A sudden outburst

General discussions of interest to readers and fans of Harlan Ellison.

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Kafkahead
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A sudden outburst

Postby Kafkahead » Thu Apr 15, 2010 1:56 pm

Dear Webderlander Kinsmen (and Kinswomen as well)

Usually, I'm not the type of person to tear myself apart in wailing and crying over anything and everything. In fact, I'd rather keep my own sadness and frustration to myself other than to whine annoyingly about what pains me the most. But sometimes, when I'm feeling really down and full of grief and anguish, my heart cracks open like an egg shell meeting the surface of a hammer's business end.

Such an outburst happened to me today. I had been talking to the school counselor (something I'm required to do around once a week), and as she spoke of my rising grades, of my slipping behavior and of my wish to write, which was intruding my school duties (which is half true, considering I spend my free time after work writing...sometimes till 2 a.m, with obvious results in the morning) .
After listening to this quietly, the floodgates just burst open. There was no sobbing, no actual wailing, only a trail of tears from my eyes.

All day, I had felt either apathetic or with a deadpan snarking streak, but right there and then, I was overcome with a sort of empty desperation and depression. I cried a good five minutes while the counselor soothed me (mind you, the counselor only admonished me lightly as a warning, speaking about the potential I had shown before as she did so. I've known her over three years, and her help as been priceless to me, a treasure of pure humanism that she offers to all the kids that meet her).

As I look back, I think to myself "What the hell was that?!", and not without cause: grades are rising, teachers find me a bit annoying at times for asking too many questions, but other than that consider me book smart, and my writing has never been better (still improving).

So, I ask you all: What was that? :?

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Ezra Lb.
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Re: A sudden outburst

Postby Ezra Lb. » Thu Apr 15, 2010 2:23 pm

K, you're a freak. I don't mean that as an insult. Just the god's honest truth. You care about things other people don't care about. You want things other people don't want. You value things other people don't value. You see things other people don't see.

You're going to have to deal with that somehow. You're always going to be surrounded by a world that will cause you to question yourself. You have to develop a way of accomodating that world without being crushed by it. Sometimes it will be very hard.

One way is to associate with like-minded people. They're out there even though it may not seem like it.

If it helps other people have gone through what you're going through and survived. Not just survived but thrived.

You're not alone.
“We must not always talk in the marketplace,” Hester Prynne said, “of what happens to us in the forest.”
-Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter

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Lori Koonce
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Re: A sudden outburst

Postby Lori Koonce » Thu Apr 15, 2010 3:27 pm

Kafak

As a fellow freak, I have to agree with what Ezra has said. I've always made it a point to make friends with the people who make me feel normal. Its the only way to survive.

As for your crying spell, what is more important than where it came from is what you do with it. Sounds to me like you need to find a bit more of a balance between your schooling and your writing.

But, I could be wrong. It wouldn't be the first time, and probably won't be the last.

diane bartels
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Re: A sudden outburst

Postby diane bartels » Fri Apr 16, 2010 12:45 am

Hi, Kafka. What Lori and Ezra said. Plus, you're 17. While that is later adolescence, it's still adolescence. Hormones still rage, your body and mind struggle to become fully adult. Yet it is human for a part of you to mourn childhood's passage and have trepidation over change. Don't worry, all manner of things will be well;metamorohsis is never easy, but it is worth it.
On a separate n0te the cable co. stood me up so I still do not have own e-mail. Been busy this week with my return to physical therapy and stuff. Will update you later

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Chuck Messer
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Re: A sudden outburst

Postby Chuck Messer » Fri Apr 16, 2010 9:28 am

Fly you freak flag high, Kafka! If you wanted to find a group of like-minded people, you found 'em here.

High school may be a drag (don't give up on the senior year, though) but you may find college to be more to your liking. I did. Hang in there, fella!

Chuck
Some people are wedded to their ideology the way nuns are wed to God.

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Steve Evil
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Re: A sudden outburst

Postby Steve Evil » Fri Apr 16, 2010 1:59 pm

I don't think there's a poster here who hasn't occasionally found the pressures of existence unbearable. Hell I stumbled onto these parts half-insane some five years ago, just fed up with the whole business. I wouldna stuck around half so long if this weren't such a collection of freaks and geeks. You won't find finer menagerie anywhere on the web. Welcome home.

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Re: A sudden outburst

Postby Moderator » Fri Apr 16, 2010 8:36 pm

Karka -
I find this time is a very raw one for my wife and me. It comes and goes, but you need to understand that being open to such moments of utter emotionalism is what distances you from the rest of the world. As long as you recognize the difference, you'll be fine.

My two cents.

SB
- I love to find adventure. All I need is a change of clothes, my Nikon, an open mind and a strong cup of coffee.

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FrankChurch
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Re: A sudden outburst

Postby FrankChurch » Sat Apr 17, 2010 10:00 am

No doubt. When I was picked on in school I almost used violence--almost! I could be a serial killer instead of the loveable guy you now see standing on his soapbox.

Kafka, you rock.


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