Seriously, we don't have a joke thread?

General discussions of interest to readers and fans of Harlan Ellison.

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paul
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Seriously, we don't have a joke thread?

Postby paul » Wed Jul 09, 2008 3:59 pm

Two penguins are on a small floe and one looks at his friend and says, "you look like you're wearing a tuxedo."

His friend replies, "How do you know I'm not?"
The medium is the message.

Douglas Harrison
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Re: Seriously, we don't have a joke thread?

Postby Douglas Harrison » Fri Jul 11, 2008 1:59 am

paul wrote:Two penguins are on a small floe and one looks at his friend and says, "you look like you're wearing a tuxedo."

His friend replies, "How do you know I'm not?"

Aaaand we still don't have a joke thread.

Sorry, Paul.

D.

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swp
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Postby swp » Fri Jul 11, 2008 6:23 am

Stop Redundancy

The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation
of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting
and thus will not be meeting until the first time.

Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had
their first meeting, so that it would not be unor confusing.

So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not
have a meeting before the first meeting.

This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is
held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is
what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition.
swp

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Chuck Messer
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Postby Chuck Messer » Fri Jul 11, 2008 7:12 am

Kinda like the sign on the wall that says:

DO NOT TAKE DOWN THIS SIGN.
Some people are wedded to their ideology the way nuns are wed to God.

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Chuck Messer
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Postby Chuck Messer » Fri Jul 11, 2008 7:22 am

Leo:
The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.

Aries:
Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.


Courtesy of The Onion.
Some people are wedded to their ideology the way nuns are wed to God.

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David Loftus
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Postby David Loftus » Fri Jul 11, 2008 9:59 am

Chuck Messer wrote:Aries:


Hey, that's me!



Chuck Messer wrote:Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.


YES!!!

Oh, wait a minute . . . I thought you said "rumpus."
War is, at first, the hope that one will be better off; next, the expectation that the other fellow will be worse off; then, the satisfaction that he isn't any better off; and, finally, the surprise at everyone's being worse off. - Karl Kraus

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Postby Cary Bleasdale » Fri Jul 11, 2008 12:44 pm

So this woman and her husband of many years are having....marital...problems. The starch has gone out of the collar, if you get my drift. They've tried everything-fantasies, dress-up, the whole nine yards....but the man just won't buckle down and admit he can't get it up.

So finally the wife, frustrated and horny, goes to ol' Doc Jones, who's been their doctor since they were kiddies, and explains her difficulties.

The Doc hems and haws and explains that, since she is such an old and trusted patient, he'll give her a little something to spice up the bedroom baseball. So he gives her the latest thing-a little pill she can just drop in his coffee the next day. "One of these in the morning" the doc explains "and he'll be nice and peppy that evening."

So the next day, she wakes up, brings him his coffee with the magic pill, and thinks she sees a little gleam in his eyes that night. Sure enough, he walks in the door, picks her up, takes her upstairs, and shags her rotten.

Being of an experimental turn of mind, the next morning, she dumps TWO of the pills in the coffee. This time, he doesn't even make it out the door, just throws her on the table, and takes her, right there in the buttered toast.

Now, being a woman who can extrapolate along a curve, the next day, she just dumps in a whole HANDFUL of the pills, and takes him his coffee...

About a week later, Ol' Doc Jones is concerned, since he hasn't gotten any updates on the situation in a while. So he calls up, and a little boy answers.

"Can I speak to your mommy, son?" he asks.

"shes not here, sir." the boy says.

"Well...tell me, how are things around the house? How's your father doing?"

"Weeeeeeeeeeeel" says the boy- "Mom's dead, sister's crying, the babysitters knocked up, my ass hurts, and daddy's in the backyard trying to drag the cat out from under the porch!"
---------------------------------------------------------

That and Harlan's "Pope" joke are probably my favorites to tell.

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Postby alexanderthesoso » Mon Jul 14, 2008 12:57 am

I love that one. I heard the ending, and Dad's in the backyard with a bottle of lube and a can of tuna, saying "here kitty kitty kitty"

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Malatesta
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Postby Malatesta » Thu Jul 17, 2008 1:57 pm

Q: What is red and looks like blue paint?

