Hospice

General discussions of interest to readers and fans of Harlan Ellison.

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Chuck Messer
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Hospice

Postby Chuck Messer » Thu Jul 08, 2010 4:12 pm

I got off the phone with my stepmom about fifteen minutes ago.

She told me that they were looking at putting Dad into hospice care. At this time, the doctor believes Dad has about six months left.

The last time I saw him, he barely recognized me. I try to see him once a week, but it takes all my strength to go there.

I have such mixed feelings. On one hand, Dad's long downhill slide may be coming to an end. Two old friends of his, Carmen and Al Rodriguez, came by to see him a few weeks ago and he didn't recognize them. At all. He and Al knew each other since boyhood.

On the other hand it means Dad will be gone before too long. That's hard to take. I now have to decide whether to tell my sister now or wait a little while.

Oh Kali, you bitch.

The world is pain.


Chuck
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Re: Hospice

Postby Moderator » Thu Jul 08, 2010 7:14 pm

Chuck, I am so sorry to read this. I have gone through this with my wife's family, but fortunately not my own parents as of yet.

I cannot fathom your thoughts and emotions.

Rely on friends and intimates for your support, as much as your mother and sister will need to rely upon you.

There are others here far more qualified -- sadly -- than I to help you address this time. I'm sure they will speak up, and certainly do not hesitate to reach out to anyone here (phone or PM or whatever). Myself included.

Steve B
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Douglas Harrison
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Re: Hospice

Postby Douglas Harrison » Thu Jul 08, 2010 9:16 pm

Chuck, these have been awful times for you and your family, and I just hope that events proceed in the least painful way possible for all of you.

To lose a parent is to lose an anchor. You have my sympathy.

D.

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Steve Evil
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Re: Hospice

Postby Steve Evil » Thu Jul 08, 2010 11:45 pm

Thoughts and prayers and well wishes Chuck.

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Lori Koonce
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Re: Hospice

Postby Lori Koonce » Fri Jul 09, 2010 11:49 am

Chuck

First of all, my most heartfelt sympathy for you and your family. The universe has not been kind to any of you. But if you represent your family, you've all handled it with a grace and dignity most people don't possess.

I just want you to know that Hospice is probably the best place for your dad to be on many levels. I watched my dad and his mom try to take care of my Grandfather in his last days. You think you feel badly now, just add watching loved ones going down the emotional and physical rollercoaster of taking care of the terminally ill to that, and see if you feel any better.

At least this way you mom can take a break from being there for him to be there for herself, which is just as important if not more so. And you can be there for both of them this way. WIth someone to care for your dad, maybe your mom will take the break she needs.

Anyways, that's my two cents worth. Please take it with a majorly big grain of salt. I don't know what you and your family are really going through, so I just hope that this is of some help to you and the rest of the Messer clan as well. You're all in my prayers.

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FrankChurch
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Re: Hospice

Postby FrankChurch » Fri Jul 09, 2010 12:34 pm

Oh Chuck.

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Re: Hospice

Postby diane bartels » Fri Jul 09, 2010 4:22 pm

Chuck,

I am so sorry for you and your family. There are no magic words I can offer to comfort or ease your burden, I know. But I will pray for you and you dad. And I am here throu PM or the boards if you want to talk. I did lose both my parents a few years ago and my aunt who was a second mom to me. And it gave me no special wisdom or ability to handle grief. Only my mom want to hospice; and of that I will say that they kept her almost entirely pain free. I have come to value your cyber friendship here a lot, Chuck. You've cheered me up on some dark days, and made the road brighter for your presence. If I can ease this tome for you, please let me know. Diane

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Re: Hospice

Postby diane bartels » Fri Jul 09, 2010 4:23 pm

went to hospice

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David Loftus
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Re: Hospice

Postby David Loftus » Fri Jul 09, 2010 4:48 pm

Sorry to hear about your family difficulties, Chuck. We've had three friends, all women younger than Carole, pass in the last year and a half, and it's no fun. Fortunately, it's been a while since a close family member has gone. My father went suddenly and without warning in 1996 (drunk driver pulled out in front of his motorcycle) and her father died a long, slow, lingering death (fortunately in good spirits and fairly pain-free, but still a lot of work for us). I really couldn't say whether one or the other is preferable. It's hard any way you slice it. I really don't look forward to the day when it's my wonderful mother's turn.
War is, at first, the hope that one will be better off; next, the expectation that the other fellow will be worse off; then, the satisfaction that he isn't any better off; and, finally, the surprise at everyone's being worse off. - Karl Kraus

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Peggy
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Re: Hospice

Postby Peggy » Fri Jul 09, 2010 8:26 pm

Chuck,

so sorry to hear about your father. I hope you and your family are as well as can be in this time.

Peggy
"And if you're like me, you need hope, coffee and melody..." - Robbie Seay Band, "New Day"

Anthony Ravenscroft
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Re: Hospice

Postby Anthony Ravenscroft » Fri Jul 09, 2010 10:56 pm

I'm sitting ten feet from where Dad died. We donate every year to the program, from gratitude for their help.

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Chuck Messer
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Re: Hospice

Postby Chuck Messer » Mon Jul 12, 2010 1:27 am

I saw Dad yesterday. He was somewhat coherent, and he said my name. He still remembers me.

I was with Mom today, and she called my stepmom, Ellie and found out that the hospice care was coming to my dad at the home. Still, he's never going to improve.

At least we had a nice visit on Saturday, although I had a hard time understanding him.

I was with Mom and my sister Julie this evening and it was nice to be with family. At least they're doing reasonably well.

Chuck
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Re: Hospice

Postby Moderator » Mon Jul 12, 2010 7:16 am

Chuck -
Im sure you already know this, but now is the time to spend as much time as possible with your Dad, making sure you say everything you want to say. Let him know what an influence he has been in your life. Tell him about things you wanted to tell him and maybe forgot over the years (make a list if necessary). He doesn't need to do anything but listen. Tell him a joke. Tell him about the good stuff. Talk to him about the little things.

Make this time absolutely invaluable. Make it special. No grieving; celebrate that you at least have some time left and can do it right.

It will comfort him now, and you later.
- I love to find adventure. All I need is a change of clothes, my Nikon, an open mind and a strong cup of coffee.

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FrankChurch
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Re: Hospice

Postby FrankChurch » Mon Jul 12, 2010 1:22 pm

Chuck, make his every day happy. You are a good son.

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Re: Hospice

Postby NeonMosfet » Tue Jul 13, 2010 2:21 pm

Considering my own brush with cancer, try to be with him. He may not remember, but I think he may have some sort of awareness. He may need to be aware of you, soul to soul.
Myopia Through Convexed Harlequins


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