and some of my siblings were in the waiting room when the announcement came over the PA "Code Blue, room 5005." They tried for ten minutes to revive him, and the doctor told my mom that they could try for another 20 if she wanted them to. She said no. They tried for another five minutes anyway, but no avail.

I got the call, and we spent the week before Christmas at my Mom's house planning the funeral, and in my case, writing the eulogy. It was really, really rough.

Oh yeah, and thanks to a freak snowstorm on the day of the funeral (Friday the 23rd), we had to get up at 5:00 AM and shovel out the cars so we could get to the church.

The funeral was very emotional, especially for my younger nieces and nephews, who understood intellectually that Grandpa was dead, but didn't really GET IT until they saw him lying in the coffin.

After the eulogy, and the burial at the local cemetery in windy, 18F weather, came the lunch, provided by members of the church, and we all felt an emotional load lift from our shoulders. My mom told us she doesn't want to be "babysat," but we're looking out for her, anyway.

I feel sad, but I'm not sure what "stage" of grief I'm supposed to be at. I KNOW he's gone (I helped my brothers dress him at the mortuary), but I'm not quite sure if I'm at "Anger" or "Resignation" or whatever stage the psych folks who study these things say I'm supposed to be at.

But I am grateful for one thing: we were always close, and there are no regrets about estrangement, or lack of communication, or whatever. Life goes on.

Feels great to type this out, by the way! Dad's gone, but mom and everyone else is still around, and will be around for quite some time!

Thanks for letting me vent!

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Re: Working Through the Process of Grief

Postby Moderator » Sun Jan 15, 2012 9:49 pm

Duane, words don't do this justice, this just sucks. I am so sorry for your loss and fir your family's grief.

If you need to talk, gimme a call.
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Re: Working Through the Process of Grief

Postby Chuck Messer » Sun Jan 15, 2012 10:55 pm

I understand your feelings, Duane. Forget the stages. Deal with this in your own way. Like you, I'm glad I still have family left. In fact, I just got back from seeing my mom and my sister.

I am sorry for your loss.

Chuck
Some people are wedded to their ideology the way nuns are wed to God.

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Re: Working Through the Process of Grief

Postby FrankChurch » Mon Jan 16, 2012 5:49 pm

Duane, oh my bud, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. We will be there for you. You know we all care.

Your Dad is in a good place.

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Re: Working Through the Process of Grief

Postby Anthony Ravenscroft » Wed Jan 25, 2012 10:18 pm

My sister-in-law is dying. Good heavens, 54!!! The cancer was beaten back for a couple of years...

Please: no condolences. I've just been rereading the thread, & I want to thank you galuts for an overall sense of calm realistic introspection.

But you could do me a favor. Go walk your dog. Talk to your cat. Call your kids or parents or siblings or friends for no particular reason. If you've got a grudge, bury it for a few minutes & just say "hi." If they're closer, find an excuse to give 'em a hug. Always take lots of photos.

You'll be glad you did.

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Re: Working Through the Process of Grief

Postby Steve Evil » Fri Jan 27, 2012 3:19 pm

One day, I will need this thread very badly.

But not yet. . .

And hopefully, not for a long time.

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Re: Working Through the Process of Grief

Postby FrankChurch » Sat Jan 28, 2012 9:28 am

Steve Evil, best not to hope for pain.

Sympathy is what lucky people do.

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Re: Working Through the Process of Grief

Postby Lori Koonce » Sat Jan 28, 2012 12:22 pm

FrankChurch wrote:Steve Evil, best not to hope for pain.

Sympathy is what lucky people do.



Frank

Nothing wrong with realizing that all things that are alive will eventually die. That includes our family members and friends.

And there is nothing wrong with hoping those we care about stick around for a long time. That's what Mr. Evil was doing and it goes to show the good relationship he has with whomever prompted him to write what he did.

And as far sympathy goes, it's much more genuine if you've had a little expirence with what a person has gone through.

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Re: Working Through the Process of Grief

Postby FrankChurch » Sat Jan 28, 2012 2:41 pm

Exactly, this is why I mostly take the views of the victims.

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Re: Working Through the Process of Grief

Postby Lori Koonce » Sat Jan 28, 2012 2:51 pm

Really Frank

There is no "victim" in death. It happens to everything that lives. You'll do it one day and so will I.


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