A: Red paint.

rich

Postby rich » Thu Jul 17, 2008 2:07 pm

Meant to do this the other day, but here's the joke that was posted the other day on the Pavvy, told by one of the funniest comedians EVER. (Now if I only knew the comedian's name...)

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Postby Moderator » Thu Jul 17, 2008 2:14 pm

(Some here have heard this one, credit goes to Mr. Ellison for a much funnier telling than below, but...)


Two leprechauns knock on the door to an Irish convent and insist upon seeing the Mother Superior. Given that they are leprechauns, they soon are seated in her office.

Mother Superior is quite shocked at seeing the supposedly mythical little men, and asks them in a trembling voice what she can do for them.

"Well, you see," says the first leprechaun, "Mother Superior, we've got a bit of a disagreement going, and need some clarification."

"Of course," she replies, "what may I help you with?"

"Well, Mother Superior, we'd be very thankful if you would tell us, precisely, how many leprechaun sisters there are in your order."

Mother Superior considered. "Well, to be honest, gentlemen, there are no leprechaun nuns in our order."

The second leprechaun began dancing about, joyfully singing "Toldya so, toldya so!!!" before heing shushed by the first, now slightly nervous, leprechaun.

"Well, uh, Mother Superior, begging your indulgence, uh. If there are none in your order, could you perhaps share with us how many leprechaun sisters there are in, perhaps, all of Ireland."

She considered again. "Well, as a matter of fact, we here are tasked with keeping precisely those records for the church, and I can very authoritatively tell you that there are no leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland."

"Haha! Haha!" screamed the second leprechaun again. "Told YA, told YA, Told YA so!!!" before being knocked to the ground by the first leprechaun.

"Well," the first started, now visibly very distracted, "Mother Superior. Would you be able to tell me, even in general terms, how many leprechaun sisters there might be in, oh, all of the world?? Just a general, not very specific number. If you would be so kind..."

She shook her head. "I'm very sorry to disappoint you, but I think it is quite safe for me to state that there are no leprechaun nuns in any of the world. I certainly would have heard if there had been."

"Haha! Haha!" said the second leprechaun, quietly now as he nursed his head, "TOLD YOU YOU WERE FUCKING A PENGUIN!!!"
- I love to find adventure. All I need is a change of clothes, my Nikon, an open mind and a strong cup of coffee.

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FrankChurch
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Postby FrankChurch » Thu Jul 17, 2008 2:40 pm

Oh no, the f-word!

My virgin eyes. Barber needs Jesus.

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Malatesta
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Postby Malatesta » Fri Jul 18, 2008 3:00 pm

I've got a bucket of Jesus. I'll sell you a spoonful for a dollar.

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Chuck Messer
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Postby Chuck Messer » Fri Jul 18, 2008 6:05 pm

Not a joke per se, but still worth a chuckle or two:

"How old are you?"
"Three."
"Ah. When will you be four?"
(Looks at the man like he's an idiot) "When I'm done being three!"



Chuck
Some people are wedded to their ideology the way nuns are wed to God.

paul
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Postby paul » Wed Jul 23, 2008 2:43 pm

Saved this joke from somewhere, maybe even the Pavvy when everyone was lightening up the mood. Sorry if it' a repeat.

Guy goes to the beach, gets a wicked sunburn. I don't mean the red kind, or the scarlet kind, or even the vermillion kind - I mean his bod is going on purple, especially his thighs. By the time he gets back to his car, he feels like the skin is going to split open. So he drives himself to the emergency room, where they admit him with second degree burns. Later, outside his room, the doctor is issuing instructions to the nurse: "Keep a saline IV drip going so he doesn't dehydrate, apply some aloe vera gel to his arms, legs, chest and shoulders, give him some Demerol for the pain, and dose him with Viagra every four hours."

The nurse is puzzled. "Pardon my asking, Doctor, but what will the Viagra do for him?"

The doctor replies, "Probably nothing , but it'll keep the sheets off his thighs."
The medium is the message.


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