Working Through the Process of Grief

General discussions of interest to readers and fans of Harlan Ellison.

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FrankChurch
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Re: Working Through the Process of Grief

Postby FrankChurch » Thu Jan 27, 2011 4:26 pm

Are they atheists as well, Ezra?

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Ezra Lb.
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Re: Working Through the Process of Grief

Postby Ezra Lb. » Thu Jan 27, 2011 8:21 pm

FrankChurch wrote:Are they atheists as well, Ezra?


My parents, like most of my family are fundamentalist christians. Southern Baptists.
“We must not always talk in the marketplace,” Hester Prynne said, “of what happens to us in the forest.”
-Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter

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Re: Working Through the Process of Grief

Postby paul » Fri Feb 04, 2011 10:45 am

Thanks for the kinds words guys, you're aces.

Barber~ "It's an awful, but tight, community..." Oh, I wouldn't call us awful, but I imagine I could be closer if I tried. :)
You are right about helping others, wanting the pain to go away. Oh, man.
~~~~~~~~

Lori~ This thread and the last coupla weeks have helped me decide this kind of confessional writing is a good thing. I've never kept a diary- I've tried a hundred times. I get two days in, something else comes up and two weeks go by before I remember it again. However I do think that Writing is a key and I remember a very long time ago, my first live-in girlfriend (ten years older than my 21 and a pure child of the 70's) had had a particularly nasty relationship before me and carried that baggage around with her for a while when we were together. It ate at her and she found herself verbally striking out at me for perceived similarities and she just hated it. She talked to her mom and the elderly flower-child (bless her) made a suggestion. Granted it's a tad on the hokey, new-agey, neo-mystic, gestalt-thereapy, me-feel-bad-you-feel-nothing side of the tracks but it worked for her: Write a letter, the one where you take the evil party to task for their behaviour. Let it all spill out on the page, the feelings, the worries, why you hate them and what they did to you. Then burn it. A small, personal candle, a huge bonfire with friends, burn it. And she did, and she really did feel better.

This is the kind if spiritualism I believe in. Nothing to do with mainstream religion or the okey-doke that we'll see each other again. Just the fact that actions on earth help us on earth, even if only in our mind. 'Cause really, that's where we need to feel good, yeah?

Me, I scream at the sky on cloudless nights about things that piss me off, and no one has to die for that.
~~~~~~~~~

Anyway, I've been thinking about this. In my personal life, I'm not very close to my own family. Emotionally or physically. They're 1500 miles north and I'm only really close (or actually talk) to an aunt, an uncle, a cousin... hell that's really it. The last person in my family I was close to who died was my grandmother, in 1997, and I wasn't there when it happened.
So, the last few deaths of import have been Kat's family. I was there for her sister's death in '06 and now for her mom.

(Does it only seem like a bad decade when a few people die? Kat lost her mom, her sister and her favorite ((the youngest)) aunt in ten years. Is that a lot? Chuck lost a best friend and a father in less than a year. I feel like I should know some sliding scale of horrors, and I don't, save that every one hurts as much as the last.)

I'm going to suggest to Kat that she write a letter to her mom, just to say how much she loved her and what she did for her and all. Just for herself, not for anyone else. And then she should do something her mom would do with it. She was a scrap-booker, maybe cut it into sections and interweave it with pictures and tchotchkes kept, into a book. It's not something I can do, but as Steve said, there is no real solace to give to people at a time like this, though we all try.
The medium is the message.

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FrankChurch
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Re: Working Through the Process of Grief

Postby FrankChurch » Fri Feb 04, 2011 4:15 pm

Rebellion is a very good virtue.

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Chuck Messer
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Re: Working Through the Process of Grief

Postby Chuck Messer » Fri Feb 04, 2011 7:46 pm

I'd also recommend the site, Post Secret. Google should guide you there pretty well. People write their deepest secrets -- anonymously -- and send them in. Each Sunday, some of them are posted on line. Some are shocking, some are heartbreaking some are funny, some are gross. Many are familiar. I think many of the people who write their secrets feel purged of a lingering fear or grief, etc. There is also a Post Secret book out, and individuals will slip a postcard with their own secret into the book while on the shelf from time to time.

One of the tenets of Judaism that I think makes sense is the idea that if you're going through grief, get it out. Express it, don't stuff it. Something like this can be part of the process.

