My pal Peter David, he who writes the Hulk and Aquaman and all manner of other things and writes very popular Star Trek novels, he does this terrific column called "But I Digress" in the Comic Buyer's Guide, which is the weekly newspaper of the comic book world, and Peter's column - many of which have been collectied in a book called "But I Digress" - Peter did this sensational column around the beginning of August about Independence Day, and I had to share some of this with you because, in my view, people say to me - well, before I had seen it, people had said "Did you see, did you see Independence Day?" I said "Yeah, it was about 12, 15 years ago - it was called Earth vs The Flying Saucers."
It's a stupid movie. I mean, I'm sorry - it's a stupid movie. It's got one really great shot when these wonderful things come over the city and everybody is scared to death of 'em. But, Peter David, in his column of August 9th, is quoting from a guy and I hope I pronounced his name right, Dean "Kanipe, Kanippy, Kanape" - I don't know: K-a-n-i-p-e. He's in North Carolina, he listed 40 things he learned from ID. Now, I'm not gonna do all 40 of 'em, but listen to a few of these...
- Aliens are unbelievably stupid. While unarmed and unarmored, they do things to tick off people with handguns. And it goes on & on & on & on like that.
- Even though the Mac isn't compatable with most other earthly operating systems, it *can* interface with an alien computer.
- Any bonehead with an RV can get to Area 51 by driving across the Salt Flats to the gate and flashing a captured alien at the guards.
- Both F-18s and B-2s must close to within 10 kilometers of a target that is 20 kilometers across before engaging with both air-to-air missiles and ariel launch nuclear cruise missiles.
- Any bonehead with rudimentary avaition experience can be taught to pilot an F-18 in 5 hours.
- Any bonehead with F-18 flight experience can learn to pilot an alien fighter in 5 minutes.
- Aliens with anatomy that includes tentacles and clawed feet use flight yolks just like ours.
- Aliens are stuuupiiiiid. When one of their fighters approaches the carrier, they don't bother to communicate with the pilot.
And it goes on & on & ... It is such a stupid movie. I, everybody went to see it. I went to see it, you went to see it. I guess you can't be pilloried for it. I guess we can't, you know, take you out in the field and shoot you through the head for, for terminal stupidity, but For God's Sake - one of 'em in a decade is enough, willya?! One of 'em in a decade is enough! Stop going to these idiot movies! Demand better movies.
From Sci-Fi Buzz, episode unknown
Publishing Rights to 'Harlan Ellison's Watching' copyright 1996 the Killimanjaro Corporation.