Rantage part who knows what

General discussions of interest to readers and fans of Harlan Ellison.

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Lori Koonce
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Rantage part who knows what

Postby Lori Koonce » Mon Nov 30, 2009 10:18 am

Ok all you happily partnered people, maybe you can answer this for me.

I'm not totally clock stopping ugly, I'm smart, a little shy, darkly funny and IMNHO a fine catch.

So why the heck am I still single? A better question is why are all the ugly stupid women I know happily sitting in the laps of decent,hard working not bad looking men??

Here's the bitch. My set of standards could be met by all but the most psychopathic or neurotic human on the planet:

1: Have a source of income. I don't care if it's SSI or a damned trust fund. Just don't be expecting to live off the little bit I have. I'm barely makin it myself.

2: Be intelligent. Sure, my BFF has a Phd from Stanford, but that doesn't mean YOU have to. Just be able to hold a conversation on something other than sports, sex, cars and/or booze.

and finally....

3: Be open minded. some of what makes me who I am is so far off the bell curve it isn't even funny. But for the most part I tend to keep it to myself, so if I accidentally let you know something you think is weird, don't dismiss it without trying to find out what it's about.

Simple standards in my opinion but because of them I've spent most of my adult life being very much alone. We don't even mention the shitty 2 plus years I was married to an abusive little fuck.

It's getting to the point that I wanna start asking you guys if ya know anyone in the SF Bay Area who is single and willing to try a blind date. And being that desperate has never gotten me the quality man I'm searching fo

Anyways, most of you here are males, and none of you need to hear anymore of this. So, I'll just wish you all a Merry/Happy holiday of your choice and STFU for now.

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Re: Rantage part who knows what

Postby Moderator » Mon Nov 30, 2009 10:56 am

Lori.

Relax.

If finding a true and total soul mate were this easy we would not be knee deep in divorces and ugly splits. Yeah, I got lucky the first time around, but (for example) Harlan did not.

(Took him several attempts to find his one and only.)

My advice -- and this has worked for quite a number of friends who were once "is it me?" but are now "aint' we grand?" -- is: Relax. Be yourself. Someone, at a time you least expect it, will come along. Remain open to your feelings, not your mind. Trying too hard puts too much pressure on each date, each time out. Not every date has to end with a walk down the aisle -- not every date SHOULD.

But if you relax and insist on enjoying the person you're talking to, instead of auditioning them, you'll discover you ain't in such a bad place after all. Take a deep breath, reassure yourself that you've just not found "the one" yet -- but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy the process.

As you note, you're a pretty good catch yourself.


And for the Dep't of What It's Worth Shaggy Dog Story: Cris and I were engaged largely by accident.

As you may not know, we were both competitive ballroom dancers (think Dancing with the Stars). She was a professional, I was an amateur. I asked the man who owned the studio I rehearsed at -- who also happened to coach me as a competitor -- if he could recommend a pro-am partner. He suggested Cris, who both taught and competed for the studio.

Four months later she and I were the best of friends. A month after that I told a mutual buddy that if she didn't have a boyfriend I would marry her (she did, BTW).

A month later (are you keeping track?) she broke up with him and asked me out on a date.

Two months later we were sitting in her car and she announced she felt like she could spend the rest of her life with me -- a revelation I hadn't expected but incorrectly took to mean she wanted to get married. (Yeeks!) Not wanting to lose her, I sucked it up and proposed a couple of weeks later -- which she then took as rushing the relationship. But being of a like mind, she said yes.

It wasn't until roughly our fifth anniversary when we compared notes and realized we BOTH thought the other person was moving too fast.

The point of this is: I was not ready to settle down. I wasn't looking for a lifetime commitment (in point of fact I was well down the road to indulgent self-destruction). We met as teacher/student, segued to friendship and finally to a lifetime partnership. No plan, no intent, but being open to possibilities as they came along.

Hope this helps.
- I love to find adventure. All I need is a change of clothes, my Nikon, an open mind and a strong cup of coffee.

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Duane
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Re: Rantage part who knows what

Postby Duane » Mon Nov 30, 2009 12:44 pm

Hey Lori,

Before anyone takes this as some sort of personal ad, I'm male, straight, 46, very athletic, and very, very single. Yep, it's not just "wimmen" who find themselves on the short end of the marital stick.

Can't exactly tell you why; I've had plenty of relationships, but for some reason, none have worked out. But it's like my old man says: all you need is for one to work out. And I'm confident that at some point it will.

Besides, there's lots to do in this life regardless of which box one checks on a census form. From my point of view, I find myself attracted to women who have something going on, a cause, career or whatever, that she is excited about. I'm sure that applies to the other side of the gender divide as well. As humans, we love movement. In ourselves, and in others. Good luck, and as Tavis Smiley signs off with, "Keep the faith!"

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Re: Rantage part who knows what

Postby Duane » Mon Nov 30, 2009 12:45 pm

Steve, youtube awaits!! :D

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Re: Rantage part who knows what

Postby Moderator » Mon Nov 30, 2009 12:53 pm

Duane wrote:Steve, youtube awaits!! :D


I'm being dim here.

Huh?
- I love to find adventure. All I need is a change of clothes, my Nikon, an open mind and a strong cup of coffee.

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Duane
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Re: Rantage part who knows what

Postby Duane » Mon Nov 30, 2009 1:18 pm

I was just wondering if there was video of your competitive ballroom dancing days.