I find that if I find I've been stuffing it for a while, I'll play Johnny Cash's cover of the NIN song, Hurt. I gets me every time, especially the words, "Everyone I know goes away in the end". Although the song is mostly about a messed-up kid young person who probably abuses drugs and probably self-mutilates, it's also a song about loss, and that's what gets to me.

Chuck
Some people are wedded to their ideology the way nuns are wed to God.

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Chuck Messer
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Re: Working Through the Process of Grief

Postby Chuck Messer » Fri Feb 04, 2011 7:48 pm

Pardon my typos. I haven't been up that long. :oops:

Chuck
Some people are wedded to their ideology the way nuns are wed to God.

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Lori Koonce
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Re: Working Through the Process of Grief

Postby Lori Koonce » Fri Feb 04, 2011 9:29 pm

For anyone who would like to participate in the PostSecret project

http://tinyurl.com/4zn43c8

That should take you to the page where the FAQ gives you an address and the kind of thing they are looking for.

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Chuck Messer
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Re: Working Through the Process of Grief

Postby Chuck Messer » Thu May 26, 2011 8:45 am

Tomorrow, we will inter Dad's ashes at the Fort Logan Cemetary. I thought after all I've been through, this would be relatively easy. I don't think it will be. I guess this is the final ritual for saying goodbye to Dad. He's being interred at a military cemetary since he served in the Army back in the mid-fifties. His long illness depleted nearly all of what Dad built up, but my stepmom Ellie has some money left over. It will be at 1:00 pm tomorrow, and the ceremony will last thirty minutes. My late stepfather, Hugh Penrod, is also buried there and I plan on visiting his grave after the service.

Tomorrow is the 27th. Dad's birthday is on the 28th.

This is not going to be easy.

Chuck
Some people are wedded to their ideology the way nuns are wed to God.

cynic
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Re: Working Through the Process of Grief

Postby cynic » Thu May 26, 2011 2:03 pm

just a thought chuck;
it's good to have a place that folks can visit your dad.
have you considered saving some of the ashes?
down the line you may be better able to visit the Tetons .

not my business
sorry for your loss;

Mike
follow your bliss,mike

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Steve Evil
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Re: Working Through the Process of Grief

Postby Steve Evil » Thu May 26, 2011 2:41 pm

Take care Chuck. Tough days I know, but take care. Thoughts and prayers, best wishes, and all that goes.

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Re: Working Through the Process of Grief

Postby Moderator » Thu May 26, 2011 4:58 pm

Chuck- My thoughts exactly echoes Mark's.
- I love to find adventure. All I need is a change of clothes, my Nikon, an open mind and a strong cup of coffee.

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Chuck Messer
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Re: Working Through the Process of Grief

Postby Chuck Messer » Thu May 26, 2011 11:00 pm

Actually, Ellie is going to keep some of the ashes and scatter them at the Tetons.

It's a beautiful area. If you've never been there, you've got to see it. Those flat plains and marshlands and then suddenly there they are, thrust up from the earth, raw and jagged, lined with glaciers. To the north is Yellowstone, and bridging the two is the Rockefeller national park. If you go into the lobby of the hotel, at the back is a balcony with the pay-per-view binoculars. I once saw a tiny speck moving in the marshes below. I put a quarter into the binoculars and found the 'speck' was a moose!

I'm glad some of the ashes will go there.

Chuck
Some people are wedded to their ideology the way nuns are wed to God.

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Chuck Messer
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Re: Working Through the Process of Grief

Postby Chuck Messer » Thu May 26, 2011 11:00 pm

Just avoid Jackson at the height of the tourist season.
Some people are wedded to their ideology the way nuns are wed to God.

cynic
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Re: Working Through the Process of Grief

Postby cynic » Thu May 26, 2011 11:17 pm

Chuck Messer wrote:Just avoid Jackson at the height of the tourist season.
price gouging?crime?crowds?
sounds exiting!
follow your bliss,mike

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Chuck Messer
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Re: Working Through the Process of Grief

Postby Chuck Messer » Sun Jan 15, 2012 2:53 am

Just got back from seeing a movie. For some reason, I started thinking about Dad. Maybe it's because the computer I'm using was probably the last one he put together (it was a hobby) before he got too sick to do it anymore.

I looked at some photos of Dad back in 2003 & 2004. He looked so happy.

I've been feeling kinda weepy.

It never completely goes away.

Chuck
Some people are wedded to their ideology the way nuns are wed to God.


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