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Re: Rantage part who knows what

Postby FrankChurch » Mon Nov 30, 2009 2:29 pm

Lori, a single woman has a better chance in meeting a guy than a single guy. You may have to lower your standards...lol

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Re: Rantage part who knows what

Postby markabaddon » Mon Nov 30, 2009 2:41 pm

Lori my friend,

I am so sorry you are going through this, you certainly deserve better. Unfortunately, there ain't no easy answers. I know it costs a little money, but freinds of mine who have tried eHarmony have had a lot of success. Also, you say that you are hesitant to ask your friends to set you up. Why? Mayeb a blind date would not be the best approach, but see if some of your friends have any single friends who might be fun to hang out with and arrange to go listen to music in a cafe with a group or organize a walking/biking/whatever group that gets out and does free or cheap activities together.

Much like I was telling someone very recently about her job search, if you are negative about the search for a mate it will be apparent pretty quickly. My best advice for you is to go out, have fun and not worry about it too much. If you are happy and enjoying yourself, I have no doubt that someone will be attracted to someone as bright and lively as you

You know how to reach me if you want to talk more,

Mark
Governments, if they endure, always tend increasingly toward aristrocratic forms. No gov't in history has been known to evade this pattern. And as the aristocracy develops, gov't tends more and mroe to act exclusively in the interests of the ruling class

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Re: Rantage part who knows what

Postby FrankChurch » Mon Nov 30, 2009 2:45 pm

Lori's a cutie. Runz.

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Ezra Lb.
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Re: Rantage part who knows what

Postby Ezra Lb. » Mon Nov 30, 2009 3:35 pm

OK you've received the good advice so here's the bad advice. Or at least the brutally honest advice.

Forget romance.

It's all biochemistry. You must expose yourself to the right guy with the compatible biochemistry. The only way you can do that is by exposing yourself to as many men as possible increasing the chances you will stumble upon the guy with the right biochemistry.

Now that doesn't mean you have to have sex with every guy you meet. No no no. It means you have to interact socially with as many men as possible. If you are a solitary sort, as am I, it just makes your task more difficult. If you are the gregarious type then it will be easier.

It's not so much luck as statistical. Contingent.

The greater the pool of candidates the greater your chance of meeting Mr Right. Except of course there is probably more than one Mr Right.

You can attempt this sorting process yourself, of course, or you can allow someone else to assist you with the sorting, i.e., a dating service.

Not very romantic perhaps but honest.
“We must not always talk in the marketplace,” Hester Prynne said, “of what happens to us in the forest.”
-Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter

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Lori Koonce
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Re: Rantage part who knows what

Postby Lori Koonce » Mon Nov 30, 2009 4:50 pm

I HATE THE COFFEE BEAN AND TEA LEAF's policy of timming me out every two hours. I had a nice post ready for the submit button and BOOM, I lost it.

Anyways, you guys are the bestest! I wish you could fit in my back pocket so I could pull ya all out when I have nights like yesterday.


Barber and Duane: I think my biggest problem is that I keep on compairing myself to my little brother. He's got the spouse, house and the wonderfulest daughter procreation could provide. He's three years and the same nunber of months younger than me and I can't help but feel that little green eyed monster every once and awhile.

Mark: Why do I hesitate to ask for the fix up? I think it is because I was taught that blind dates reek of desperation. Don't know about you, but most guys can smell that stuff from miles away. And if it turns me off, why should I expect any differnt from them? I've been burned more times that I care to remember with dating off the internet. Actually travled all the way to Toronto just to find out that the dude was wonderful behind a computer screen and something totally different in person. It was a good thing I've always wanted to go to that part of Canada or I'd have been totally disapointed.

Frank: What can I say. You are about the only thing besides the rock and roll hall of fame that would make me consider moving to Clevland. Thank you for the compliment.


Ezra: I'm in therapy to learn to like my own company. Like others have said, that is one of the more attractive things in anyone. While I don't like thinking that finding a partner is all that clinical, you've got a good point. It's a matter of putting yourself out there enough, which isn't that easy for me. I do really good once the ice is broken, but before that I'm all tounge tied and a mess.

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Re: Rantage part who knows what

Postby Moderator » Mon Nov 30, 2009 5:04 pm

Duane wrote:I was just wondering if there was video of your competitive ballroom dancing days.


Got it. I doubt it. Not sure the camera had even been invented at that point.

(Honestly, no, unless someone out there has held their copy for 25 years...)
- I love to find adventure. All I need is a change of clothes, my Nikon, an open mind and a strong cup of coffee.

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Lori Koonce
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Re: Rantage part who knows what

Postby Lori Koonce » Mon Nov 30, 2009 5:17 pm

Come on Steve

I can envision you doing a lot of things, but ballroom dancing wouldn't have even ranked in the top 100. You owe it to your fan base!

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Re: Rantage part who knows what

Postby Moderator » Mon Nov 30, 2009 5:27 pm

Ezra Lb. wrote:It's all biochemistry.


This from a guy who just changed his avatar to HAL 9000.
- I love to find adventure. All I need is a change of clothes, my Nikon, an open mind and a strong cup of coffee.

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Lori Koonce
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Re: Rantage part who knows what

Postby Lori Koonce » Mon Nov 30, 2009 5:33 pm

Steve have you ever known Ezra not to take a scientific viewpoint on ANYTHING oter tha politics around here.

WIth that said, he's totally right. It's all a numbers game as far as the biology goes.


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